Marriage over because H feels too pushed into another baby

[VirtualStranger]

I wondered whether anyone else had experience of this.

there's a long history here, but I'll try to condense it. around 2 years ago H and I decided to have another baby. although I know he was the less keen one, I do know that he was ok about having a baby. It went ok to start with except I had a traumatic miscarriage in Feb 2010. I'm not quite sure what the normal reaction would be to a mc, but I was really devastated. I did become slightly obsessed (I suppose) about having another baby, but nothing more than lots of other people on here. Because the mc was v traumatic - involving a blue light to hosptial, lots of blood loss and the foetus being pulled out of me by forceps (while I was awake), i also suffered alot of flashbacks etc. I didn't physically get over it for a few months either. At the time I thought H wasn't v supportive (e.g. he didn't come to hospital with me etc) and was upset about it.

I had another mc in July last year which was ok, although H again wasn't supportive.

By then though H was being an absolute bastard to me all the time, being vile and nasty and eventually in October 2011 I asked him to move out. Unfortunately (or fortunately) in Aug we did sleep together and against all the odds I did fall pg. So I was left in Oct with no husband and newly pg.

I have been trying to understand H's behaviour and why he was so nasty and unsupportive to me, and why he continues to be so vile to me over so many different events. it's like he had a personality change - he certainly seems to hate me.

it seems that he hates me for wanting another baby. he feels forced into it. He thought I brought the miscarriages on myself, so deserved them (and therefore deserved no support). he felt even more forced into getting me pg after the first traumatic mc apparently. While I do believe that he feels this way now, he definitely didn't feel like this at the time. He never said to me he didn't want another baby, although I knew he was more reluctant than me. He never sat down and talked to me about this until recently. He seems to hate me because of me being pregnant and putting him through everything (as he sees it).

I just wondered if anyone else had been through this. What can I do?

So sorry for your losses.

So you were together for 20 years, on a good joint salary, had a comfortable life together and then trying for a child changed everything - for him??

There have been so many threads on here, where the husband feels a sense of loss and bereavement for his prechild, carefree life, and feels pushed to the margins of the family by the new arrival. It throws a new light on what they were getting out of their marriage, and what they wanted from life. It sounds as if these very distressing events for you have made him feel this way - I think that he would have found being a father very very difficult indeed, and may have been left very much on your own at some stage after the birth - or worse, expected to look after a hurting, grumpy adult as well as a (real) child.

Very best of luck in organising the practical support you need to move forward with your precious little one. There is lots of emotional support here, and loads of good advice too.

actually can't see how I can continue working as a single parent with no support).

If you (and him) earn that much, I'm sure you can afford help...

You'll be ok by yourself, don't accept the "blame".

If he wants to deal wit his issues and you can get back together, fine, but don't feel that you depend on him.

he earns more than I do! It isn't the affording support that I struggle with, it's the actual physical support (and emotional I suppose) of doing a demanding job, with reasonably long hours while looking after children, doing all of their activities, dealing with their demands, illnesses etc etc.

I also wonder how I'm going to deal with sleepless nights on my own, and still carry on with the other children. (yes I do have older children aged from 3-13 but don't want to say too much as I am very identifiable).

I will cope I'm sure - I'm quite a strong person really and feel alot better than I did a few months ago. But we have been thrown together over the last few days because of childcare issues and illness (the children) and him deciding that I needed his help. This has come at a cost though...

If he's being this needlessly cruel, has he met someone else? I'm afraid re-writing history tends to happen at that point...

he vehemently denies having an OW.
I can't see any evidence of one. but that's as far as I can get atm.

This is how it sounds to me. He reluctantly agreed to have another baby but didn't really accept the implications of it. When the miscarriage happened, it upset his life and rather than seeing it as a terrible thing that you both had to go through he decided he just didn't want to deal with it. Any normal adult knows that you can't just ignore your grieving wife and pretend such a sad loss didn't happen, so rather than admitting to himself that he has been an utter dick, and rather than stepping up to his responsibilities, he's denying to himself and to you that he did anything wrong. It's much easier for him to claim that this is all your fault than to admit that an awful thing happened and he behaved absolutely appallingly.

This sounds like the process cheating partners go through. They know they're doing something terrible so to make themselves feel better they paint their partner as a horrible person who is responsible for everything that has gone wrong.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a difficult situation. I hope you're able to draw on some real life support.

I'm sorry but I don't think he was scared about you when you had your first miscarriage. He told you that he thought you were being over dramatic. That is cruel and nasty and completely unnecessary. He is telling you what he is like there - believe him. His actions also back that up.

I had an mc similar to and ended up in hospital for 2 days. DH took me to A&E in the middle of the night, was there all night, took the next day off work. He rang my parents and looked after my Mum when she came down to see me.

That is what a normal nice person does when someone they love is in pain. All this well he may have been frightened bollocks is excusing his behaviour.

I think you were very brave to throw him out. You've done the hard bit. I think your life will be easier without him in it. It sounds like you would have had to deal with another child. You really don't need someone who is going to be so unsupportive and work against you. All this bollocks about him feeling pressurized. Again an excuse to blame you and not take responsibility as you have rightly deduced. Normal nice people talk to their partner about their fears. I think it is very telling that the first time you needed him he wasn't there. I wonder when you look back on you relationship how many other times was he truly supportive of you?

