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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well it seems it was all MY fault!!!

38 replies

LiarsWife · 08/02/2012 08:35

My STBXH had an affair and apparently if I'd been 'a better wife' then it wouldn't have happened

Do they ever take ANY responsibility for their own actions???

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 08/02/2012 08:55

Of course it was all your fault.

Thank GOD you're it in a relationship with that tool anymore.

oldwomaninashoe · 08/02/2012 09:01

Of course it was your fault!
(Did he tell you exactly how much you were underperforming or were your mind reading skills lacking?).

How dare you not realise you were not being a good enough wife!
What do you expect him to do in the circumstances??
You can harly blame him can you?

reddevildad · 08/02/2012 09:04

Of course it was your fault.

You should have kicked him out far sooner, and then he would have been a single man when he started up with the other woman.

Original poster
LiarsWife · 08/02/2012 09:07

I agree and his girlfriend doesn't know what she is letting herself in for!

He reneged on his promise of paying the bills in January .. 'Promises smomishes' was his response when I pointed out he promised to pay that .. that was just a verbal agreement apparently!!

OP posts:
chocoraisin · 08/02/2012 09:08

it's ALWAYS our fault. Otherwise how can he carry on feeling vindicated/justified and frankly entitled to screw you over?

Just remember, you haven't shat all over your marriage - he has. And when it all unravels later on, the realisation that he can't actually blame you any more will hit him like a tonne of bricks. And you won't have to clear up the mess. That's the OW's job now, so he can cry to her later on.

BTW I am so sorry - it's a terrible shock and I hope you're ok, I know exactly how you feel sadly. Talk/vent anytime.

Original poster
LiarsWife · 08/02/2012 09:10

Apparently I am uncaring and passionless

I cared about the man I met .. not the grumpy moody git that he turned out to really be - the one who didn't like me to initiate sex or actually touch any part of his body except for his c0ck .. the one who criticised the way I performed oral sex because I didn't like my mouth being treated like another hole to be rammed hard!

OP posts:
Original poster
LiarsWife · 08/02/2012 09:14

Hi Choco - how are you? I've been watching your thread

Yes this is how he can justify his behaviour to himself .. I didn't react to it at all - I just said 'fine' or 'whatever' to everything he said

OP posts:
chocoraisin · 08/02/2012 09:27

I'm ok thanks, getting by! Chocolate orange for breakfast has helped today Grin I'm also ack at work which is kind of nice actually! It's been so helpful to have a place to vent on here for a while - it's made my evenings especially less lonely.

FWIW I read some things on the SurvivingInfidelity forums (google it and it'll come up) that really helped me to understand why H has been so incredibly weird and unpleasant... if you feel up to it, maybe have a look at the library on there, it might help shed some light. Basically in order to get into the headspace where an affair is 'ok' with your H he's had to tell himself all kinds of lies about how your marriage was dead in the water anyway, you don't really care about him, you weren't interested in his needs... blah fucking blah I know.

When he starts spouting off at you, they suggest trying to remember that he's really just desperate to see you validate his version of your life, so he doesn't have to acknowledge that yep, that is guilt creeping in. You are totally right not to give it the time of day and ignore it completely. At some point (although it may be years from now :( ) he will realise that he was a total prick. I'm so sorry you're going through it too x

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 08/02/2012 09:50

Brilliant response!

'Yeah, yeah, whatever, you're sooo right... Are you feeling validated yet? A teensy bit better about your tiny little self? Yes? Can I go now?'

Grin

Promises eh? Well I'm sure you'll store that one up. One day he'll need a favour from you... and he can go whistle.

Congratulations on shedding 12st of walking talking horseshit from your life! :)

Downunderdolly · 08/02/2012 09:58

Chocoraisin

So sorry this has happened - it happened to me too 18 months ago. Like the site you mentioned, I came across a website based on a psychologists study women who had suddenly been left. The author came up with 10 common behaviours - I nearly fell off my chair when I read it as ALL of them are 100% applicable for me and helped me understand that my situation wasn't unique and I wasn't insane for not seeing it coming:

  1. Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.
  1. The husband had never indicated that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.
  1. By the time he reveals his feelings to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and the husband moves out quickly.
  1. The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.
  1. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.
  1. The husband?s behavior changes radically, feeling to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.
  1. The husband exhibits no remorse; rather, anger is directed toward his wife and he may describe himself as the victim.
  1. In most cases, the husband is having an affair and moves in directly with his girlfriend.
  1. The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been extinguished.
  1. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband redefines what had previously been an agreed-upon view of the couple's joint history.

I'm listing them as it really helped me come to terms with things. Good luck darling

Millenniumbug1 · 08/02/2012 09:58

So sorry OP. Of course he'll try to blame you, you're his scapegoat for his own failings and behaviour. You can't understand his behaviour because you loved him and you trusted him. Like people do when they're married. He's the one who's broken the rules, who hasn't kept to his vows, now he's blaming you. The character flaw is his, not yours. You try to be true to yourself, this selfish doesn't deserve you anymore - one day it will dawn on him what he's lost.

