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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's gone

43 replies

Bellie · 08/02/2012 20:16

Been together 18 years, married for 13, 2 kids 7 and 3 and tonight he has gone to stay in a hotel.

Found out about his affair 12 months ago that had been going on for 12 months. Talked it all through at relate, worked through what I believed were the issues, and whilst we weren't perfect thought that we were on the road in the right direction.

He told me this morning, just as I was going out of the door that he was leaving. He came home tonight to tell me that he was not happy with our relationship and that he doesn't see how he can be happy in our relationship and now he has gone.

Plan is to tell the kids on Friday.

Feel numb.

OP posts:
MamaMary · 08/02/2012 20:17

How awful. I don't know what to say. :(

Original poster
Bellie · 08/02/2012 20:20

Thank you. Don't really know what is going on in my head just need to get it out iyswim.

OP posts:
feedbackforfree · 08/02/2012 20:20

Oh Bellie, so very sorry.

MamaMary · 08/02/2012 20:21

I'm sure there will be others who have gone through this and can ill give you some words of wisdom. In the meantime

Yama · 08/02/2012 20:21

I'm sorry Bellie, I really am.

Kleptronic · 08/02/2012 20:24

So hard for you. I've had similar, so I'm assuming it's beyond hard for you. Who's plan is that then, telling the kids on Friday? You make your own plans, don't dance to his tune if he's gone. You decide.

How is he paying for the hotel? Think about the money. Freeze joint accounts. Protect yourself and your kid's needs - he's possibly, given the previous behaviour, got an exit plan and been squirreling cash away. Maybe not, but the money is something you have to think about.

Keep breathing in and out, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Take it five minutes at a time. You can do this - you've already been through bad stuff, and you can get through this. Random hug from a stranger

maybeIwillmaybeIwont · 08/02/2012 20:36

Poor you, I am so sorry. No wonder you feel numb, especially so 'out of the blue' despite you trying to get things together. What did he think you were going to Relate for? Excellent advice from kleptronic, more stranger

Original poster
Bellie · 08/02/2012 20:40

Kleptronic, it was my plan telling them Friday, I think somehow he thought we didn't need to tell them. Clearly we are telling them that Daddy still loves them and he will always love them, he just doesn't love Mummy anymore and he isn't happy staying with Mummy. I am not letting him off the hook.

Having had time to think since this morning when he hit me with the bombshell, I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow and a friend is coming with me to help me listen properly.

If there is a chink of light in this, most of the finances are in my name with only a little in the joint account.
The hug is appreciated.

OP posts:
maleview70 · 08/02/2012 20:42

I know it will be hurting but is it not better that he is honest with you?

There is nothing worse than being with someone who really doesnt want to be with you.

You tried your best to resolve things and that is to your credit but it didnt work out. In time you will come to realise that this was probably for the best.

Pain eases and the future does get brighter.

Rather than freezing bank accounts etc as someone is suggesting, why not just try to bring the relationship to an end in the most amicable way possible. People can still be good parents even if not good partners.

MadAboutHotChoc · 08/02/2012 20:43

So sorry Sad

At least you know you did everything you could to fix things - unfortunately it looks like he never resolved his own issues. Are you sure he has not gone back to OW?

Original poster
Bellie · 08/02/2012 20:46

He says he isn't with the ow but who knows? I'm not sure anymore.

One of the big things was how I could trust him again, and whilst I like to think that he has been truthful with me I really don't know.

He has clearly been thinking this way for a while and I had no idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellie · 08/02/2012 20:47

maleview - I am sure that we can be good parents but not tonight! I just want to rip him apart for this to be honest.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 08/02/2012 20:52

I would be inclined to freeze joint finances and accounts as I find it hard to believe he is not with OW - it all happened out of the blue and its very unusual for a man to leave his home comforts for no reason except that he's unhappy.

HavingAnOffDAy · 08/02/2012 20:53

So sorry that you are going through this Bellie

How have the last 12 months been? I only ask because as a child (teenager) of divorved parents I felt that the last 12 months of their marriage - after my Dads affair - were a struggle. They both seemed to be trying on the surface but underneath that I think there was an awful lot of soul searching going on.

Once my dad left it was a blessed relief not to see my mum going through that particular pain - even though it was replaced by a different one IYSWIM.

Sorry if I have spoken out of turn. It's probably too soon for you to see any positives from the negatives.

