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Original poster

He's gone

43 replies

Bellie · 08/02/2012 20:16

Been together 18 years, married for 13, 2 kids 7 and 3 and tonight he has gone to stay in a hotel.

Found out about his affair 12 months ago that had been going on for 12 months. Talked it all through at relate, worked through what I believed were the issues, and whilst we weren't perfect thought that we were on the road in the right direction.

He told me this morning, just as I was going out of the door that he was leaving. He came home tonight to tell me that he was not happy with our relationship and that he doesn't see how he can be happy in our relationship and now he has gone.

Plan is to tell the kids on Friday.

Feel numb.

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LifeMovesOn · 08/02/2012 23:54

A huge hug for you from another who is through it and out the other side smiling.

There's just so much to deal with - keep your friends and family close, not only will you heed them, but they will need you too; keep strong - and you are allowed wobbles, to scream, cry and rage - it will all come.

Keep talking to us xx

fullofnostalgia · 09/02/2012 01:24

So sorry,Bellie -

Original poster
Bellie · 09/02/2012 06:06

I managed some sleep which has surprised me, especially as ds woke me up at 2am to tell me that he loved his Donald Duck!
Didn't think I would get back to sleep, but I did for another couple of hours. Am pacing the downstairs waiting for the kids to wake up, but can't stay in bed any longer.

Silly things keep going through my mind - what to do about our holiday in June that we only booked 4 weeks ago! This year was supposed to be the fresh start after the revalations of last year!! Can I go on my own with the kids? NOt actually sure that I am brave enough!?? Am I allowed to ???

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PattyPenguin · 09/02/2012 06:25

It's not silly to think of your holiday, Bellie - you're thinking of your kids, aren't you?

Three things spring to mind.

  1. Do you think you can deal with the practical aspects of travel and looking after the kids?
  2. If you want to continue with the holiday, it's obviously been booked for two adults and the kids. You'll need to contact the holiday company and see how flexible they are about changing the booking.
  3. Will you be able to afford any spending money you need?

If you think it won't stress you too much, I think it would be good to carry on with the holiday. You and the kids will have something to look forward to until June, they'll undoubtedly have a good time, and you'll have proved to everybody how capable you are (should anyone need proof).

Depending on their relationship with him, you may have to be prepared for the kids saying they miss their dad being away with them. (Of course, he may be one of those men who are miserable gits on holiday, in which case they won't.) But if it's likely, you can have a speech prepared, and at least on holiday there'll be plenty of diversionary activities / treats.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 09/02/2012 07:14

So sorry you are going through this.

Another one here who is more or less out on the other side.

You sound to me like you are doing exactly the right things and taking control.

I was told to take one practical and one emotional step each day. It works.

I'm not sure about freezing accounts. I think it depends upon circumstances really. I just separated our finances swiftly (so he could not sponge off me any longer).

Telling the kids will seem awful but it's a relief once it's done also.

From what you say I would assume that OW is in the background.

Keep posting.

BelleDameSansMerci · 09/02/2012 07:22
Sad

So sorry you're going through this. I'm in a not dissimilar place. Please try not to sort everything out in your head in one day. Decisions about the holiday, for example, can wait (although you could probably take a friend instead of H). Be kind to yourself and just take the days as they come for now.

{{hug}}

ledkr · 09/02/2012 09:45

bellie My dh cheated and for a while i thought we could stay together but it all seemed too hard and i decided to go it alone.Im betting the last year hasnt been easy for you,all the self doubt and distrust.I think that splitting up maybe the better option and you will see that quite soon.I didnt want to spend my life wondering if he would do it again or wondering if i was pretty/slim enough to please him.
As for the travelling,id say that the single most important thing i did was go on holiday to spain wth the children on my own.I was sooo proud of myself and enjoyed it so much. It also gave the children confidence that iwe would be ok.
If you want ill give you my tips for travelling alone with kids.

Original poster
Bellie · 09/02/2012 17:30

Day 2 and still here!
Seen a solicitor so know a little what to expect, but also feel like I have information overload! Will try and work through it over the next few days.

Need to be out of the house tomorrow as he is packing his stuff. Do I empty the washing basket and give him his dirty stuff?

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Original poster
Bellie · 09/02/2012 17:31

ledkr - travel tips would be great - coming down on the side of going it alone! Scared!

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Lueji · 09/02/2012 19:16

Make sure there is a list of what he is allowed to take or not.
Also make sure to have copies of important documents, such as financial, etc, or take originals with you.

I have virtually always travelled with DS alone. Your 7 year old should be fairly easy and help with the 3 year old.

JuliaScurr · 09/02/2012 19:32

Have a look at 'mangled heart' in Chat
Get out your Gloria cd

Original poster
Bellie · 09/02/2012 22:27

surreal night. Sat here with diaries working out weekends that he will have the kids and weekends I will :(. He is only taking clothes and personal stuff as will be in a hotel room.
I have the passports and financial documents.

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Original poster
Bellie · 10/02/2012 20:15

That's it.

We've told the kids. DD cried and hugged daddy, not me Sad. ds didn't get it at all but then he is only 3.
He has sorted out a rental place from next week and staying in hotel until then.
Where did it all go so wrong that he broke my dd's little heart this evening? and then drove off without a second glance?

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MadAboutHotChoc · 10/02/2012 20:19

Here's a hug from here for you ...sounds like you are dealing with a lot of crap Sad

Lueji · 10/02/2012 20:24

Don't feel bad, DD hugged daddy because he was leaving and she was losing him, effectively.

Not a reflection on you. She's 7 and probably doesn't realise how you feel in this.

Hugs.
At least there are no secrets now. Your children will be ok.

Original poster
Bellie · 10/02/2012 21:37

you're right she's such a Daddy's girl. It was just the way her little face crumpled that made my heart break again.

Half term so plenty of time to cuddle her and ds and hold them tight to me.

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wantingmore · 10/02/2012 21:44

dont have any experience with this but just wanted to say i really feel for you and your dd and ds. i am thinking of you and sending hugs.

Original poster
Bellie · 10/02/2012 22:31

Thank you.

Alll of the thoughts from you all are very much appreciated x

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