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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'M Uhuru - does anyone remember me?

32 replies

Uhuru · 23/01/2006 21:54

I wonder if anyone remembers me. Last April I found at that my H had become "close" (his words) to somebody at work - he swears no sex although I said it is still affair as he kept relationship with woman secret. Anyway in the meantime we have had counselling, she has left work and he says there has been no contact. On my part I have tried to trust him - I have not been checking his phone, emails etc. Since last week I have been having a feeling that all is not well - nothing concrete just a hunch - so last night I checked his blackberry - in his contacts are her new work details and her new home details (she appears to have moved abroad) I'm afraid I lost it big time with him this morning telling him he doesn't deserve my trust. He says he didn't put the details in, must have been automatically updated from work database. Wht would work be in interested in private contact details of an ex employee?

I am at my wit's end - feel a fool for believing him and trusting him - don't know what to do - don't really know why I have posted - just need a bit of moral support really.

OP posts:
beachyhead · 23/01/2006 21:59

I remember you and I followed your story. I'm afraid, I think you are right. Work would not keep personal details of ex-employees, especially if they have moved. Can you tell if any contact has been made?

Original poster
Uhuru · 23/01/2006 22:00

Don't know - don't really know how to check - I feel numb and stupid and naive

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/01/2006 22:02

sorry to hear this Uhuru.

I dont really know what to say - other than - what an idiot he is.

Did you feel that counselling had helped things at all?

moondog · 23/01/2006 22:03

Oh dear Uhuru.
Sounds like Mrs Miggins' sad experince.

edam · 23/01/2006 22:03

Sounds unlikely, since she's left. Sorry, but it doesn't look good. Can he show you any other obviously domestic addresses of ex-employees in there?

Original poster
Uhuru · 23/01/2006 22:05

I thought it had but it seems not. I don't understand - if he wants her he should just go instead of doing things behind my back - he knows this I tol him often enough last year. Thanks for your replies - I am going have to figure this one out.

OP posts:
MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 09:12

sorry to read this Uhuru - Moondog is sadly right that it does sound like my experience

I would agree with others about it not updating ex-employees

would also say that if you had not been checking and then suddenly felt things werent right, chances are you have grounds

my biggest thing was that H kept making me out to be mad b4 I found out, and when I finally found proof, I felt relieved that my instincts had been right.

dont know what to suggest you do but just wanted to show support

Marina · 24/01/2006 09:21

Uhuru, I remember your worries very well and have wondered how you are getting on.
I too think, what with Data Protection issues etc these days, the likelihood of your h's Blackberry auto-received new personal details for an ex-employee are remote to say the least. My workplace wouldn't even give me a team member's mobile number when he went temp. awol in the July 7th bombing aftermath.
You were not a fool to trust him though - please don't say that. You were giving your husband a second chance, something I think many women will do when there are young children at stake.
He is the fool for lying and now putting his marriage and his relationship with his child on the line.
I'm so sorry to hear he is still messing around.

Marina · 24/01/2006 09:22

MistressMiggins, at your being made out to be mad. What a pig.

MarsOnLife · 24/01/2006 09:23

I remember you Uhuru and have thought about you occasionally.

I'm so sorry that this is happening. Well done you for proving that you could trust.

I'm sorry that he has chosen to abuse that trust.

Beetroot · 24/01/2006 09:25

Uhuru, I remember what you went through last year. I am not sure what to suggest, however I do think that letting him know you are checking will jsut make him shut down and use anohter way of contacting her (if he is)

YOu need to be more sly If you really beelive he is doing something, although if she iis living abraod I am not sure how they can be.

MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 09:33

dont mean to upset you further but thinking about what Beety said - if shes abroad how can they be up to anything

the details - are they a mobile and address ?

address could be false to put you off - i.e. "how can I be upto anything when SHE lives in XXXX"

agree with Marsy - you have shown you could trust again and you need to carry on trusting YOURSELF and do whats right for you

Original poster
Uhuru · 24/01/2006 09:34

Don't know if he is dong something - last night he showed me that there were personal details of other ex employees - it's just the fact that he can get in touch with her if he wants to - he is going to the US later next month - admittedly nowhere near where she seems to be.

The thing is this just brings it all back. Wierd thing is last week I spoke to a friend and told her that I was feeling bad about the whole thing again. I told him as well and he of course said nothing to worry about blah blah blah. I now feel I need to know everything that happened in order to put this to rest - sorry I'm rambling.

OP posts:
MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 09:39

Why does he have her details though?

If she is ex-collegue, he doesnt need to speak to her.
If she was cause of a problem in your marriage, he should not have ANY contact with her - I would insist he delete her details in front of you so that he doesnt have the chance to write her number down

sorry but speaking from experience, any contact is bad.

when I found out about H's affair, I did some reading to try to make sense of it all and the one thing everyone says is NO MORE CONTACT
I should have insisted H left his job but I didnt and now he is with her.

sorry you're going through this again

Original poster
Uhuru · 24/01/2006 09:40

It is a mobile and address and work number and work address - I'm sure she has moved but as I say this has just brought all the hurt back. BTW he has now deleted her details from his blackberry - how can he do that if it comes from a central database?

OP posts:
Beetroot · 24/01/2006 09:41

well they will go back on there when he plugs back in I guess

Beetroot · 24/01/2006 09:42

a central database that has everyones details on, surely that is a load of tosh? why would everyonne in the ocmpany want everyones elses contact details

Original poster
Uhuru · 24/01/2006 09:46

Although I hate to do it as it feels that it demeans and belittles me I will be checking again to see if they go back on - anyway I am sure he can log in from work to get the details.

I hate this -I hate that what happened last year happended - I hate her and I am really starting to hate H. Also when I feel like this I end up getting narky with DD and obviously it's not her fault - he can compartmentalise (obviously) and so no problems with DD but of course as far as she can see mummy is narky daddy is not - I seem to be losing all round - BUT I am an adult so it is up to me to be calm and even aroung DD

OP posts:
MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 09:46

agree with Beety
IF the central database automatically updated his blackberry, then deleting it will only work that day as the next day it would automatically update again

I dont pretend to know how blackberries work but it sounds unlikely

ggglimpopo · 24/01/2006 09:47

Message withdrawn

MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 09:52

can totally empathize with you about it all

you are bound to be narky with DD cos you are worried again

you need to sort this out for your own sanity
has he mentioned her again?
has he tried to reassure you?

what a sh#t

eefs · 24/01/2006 09:54

Oh I don't know - in my job people tend to move between different companies but stay in the industry so if a colleague changed jobs the chances are that they would move to a competitor and we would have their contact details. Also due to the amount of travelling we do we all have work mobiles. My blackberry updates from the central contacts list and I would have the same contacts as everyone else in the company. Maybe she works from home which is why her home address appears?

Just explaining that that would be the case for me, if you have a hunch it's probably for a reason.

MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 09:58

well done eefs
I didnt realise Blackberries could be updated from central list - sounds reasonable now youve explained it

BUT it depends why Uhuru felt things werent right again

I strongly believe we women know when somethings not right

how are you feeling now Uhuru?

Original poster
Uhuru · 24/01/2006 10:04

Thanks eefs - his blackberry doesn't have all of the company contacts - that would be about 20,000 contacts - the way he tells it is that there is a list from which his contacts list is updated - on which she appears - why anybody would think that he needs her home details now that she has left is beyond me BUT i am able to make room in my head that this is possibly true but the instinct thing is troubling me

OP posts:
Beetroot · 24/01/2006 11:01

thnkas eefs. totally alien enviroment tome