Well it seems it was all MY fault!!!

[LiarsWife]

My STBXH had an affair and apparently if I'd been 'a better wife' then it wouldn't have happened

Do they ever take ANY responsibility for their own actions???

a fab friend of mine told me resentment is like taking poison, then waiting for the other person to die... madness. Being bitter only hurts yourself, and hard as it is to let it go, it helps me to remember that I'm not forgiving him for his benefit. I'm doing it for mine. Also, forgiving doesn't mean the same thing as accepting or allowing, or letting him come home. All it means is that you let go of the pain - I'll never let him treat me badly again, but nor will I give up my future happiness as well!! He's had enough emotion from me.

PS my FIL announced that my XHs affair was a direct result of me being a disappointing wife particularly stupid and hurtful, given that I was never married to him! Whatever. He can 'side' with his faithless son, and he's a very bitter man... 3 failed marriages behind him. And he never learned to let go. I take that as a lesson to me to rise above it!!

Lots of good stuff in here, however hard it is to do it.
Perhaps a post on how to survive post-betrayal and collapse of relationship for whatever reason would be good?

spring that's true and does make it easier I think. Remember though, when he's saying all that nasty stuff it's about him not you, and parts of himself he doesn't like. Someone recommended a book on here called sudden endings, which was excellent and explained all this.

chocoraisin that is from your FIL what a shit. At least you get rid of him from your life as well as xh.

It's really hard to pick yourself up but remember it can be done and you'll get there in the end. Yes exh may have more money and freedom but they're missing out on dcs and that's what's truly precious in the long run. Remember most of these OW scenarios don't end up working out. If you are able to even pretend to mentally let him go and just wish him and OW 'well' they will be like and will have to direct all their shit elsewhere. Remember that all fortunes change, this too will pass, they will have their shit periods and by that time you will be swanning off doing something good withtoyboy

I found getting lots of info about why people have affairs helpful, as well as counselling and books like the divorce recovery workbook. And MN of course

choco Sending you a hug .. sorry your FIL is being like that

hugs back hon x

Thats rotten Choco but hope Penny's bit about the toyboy made you laugh like it did me! or at least smile.....

I dont have a FIL but MIL said to me it takes two and that she knew I had been and I quote "having sex with another man too!" Total and utter fabrication. Couldnt stand the woman anyway so now I have proper reasons not to facilitate a relationship between her and her GC or ever have anything to do with her for that matter. Over to you stbx!

97% of these magical, beautiful, worth-throwing-everyone-under-the-bus-for, beautiful, beautiful, fail.

Because they are not about love, but the heady drugs of infatuation. They are based on fantasy and not reality.

The hardest thing about infidelity and abandonment is that it is so cruel and UNFAIR. But that is what it is, and that is hard sh*t to swallow.
Regarding bitterness, I have heard it is deferred mourning.

Do you know, the best revenge is letting OW have them. It really is. See 97% failure rate statistic, above. Inevitable for such selfishness and betrayal, really.

Regarding regret, my H bitterly regrets. It took this for him to face that I wasn't the reason for his unhappiness, the hole lay in him, and he is now in the IC that I like a good little co dependent, have been urging him to have since the 1990s.

He tried very hard to make it up to me.
But like Penny says the bitter regret and sorrow (he also mourns what we once had) just does not overcome what was done and cannot be undone, the loss of innocence, the awakening to serious flaws, the loss of trust, the inappropriate awareness of the children (they KNOW) the trashing of something (a family unit) that was precious.

AND FOR WHAT!?

It is so huge (Frank Pittman: 'the sacrifice of so much, for so little') that I really struggle to get my head round it.

PS Frank Pittman is a psychiatrist who started off being amused by the antic, close shaves and tremendous drama in his cheating clients, then started noticing it was ALWAYS the wife who was the client/OW villain, and his sense of fairness made him look deeper, and he is now an infidelity specialist.

As well as 'Adultery: the sacrifice of so much, for so little' he also believes that adultery is not about the marriage, but 'the ego state of the individual' (cheating).

He wrote a book for men called GROW UP! How taking responsibility makes you a happier human being.

I doubt it has sold in millions and is into its 10th print run....

Thanks Abitwobbly I found a great article in the Daily Mail from a few years back which talked about why most of these relationships fail - it cheered me up no end!

www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-392312/Can-mistress-successful-wife.html

The way I see it when I am getting my life turned around (hopefully by the end of the year) his 'fairytale romance' will becoming more like RL and the butterflies in his tummy will have flown .. and he is going to come back down to earth with a bump!

and his OW is going to see his true side .. the grumpy, moddy lying git that he pretended not to be before we were married :o

liarswife just read that article so thanks. Made me feel better.

1. Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

1. The husband had never indicated that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.

1. By the time he reveals his feelings to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and the husband moves out quickly.

1. The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

1. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

1. The husband?s behavior changes radically, feeling to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.

1. The husband exhibits no remorse; rather, anger is directed toward his wife and he may describe himself as the victim.

1. In most cases, the husband is having an affair and moves in directly with his girlfriend.

1. The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been extinguished.

10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband redefines what had previously been an agreed-upon view of the couple's joint history.

Chris Huhne, anyone??? Apparently he told his wife at half time during the footy, then scribbled out a statement to the press, and went to the gym! Nice.

"and his OW is going to see his true side .. the grumpy, moody lying git that he pretended not to be before we were married"

Oh liars wife that is my feeling exactly. We will be just going into a really good phase ourselves when that starts happening to them.

I read about the Chris Huhne thing when using the Sunday papers for lighting the fire this morning. She has really got him hasnt she? I bet she couldnt give a monkey's what happens to her charges in court. She has ruined his policital career. We dont need to bother taking revenge (other than living well of course) when we can enjoy the tales of those in public life.....