Big hug from me too

lagrandissima · 08/02/2012 20:54

Bellie. Sorry to hear of your troubles. Sad. You will keep strong for your kids, and one day the pain will pass and you will be happy again. Hold onto that thought in the darkest moments.

Kleptronic · 08/02/2012 20:55

Ah Bellie, I am glad you have plans, a grip on the finances and someone in RL to go with you tomorrow. It sounds like you have a grip, and more power to you. It's not easy to think about these things in the shock of it all, and you are doing it. My hat is off.

ledkr · 08/02/2012 20:56

Hi Bellie. Almost identical situation to me 6 yrs ago,just add another child and we are the same.
I thought i would die but i didnt,i thought i would lose my house,car and job but i didnt.I thought id never cope but i did.
In fact i had a ball. I had a part time job so claimed my tax credits which also helped pay for childcare. I sorted out my finances and even took the children abroad each year. I made new friends and had adventures with them,sleepovers and days out. Life really was better.
I was hurt for a while of course but i kept busy and made nice plans even if it ws just a nice tea and a book in bed or a night out with friends. I lost weight,my confidence grew and i really lived my life.
I am so glad it happened now.I was wasting my life and have done so much since.
You will be fine,just take one day at a time and keep busy.
This is the begining of a new chapter of your life,anything can happen,its exciting.
Stay with us,we will help you through x

piratecat · 08/02/2012 21:02

such loving words of kind support here. i wish i'd found mn when it happened to me 7 yrs ago.

op i am sorry. this is such a good place to come to. x

ledkr · 08/02/2012 21:19

piratecat I always wish id known about mumsnet on those lonely evenings when everyone was bored of listening to me go on about it. It would have helped me so much as i sat nervously by the back door chain smoking when the kids had gone to bed.

Original poster
Bellie · 08/02/2012 21:25

Thank you all so much. I have just rang and told someone in RL and they are on their way over to be here for me.

You guys have given me so many kind words already and it is good to hear from you that have been there and come out the other side. I will get through this for my beautiful children they are all I have (and my friends) right now and they deserve so much from me. I am not sure how I will get there but I will.

Havinganoffday - I am sure that dd knows that something is not right, and whilst she will be devastated when we tell her (she is a daddys girl) I am sure in the long run us being apart will be the right thing for her.
I just feel so sad at the moment that she will not grow up with the 'picture perfect' family on occassions like Christmas and birthday that I sooooo wanted for her and ds and like I had throughout my childhood.

Wibbling a bit now, but feel like I just need to get it all out.

MN is such a fabulous place. I have been here since dd was a bump and whilst not always a poster have lurked and occassionally posted and have got so much inspiration and advice. I have lurked on relationships for a while since his affair, and it was due to reading stuff on here that I made the appointment with the solicitor for tomorrow.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 08/02/2012 21:28

Sounds like you are taking control, well done.

Glad you are getting some RL support.

Original poster
Bellie · 08/02/2012 21:31

Madabouthotchoc, not sure I feel like I am taking control - just feel that I am being swept along at the moment.
Feeling strangely calm now I have let it out here and to a couple of people in RL. Just feel that I should be doing something 'else' iyswim.
I suppose telling my parents is the next thing. That may have to wait a bit as I am sure they will make me more hysterical.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 08/02/2012 21:32

It will get better, it is hard to believe at the moment - but it will.

Grieve for what could have been and then move on and build the life you want and deserve.

Practicle stuff

get down to council offices and knock 25% of council tax - the day you tell them is the day that it changes

sort out and tell him you want maintenance the rate is 15% of net wages for one and 20% for two and 25% for three. Tell him he must have a relationship with the dc and they need to get started seeing him so the settle down and know he will still be around and consistent.

All things that hurt but will be better to be done and sorted so all the family know what is happening and two things will be - it is the uncertanty for dc that is the worst, that is why contact and money are best sorted asap then everyone is more secure and happy.

take car of yourself

ledkr · 08/02/2012 21:32

Well done bellie you are doing amazingly. On thing though. Tell the children as positively as you can do despite how you are feeling,because in the long run you are the one who will have to cope with any emotional fall out that the children may display.

Original poster
Bellie · 08/02/2012 23:05

friend just gone. Going to try and get some sleep now. Thanks for your thoughts and words this evening x

OP posts: