So, do I tell her or not?

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Wine has been taken so I hope this makes sense...

Long story which I won't go into here but basically am splitting up with DD's father - been "together" for eight years (never lived together - DD is 4) because, primarily, of OW. OW is symptom not cause but not great situation either way. Anyway, I found out about OW in September. He'd first shagged her a year before but nothing serious until about May of last year. She knew nothing about me or DD until after I'd found out about her and "made" him tell her. She still doesn't know the whole story - he's let her believe we finished in May.

Basically, he's been dithering between the two of us since September but I finally put a halt to this before Christmas.

Now, it turns out, that she is moving right across the country and they are moving in together. If it were just her, I would just think "oh get on with it" but it isn't. She has a son of (approx) nine years old from a previous relationship so she will be taking him out of school and away from friends etc (of course, I don't know this - he may hate his school and want to leave for all I know) to start all over again.

So, do I tell her that he has not been as completely committed to her as it would appear? And that he has been lying to her all along or do I just leave it? And if I do tell her, what are my motives? I like to think it's because of her son but it may not be. I may just be being vindictive.

I have asked my ex to tell her the truth; to give her the chance to make a decision based on all the facts; but I don't think he will.

I also think that even if did tell her, it would make no difference. I think she will believe that she is more special, etc.

Perhaps I would retain more dignity by simply not getting involved. What do you think?

Tell her calmly and tell her your motives for telling her as you've explained here. Odds are she won't believe you but you leave with a clear conscience. If you don't she could back at your door in a few years giving you a row for being on the scene when she was making this big life decision for her and her DS. As you keep saying, she is blameless in this as she knew nothing of you and DD. She can only ignore you (at her peril).

X-posted with lots of people! There were only 2 answers when I started typing !! Ignore me.

Belle, I'm sorry you've been treated so badly.

It seems to me that as he could have told her anything - or nothing - about his relationship with you, the only thing you can be sure of is that whatever he's told her will have been severely edited to reflect well on him.

In this case, 'to tell or not to tell' is an ethical dilemma but in order to remove the taint of any baser instinct (the ol' green-eyed monster), what we you hoping would be the eventual outcome of this relationship which has lasted longer than many marriages?

Until you 'put a halt' to it, you were together for 8 years and have a 4yr old dd but have never lived together. Was there a particular reason why you chose not to share a home before, during, or after you had dd?

If you chose not to pool resources and set up home together it may seem to others (i.e the OW) as if perhaps there wasn't a great deal of commitment on either side and that your common bonds are dd and a degree of self-interest.

Were you hoping to grow old together as semi or fully detached Darby & Joans? Were you entertaining notions of him dropping to one knee - or of you doing the same in this leap year - and sealing your union with at a trip to Gay Paree and a serious rock, if not a pre-nup?

Was he effectively playing away having his cake and eating it until you decided to take yourself off the plate? Is this the first time he's become involved with an OW or does he have a track record of dallying elsewhere/

Sorry about your situation.....

I would say and do nothing. Presuming that he is the one who never wanted to commit to the point of moving in with his child and mother of his child, then I think you can also presume that this woman is not the first.You only have it on his say-so that this relationship started when it did. As others have said, whatever he has told you will have been prettied up as will whatever he has told the other(s). The fact that he is moving in with her, might just mean he does want to make a proper go of it with someone. Whatever the situation, and whatever he has told her, it is still going to look like you are the wronged woman getting revenge if you contact her.

Yes I'd tell her. 6 months ago I took my DCS out of school and moved hundreds of miles for my Dh's job. It was not something I did lightly, my eldest was 9 at the time. I do think she is foolish even if sh thinks he is head over helas as they have only known each other a short while. more fool her

It will be more dignified to do nothing; you're correct.

But in this case, the right thing to do is to tell her for the sake of the other woman and her son. She may not know your STBXP too well yet, and the effort & stress of moving to be with a cheat will be huge. Give her the option of calling it off, or at least delaying the move.
It may be a difficult thing to do, and you risk being called all sorts of things, but in this case it's the moral course.

Even if you tell her, if he denies it, she can choose to believe you or him.
She'll probably think you are jealous and want to break them up and stand by him.

In fact, it would better come from someone she trusts.

I'm really torn. 'Dignity' is so often a euphemism for 'being powerless to do anything about a situation and so accepting it stoically'.

But realistically, what can you do? I know that my X had fed me such a story about his previous X that if she'd said anything to me it would have confirmed everything he'd said about her. It wasn't until I got the same treatment that I started to see her in a different light (five years later we are actually friends).

