Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage over because H feels too pushed into another baby

45 replies

VirtualStranger · 10/02/2012 06:43

I wondered whether anyone else had experience of this.

there's a long history here, but I'll try to condense it. around 2 years ago H and I decided to have another baby. although I know he was the less keen one, I do know that he was ok about having a baby. It went ok to start with except I had a traumatic miscarriage in Feb 2010. I'm not quite sure what the normal reaction would be to a mc, but I was really devastated. I did become slightly obsessed (I suppose) about having another baby, but nothing more than lots of other people on here. Because the mc was v traumatic - involving a blue light to hosptial, lots of blood loss and the foetus being pulled out of me by forceps (while I was awake), i also suffered alot of flashbacks etc. I didn't physically get over it for a few months either. At the time I thought H wasn't v supportive (e.g. he didn't come to hospital with me etc) and was upset about it.

I had another mc in July last year which was ok, although H again wasn't supportive.

By then though H was being an absolute bastard to me all the time, being vile and nasty and eventually in October 2011 I asked him to move out. Unfortunately (or fortunately) in Aug we did sleep together and against all the odds I did fall pg. So I was left in Oct with no husband and newly pg.

I have been trying to understand H's behaviour and why he was so nasty and unsupportive to me, and why he continues to be so vile to me over so many different events. it's like he had a personality change - he certainly seems to hate me.

it seems that he hates me for wanting another baby. he feels forced into it. He thought I brought the miscarriages on myself, so deserved them (and therefore deserved no support). he felt even more forced into getting me pg after the first traumatic mc apparently. While I do believe that he feels this way now, he definitely didn't feel like this at the time. He never said to me he didn't want another baby, although I knew he was more reluctant than me. He never sat down and talked to me about this until recently. He seems to hate me because of me being pregnant and putting him through everything (as he sees it).

I just wondered if anyone else had been through this. What can I do?

OP posts:
buggyRunner · 10/02/2012 06:57

Hi, not been through this but just didnt want you to be unanswered. Sorry for your losses- are you currently preg at the moment?

nkf · 10/02/2012 07:07

That is a horrible line up of happenings. I feel for you. I'm not clear whether you are together right now. If you are not, then I think you need to stay away from his anger and ill wishes and concentrate on having a happy healthy pregnancy.

Original poster
VirtualStranger · 10/02/2012 07:25

no we're not together. He hates me too much and is too hostile with me about everything. I honestly didn't know he felt like that about another baby. I knew he was more reluctant than me, but I had no idea he felt like that - if he did at the time (I wonder whether he's changed his views in retrospect iyswim).

I'm 27 weeks pg currently looking to give birth on my own.

OP posts:
babyhammock · 10/02/2012 07:31

How absolutely awful for you and I'm lost for words at the fact he his trying to blame you for all this.
Sorry to say it, but do you think there might be someone else?
I would not give him any more chances to treat you like this and cut him out completely xx

Pancakeflipper · 10/02/2012 07:38

What a horrible situation for you.

I think there could be a lot of miscommunication going on. Perhaps no-one addressed and fully discussed things at the beginning and now it's been like a run-away train. I think counselling might help you both to get some understanding of how it's got so dreadful.

Have you got good support to help you?

glasscompletelybroken · 10/02/2012 07:59

I know it's more popular on this forum to just put the bloke before the firing squad but here's another view.

Not taking away anything from what you have been through - he has been through something aswell.

Some people just can't cope in a "normal" way with this kind of thing. It sounds like you were in an emergency situation - he may have been deeply afraid he was going to lose you. He has also lost the babies.

It could be the case that he is pulling away to protect himself from further hurt. It's awful for you but but I would say he needs counselling to help him get through this. Whether or not he would agree and go for this is another matter. I think it's unlikely he hates you - he just hates what has happened and is afraid of going through it again.

I only say this because my exH couldn't cope at all if there was even the slightest thing wrong with me and he "took it out" on me by being really unpleasant - obviously at a time when I really needed him to help.

ninedragons · 10/02/2012 08:03

Well, it's impossible for us to know the intricacies, so I would suggest counselling.

But one thing that strikes me is that your miscarriage may have been very traumatic for him. Seeing one's partner blue-lighted to hospital must be terrifying. And resentment at your jumping straight into pregnancy again is not altogether hard to understand.

I don't know what the answer is, but you need professional help to unpick it.

lubeybooby · 10/02/2012 08:05

I think you're far better off away from his horrible issues. He couldn't be more horrible or more deeply wrong and if he can't see that then he never will. None of it was your fault.

What can you do? Encourage him to have some deep, extended psychotherapy that would change the entire make up of his horrible psyche?... doubt he would ever accept how hideously wrong he is, and how much he needs it though!

Pancakeflipper · 10/02/2012 08:15

I think what you say nine dragons might be the crux of this. Blue-light ambulance. Even if you try not it conjures up images of death. Your husband will have gone through a lot mentally at that probably imagining he had lost you. It sounds like that could be a big part of your relationship unravelling. Hes behaving like a pillock but I think there are real reasons behind it - stuff he probably doesn't want to admit/ deal with.

Original poster
VirtualStranger · 10/02/2012 08:35

I don't think he was scared by the ambulance business. He didn't even come to the hospital until the following afternoon. he says now that I over dramatised it. when I sent him an email setting out the bare facts of the events at that evening, he said it was a one-sided view of events. a

I feel horribly traumatised still by the memories of being in that A&E dept on my own.

He has only recently told me how he feels about the miscarriages and that he says he can't believe I put myself through it.

OP posts:
Finallyfinally · 10/02/2012 08:43

How long were you together before you became pregnant? Was he ever cruel before? Did you spend your time trying to keep him happy / on side? Were his wishes more important than yours in the relationship?

Because this isn't normal. My DH had to pick me up after a much less invasive hospital procedure and treated me like cut glass for the rest of the day, he kept saying he couldn't get over how vulnerable I'd seemed. That's a normal reaction. Being nasty and saying you brought your miscarriages on yourself (how horrible Angry) isn't normal. It is cruel, self-absorbed and abnormal.

Lueji · 10/02/2012 08:47

Two friends of mine had something similar (not miscarriages) happen. One is still married and the other isn't, but the first still resents him.

Tbh, I think some men just can't cope and can't talk about it either.
Maybe he was scared and just wanted to make it less than it was.

It might be worth counselling, but only if he wants it too. Although it might be useful for you to make sense of what happened.

I think it's too easy for us to become engrossed in having the baby that we miss that our partner is not ready.

And in his head, perhaps he wonders why you would want to risk your life with another pregnancy.

Not saying he is right at all, but that maybe it is something you both can work around?

Original poster
VirtualStranger · 10/02/2012 08:52

we were together for 20 years before then.

I don't remember him being cruel before, but I do think I was always the strong one, I feel that I held everything together , was the organised one etc etc. he had a few crises at work etc which I felt I was supportive of (and he says I now wasn't). it feels to me as though he abandoned me the first time I really needed him to be supportive in our relationship.

but he says that's all bollocks and I should apologise for wanting another baby and for putting us through this. that I made him stop loving me by wanting another baby. that I caused all of this. that I knew how he felt. that we couldn't afford another baby (we earn close to £200k between us - that's not a boast btw that's just to set the context because I'd rather have no money than the situaiton I'm in now and actually can't see how I can continue working as a single parent with no support). etc etc. it's all spilled out in the last few days and he feels such resentment and bitterness.

OP posts:
Original poster
VirtualStranger · 10/02/2012 08:53

I'm having counselling on my own. I need to make sense of all of this. But he doesn't accept he has done anything wrong, or feels any responsibility for this. He still says it's my fault the marriage ended. that I did it.

OP posts:
Hattytown · 10/02/2012 08:58

I think some of these posts are being absurdly indulgent towards an extremely cruel man. Kind, decent men do feel fear, pain and bereavement when they lose children and see their partner undergo a medical emergency, but they come to the hospital with her and they never, ever blame Shock their wives for this horrendous experience.

The most likely cause of this transformation is another woman, I'm afraid. One he's not faithful to either Hmm.

I hope you get some counselling for what's happened to you OP and that you've lined up a supportive and caring birthing partner. So sorry for your losses and what you've gone through.

Hattytown · 10/02/2012 08:59

Just saw your new posts. Re-writing history is the textbook behaviour of a cheat.

cerys74 · 10/02/2012 09:03

It sounds like from his point of view, everything would have been fine if you didn't want to continue trying to have kids and so it's 'your fault' you've both got to this juncture.

Sounds like a horrible, unreasonable point of view to me!!

Original poster
VirtualStranger · 10/02/2012 09:07

yes that's it Cerys. Is that an unreasonable view? (I am becoming too unsure of that is normal and what isn't now. )

OP posts:
nkf · 10/02/2012 09:14

If you are not together then you do not need to spend time worrying.g about his traumas. Dirty if that sounds heartless. I think you need to find a birth partner and make sure your.midwife knows that you are in a vulnerable place. And you need to sort out maintenance. On top of that you need to eat well and nurture yourself. All your energies should be focussed in you and your family right now. Good luck.

nkf · 10/02/2012 09:15

Sorry not dirty.

olgaga · 10/02/2012 09:15

I agree with Hatty, this man is unbelievably cruel, callous and unfeeling towards you. He actually sounds as though he has a personality disorder. These issues will often become more pronounced with age.

I wouldn't waste another thought on him - certainly not if you are able to earn good money. You and your DC are much, much better off without him.

You are fighting a losing battle here - he will never change his self-regarding, narcissistic ways or his cruelty towards you. It has gone too far already.

cerys74 · 10/02/2012 09:19

Well, I can sort of imagine how it got started (he sees you in pain and possibly in danger, gets scared, looks for something to blame and settles on the pregnancy). When you don't seem to feel the same way and start planning to become pregnant again, he becomes scared that the same might happen again and then angry at you for deliberately pursuing it.

The difference is that you are acting like a mature adult, realising that the baby you lost (my condolences by the way, I can't imagine how you felt) was in no way responsible for pain and trauma of the miscarriage. IMO your husband is reacting more like a child, whether he realises or not, in making pregnancy responsible for everything bad that's happened. The point is, he should be adult enough to realise he's behaving childishly and make a conscious effort to get past it. It doesn't sound like he's willing ot do that though I'm afraid.

So yes, I think he is being unreasonable. You shouldn't have to be the only adult in this relationship...

randommoment · 10/02/2012 09:23

You've said 'another baby' OP, just to clarify, do you have older dcs?

Hattytown · 10/02/2012 09:25

I don't think this has got anything to do with fears about pregnancy, apart from a new child creating another tie in a marriage he has decided he no longer wants. It's not childish behaviour either, in my view. A child would feel more compassion and wouldn't be this cruel.

It's more than unreasonable OP. This is cruelty.

Helltotheno · 10/02/2012 09:28

OP how many children have you at the moment?

I think now is the time for you to disengage emotionally from him if you can, for the rest of your pregnancy. You need to look after you and the child. Maybe things can be sorted in the future, maybe not, but I do think you need to take on board the possibility that you'll be parenting alone.

I doubt his behaviour was down to worrying about you etc, he just hasn't behaved well by any standards and you need to be detached towards him for the moment, until there's a chance for proper communication (ie after the baby is born).

Swipe left for the next trending thread