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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me stop being so grumpy towards my lovely DH [sad]

38 replies

grumpygrumpy · 09/02/2012 13:10

Have namechanged....

Just that really. I am a grumpy cow probably a good 50% of the time, if not more. I have no reason to be - DH is lovely and I do love him very much and think myself very fortunate to have a H like him. He works hard, easily does as much around the home and with the DC as I do, is a wonderful dad, loves me and shows it, is generous, kind and very patient (needs to be with me Hmm). e do get on really well, talk a lot, share lots of interest, have a laugh, and have a good sex life.

I don't have any major worries in my life, financially ok, house is lovely, don't mind my job. And the worse thing is I manage to be nice to everybody else. But for some reason, I take any stupid little grumps out on my H at the drop of a hat - an example is if the children are winding me up or if I don't feel well - it all gets taken out on him. I snap at him, sulk and act like a stupid teenager around him sometimes. Then I feel really guilty and apologise and make an extra effort to be nice to him for a few days - but I never manage to make it last much longer. He is always very gracious about it and doesn't make me feel bad about it.

Why why why do I do it? Friends & family always say how lucky I am and what a lovely couple we are (and we are). But behind closed doors I can be such a cow - people would be so shocked if they saw me/heard me sometimes.

What's wrong with me - and how can I stop myself being so horrible to him sometimes?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 09/02/2012 13:15

Sometimes it helps to think to yourself-Would I treat my friends in this way? Think of the things you have said or done to your DH, would you have said or done any of them to your best friend?

Original poster
grumpygrumpy · 09/02/2012 13:16

No I wouldn't - and the thing is I know that. Sometimes I say something snotty and I know as soon as it's out there that it's out of order, but it doesn't stop me Sad

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 09/02/2012 13:17

Has he mentioned it? Or does he just accept you are a grump to him?

Original poster
grumpygrumpy · 09/02/2012 13:23

Yes we do talk about it and he has sat me down before to try and get to the bottom of why I act like it sometimes, because it does make him miserable. The problem is I don't know why. He is honestly the nicest person I have ever met - in the past I've had a couple of horrible relationships where I wouldn't have dared act the way I do towards my DH because I would have gotten a lot worse back. But now I'm with someone lovely I seem hell bent on messing it up for no reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpygrumpy · 09/02/2012 13:23

Am making myself cry now after saying that Sad

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 09/02/2012 13:26

Oh don't cry. You have at least acknowledged you have a problem with the way you treat him. Are you feeling down in general?

malinkey · 09/02/2012 13:29

Well, it's obviously not good but at least you're aware of what you're doing and it sounds like you want to change.

I think the fact you're 'hell bent on messing it up' might be at the root of this. What about going to see a counsellor on your own to see if you can work out why you're doing it as well as finding ways to stop yourself?

malinkey · 09/02/2012 13:29

Does anyone else in your family behave like this?

Lovemygirls · 09/02/2012 13:30

No one is perfect and when you live with someone I think it's natural to snap on occasion especially if wound up/ stressed/ tired/ ill/ got pmt as long as you apologise and he knows you don't mean it.

In a perfect world it would be lovely to never take stuff out on your nearest and dearest but it's not a perfect world is it.

You can try to be nicer or to make up for snapping and I'm sure he will appreciate it and it's nice you want to try and stop it completely but I think your setting yourself up to fail if you think you can live life without ever snapping or getting irritated sometimes.

Maybe I'm wrong and not everyone snaps at their nearest and dearest but I know for sure that I do especially around pmt time and I've even started taking ad's to try and help me but dh says I have still snapped at him a few times over the past couple of days, I did warn him it was likely to happen because of pmt and I find packing to go on holiday stressful and I haven't been sleeping well lately etc I love him and when we get there I'm sure we will have an amazing time and he will forgive me for the times I took my tiredness/ stress/ pmt out on him because he knows it's not personal.

Original poster
grumpygrumpy · 09/02/2012 13:30

I'm probably more of a pessimist than optimist. Don't know if I can say I'm 'down' in general - more up and down. I am a worrier, and stupidly enough I've created my biggest worry all on my own - which is that I worry about him deciding he doesn't want to put up with me anymore one day.

OP posts:
TreacleSoda · 09/02/2012 13:31

How do you feel about the fact that he accepts it but still loves you?

Do you feel like it is a weakness on his part?

Original poster
grumpygrumpy · 09/02/2012 13:32

Ha yes actually malinkey my mother can be a right moody sulk - she used to be like it with my father then after he died she started aiming it all at me. Oh god there's no hope for me is there.

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpygrumpy · 09/02/2012 13:33

Treacle maybe in some way I do see it as a weakness (what a horrible thing to admit...)

Although at the same time I am almost in awe of how much more of an adult he is compared to me sometimes (as in emotionally).