I had similar misgivings about my X when he started seeing new partners after our split. Part of me felt duty bound to warn them about his violence. He changed his girlfriends so often though that it would have become a full-time job and taken over my life, so for the sake of myself and my DC I had to choose to let it go and make it none of my business.

In your case it's a bit different because this isn't a short-term fling for her and she's uprooting her life on false pretences, but while it might be the sisterly thing to warn her, the problem isn't one you've made nor is it your responsibility to sort out.

I don't think there's a right or a wrong answer here TBH. I'm really sorry you've been treated so shoddily and I completely respect the way you are handling this. You clearly have integrity and for that reason alone, whichever way you decide to jump on this dilemma, you'll have made a good call that needs no justification to others.

I'm not a big fan of the 'dignity' line either.

But I wouldn't say anything. And here's why:

If he has a good relationship with your dd and lots of contact (and you don't suggest that he doesn't so I am presuming it's ok) then keep schtum simply to preserve that relationship (your daughter with her dad) .

After all his love life is not your problem anymore, OW's son is not your problem either.

Thanks everyone for posting. Was at all day meeting, had four drive home and just had four more hours of discussion with him. (He was here looking after DD while I was away).

I am no further forward although I am calmer. He has committed to telling her and agrees that he must be honest with her. At the moment, I am doing nothing further. I don't know what I will do longer term.

He does have a great relationship with DD and I will (I hope) do nothing to endanger that. I don't really believe that anything I did would mean he would stop seeing her but how many other women have thought that and been disappointed?

So, thank you again and now I must get some sleep. Thank you particularly for your kind and considered words. I do appreciate them.

Belle, many years ago I had a useless BF who played the same game (no dcs then though thank God). He told me he'd finished completely with his previous GF but he had somehow along the way forgotten to tell her. 3 years later of course he did the same to me and kept me stringing along while he sampled the delights of the next lucky lady in the queue.

Did the first GF wish she'd known the full story? Yes. (we ended up friends)
Would I wanted to have known when he was leading her along but seeing me? Yes
Did I wish I'd found out sooner when he did exactly the same thing to me? Yes

Whether it's your business or not I feel I kind of owe it to other women to let them know the truth

If it were me who were the OW, I would like you to tell me, I would like to know.

Thank you.

I'm going to wait and watch for a few days. It's too raw at the moment. I truly do not know what to do. I think I know what I should do.

I question the purity of your motives here. I really think that if, as you say, things are really over with your ex, what he does, who he is honest with, or not honest with, or how he treats any new women in his life is no longer anything to do with you.

I find it interesting that you have decided to take a position of sympathy for the other woman, whilst it appears on the surface to be noble, it would be less strange were you to simply be angry with her - as illogical as that still would be - and I think deep down you are being manipulated by the great green goddess of jealousy/or possibly wanting to get back at your ex/or even get him back passively instead of overtly (hoping she finally decides to end it)

I have been where you are, similar situation my non/relationship went on for 10 years and through experience, I don't believe that anyone invests time and energy for 8 years into any relationship no matter how losely committed it is, without forming some sort of quite irrational and strong emotional ties. And especially where children are involved. There is a connection there that remains, however mildly forever.

I say stay out of it, and concentrate on your own life and happiness through whatever direction that is.

Just my opinion (probably sound like a cow but not meaning to)

No, you don't. I'd typed a lot about not being sure of my motives and then changed my mind about posting it.

And I just typed a whole load more and deleted that too! It's a bloody mess but it's not my mess any more. I think I would want to know but I wouldn't want to hear it from me. I wouldn't have listened though. I thought I was "special". I wasn't.

I keep typing loads and deleting it. It's too revealing for here. I'm not trying to hide things. I just can't bear to publicise either my feelings or my stupidity.

Hey ho.

Belle, you are NOT stupid for finding yourself in this situation. The only person who has lied, cheated, and manipulated is your X. Place the blame where it belongs.

You are allowed to have changing emotions and to have less-than-pure motives because you are a human being not a perfect one. The fact that you are questioning your own motives and agonising over what to do makes you a great human being, not a weak or stupid one. Many people would not care about the OW, or would deliberately do harm. Even if your motives are complex, they are still well-intentioned and that's to your credit.

You will come through this. You know you will.

No, you are not stupid at all. That accolade goes to your ex, who is a prize twunt.

Leave it. She is old enough to make her own mistakes. He will only lie his way out of it anyway...