I'M Uhuru - does anyone remember me?

[Uhuru]

I wonder if anyone remembers me. Last April I found at that my H had become "close" (his words) to somebody at work - he swears no sex although I said it is still affair as he kept relationship with woman secret. Anyway in the meantime we have had counselling, she has left work and he says there has been no contact. On my part I have tried to trust him - I have not been checking his phone, emails etc. Since last week I have been having a feeling that all is not well - nothing concrete just a hunch - so last night I checked his blackberry - in his contacts are her new work details and her new home details (she appears to have moved abroad) I'm afraid I lost it big time with him this morning telling him he doesn't deserve my trust. He says he didn't put the details in, must have been automatically updated from work database. Wht would work be in interested in private contact details of an ex employee?

I am at my wit's end - feel a fool for believing him and trusting him - don't know what to do - don't really know why I have posted - just need a bit of moral support really.

Uhuru, all sounds very suspect to me. My ex-H lied to me constantly all the way through our break-up. He lied to the counsellor we went to see, he couldn't seem to stop himself from lying. It was as though there were no depths to which he wouldn't sink in order to protect himself.
Apart from the appearance of her details on his Blackberry, how have things been between the two of you? Do you feel that the relationship is improving? Has he made an effort to work things out between the two of you?
This latest revelation comes in the context of so much more.

Uhuru
I do remember you well as we were both going through the same type of thing at the same time.
My experience was that it took almost ayear to get her totally out of our lives and my dh went through the giving her his new work and phone details etc but I, like you still had the feeling all was not well- so I kept asking and checking and found out that although he was not seeing her as he had bee, he was still contactiong her and she him. it is so right you can only start to get trust back if there is NO MORE CONTACT at all. However although I don't know if he's telling you the truth I feel he must be aware that you would check every now and then- given what happened and in my experience they try to disguise the details eg undr a ficticious name or just initials because they know they've been rumbled before- I tend to think that if he's not disguising her details he either takes you for a fool or he's telling the truth.
Only you know if you still can cope with trying to get the trust back- he must understand whatever the truth is -he needs to make you trust again. Keep talking to him make him understand why you feel so upset about this.
My dh at the time kept saying - but we are just friends, it's not like before- he didn't get it- how the laep of faith for me to start trusting again was so big the very mention of her name inhis life somewhere stopped that happening- he gets it now- but only after he went to counselling (and me). keep talking honey- I understand how you feel.

Things generally seem to be ok but I had a talk withhim last night about how the deception from last year still hurts (he is adamant that new details only appeared on blackberry because of database - told him that may be the case but it doesn't make sense). He asked how many times are we going to have to go over this - I told him that I would stop talking about it but that would mean that I would just be stewing about it - is that what he wanted - he said no. I asked him how he thought I should feel - he doesn't know. I asked him how he thought he would be feeling now if the roles were reversed - he doesn't know. I told he seems to want me to put it in a box and move on - he didn't deny this - told him that was difficult as I was the one who had been betrayed.

I know this is harsh but I told him that hios actions had made me do somethinhg that I never thought i would do - stay with somebody who lied to me - I told him that that does belittle me in my own eyes - also told him that his lies, his defending that stupid cow last year (he had told her he had asked her not to call him on his mobile and certainly not to leave messages that could be construed to be personal - she continued to call him on his mobile and leave messages that said - Hi its me can you call me when you get this message? - no names no details. When I would get angry he would say she's just calling about work and I shouldn't get mad - I told him that she obviously had no respect for him as a friend - if that's what they were - as she was doing something he had asked her not to do and she knew it would upset me - and she had no respect for him as her superior at work as he had asked her not to do this and she had continued to do this - he always said no that's not the case - she's allowed to call about work - at 10.30 at night! Even if she was working nothing was going to go out at that time so why the urgency.

Told him last night that presumably they had worked together before - how come she never had the need to call him at home late at night before their relationship developed - no reply

Lots of other things were said - don't know if he does understand it from my point of view - suspect not but unfortunately it IS preying on my mind and i DO need to talk about it.

If you've got this far thank you for reading - it's just ramble but it helps to write it down.

Uhuru,
I still sometimes have to talk about it (it gets less and less as time goes on)my dh now understands that. He would much rather I put the lid on that box from the past and never ever open it but he knows he has made me feel like this- he now wants to do anything to gain my trust again so recognises he has to talk and still answer questions. He also now sees how, although he hates doing so as he has to revisit the things he did and the terrible persom he was then- he sees how it is part of my/our healing process as each time we do talk I get upset-yes but later I feel that little bit futher down the line and closer to him.

I think men in this situation make the mistake of thinking to revisit the details is stepping backwards- but as you said- you'd only stew on it and then it eats you up inside. Face your demons- is my mantra- which can be painful but I truely belive in the long run makes you healthy again.
If your dh can grasp this he will understand why you still freak out at any conection with her and why you still don't trust but are working on it.
It sounds as though he's starting to understand that- at first my dh just couldn't get it, didn't want to talk, kept saying I was dragging us backwards- now he understands you have to face the past full on- pain- anger etc and all before the future has a chance.
Keep talking, take care.

Bless you maturer - you make me feel normal - sometimes even I think I should just get over it but every so often it hits me out of the blue and knocks me sideways.

Although I am not proud of it sometimes all I want is revenge so he can understand and feel the hurt of deception.

He still maintains that there was never any sexual relationship but do you know what it 's the lies, the treating me badly, the putting her first, making time to listen to her problems when he was barely civil to me and the decption that really hurts - I have old him that I can probably deal with anything but I do notwant to make any decisions regarding our future based on lies, half truths or not knowing the whole story - is that too much to ask. I am sorry but I am having a bit of down time.

I know it may not be possible but I just want to know the truth - the extent of their "connection" -I feel like an outsider in my life and in my marriage.

it feels like a barrier between you & your husband - almost a brick wall to a little room that you cant see into
HE knows whats in that room
SHE knows whats in that room
you dont

you need to explain this to him - perhaps even using this visual image and explain that in a marriage the only people with a secret room should be the husband & wife
exaplin that although you may be angry & hurt (again) if something new comes out, you need to know so you can move on

I agree that you cannot move on or make future plans if you think you're marriage is based on or contains lies

big hugs to you

Haven't yet fully read the thread.

But I feel I must say, that where I work (a university), we do have a central database, with employees and ex-employees details on.
The employees both current and previous get yearly mailings from the school, journals, and invites to events etc......

Just thought I would say that it does happen in some workplaces..well mine does anyway. Although I've never had access to these details except on the work intranet.