Please help me. I can't go on like this.

[detoxneedednow]

I know it sounds so dramatic, but i'm really struggling to see any good right now. This is why...

My dd is really hard to cope with for so many different reasons.
Me and dp really don't belong together, but i'm too afraid to leave.
We still live with my parents and i'm in my late 20's.
I have no career, no job, no money, no idea of what I want to do.
I am really struggling to come to terms with a family members past and it's just horrific.

The list goes on and on really.

Everything seems so hopeless again. I have already had a couple of glasses of wine and I was just going to keep going to be honest, but I thought i'd come on here instead. I can't talk to my friends or family about all this. They'd be shocked and wouldn't have a clue what to say.

I'm starting to feel old and pointless. I can't express how much love I have for my dd, family and close friends.

Why do I feel like this so much?..... I don't know how much more I can take. It's not just 1 or2 aspects of my life which need sorting, it's all of them. Where on earth do I start?............

First stop, your GP. I am not qualified but it sounds like you have symptoms of depression and having been there myself your GP is the best person to help. You may also be referred for counselling regarding your family members past.

When you are feeling well again, get down to the careers office and hunt out courses/qualifications in your area. Getting a job will help restore your confidence.

Are you able to rent for a bit or get on the council list? Having your own place will help to restore some sense of independence.

Good luck OP.

I know still being in my 20's i'm not old, but the way i'm feeling recently, I feel ancient. I can't remember the last time I was really happy. I have my up days, but they are completely over shadowed by my dark what on earth am I going to do days.

You need to break it into small chunks. When you think everything needs changing, you have to start with baby steps.

Maybe a start would be to talk to a counsellor, or to sit and work out on your own which is the most pressing matter to you.

Personally dumping the dp seems like a first step to me, while you're living with your folks.

It is hard when you feel that the list of things that you need or want to change is so long you don't know where to start. Obtaining the energy is half the battle as most of the things just end up being high-stress but very do-able for all that. But starting is the biggest most difficult bit.

When I was in a similar situation, trapped with an unpleasant XP who owed the house we lived in, I actually made a paper list of what I needed to do. Ploughing through that list was a VERY hard time and I still have it. The paper is pale and fluffy from being folded and unfolded so many times. But I did everything on the list and crossing each item out one by one (not in order; as and when) was very satisfying. Could you do something similar? Could you visit CAB to find out what your options are if you aren't happy with your partner and want to leave? entitledto.com can help you to know what your benefit options are for the time being; the career plans will come in time, once you are more settled and have your own place.

There will be lots of wisdom for you on MN, I've found it better than counselling, so sit tight and don't worry. You'll get through this difficult time and one day will be in a better place and able to look back on this. Hang in there :)

Thanks for replying Arach

I am already having CBT and have been for the last couple of months. I've struggled with depression since I was 12, but on the surface a lot of the time people wouldn't think it, so therefore, find it difficult to believe I think.

Dp's business is really not doing well so we don't even have enough money to rent right now. The fact that I know he's not the one seems secondary. I never thought i'd be in a situation when I thought that the fact that the father of my child and the man that I am living with and engaged to was not the right man for me and not think that that was the most important issue in my life. Does that make any sense? I never thought I would accept being so unhappy.

I genuinely feel like my heart is breaking. I am so sick of this pain

Thanks everyone. Obviously crossed posted. I really do genuinely appreciate all your words of encouragment.

I went in to my dd tonight to check on her and give her a kiss and I just completely broke down. I felt like I was physically crumbling if that makes any sense. She didn't wake thank god, but I just felt so guilty for allowing myself to get so low and so dark again. I am supposed to be her mum, but i'm completely clueless!

Hep, the thing is, my dp would make my life hell if we broke up. He wouldn't have a clue how to look after dd on his own, although he does love her more than anything. He is way too hard on her and me for that matter. I can't stand his family sometimes and he doesn't realise it, but he's becoming more and more like them every day. But that's why i'm too scared to leave-for dd's sake. I'm not sure I could leave her alone with him for longer than an afternoon. He's not a bad person, but he's quite scatter brained at times and his memory is shocking, even for important things like things to do with dd.

It's just too much to take. Sometimes I feel so low I do think of the worst, but then I look at my dd and it would be impossible- she needs me. But I need to feel happy at some point.........or at least not miserable, confused and bitter

Maybe i'm just not meant to feel happy. It's not my right is it. I've got myself into this mess, but I don't know how to get myself out. The problem is, it's not just me i've got to drag out.

detox, I know exactly how you feel, I can't stress that enough. I used to doubt XP's ability to care for our child adequately and it's still something which concerns me. I have nightmares about what would happen if I were to die and we would have to care for DS alone.

But, DS is three and a half now and he spends three afternoons a week with his Dad. I don't trust his Dad to look after him for longer really, he doesn't have the first clue about meals and gives him the same dinner every time . But he loves him and DS is now thankfully old enough to say if he's unhappy about something. It will never be perfect but they love each other so I let that be what it is and watch DS like a hawk when I'm there to see how he is before I leave and note how he seems when he is dropped back. When he said recently he 'didn't like going to Daddy's house' I told XP this, with some trepidation. He's started making more effort to do fun things and DS seems much happier lately because of this, they've bonded better. We tried one overnight a year ago but DS said he didn't want to again so I respected his wishes and haven't tried again as every time I mentioned it DS flatly said no.

