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Original poster

So you meet a perfect man and find

33 replies

cinnamonswirls · 09/02/2012 22:12

he's funny kind open generous good-looking fit mid forties well-balanced well-respected incredibly solvent and he brought me a huge bunch of flowers last night as I've been feeling poorly and have still had to work hard (boohoo) I always feel good after talking to him and spending time with him but absolutely DREAD it before hand.

I put him off tonight as couldn't face it - I just read the when would you have sex thread and realised I've gone past the third date and not kissed

What happens if you have been single too long (er 10 years plus I'm 40) and you enjoy wearing purple, spitting and talking to your cat in the evening? How do you explain that to Mr Rightish? I really like him but just am too worn out to face having all these wonderful dates.

Can I just refuse to ever go out again and hide under my blanket until he finds someone who wants a relationship? My girlfriends are shouting at me in frustration my boss ordered me out tonight and I just want to cry

OP posts:
Original poster
cinnamonswirls · 09/02/2012 22:12

God I'm so pathetic

OP posts:
NotMostPeople · 09/02/2012 22:15

Feel the fear and do it anyway, you'll feel better for it.

JamRagRolyPoly · 09/02/2012 22:16

Oh fgs go give him a snog!

HoudiniHissy · 09/02/2012 22:18

Oh for gods sake woman! if you enjoy his company, and he yours, perhaps rushing it is not the way it's going to work for you.

I'm quaking in horror at the suggestion of a 3 date shag, let alone a first kiss tbh, I am on the cusp of what looks like it could be a fantastic relationship.

TALK to him about his/your expectations!

SootySweepandSue · 09/02/2012 22:20

Sounds like you don't fancy him.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 09/02/2012 22:20

I don't get it... Confused

You don't have to be in a relationship. Why are you even dating?

It's not really fair on the people you can't even be arsed to see and get excited about...

happyAvocado · 09/02/2012 22:24

You have to be honest with yourself and admit what is it you are afraid of.

rejection, failure, that he or the possible outcome won't live up to your expectations?
that you aren't good enough/

nothing wrong with discovering what's holding you back...
what you do with that knowlege hlds the key to your future ;)

Original poster
cinnamonswirls · 09/02/2012 22:29

I don't know why I'm dating!

I really like him and his company and think he is an very attractive person who I respect and I just can't think of a good reason to say no.

But I feel physically sick at the idea of losing emotional independence to anyone. Its been simple before as there's always been a reason to say no and there just isn't one this time

Right thank you mumsnet I've identified it - I'll tell him tomorrow I'm too much of a basket case and give him a list of my gorgeous single friends

OP posts:
JamRagRolyPoly · 09/02/2012 22:31

Agree with Houdini on the 3 date shag. Yuck.

I have a few male friends who are currently exploring online dating, and I am a little Hmm of their tales of meeting women for a few drinks then going to theirs for a shag, never to be seen again. Not a sex dating site either, one with a good rep for relationships.

melbie · 09/02/2012 22:32

Slinking- that is unfair.

Sometimes the ones that are great on paper are not the ones you actually want. It may be that it is a slow burner and he is the one and that you will feel it soon. Or it may be that there is someone else out there and that if you went on a date with him you would have butterflies and be running out the door to see him and spend the evening trying not to remove his clothes in public because you can't wait to get him home. Sometimes we convince ourselves that someone is 'right' because they tick all the boxes but if the spark is not there then that cannot be invented. They may be perfect but not perfect for you. If you have to make yourself go on the date then DON'T GO!

Plus the right man will not care if you wear purple and talk to your cats- they will find it funny and endearing.

tethersend · 09/02/2012 22:36

"I really like him but just am too worn out to face having all these wonderful dates."

Then you don't really like him. Doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him. He's just not right for you.

Dates shouldn't be a chore.

Original poster
cinnamonswirls · 09/02/2012 22:38

Melbie - love you!

Thank you that advice has really helped me see it clearly I'll go tomorrow and just see..... and maybe chill out a bit!

Hard though when you are genuinely very happily single and just don't want any changes or see where the time is going to come from

Night x

I might pop the purple spitting basket case into conversation though....

OP posts:
Magicmayhem · 09/02/2012 22:39

I think what your feeling is called ..... NERVES... we all have them, and can't control them... it doesn't matter if your 16 or 100... you still have them....
you've said yourself you were feeling poorly yesterday... give yourself time to feel better, he'll understand... go out have a few laughs... if he isn't the 'one for you' sounds like he'll make a good friend. enjoy

tethersend · 09/02/2012 22:40

I was single for six years before I met DP.

He was worth giving up single life for; nobody else had been up until then. It was that simple.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 09/02/2012 22:42

Is the dread a good kind of dread? Nervous butterflies and excitement? Or omg I seriously can't face this, even getting ready is a chore?
The second, forget it you're just not that into him regardless of how good he seems on paper.

MooncupGoddess · 09/02/2012 22:50

The problem with the whole 'dating' thing is that it can be too much too soon and start feeling very pressured. However perfect this guy seems on the outside, you don't actually know him. If you genuinely enjoy his company then why don't you suggest just meeting as friends for the moment, and see how it develops?

blackcurrants · 09/02/2012 22:51

I think tethers has nailed it. Maybe he's just friend potential?

I did a fair few years happily single before DH, too. He, alone, was worth giving up single life for.

Few people are :)

something2say · 09/02/2012 23:27

I can empathise with this - went on a few dates recently but felt guilty for leaving my cat alone! Struggled to get to the gym and catch up with my mate and wondered - how am I going to fit a man in??!

Mine went tits up tho, hope yours doesn't get a good snog in girl, you don't know when the next one will come along!

lovesadirtylie · 10/02/2012 01:08

a few male friends who are currently exploring online dating, and I am a little of their tales of meeting women for a few drinks then going to theirs for a shag, never to be seen again

in their dreams...

JamRagRolyPoly · 10/02/2012 07:19

^nope definitely in reality. Although they are both bloody gorgeous, so that's
probably why

Chandon · 10/02/2012 07:40

Give him a good old snog, just to check first though.

Maybe sparks will unexpectedly fly Smile

springydaffs · 10/02/2012 11:55

You're terrified! I had a friend who was single for a long time and met 'the one' - she couldn't stop crying for sheer terror.

Love is a risk - and you know that in your guts. Take it easy, take it steady, stretch it out. The flowers probably made you feel boxed into a corner ("I'm supposed to come up with something here!"). You're not a basket case, you've probably been very hurt and have closed the doors of your heart (oh gosh, that is one cheesy phrase).

Lighten the entire thing up - be friends. Don't tell him you're a basket case! just that this is going to fast for you.

springydaffs · 10/02/2012 11:56

too of course not to (or two)

wiseoldowl · 10/02/2012 12:20

have just read your thread OP...
I always feel good after talking to him and spending time with him

He doesnt want to date other people,he wants to date YOU....and lets face it he hasnt asked you to move in with him or marry him has he... its just a date.

My advice would be to take it slowly and just get to know each other at your own pace. & snog him.... that might give you something to think about (in the best possible way!)

happyAvocado · 12/02/2012 00:40

So what did you do?

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