Help me stop being so grumpy towards my lovely DH [sad]

[grumpygrumpy]

Have namechanged....

Just that really. I am a grumpy cow probably a good 50% of the time, if not more. I have no reason to be - DH is lovely and I do love him very much and think myself very fortunate to have a H like him. He works hard, easily does as much around the home and with the DC as I do, is a wonderful dad, loves me and shows it, is generous, kind and very patient (needs to be with me ). e do get on really well, talk a lot, share lots of interest, have a laugh, and have a good sex life.

I don't have any major worries in my life, financially ok, house is lovely, don't mind my job. And the worse thing is I manage to be nice to everybody else. But for some reason, I take any stupid little grumps out on my H at the drop of a hat - an example is if the children are winding me up or if I don't feel well - it all gets taken out on him. I snap at him, sulk and act like a stupid teenager around him sometimes. Then I feel really guilty and apologise and make an extra effort to be nice to him for a few days - but I never manage to make it last much longer. He is always very gracious about it and doesn't make me feel bad about it.

Why why why do I do it? Friends & family always say how lucky I am and what a lovely couple we are (and we are). But behind closed doors I can be such a cow - people would be so shocked if they saw me/heard me sometimes.

What's wrong with me - and how can I stop myself being so horrible to him sometimes?

So if I were looking for some kind of self help book as a starting point (still a bit nervous of actually RL counselling...) what would I be looking for? Relationship help? Help with after effects of DV? I feel like I want to do something positive now I'm talking about this - would a self help book be a good start? I like the idea of imagining there's a camera in the room btw - somebody on here mentioned counting to ten before answering your partner the other day and I've been trying to do that.

I think the idea of getting him to shout or snap back is really bad - it could easily escalate things. Also it's asking him to take responsibility for your behaviour - not fair.

I do agree koda - I wouldn't actually do that and he would be horrified at the idea. I was just saying that, horribly, it would probably stop me acting the way I do....

I understand what you mean about not liking the idea of counselling, but you are clearly unhappy with things the way they are, so it might be worth giving it a try, since you say you are unable to change things on your own?

I am fortunate that my problems were not related to abusive past relationships, thankfully, so I have no experience there, but I do have experience of not being a very nice wife to a really fantastic husband who deserved much better. But counselling really did help me, and I found it very very difficult at first to talk about things, I would sit for an hour with a lump in my throat unable to get any words out. But in the end, things improved, and I really hope I am a much nicer wife now.

What's harder?

Raking up and dealing with the past?

Continuing as you are, torturing yourself with guilt and eventually dealing with the pain caused by your DH leaving?

Sorry if that's harsh, but sometimes it can help to see things from such a stark perspective.

Alternatively, if you really can't face counselling, try reading up more on abuse (particularly this book - you don't need to read all of it about the violence, just the chapters on the dynamics of unhealthy relationships and why the victim is never in any way responsible). Although you are not in a DV situation and your bad relationships are in the past, it would still help you.

Not knowing anything else about you I'm loathe to go down the pop psychology route, but the most obvious explanation is that you haven't quite come to terms with the fact that nothing you could have said/done in the past is responsible for the way you were treated. You may feel that it's your own fault you got treated badly and subconsciously you're trying to get your DH to ''prove' this. When you truly realise that the only person responsible for bad behaviour is the person committing it, you may well find that you no longer feel the need to goad your DH.

I agree with counselling.

I suspect you are sort of trying out your husband, exactly because you could not act out like this in previous relationships. And because you feel safe with him to let out any frustrations.

What you need to do is find other ways to let those frustrations out, but you may not be able to do it by yourself.

I can relate to disliking yourself for your behaviour and wanting to change. When I left my marriage I was heartily ashamed of how horrible I had been to DH and how badly I had treated him. There were a multitude of reasons and he labelled me as an abuser. I remember posting on here under an old name and getting help.

Fast forward two years and much counselling and I am a happy calm and cheerful person with an adoring new man. He cannot understand my fear that I will treat him badly, or that I am afraid I will lose respect for him and be horrible. I am just beginning to trust the "new me" is here to stay and the "old me" was a product of unhappiness and living with a controlling EA man.

My advice? Go and see a counsellor and explore what is going on. If you want to change you can. Simples!!

Am exactly exactly the same OP. Snappy and grumpy, things just come out of my mouth and I have no idea why. Sometimes (and I feel so ashamed to admit this) I want to hurt him with my words. As soon as I say them though, I feel awful.

We've spoken about this a lot and I have been to counselling and it's a lot better than it used to be. For me, the problem was I felt so beneath him cos my self esteem was so crap so I felt I could say whatever and it wouldn't wound him. Could that be part of it for you?

I'm like this to my DP. Don't know why, he said it bothers him sometimes but he's learnt not to take it personally anymore and rather than get angry back he let's me know calmly I'm being a cow which has helped me notice it and stop

Blimey OP you do sort of have him on a pedestal don't you? Then you bash yourself up for not being as "perfect" as he is, hmmmm.

So what does that mean mojito - seriously?

It probably does sound as if I have him on a pedestal and I do, in a way. Only in my head though - he doesn't really see the 'evidence' of that in the way I treat him though.

I know nobody's perfect - him included, but the fact is I know he treats me better than I treat him much of the time.

It's kind of comforting to know I'm not the only one acting this way btw

Oh grumpy - I do this too. My DP is a lovely man, not perfect but kind and thoughtful and loving and hardworking etc. Much more emotionally mature than me. Sometimes I am just horrible. There will be a reason but it is often totally trivial and my reaction is disproportionate. Like you i know I'm doing it. I can hear my own voice with than nasty critical aggressive tone in it and I hate it. I am sure counselling and finding out more about myself and why I do it would be helpful but it isn't a quick fix is it? Personally I think it's because at some level, I need him to know I'm not a pushover. FFS. He KNOWS this and totally respects me. There is no need to keep asserting myself in this way.
What seems to help is taking just a second or two before I say something unpleasant and try to stop myself. Think about the tone I am using and whether I should say it at all. It is really, REALLY difficult to do all the time but when it works, and I manage to avoid some totally unnecessary remark or even better manage to get my point across in a calm and reasonable way, or even laugh about whatever it is, I feel so pleased with myself that it's kind of addictive. I know that sounds really simple but it's actually quite difficult. But the more you succeed the easier it gets. I have to keep making a conscious effort to think before I speak. It is making things between us SO much better. I don't feel so unsettled and anxious and I know he's happier. Just keep trying, I'd say. Oh and apologise when you know you have been unreasonable. Good luck.

OP you need counselling.

I can understand you wanted to avoid the past rather than return to it, but this is your DH you're hurting. Learning about yourself through counselling is the least you can do for him.

Yes it will be uncomfortable, but it will be much much much more uncomfortable if you marriage falls apart because you wanted to avoid thinking about your past.