I have to end it with dp, hand holding gratefully accepted

[sadsackbee]

My last thread is here but to sum up quickly I've been with my wonderful dp for a year but he has terrible depression and won't get treatment and I can no longer cope. Anyway, I've thought long and hard about my decision and having spent some time away from him I'm definitely ending it.

He's away until Sunday. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I am absolutely sure of my decision, but actually telling him this is how it is is going to be devastating because I do love him lots and he is very sensitive and I know he's going to fall apart a bit.

I've gone over this a million times in my head and I'm pretty sure what I'm going to say, I'm just a bit of a wreck waiting for Sunday. I think it won't come as a surprise to him, I've just replied briefly to texts for the last couple of weeks and we only spoke on the phone 2 times (unusual for us) but equally he is talking about things we will do in a few weeks and writing about how much he misses me so on one level it will be a shock . I feel horrible for doing this, but it is absolutely the right thing for both of us.

Gah, I'm so nervous. I have terrible butterflies. I'm still a tiny bit scared I'll see him and feel overwhelmed by love for him and not be able to say it, but that at this stage is much less likely than it was a few weeks ago. I just wish I didn't have to go through the actual break up conversation with him.

Oh blimey. How awful, and difficult for both of you. I hope it goes as well as can be expected.

Good luck. Not an easy thing to do at all.

I was on your last thread and I'll hold your hand too.

I genuinely don't believe the doctor told him that. It suits his agenda to tell you that. I don't mean to be horrible about him, but I do empathise with him if you remember from the last thread.

It's almost impossible for you to do this without hurting him, but that's not your 'fault' as such. Relationships just do break down.

As I said before, I think you just need to be as clear, honest and firm with him as you possibly can. Then avoid endless talking about it on the phone or lots of further meetings, even if he begs.

I can't remember if you know many of his friends or family - it might be worth letting them know that he might need their support. They might see you as the villain too, but you're really not.

I'm back and it's done and it was very, very hard.

He turned up looking very depressed. Initially I wondered when and how to say it all but I felt everything happy in me being sucked out by his awful depression once more, and felt so claustrophobic, so I knew I had to do it. Then he told me his parents wanted to pay for us to go to Florence together (I don't think I wrote about this before but I wanted to go a while ago for my birthday and he was far too depressed). My heart utterly sank.

Once he said this I swallowed all my courage and told him I thought we needed to just be friends, and he looked really shocked for a moment. But then he confessed he'd been thinking of saying the same thing and thought it was the best thing for us. So that took a huge amount of pressure off. He said in all honesty he was too depressed to feel much about it all but that he was sad and didn't want to lose me.

We ate our supper and had a good long chat. He asked me all the reasons why I wanted this, so I told him very honestly. He said he still hopes that he can sort himself out this year and that we can end up being together and I said that was really very unlikely. But we agreed to be friends, bearing in mind we are at heart extremely good friends. If we are just friends we can maybe keep some of the good bits of our relationship and I won't have all the worry and the negatives. I wouldn't take this action if he was begging me to be with him still, but as it is he is accepting we can't be together and in all honesty is consumed with himself right now anyway. If it's too hard I will have a rethink about that.

I absolutely cried my eyes out at various times because there were every now and again glimmers of the old him and I love him so much. He is the kindest, loveliest man and I wish with all my heart he didn't have depression so we could be together, but I know it is a long term part of him.

I definitely need a good night's sleep now; I feel like I've been run over. It went much better than it could have done but still very devastating. I can't imagine right now I'll ever meet such a special man again but I am grateful for the amazing year we had together, which gave me so much.

Thank you to everyone for the hands. I might hold onto them for a little longer if that's ok

OP, I think you and him have both handled this very well. Depression is such a shit horrible illness and sadly it's something that people need to do on their own sometimes. There were times when everyone in my life was begging me to go and get help, but I just wasn't ready. I lost a lot of people, but I don't blame them: it's just too hard to deal with someone who hates everything so much.

It's great you can remain friends. Have a good night's sleep and focus on yourself for a bit.

Thank you so much Yellow. I value your input.

It is a shit disease. Total and utter shit.

Just read your thread sadsackbee and you have handled this with much dignity.

I hope the coming days allow you some time and space to recover and think about finding yourself again.

Hey sadsack, I sort of changed my name but not too much! How did you sleep? My dh is supposed to come home tomorrow after a week away but I actually don't think he will.
I hope you feel more peaceful. It's so hard and unfair. I'm sure you feel like you've been robbed.

I didn't sleep too badly, thank you.

You're quite right I feel utterly robbed. When I'm not around my, I should now say ex-dp , I feel confident in my decision because I'm concentrating on the depression. When I see him, like last night, I feel so overwhelmed by love and feelings of 'I can't believe I ended up with such an amazing guy, I'm the luckiest person ever, I have to make this work.' So those are the feelings I've woken up with; wishing it could have done, feeling desperately sad I'm not going to be with him and sharing my life with him.

But equally if he were here, he would have woken up this morning exhausted, looking ill, telling me he felt terrible and there would have been another day of a lot of worry where in actual fact I am free of that now. I am just constantly saying to myself 'this is about long term, it's agony now, it's will be the right decision in terms of my whole life.'

Actually I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

SSB, you have done the right thing but it was clearly so hard for you. Your love for him shines through. You BOTH handled it really well and I really hope you manage to salvage your friendship out of this and that he manages to get the help he needs.

Thank you Fetchez.

I'm utterly devastated today.

You have done the right thing. I met my wonderful husband nearly fifteen years ago, but three years ago he became depressed and although I tried hard to keep us together a we have recently separated. I am devastated at losing the man I thought was my life partner but he is a shadow of the man he was and so my head tells me it was the right thing to do. I feel utterly robbed of the life i had hoped for and expected because of depression , but also his lack of getting the right help for it. Am thinking of you

I'm so sorry flump that you are going through similar (and much worse. I can't imagine your pain after 15 years of being with your dh).

It is the right thing for both of us. Life is too short, it really is.

At least we both now have a chance of happiness. Different to what we wanted or expected, but happiness nonetheless. I am trying hard to focus on that in between the horrible bits.

Ok let's just ignore the valentine rubbish for today eh?! That's two of us then. Treat yourself to something nice today if you can and do one thing that makes you happy! I am going to bake something nice for the kids today, that's going to be my happy thing.

That sounds nice actually. I hope you had fun. I haven't done anything in particular - the Valentines day thing isn't bothering me too much. But I will go and have a hot bath and paint my nails or something perhaps.

I had a better day. I felt much more positive and got on and did some good things. It's just these long lonely evenings that are tough. I was supposed to go to a craft group I regularly attend, but everyone else who goes is married/engaged/in a relationship so they all cancelled. Never mind! I'm off out tomorrow night I hope.

You really have done the right thing. Because you matter too and it is not possible to live a life that is all about taking care of someone who can't or won't take care of himself.