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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to end it with dp, hand holding gratefully accepted

41 replies

sadsackbee · 09/02/2012 20:47

My last thread is here but to sum up quickly I've been with my wonderful dp for a year but he has terrible depression and won't get treatment and I can no longer cope. Anyway, I've thought long and hard about my decision and having spent some time away from him I'm definitely ending it.

He's away until Sunday. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I am absolutely sure of my decision, but actually telling him this is how it is is going to be devastating because I do love him lots and he is very sensitive and I know he's going to fall apart a bit.

I've gone over this a million times in my head and I'm pretty sure what I'm going to say, I'm just a bit of a wreck waiting for Sunday. I think it won't come as a surprise to him, I've just replied briefly to texts for the last couple of weeks and we only spoke on the phone 2 times (unusual for us) but equally he is talking about things we will do in a few weeks and writing about how much he misses me so on one level it will be a shock . I feel horrible for doing this, but it is absolutely the right thing for both of us.

Gah, I'm so nervous. I have terrible butterflies. I'm still a tiny bit scared I'll see him and feel overwhelmed by love for him and not be able to say it, but that at this stage is much less likely than it was a few weeks ago. I just wish I didn't have to go through the actual break up conversation with him.

OP posts:
EachUisge · 09/02/2012 20:51

Hand here for you, pet.

AdLibitum · 09/02/2012 20:54

Well done for listening to yourself and Good luck!

Original poster
sadsackbee · 09/02/2012 20:55

Thank you. Will try not to cling onto it too tightly Smile

OP posts:
EachUisge · 09/02/2012 21:03

I can only guess at how hard this is for you, I won't pretend I can offer valid help and advice. I am sure someone will be along soon to help.

In the meantime - you cling onto my hand as hard as you like.

x

IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 09/02/2012 21:13

For your honest reply on my thread, I will hold your hand.

Be glad that you have done the right thing for you. I have learned that people are responsible for their own happiness.

Take care.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/02/2012 21:14
Original poster
sadsackbee · 09/02/2012 21:15

Hand holding alone is very appreciated, believe me. I've not been able to discuss it with friends because I think he should be the first to know, so have little RL support (although my parents have been great).

I'm not sure there is any particular advice anyone can give. It's one of those things isn't it? It needs doing, it's going to be hard and all I can do is do it gently so I don't hurt dp any more than I have to and then look after myself afterwards. But then I've only done this once before and that was a long time ago.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/02/2012 21:17

You must be so nervous.

It sucks for you both.

Onesunnymorningin2012 · 09/02/2012 21:22

Another hand here. x

kodachrome · 09/02/2012 21:27

I hope it goes as well as it can do. It seems like the right thing for you. Good luck.

Original poster
sadsackbee · 09/02/2012 21:30

Thank you for all the hands.

Am very nervous Katie. I can't bear to think of his response. It's so sad, his last girlfriend ended it for the same reason. I can't believe him losing her didn't give him the kick up the bum he needed to tackle his mental health, and I can only hope this happening will. There is so much more he could do to fight. He does fight now, he does try, but it isn't enough. The thing that makes me angry too is that he finally agreed a while back to go to the doctor to chat about anti-depressants. He is very depressed; not washing, looks like hell, is chronically exhausted and is crying and numb. His doctor said because he doesn't want to kill himself he can't have any medication. I couldn't believe it!

OP posts:
kodachrome · 09/02/2012 21:32

Really?

Were you there? He should try a different doctor in the practice, or change practice.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/02/2012 21:39

You are doing the right thing for you both, hold on to that.You are doing the only possible thing you can and should do. It is and will be very sad for a while for both of you but it is for the best in the long run.

Original poster
sadsackbee · 09/02/2012 21:41

No I wasn't, but this is what dp told me afterwards. If I'd been there I'd have stated very strongly how unwell I think dp is, even if he isn't suicidal.

Dp doesn't want to take anti-depressants so is quite happy with what the doctor said to him. That's part of the problem. He won't push the matter or change practices. I can quite believe dp didn't say how bad things were so I don't know the doctor can be blamed too much, but still, I'm the one who sees him day in, day out and it's very distressing knowing how ill he is but that the efforts he's making at present aren't enough to help. If they were, they would have done so by now.

OP posts:
SorryMyLollipop · 09/02/2012 21:50

Sounds like a very difficult situation. Don't be too hard on yourself. If he wont take responsibilty for his own mental health, at least you are taking responsibilty for yours. He is clearly having a very negative impact on your life and you know in your heart what you need to do. I am sure you have thought long and hard about this. Another hand here.

Original poster
sadsackbee · 10/02/2012 16:57

For some stupid reason I thought it was Sunday tomorrow evening, so I now have an extra 24 hours to wait.
I have constant butterflies! I feel so bad at the thought that he's going to have to go to work Monday morning probably in bits, because he's already so vulnerable already. I just want this over and done with!

OP posts:
beckyboo232 · 10/02/2012 17:03

Another hand here Smile your doing the right responsible thing

kodachrome · 10/02/2012 17:18

Re. the doctor - your dp didn't show good faith in addressing his issues then. It was just lip-service, hoping it'd be enough that he went, to get you to stfu. You are definitely doing the right thing. You'll be ok, and so will he.

Jux · 10/02/2012 17:38

Hand here too. What a tragedy for youboth.

scentednappyhag · 10/02/2012 17:48

Just adding my support too. You're clearly doing the best thing for both of you in the long run

yellowraincoat · 10/02/2012 17:50

Oh you poor thing, holding your hand.

I have depression and I know how hard my partner finds it. If he wanted to leave, I would understand. You're doing the right thing.

Original poster
sadsackbee · 10/02/2012 18:04

Yellow I'm so sorry you have it too. It's a bastard isn't it?

I think a big factor in my decision is that I had depression in my early twenties and it was very bad, but after a lot of therapy/time/meds I am completely recovered. I fought so hard over many years for the happiness I have now, so being with someone else so severely affected feels very wrong. It's just pulling me back down again.

Koda I agree. It absolutely was just him hoping going to the doctor was enough to keep me sweet and when I heard how it went I knew in my heart that was that. It been a glimmer of hope, but now I feel even that wouldn't have been enough.

Thank you for all the hands. I've had a look on a dating website just to remind myself there are lots of lovely men out there but the reality of long evenings alone again are sinking in. I'm going to keep thinking of a good future ahead of me with a nice partner even if I don't know who he is yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsackbee · 12/02/2012 17:19

Well he's due home in the next half hour, but could be stopping by his flat first so might not get here till 7.

I am absolutely flipping dreading this. I had a very emotional morning finding all his stuff and bagging it up and that was hard enough. I still know it's absolutely the right thing to be doing but I found a photo from a few months after we met and he looks so completely happy and gorgeous. It's clear he's physically deteriorated since then. That made me want to change my mind but of course he isn't that man anymore and I am still at peace with my decision.

Will post what happens either tonight or tomorrow if I'm in a state (or he is, god)

OP posts:
maxybrown · 12/02/2012 17:30

Hope it goes as well as can be - I think you are being very strong, even if you don't feel it.

kodachrome · 12/02/2012 17:30

I hope it goes as well as it can. Good luck.

And don't be swayed. If this is the right decision for you, it would be no good for either of you if you were to be persuaded only to end up in the same place weeks later.