Just making the point that it is possible. I was terrified of leaving too. I got 'I'll see you in court' (re: custody) and then 'I'm going to leave the country and will never see DS' and then 'I'm not leaving the country but still think it's better if I don't see DS, for his sake'. It was only when our son dropped his daytime nap (XP refused to get a cot so he could sleep there) that he started spending anything other than a few hours a week with his Dad.

I realized very belatedly that XP was actually aware of his shortcomings as a parent on some level, and scared of messing up. Ironically, the more time he spends with DS the more he grows in ability and confidence to parent, but if I sensed DS wasn't happy or I wasn't content XP was doing an adequate job I wouldn't let DS round there. And I'd tell him why.

Sorry this is such an essay but I feel so much for you, having been in just the same boat with the same fears. I now live in a privately rented cottage on HB, working part time from home. I'm very very broke but still way happier than I ever was before. We split in March 2010, I moved out in June 2010. It took a year for the dust to settle til XP and I were on anything but curt terms with each other. And we're okay friends now I guess, in a shallow sort of way. I still think he behaved like a cunt to me and that he was abusive and controlling as a partner. But for the most part we have an uneasy respect and have found a balance, cos we both love our child and that is a good bond.

Get informed about your rights and gather as much support around you as you can, and you'll be okay :)

Hey, happiness isn't something you have to earn a right to, and if it were, you have as much right to it as anyone on the planet. Hopefully you will have your fair share of it before long, but you might need extra help to get there. Any one of those things you're currently dealing with would send most of us into a spin - but you've got them all at once. You're not inadequate, you're overwhelmed. Like others have said, access what help you can, take it one small step at a time and you will get out of this miserable trap, you and your DD, and you will be happy together.

detox - a few questions, sorry if I'm being too direct -

Have you got any examples of where dp is too hard on dd and yourelf?
What's the family member problem that you are trying to come to terms with?
Can you explain what it is you don't like about dps family?
Any ideas why you might have become depressed at 12?

(hug) to keep you going

Hep, i'm sorry you've been through something very similar. That feeling of not knowing if your child is completely safe is just awful isn't it. The way i'm feeling right now, i'm not sure I have the courage or mental/emotional strength to leave or ask him to. I feel broken so i'm not sure where i'd get the strength from.

spend dp shouts a lot and is very critical of dd. She's only 5, but he speaks to her sometimes like an adult and gets frustrated when she doesn't respond He's never hit/smacked her, but he doesn't realise his own strength sometimes. The amount of times I tell him she's becoming scared of him, which is a very different thing to respecting a parent. I think he gets confused with disipline and respect and punishment and fear. He widens his eyes at her in an almost manic way when she's not doing as she's told and practically squares up to her. The last time he did that I got furious and pushed him out of the room. I think he understood it was too much because he didn't protest. He's admited that he has too much anger and has been looking into anger managment courses etc. I guess that's ONE plus. I don't really want to go into the family member issue, but they have since died and I just can't seem to get over it. I became depressed at 12, but I have no idea of the trigger. All I know is since then, life has been one big struggle.

Oh and forgot to mention that with regards to dp's family, it's mainly his dad that I have an issue with. He is immature, sexist, racist, rude, shockingly uninformed, it's ever ending really. He says shockingly inappropriate things and to put it bluntly i'm embarassed by him and the rest of dp's family to a lesser degree. I would even go as far as to say ashamed at times.

Sorry, I meant to say shockingly uneducated. I haven't had the best educated myself because of my depression(long stroy), so i'm not just being cruel. My issue is more with the fact that he seems to revel in the fact that he doesn't seem to know anything. Like he's proud of his ignorance. Honestly, i've never met anyone like him. I know he loves us all though, so I do feel quite bad for saying all this.

education, not educated

bump

dp shouts a lot and is very critical of dd. She's only 5, but he speaks to her sometimes like an adult

That's awful detox - when he shouts does he shout at you and does he call you names?

He has done in the past, but i'm probably just as bad for that. Like I say, he knows he has a problem and says that he's going to get help with it, but then the idea just seems to fizzle out.

Reading your op, I think your first step to a happier existence would be to get the strength to leave your DP, you are obvs not happy. His behaviour may also be contributing to your dds difficulties, especially if she is scared of him. You are at your parents, so it should be easy(ish) to get him to move out.

I know that this may seem like an impossible task at the moment, but baby steps. You have already identified that you are unhappy in your relationship (amongst other things). That is already a big step towards a happier future.

It does sound as though the relationship is not going well. He's angry, you're upset, dd's scared. It doesn't sound as though there is a lot of hope really. If you don't get on with his family that makes it very hard as well. Having bad in-laws is going to always be a burden on your family - you dd and him.

What's your housing situation at the moment?

Not great spendit. Like I say, we still live with my parents and there really is no way we or I could move out. Yes, he could move back in to his parents, but I wouldn't want dd to go there without me. I don't trust them in some ways. They're quite scatter brained and they just don't know dd who has certain issues shall we say.

It all just seems impossible..........

If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. It sounds as though you are might be finding reasons not to let go, if you like. Better the devil you know kind of thing. But, as others have experienced, life after ex is not going to be impossible - having a baby seems impossible until you have one, then you deal with it, you manage and cope. What do your Mum and Dad think of him?

What do your parents think of him?

Ask him to leave for a while, have your parents back up with this and then deal with contact as a seperate event.