Is it really over?

[IDontThinkSoDoYOU]

I think the time has come to ask random strangers for an outside view.

Background, married nearly 5 years, I have children, he didn't. I thought we had done it all correctly ie getting to know him etc etc before involving the children. Been together 10 years now altogether.

About 2 years ago I started losing him. He became withdrawn. I tried to find out what was wrong but he didn't want to tell me. Still won't really talk to me.

We are now at the point where he can't even be in the same room as us. He drinks every night and sits in another room on his laptop/phone/anything. I can't get a word out of him without saying one first. He is indifferent and cold to how I might feel. He has told me I have nothing interesting to say regarding my work and withholds his help.

I have 2 jobs. We are in financial difficulty and on a debt management plan. I had no idea he couldn't manage his credit cards and have realised he is foolish with finances. He doesn't seem to see any future, only lives for the here and now. We remortgaged to pay off one debt but he ran up another without telling me. I guess I am just as much to blame for not taking control of it sooner.

He has something very precious to him that he could sell which would get rid of our debt but refuses to. I have actually accepted this. No point flogging a dead horse and we are managing....just.

He tells me he is bored, he wants more money to spend, he feels trapped, I don't pay him enough attention (if he would help me do some of the things he could actually help me with then I would have more time - maybe I'd spend it with him but right now, probably not) now I am reading this back he sounds like a fuckwit that I'd be better off without.

I haven't fallen out of love with him yet but I cannot carry on like this. No conversation, no sex, no touching, no affection.

I have tried so hard so many times to get him to talk to me but he doesn't want to. I am quite sure he isn't seeing anybody else.

I have wondered if he is depressed. He has always been a bit melancholy but the last 2 years have been dreadful. Every time I say anything, he just basically agrees with me but then does nothing.

Could he be depressed? Or is he just staying because it's easier than doing anything else? All he has to do is go to work, I take care of everything else.

I don't know anymore. I think my life would be better without him but if he is depressed I would like to help him and get our old life back. I don't think I have done anything to make him treat me the way he does. I hate it and becoming angry now which isn't helping.

Yes I know it's long. Thanks if you got to the end. I might not be back til later but thought would be appreciated.

I don't think he's depressed.

I do think he is alcohol dependent and I do think it's possible he's having an affair.

I should add that I have asked if he would like to separate. He says probably and it's just prolonging the inevitable but hasn't done it yet and hasn't made any plans to do so. It's like being stuck in limbo.

Thank you for your input charbon. I do realise he has an issue with drink. He says it is a crutch but doesn't want to do anything about it. I suppose I can't be sure about an affair, you never know really.

Sorry just the normal advice: get some legal advice, especially about how much of his debt you are responsible for. Find out all financial details etc.

It sounds as if he is less use to you than a lodger, right now.

wow he sounds lovely, what are his redeeming traits? Your OP makes him sound like an overgrown child. Blaming you is particularly off.

A bat, he was once truly lovely, truly. He was once kind and happy. He isn't anymore and I don't know why. It's hard to think that he has fallen out of love with me but I think that's what I am facing. He is extremely reticent to take charge of things and I am sure he would prefer this decision to be made by me. I can't help thinking this is because he doesn't want to look bad.

I don't know if he's depressed, but if he thought about it, would he go and get some help, a referral from his gp? Has he got the motivation to give himself a kick up the arse, iyswim? Does he want to fix things between you both, do you think?

Have you ever told him he needs to sort himself out, or words to that effect, and what's his reaction?

I did put it to him and he said probably. Standard vague answer. I don't think he would go to the gp. He has no friends to talk to. He doesn't want to do anything about the situation. He has told me he can't make the effort in our relationship unless he is sure it will work which is just confusing. He seems to want to make me do all the work here too but I can't.

Yes I believe you when you say he was once lovely, which is why I suggested an affair.

Think back to when this started. You were very specific in your OP when you said that 2 years ago you felt you started to lose him. What was happening around that time? Was there a new job role, new colleague, sudden interest in being on his PC a lot, new hobby? Did he used to mention someone a lot and then he stopped doing so? If his debt suddenly got out of control, what was he spending his money on? What's his behaviour like with his phone? What does he browse on his laptop? Does he have any favourite usernames that you could google?

He became sick 2 years ago. He was off work for almost 6 months and then went back and not long after, was sick again and needed an operation which has worked. It was difficult enough then to get him to see the gp.

His Internet stuff is all about his hobby.

