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Original poster

So, do I tell her or not?

43 replies

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:11

Wine has been taken so I hope this makes sense...

Long story which I won't go into here but basically am splitting up with DD's father - been "together" for eight years (never lived together - DD is 4) because, primarily, of OW. OW is symptom not cause but not great situation either way. Anyway, I found out about OW in September. He'd first shagged her a year before but nothing serious until about May of last year. She knew nothing about me or DD until after I'd found out about her and "made" him tell her. She still doesn't know the whole story - he's let her believe we finished in May.

Basically, he's been dithering between the two of us since September but I finally put a halt to this before Christmas.

Now, it turns out, that she is moving right across the country and they are moving in together. If it were just her, I would just think "oh get on with it" but it isn't. She has a son of (approx) nine years old from a previous relationship so she will be taking him out of school and away from friends etc (of course, I don't know this - he may hate his school and want to leave for all I know) to start all over again.

So, do I tell her that he has not been as completely committed to her as it would appear? And that he has been lying to her all along or do I just leave it? And if I do tell her, what are my motives? I like to think it's because of her son but it may not be. I may just be being vindictive.

I have asked my ex to tell her the truth; to give her the chance to make a decision based on all the facts; but I don't think he will.

I also think that even if did tell her, it would make no difference. I think she will believe that she is more special, etc.

Perhaps I would retain more dignity by simply not getting involved. What do you think?

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 06/02/2012 23:14

I'd tell her, she didn't know about you, so it's not like she's done anything horrible to you and she deserves to know what kind of an asswipe she's uprooting her life for.

GingerSnapsBack · 06/02/2012 23:16

Rise above it belle you're clearly better than that. If she wants to waste her life and uproot her son for him let her. She'll soon learn

Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:17

That's kind of what I think. I feel sorry for her. I actually told him to "behave like a decent human being".

I'm so angry with him though that I may not be seeing straight.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 06/02/2012 23:17

How do you know what he's told her? Do you only have his word or are you in direct contact with her?

cobwebthegrey · 06/02/2012 23:17

Hmm, it's a tough one, because if you tell her she is going to be disinclined to believe you, you are after all 'the ex'. If your ex follows true to form he has probably fed her a load of old bullshit about you being, if not psycho, then at the least not great....you telling her this, however tactfully, can be so easily manipulated by him that. I'm not sire it would do you or her any favours?

Hattytown · 06/02/2012 23:21

What were his relationships before you two got together Belle? Is there any history of overlapping and treating women badly?

Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:22

Izzy, you're right. I don't know. I'm assuming he's telling the truth but his track record is clearly not great...

I doubt I'll tell her. I'm not sure I want to be directly exposed to her, tbh. I'm cross enough that he's dragged all this into my life without actually speaking to her. It's her boy though Sad but he's her son, not mine.

Pants.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:24

Hatty - much overlapping. I thought I was "more special"...

OP posts:
Hattytown · 06/02/2012 23:26

So how would you have reacted if your predecessor had tried to put you wise Belle?

Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:30

I wouldn't have wanted to hear it... Which is, of course, my answer. Smile

It's the hoping to save someone else all the pain, isn't it?

And, rant, rant, he's just texted saying he wishes he wasn't such a useless shit and is sorry. I am ignoring him so have not sent one back saying "so don't be then".

Grrrrrrrrrrr. I'm hurt but well bloody shot.

OP posts:
Hattytown · 06/02/2012 23:37

Well she might be different Belle. Who knows what her life experiences have been? She might have been cheated on herself and would take a very dim view of a man with this track record - and I can't imagine he's been honest about it.

Sometimes it takes bitter experience to understand that it's never about the woman or the quality of the relationship, some people will never grow out of wanting to find replacements. I hope you see it like that now and don't feel in any way inferior to this woman. It just sounds like this is what he does after a few years.

If you did approach her, it would obviously get back to him. Would that negatively affect the co-parenting relationship you've got with him, or do you see that petering out if he's going to live miles away?

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2012 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 06/02/2012 23:43

Oh Belle what an awful situation to be in! I wouldn't bother telling her tbh...it sounds like she's blind anyway. Which you are obviously not.
Well done for ignoring his text...which is only to make him feel better or to try and make you justfy his actions somehow....by making you have a go at him so he can then say "Ah...I made the right choice!"

Give him NOTHING. You and DD are stunning...he's lost. His OW has probably agreed to up sticks for a liar. And I feel for her son...but not really.

Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:44

He won't be miles away - she'd be relocating to near(ish) to us. I'd tell him I'd done it. He knows I'm angry about how he's treating both of us. I suspect I am transferring my anger onto his treatment of her. I think I'm really angry about his treatment of me and DD but find it very difficult to accept that he has treated us so badly and with such disdain. I have problems with believing I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect so am trivialising what he's done to me, I think.

Bugger, I have much to think about and work out.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:47

TSC - I know... Sad. I'm not angry with her. I'm jealous - I've been traded in for a younger model - but it's not her, it's him the twat.

Chas - thank you.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 06/02/2012 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LauraIngallsPalmer · 06/02/2012 23:50

Tell her, but don't expect her to trust you. Good to be honest - will probably feel better for you; but understand that it may have the adverse affect on her.

Hate to admit it but (many of us) 2nd wives/partners are quite suspicious of what the firsts have to say. However, it is 100% in our interest to at least listen!

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2012 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tryharder · 06/02/2012 23:54

Don't bother telling her - he will just convince her you're lying and trying to split them up.

What goes around, comes around etc etc. He's done you a favour. You can now move on and meet someone who isn't a "useless shit" Smile

Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:54

I could read his bumps. With a chainsaw. Grin. Thank you though - you made me smile.

As you can probably tell, I am ok. I'm not sitting here crying or anything. Starting to get a headache from the wine and must go to sleep but that is all. I'm finally in the angry stage - it's taken bloody long enough!

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:55

Oh, and TSC, love ya too - but you know that!

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2012 23:57

Thank you all. It's helpful to just get it all out and to try to rationalise where I am with it. Must go to sleep now - have a meeting in the morning where I at least need to appear alert...

OP posts:
LauraIngallsPalmer · 06/02/2012 23:58

Just to be clear - I could NEVER be with anyone who had cheated on his family or lied in any way to be with me. (Not all 2nd wives/partners are the result of affairs!)

Like I suggested, you should tell her the truth - but don't expect her to understand immediately. Especially if your DD's dad has lied to great length about the situation.

Hattytown · 06/02/2012 23:59

Oh I see. Well then yes I think I'd tell her. And you're right. It's not her. It's not you. It's him.

Wouldn't it be great if they taught us at school that people who do this will never change until they run out of opportunities (or steam Wink) and that it makes absolutely no difference how wonderful, how beautiful or how special the woman, there will always come a point when she's not new anymore. Nowt you could have done about it Belle, but the new woman might just see the light and there's no harm in trying? Dont worry about your motives either, it's okay to want to cause him some grief you know! Grin

Jux · 07/02/2012 00:08

If you do tell her, you run the risk of her moving without him, in which case he's likely to turn up at yours with cock akimbo begging for another chance.

Are you more likely to regret telling her than not telling her?

If he moved with her, how would you arrange contact? Who would do the driving?

How would it affect the dcs if their dad moved a long way away? How much do they see him now?

Do you really want to bear the responsibility of breaking their relationship and the consequences thereof - ex being furious with you or thoroughly woebegone, and so on?

Lots of questions aside from your motives, which are most likely to be mixed; part altruism, part vengeful (not that I blame you).

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