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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No what i should do but scared

32 replies

gonnabegoingsoon · 09/02/2012 23:09

Me and dh been together since our teenage years, now in our 30's with 6 dc. Suffered the loss of multiple pregnancies and dh been unemployed for awhile. I've been subject to financal,sexual,emotional and aggressive abuse over many years from him but not recently, children have sufferd physically but he claims was an accident. Been in refuges in the past but then back to him stupidly. SS are now involved and want me to leave him. Am scared as suffer anxiety and have noone else to turn to.

OP posts:
LilacWaltz · 09/02/2012 23:12

Ss can maybe get you help? Certainly the refuge will

Could he be made to leave instead?

SparklyRedShoes · 09/02/2012 23:14

Do you want to leave him? or Do you feel pressured to leave him because of SS intervention?

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 09/02/2012 23:14

Have you got family or friends nearby that you can rely on for support?
Ask SS for their help in getting him to leave so that your children can remain in their home and be safe.

gonnabegoingsoon · 09/02/2012 23:25

They would like me to leave him due to having him back time after time. They are working with me to do this gradually but during this time his being nice.

OP posts:
Kayano · 09/02/2012 23:30

You may want to wath the last episode of protecting our children...

LilacWaltz · 09/02/2012 23:31

He is putting on an act. Font be fooled, he knows his number is up.

BasilRathbone · 09/02/2012 23:33

Of course he's being nice. He's got SS on his back.

If they buggered off, he'd start being nasty again.

But they're not going to bugger off, are they?

Can you ask them what support there is, to get him to leave so you and your children can keep your home? What support are they offering to you to help you get him out of your lives?

SparklyRedShoes · 09/02/2012 23:36

Either way try to work with SS and try not to over think things or your anxiety will just get the better of you. I'm not surprised you're scared, all your experiences have stripped away your sense of self and your esteem. I don't have much experiences of SS, but my father was a violent man and my mother had to leave the marital home ended up in a refuge and was left alone with 3 of us to look after. For a long time we had nothing. All mum's so called friends were nowhere to be seen. But in time things did get better. My mother concentrated on making us a home.

Please concentrate on your children and their happiness. It sounds as though they have been through quite a lot of trauma. If they see how upset you are it will make them more anxious and upset. You are all they need. Get this man out of your life. At first you may miss him like an arm is missing, or get the urge to return to him because you are scared on being all alone, but you must resist that urge. You will likely suffer something akin to stockholm syndrome - where women end up getting emotionally attached to their tormentors/abusers - happens in abusive relationships too.

I suggest that you get SS/police to get him to stay away from you and then concentrate on yourself. You need counselling, lots of self help books and perhaps SS can get you fixed up with a support group. Phone the Samaritans if you feel panicky or need someone to talk to.

You can do it if you really want.

gonnabegoingsoon · 09/02/2012 23:40

Kay i watched it, i know its an act but he has holds over me and makes me feel guilty. I don't want to go through this anymore. My children have been through so much don't want to up root them again. I have noone this is why a move would be the best thing just scared of getting ill and children having noone at all who theknow.

OP posts:
Pickgo · 09/02/2012 23:40

Sounds like you've got a straight choice between keeping your children or keeping your abusive partner.

You will probably find that the anxiety dramatically lessens once you are living without abuse.

Hope you can get the strength to just take that step of living apart. So many women find that once they do it they feel so much better.

gonnabegoingsoon · 09/02/2012 23:48

Police have been involved this is why ss have been involved, his been cautioned. I asked for help to keep him out but police didn't put anything in to action then he got back i my head.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/02/2012 00:20

children have sufferd physically but he claims was an accident

This suggests that more than one of your children has suffered non-accidental injuries caused by your abusive twunt of an h.

Of course he's being nice; it's a ploy to convince you that you will both be hard done by if SS decide that they have no alternative but to remove your dc to a place of safety because you have chosen to continue putting him above the needs of your children.

I hope you can understand that, should this come to pass, you will have only yourself to blame because it would appear that, over a period of some considerable time, you have not been lackiing in support from various agencies to help you end your dependence on a violent man who cares only for himself and and give your dc the life that they, and you, deserve.

I have no doubt that you are more than capable of assuming sole responsibility for the welfare and welllbeing of your dc, and you may find that your 'anxiety' is greatly alleviated once you have co-operated with SS and taken the necessary steps to get this pathetic excuse for a man out of your lives once and for all.

Your h has caused you years of heartache and pain and he has inflicted untold misery on your dc; if you fail to need the writing on SS's wall, I very much fear that you and your dc will be doomed to endure considerably more needless and unnecessary suffering.

