Sexless marriage. Should we 'just do it'?

[MerryMarigold]

Interested in any advice from 'sexperts' or those who have been through this.

We've had sex under 5 times in the past 5 years - and only once in the past 4. There's a few reasons for this: I had CFS/ Depression (plus 1 child), I then had a twin pregnancy which was hard, followed by twins, sex was never very good for me anyway, now we're just not at all close and I don't feel attracted to dh. My friend has suggested that we 'just do it' as a way to get closer. I don't know. I don't know if it will help. I know we have been wanting to sort out sex life out for at least a year and we're very committed to sorting out our marriage, but wanting to do it 'right', to feel closer and more intimate before we do. However, in a year nothing has changed. I wonder if it's a chicken and an egg situation: we're not having sex, so we're not getting closer, we're not getting closer, so we're not having sex. Should we just break this pattern and go for it? It's something I have mentioned to dh, but he didn't think it was a good idea. Now a mutual friend has suggested the same, he is more up for it, but now I'm having my doubts!

We are not even kissing. A kiss on the cheek is all. I feel like I could do it if I switched off (I think I would rather do it than a proper snog!). Anyone been there, got any experience?

Why not both independently write a list of what would make you feel closer and more intimate. Aim for 20 things each.

Swap lists.

Wait 24 hours

Discuss what things to work on first from the list. I think having sex with someone you currently aren't on snogging terms with is a step too far too fast.

Thanks for all the input.

fiventhree. We have His needs,Her needs. I found it depressing!!

The sex drive and the marriage and the lack of self esteem and the depression. It's all intertwined really. What I need is some way of breaking into these cycles.

I did look up Relate and sent links to dh. He is up for it. He is a good man . It's more finding the time and money as there isn't one particularly near.

He is mostly critical of the house, that's all, and sometimes my parenting or if anything happens to the car, or if I lose my bank card. He's a bit anal and I'm the opposite.

EssentialFatty, the list is a good idea.

I enjoyed sex with others (only slept with 4 people ever inc dh, all long term relationships), but always went off it after a while ie. the thrill was really what got me going. Dh was very inexperienced.

fluffy and lavender, thanks for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone. I do hope things work out for you. I certainly can't carry on like this for a lot longer. The sex is a symptom and a cause of a lack of closeness and enjoyment of each other.

I don't think if you have sex with him it will stop him moaning when you lose your bank card!

I think you need to take the bull by the horns. Find the time and money for relate (a lot of people seem to recommend them so I assume they are good).

Keep talking to DH - keep the lines of communication open. Try to remember what you used to enjoy doing together and make sure you have regular time to yourselves (if poss) to do those things and reconnect. Remember how it is just being the two of you. Try and be more verbally demonstrative with each other and physically (just hugs and stuff) if that suits.

I think you need to get your relationship back on track generally and the sex thing will come with the rest of it. I don't think that gritting your teeth and just doing it will get you very far.

When you do recommence sex - you say that it takes you a while to get aroused. Do you masturbate? Or are you just not interested. In theory reading some erotic stories or something might get you in the mood and the rest might come from there. Stuff like that. But I think that stuff is beside the point if you aren't really getting on.

So, good news. You vcan see alot of the problems and so can he.

He is up for Relate. Ring them up- I live in a remote small town and it wasn?t on their list, but they did come here, in fact.

If you sped £300, which we couldn?t afford either, (we negotiated a discount), it is sure cheaper than alot of what you will spend if the relationship goes off the rails. My h didn?t even want to go really and only went as I was about to leave, but in fact after the FIRST session he said it was the best money we had ever spent.

You will also find it helpful to get him to see in a counselling forum that his criticising is working against him- mine denied loads of issues for years, and blamed me, and he caved on most of them at the first session. It is harder for people to hide and deny in front of others. Our counsellor was a man, btw.

I do remember when I was younger wondering what all the fuss was about sex, after the first year or so, during a number of 18 mth monogamous relationships and a first marriage. I didn?t hate it, or love it.

Lots of women take time to ?warm up? sexually; we aren?t all instantly orgasmic!! (who are these women??!) But I did change in my mid thirties, and read, thought, and practiced with myself quite alot more on the subject! I found that it made a big difference. He will just have to make a bit of effort!

On the subject of pain, that is not at all right- check out with a GP, and if that confirms no problems, then maybe it is tension/anxiety related?

Thanks so much five . Glad things are better for you, to the point where you can handle His needs, her needs!!!