OffMeTrolley · 08/02/2012 09:59

Nothing is ever black and white, there are usually faults on both sides

Millenniumbug1 · 08/02/2012 10:01

So sorry OP. Of course he'll try to blame you, you're his scapegoat for his own failings and behaviour. You can't understand his behaviour because you loved him and you trusted him. Like people do when they're married. He's the one who's broken the rules, who hasn't kept to his vows, now he's blaming you. The character flaw is his, not yours. You try to be true to yourself, this selfish doesn't deserve you anymore - one day it will dawn on him what he's lost.

Millenniumbug1 · 08/02/2012 10:01

So sorry OP. Of course he'll try to blame you, you're his scapegoat for his own failings and behaviour. You can't understand his behaviour because you loved him and you trusted him. Like people do when they're married. He's the one who's broken the rules, who hasn't kept to his vows, now he's blaming you. The character flaw is his, not yours. You try to be true to yourself, this selfish doesn't deserve you anymore - one day it will dawn on him what he's lost.

pennypencil · 08/02/2012 12:04

downunderdolly I am Shock as that exactly describes my situation too.

sorry for you OP, been there and get it - just ignore his stupid comments, trying to justify lying/deception which isn't justfiable. It's bad enough cheating on someone, but trying to blame them for it afterwards is just low and cowardly.

Happylander · 08/02/2012 13:10

So sorry. downunderdolly that is exactly what has happened to me. Thank you for posting it.

I have now made the decision to not speak at all to ex as it always turns nasty with him blaming me. Going to take a leaf out of chocoraisin book and not get lured into slanging matches and behave with a bit more self respect from now on.

Original poster
LiarsWife · 08/02/2012 15:25

OffMeTrolley Of course there are - but I didn't go and shag someone else I went to counselling to try and get it sorted!

OP posts:
springaroundthecorner · 08/02/2012 15:40

Oh "Liarswife", me too. Sad I was secretly going to counselling on my own because he refused because he was "too busy". (off living a double life as it turns out). I was trying to work out how to have a better relationship with him.

I would like to hear from someone whose ex actually has admitted he made a mistake or was sorry in the end. Everyone tells you "he will live to regret it/realise what he has lost etc". But do they every really do that or do they just change the reality forever as in 9 and 10 above?

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 08/02/2012 15:50

'Everyone tells you "he will live to regret it/realise what he has lost etc". But do they every really do that or do they just change the reality forever as in 9 and 10 above?'

I would think that most of them regret it bitterly... but would die rather than admit that to the partner they betrayed!

It's rare that a relationship built on deceit and dishonesty can pan out positively - both know what the other is capable of and trust is compromised from the start. Plus, the baggage...

Most 'OW/OM' relationships fail fairly quickly it seems.

Even if the new relationship survives, or when the betrayer moves on to another relationship, their view of themselves has changed, deep down.

Nothing can ever have that innocent hopefulness ever again.

I think only the strangest, most sociopathic person can truly never have a regret about becoming 'the kind of person who has an affair'.

Even if they spend most of the time justifying and arguing themselves out of believing themselves to be that person.

But, to the one they left... oh no! My life is wonderful. It was your fault. Our marriage was always a sham. Etc. etc.

Lving well, moving on, refusing to engage in any way with the betrayer's commentary on the situation...just showing in every action that they are now better off without them... that's truly the way to get revenge.

pennypencil · 08/02/2012 16:46

I agree that is best way to move on. Best revenge is to live well etc.

FWIW my exh regrets it I think and (couple of years later, post divorce) apologised. He would probably like to occasionally suggest it was my fault depending on his prevailing mood but only the two of us will ever know what went on in our marriage and he knows what he did and how appallingly he treated me and how quickly and suddenly he turned. I feel Sad particularly that dcs as well as me will always have to live with the consequences.

He's not with OW and is no happier than he ever was, only now he can't blame that on me. Very sad really, such a waste. I get no satisfaction from him regretting it because it's too late - he wrecked our family life and that was something precious which has gone now.

Happylander · 08/02/2012 16:52

How do you stop yourself being bitter though? I am struggling with this and to live well. I have no money at all for me and only enough for basics for DS while he is out all the time, buying new clothes and weekends away with OW.

I am angry so much of the time I am finding it hard to be happy especially when, like the OP, he blames me.

historyrepeats · 08/02/2012 16:57

You should have puked on his cock. Grin

springaroundthecorner · 08/02/2012 17:06

My stbx seems to devote his entire energy as does the OW in to trying to screw me over. How happy that must make them. Hmm At least you dont have that now penny even though it is still sad.

I would like to get to the situation one day where my children can get married and have both their parents attend with no animosity but I cant see that happening. He hates me and I hate being hated.

fiventhree · 08/02/2012 17:42

historyrepeats, my sister actually did that to a man!

DatingMinefield · 08/02/2012 18:23

Been there. Apparently I wasn't the woman he married, I had let myself go and I was the fattest I'd ever been. All bollocks. Hurtful at the time, but complete bollocks.

It's all just a smokescreen for guilt and projecting their faults onto you. Like someone else said up there, it's true - the best revenge is being happy and moving on.

I indulged in a bit of bitterness at first, but it was at the fact I'd invested a long time and a lot of effort in the relationship, just to be let down by such a clearly flawed individual. Move on and be happy.