OP posts:
SinicalSanta · 09/02/2012 13:34

Sounds like you are taking him for granted - you wouln't speak to a colleague or friend that way, but you are relying in his love and forgiveness.
I am like that too at times, but have managed to keep a lid on it except for extra grumpy mornings.
It's not fair on him, as you know, nor on your dc if you snap at him often. But the grumpy feelings/tension/stressed outness will still be there so you need to find a way to work those (perfectly natural) feelings out in a way that doesn't impinge on those around you.

Original poster
grumpygrumpy · 09/02/2012 13:34

And I don't see him as a weak person - he has been really strong for me and other people during bleak times in the past - he's probably one of the strongest people (emotionally I mean) I know.

OP posts:
malinkey · 09/02/2012 13:36

Ah well, you know where you learnt it from then! Doesn't mean there's no hope for you though - the fact that you're admitting it and wanting to change means you can of course - just it might take a bit of work. (I'll bet your dear ma has never expressed such a desire to do something about her grumpiness)

Get thee to counselling!

oldwomaninashoe · 09/02/2012 13:36

Have you asked him to shout back at you?
If he shouted back at you "Shut up you are really out of order" Could you , would you stop? or would you just respond twice as nastily/loudly/ angrily?

CumberdickBendybatch · 09/02/2012 13:37

I can be like this when stressed/sleep-deprived (so all the time then.. Hmm ) and I try not to do it, but honestly it's like I have no control. I can be mean, and no I wouldn't talk to my friends like that.

My parents have always sniped at each other, they're always nagging each other about something, very judgemental etc, so while I'm not blaming them I recognise a lot of their behaviour towards each other in the way I speak to DP.

I recognise that it is my problem, and he is a grumpy sod at the best of times as well, so it's difficult, but we're muddling through.. I always apologise when I've snapped at him, him not so much..

Oh.. probably shouldn't have responsed to this, I'm depressing myself now!

Lovemygirls · 09/02/2012 13:38

I could have written all your posts tbh, I was in 2 DV relationships before I met my DH we did go for couple counselling about 8yrs ago and it did help quite a lot and I have recently starting going to counselling on my own again, I think I might talk to her about my grumpiness the next time I go because it isn't fair on DH, he sounds very similar to yours, my exes were both very thick skinned and violent/ aggressive so even if I did snap at them it would have taken a lot more for them to even notice I think whereas my wonderful DH is a very sensitive soul and he notices the slightest change in my tone, maybe yours is the same?

TreacleSoda · 09/02/2012 13:38

Grumpy I think I know exactly what you mean. The reason I asked about the 'weakness' thing is because I think to some degree I have been where you are, in that I took all my frustration out on my DH, and like you, I actually see him as a really strong person, someone I rely on, and yet on some level I think I was pushing him to try to provoke a reaction, which I never got. It was a counsellor who got me to see this though, would professional counselling be an option for you?

kodachrome · 09/02/2012 13:40

There is hope because you recognise what you're doing and want to change.

Do you think in some way you might be testing your dh to see if when pushed hard enough, he will eventually snap and react like the men in your previous relationships? Maybe you'd benefit from counselling - and if those were abusive relationships, from specific abuse survivor counselling?

sunshineandbooks · 09/02/2012 13:44

grumpy the fact that your previous relationships have seen you on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour is the key to this and it's something that you're going to need help with to overcome. But you can overcome it and probably easier than you think. You are not an abuser or a horrible person because you are making no attempt to justify your behaviour or blame your DH the way a real abuser would. But go and get that help, because the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to break the pattern of behaviour and the more danger there is to your marriage. In the meantime, try the little trick of imagining that there are little cameras in every room recording what you say/do Good luck.

Original poster
grumpygrumpy · 09/02/2012 13:44

TBH I've never liked the idea of counselling - my exes were a long time ago now and I never really think about it. And I assume that to get to the bottom of why I act the way I do, I would have to start raking it all over again. Not a nice thought.

I wish there was a short cut way of making myself nicer. Horrible to admit, but I do wonder if DH were to turn around and shout back, I would be so shocked that I would then stop. He never does, he is so laid back and just doesn't seem to have a temper in him. Which is one of the things I love about him - I am a very stupid cow aren't I?

OP posts:
thebighouse · 09/02/2012 13:44

Grumpy having just left an emotionally abusive relationship for a non-EA relationship, I can sympathise a bit... I sort of feel as though I have no 'limiter' on my own behaviour, because I know that in the past, if I ever got crabby, I would be firmly put in my place. I am recognising this and finding it all a bit weird, but I'd definitely not hesitate to get counselling if I was struggling with it. I think your reaction is probably really normal in the circumstances. I hope you can sort this out. xxx

malinkey · 09/02/2012 13:48

I don't think your DH should be put in the position of having to shout at you to stop you

Your behaviour is something you have to work out. Would counselling really be so bad?

And no, you're not stupid.