While it is freely available to you, you are best advised to take advantage of all the help you can get to ensure that you are able to become empowered and self-determinining.

No woman, child, or beast, should be living the way you are, honey.

Start the process of changing your life for the better now and don't look back.

ThePinkPussycat · 10/02/2012 01:03

izzy tells it right. You and only you are ultimately responsible for your children. You are at the beginning of a strange new road, take a little time to look round, you could do worse than the abusive relationship thread, where there are lots of lovely people all supporting each other and sharing their difficulties and comparing strategies, and some links in the OP too, you don't need to read all the thread, just the most recent couple of pages so you can see who drops by... and there are other threads here with people on their own versions of that road, also receiving support and advice and having people help them to think things through and then to take action.

Someone is usually around, we know it is scary, people will help...

BasilRathbone · 10/02/2012 09:22

Women's Aid can help you. It sounds like you need to do their Freedom Programme, which does what it says on the tin - sets you free from the guilt he loads on you, from your dependence on him, from your doubts, from your need to be in this relationship or any relationship with any man who doesn't make you happy.

They can also help you practically as well - they can give you legal advice and help to work with SS to get this abuser out of your life.

Why don't you give them a call?

0808 2000 247

They will help you.

BayPolar · 10/02/2012 09:57

6!

Lueji · 10/02/2012 10:56

Why do you think you suffer from anxiety and have no one to turn to?

You and your children will be much better without him, you'll see. :)

gonnabegoingsoon · 10/02/2012 16:01

I have cut most ties with alot of my family due to 1 problem or the other. My anxiety is a massive problem plus i have some health problems which i why am scared of leaving. I know the best opition would be to leave but what if i get ill. This is mainly the thing holding me back. SS have mentioned freedom but i don't really know what they do.

OP posts:
ChitChatFlyingby · 10/02/2012 16:06

What if you get ill with him? Do you really want him to be looking after your precious children after all he has done?

You will be far more likely to get ill if you stay with him, by getting rid of him you will be happier, and stronger and therefore healthier.

Lueji · 10/02/2012 16:11

Check their website and ring them, if you can.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

kodachrome · 10/02/2012 16:25

If you get seriously ill, there will be support structures available through the SS. OK, not ideal, but better than being dependent on a violent man you cannot trust with your dc. If you're just a bit ill, you'll struggle through like thousands of other single parents.

Your anxiety issues will almost certainly lift once out from under his influence - don't underestimate how much he affects your mood.

If you cut your family ties because of him (it's very common for abusive men to isolate their partners from family & friends) - through him being nasty about them or making it difficult to see them - then you can renew them... OTOH, if you did it because they were toxic and helped create the mindset where he seemed like a good bet or an escape, then fgs, don't renew them.

swallowedAfly · 10/02/2012 16:27

i think you need to face reality that staying now would mean having your children taken into care sooner or later. they are giving you all the support they can and will be waiting to see if you take it. if you don't then they will be able to say mother has received support and input and ra ra ra but will not leave her h despite him having abused the children therefore they need removing.

you need to chose now whether you want to keep your children or not because that's the choice it's fast becoming.

Hardgoing · 10/02/2012 16:31

If you get ill, and he's not there, then SS will help you, that's what happened to a friend of mine who has had ill-health, she gets respite support/foster caring. Don't use fear of illness as a reason not to leave, especially when you know in your heart of hearts that you DO need to leave, for your own sake and for your childrens.

Proudnscary · 10/02/2012 16:33

I agree that ultimately this will be a choice between your children or your partner - sorry, the man who has made your life hell for many, many years.

Isn't it clear which path to tread?

I appreciate it is far, far from easy.

But you have to do it.

SparklyRedShoes · 10/02/2012 16:39

This shows you how much living with abusive man can mess up your thinking. You appear, on the face of it, to be more scared about having to struggle alone, than staying with a man who could switch at any time, and cause you to lose your children. The threat of losing your children, of them facing a hell of a life in the care system or possibly being adopted, is the thing you should fear above everything else.

I do understand how difficult this is for you, not everyone can cope with things as well as others, however you should take any help offered to you. If you have had loads of drama in your life you will suffer with anxiety, but a doctor and therapy can help with you with that.

I saw my father being violent. It has never left me. Put your children first. So they can grow up in a peaceful home.

Once you take the right steps you may find things with family improve.

ThePinkPussycat · 10/02/2012 16:50

Imagine he fell under a bus today. You would cope.

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