Do you have any family or friends that could help initially with the baby as it will be those first few months that will be the hardest to get through. I'd also post on the Lone parents board as there are some great people over there who I am sure can reassure you and point you in the right direction for RL support.

You are not to blame and you are doing really really well!

Well of course he vehemently denies having an OW.

But I would bet a year's salary that he is having an affair.

Whether you want him back or not, it's in your best interests (emotional and financial) to find out.

OP, I think that whatever the reason for his behaviour, you need to realise that you are not the one behaving in an unacceptable manner; he is.

I agree with cailin - hope you've got someone in RL to talk to about this (preferably not someone who will force their opinion on you, like family sometimes do, but who will instead just listen)! Also, it sounds like financially you will be able to afford help at home, so that's not so much of a worry. Emotional support is harder to come by but TBH it doesn't sound like you're getting any of that from your H anyway :(

I think that there comes a point where someone's behaviour is so cruel that their motivations for behaving in that way are basically irrelevant. And I think your husband has crossed that line.

Right now you are in a terribly vulnerable situation but looking to him for support is not going to work.

You have already survived some appalling experiences. You are already parenting alone, effectively, you can continue to do so.

Don't waste time and effort trying to change or understand your husband. Look elsewhere for the support you need and deserve. Have you talked to your family and friends in RL about this? I suspect you've given them an edited version because deep down you didn't want to see their horrified reactions. Now is the time to be honest with them.

You will be able to start your maternity leave fairly soon, that will give you the time and space to start planning for this new baby. If you need concrete help (a supportive birth partner, for example!) then now is the time to ask for it. Work on the basis that you'll need to support yourself and your children financially - start looking for decent childcare so this is possible. Get those survival structures in place.

You have a lot of advantages at your disposal - though it may not feel like that! - you are tough, you have a good job. You do not need your husband to survive. Nor does your baby. If he wants to miss out on being a husband to you and a father to his child, that is his lookout. You are going to be a mother to this baby whatever happens, and you may even find it easier to do that without this total FUCKWIT in your life.

You sound amazingly strong OP.

I am a bit worried about where you said he feels that you need his help. Does he normally undermine you like that and impose himself on you?

What one poster said about being treated so gently after something terrible happened...and how that is a true sign of love....this is not like a mc but I fell badly on my hard suitcase last year - I have two left feet - and knocked the wind out of me, almost the life out of me, seriously serious fall, sounded like I was dying - and the look on my dp's face, (he thought I was dying) made me forgive him suddenly for some stupid crap in our past, because I saw how much he loved me in that look.

I feel so sorry for you.
You deserve your good self, or if you can find a good man, somebody to love.

He sounds like a pathetic excuse for a man and doesn't seem capable of being an emotionally mature and supportive partner - you are far better off without him. He has detached from you so completely , it's hard to imagine that there isn't a significant other in the background.

Perhaps it's not you that he hates, but the situation. Perhaps he isn't not being supportive of you, he's just protecting himself. I guess we all react differently to situations and nn-one's written a book of rules.

So sorry about your miscarriages

But Orm, it's how someone acts in a traumatic situation that defines who they really are, would you want to be with someone you couldn't rely on to support you in times of bereavment or illness and emotional pain, I know I wouldn't.

Oh quite malificence. But the OP asked for help understanding him and his behaviour. I woukdn't want to be married to him fwiw.

If he was generally supportive in the past then I wonder if it's some kind of breakdown caused by stress? If he has a stressful job and several children already, it could have just been the last straw for his mental state.

If he wasn't supportive in the past and it seems that he genuinely feels you're to blame then that's more difficult to understand.

Either way it's not your fault OP and I hope you find the strength you need for the months ahead.

He sounds a childish nob tbh. Unless you madly want him back, OP, then I think it would be worthwhile giving up on trying to understand him (it makes no sense to anyone else, does it!) and concentrate on staying calm and therefore healthy (physically and mentally) for your unborn child. Let him go, it's HIS problem, not yours. I assume you'll be on Mat leave soon enough? If you haven't already got a nanny or aupair, now would be a good time to sort it, to replace the extra pair of hands your dh made up. On a joint salary of 200k this should be possible, I'm assuming. Onwards and upwards.

thanks everyone.

I think he is depressed actually - but you're right it's not my problem. I agree with whoever said that whatever the cause of his unhappiness with me, nothing justifies his behaviour towards me. You're right I need to distance myself. It is too important to me to get him to admit his cruelty, when he will never accept this, but partly it's because I just can't understand how he could have treated me this way.

the reason he has been around more this week is a combination of a house move (I couldn't do it on my own) and the nanny quitting because of illness (she collapsed and was taken to hospital in an ambulance last week!). It has been a very stressful week all-in-all. [understatement]

I suspect that he wanted out of the relationship prior to you wanting to have another baby but didn't have the balls to address the situation. By first becoming pregnant and then vulnerable from the miscarriage, you unwittingly 'trapped' him and that is where his hatred stems from.

I think there is/was someone else. I think this man is a coward and a bully and in the long run he has done you a favour by releasing you from what sounds like a relationship bereft of love and respect.

Of course I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now. I imagine your pretty scared and tramutised but this waste of carbon doesn't deserve you energy. Forget him and pour your energy into organising your life in a way that will best suit you and your children. That said, you don't have to put up with him rewriting history. Next time he tries to put the blame at your door just tell him you are not responsible for his emotions or behaviour and end the conversation. You are not the villain of this piece.