I disagree with Charbon. I think he could be depressed. The apathy you describe is a sign on depression and as is the lack of interest in sex etc Alcohol and depression are best friends too and they feed off eachother, so it's sometimes hard to know which one the real culprit is. In your DH's case, i would suggest both.

The thing is though, at the risk of sounding cold, unless he is prepared to try and do something about it - see a GP, force himself to leave his current comfort zone in any way - it's impossible for you. And it can be a long and lonely existence waiting for him to reach the point where he is prepared to seek help or help himself.

And me might not. Ever

I think you need to tell him that still love him and that you are still hopeful for your marriage but that this can't continue and that you believe he has depression and/or alcohol issues. Tell him you believe things can be better and you want to support him but he has to give you a reason to stick around.

And all the money went on his hobby too.

Slightly jaded, I feel slightly jaded!

He is away for a week now with work. I am going to tell him your suggestion when he comes back.

He also quite often sleeps in his clothes and goes to work in them as well. I have spoken to him about that and told him that's not right but he says it doesn't matter because it was only for a few hours...

Well he won't get a depression diagnosis and treatment unless he sees a GP.

You won't get an affair diagnosis unless you start digging.

He won't stop drinking until he admits he's an alcoholic.

And you can't solve this problem one-handed. If he doesn't want to even try to make things worse, your options are running out aren't they?

Must be having a bad effect on the children, as well as you.

Yes charbon, my options are running out. I think my only thing is to tell him he needs to see the gp or he needs to go. I would rather have a diagnosis of depression because then at least I know what I am dealing with and that there is help.

The kids are becoming indifferent to him too. Thats hard to watch but they don't bother to say goodnight to him anymore even.

I am really convinced that there is depression at play here.

The best thing you can do is make it clear that you love him/want to help him/will support him, but only if he is able to try and help himself.

You can't live a half-life with him drifting about like a shadow.

Men still struggle with the stigma of depression, and i think you need to make him feel that it is a viable illness (but not a long term excuse IFSWIM)

It might be worth getting some info in alcohol/depression ready for when he gets back. Perhaps if he recognises specific symptoms (i.e inability to focus/concentrate/lack of interest in everyday life/tiredness etc) he might feel more inclined to see a GP.

Keep posting if it helps. I feel for you, It's a lonely place

So what has he got that he wont sell?

Im confused - he has a job right?

As for the affair - do you know where he is in the day? does he come home every night?

Deep breaths, and remain calm

Big hugs

Having been through a very similar situation with my partner, I think it is very likely that depression could be the cause, I read your post to my DP asking if he agreed, and his reply was "yes it sounds like he is depressed, OR he just doesn't want to be there."
If it is depression, and he gets help, then things can get better, but if he will not help himself, then things will just get worse and i woud suggest that you consider separating for the wellbeing of yourself and your children.

I could actually cry...

Ok, I will then. I needed those hugs and I might need to keep posting.

I have some lovely friends but they don't know the extent of this. I am trying to protect what people think of him.

Sorry I missed a few questions must be the cloudy eyes!

Yes he has a job. His hobby is fairly common but i feel he has become obsessed with it. It's just a prize now to look at. He says if he gets rid of it, it will be the last thing that is solely for his enjoyment gone.

That's normal IDon't - we always want to protect the people we love. But it's not always the best thing.

Often by allowing the secrecy to continue, you are just enabling the behaviour. I think you should talk to close friends and family - alcohol and depression problems are complicated and soul-destroying and you should not have to tackle it all by yourself.

You don't have to tell all and sundry but a couple of close friends/family members to confide in, will help you and just as importantly, show your DH that you are not going to keep tiptoeing round the situation.

Have to run now OP, but will check back later

I think you do need to confide in someone, you can't do this all by yourself.

Don't make the mistake of thinking this is an 'either/or' issue.

In fact there is a link between all three. Depressed people will often take refuge in artificial 'highs' like alcohol, drugs, gambling and infidelity.

This hobby of his seems to be all-consuming. Do you know all of the people he engages with while pursuing it? It also sounds as though it's draining your family budget, which is selfish.

Something needs to change; if he won't then you might have to. The children's reactions to him now show how much this is affecting them.

I do know his companions in his hobby. It's my hobby too but I don't take it to the extremes he has.

I have a week to think about it all and then approach him. My parents are staying with me and are wondering what's up. They don't know the half of it, especially the money.

I really appreciate how gentle you have all been. Thank you.

Can you talk to your parents? Not always the solution, but maybe as they are wondering? -They may be worried about you and trying to think of ways to bring it up with you, you never know.