How do I come back from this? **WARNING** in-law thread

[Arachnophobic]

Interested to hear from those mums netters who have had to somehow get over a massive fall-out with their significant other's family.

Will give you a bit of a back story - although I am not seeking comments so much on this aspect. Problems between me and them have been brewing for a few years. I believe this is down to clash of personalities mainly between me and MIL and SIL, but I have always jogged on as it were. Several weeks ago there was an incident when MIL looked after DS (6 months) and the agreement was that he would be returned to me at a set time. BIL offered to return him home to save me the drive. Very considerate except he brought him back two hours late and didn't think to call. I did call half an hour after the agreed time, but wasnt given a proper explanation and ended up having to call my MiL to find out what happened, who apologised for not calling me to let me know he had gone elsewhere. I feared an accident, and when i realised this wasn't the case I blew up at my MIL and BIL. It caused a bit of a row.

They will not call me as they are the non-confrontational type and to be honest I couldn't care less if I never saw them again. However this is hardly in my DP's or my DC's best interests. I am not minded to apologise but just make amends. But get this wrong and they will all turn on me. DP is in an awkward situation I appreciate but not very supportive of me.

So, anybody been in my shoes and what did you do?

Bump

Can anyone help?

I honestly don't see why you blew up at your mil when it was BIL who was late or went elsewhere? Honestly from that incident alone you need to talk/ apologise to her...

What does your DP say? If they are not confrontational and you blew up last time then now that you want to 'make amends' you are really going to have to make the first move...

Basically Kayano she still had DS with her half an hour after the agreed time and didn't call me, then let BiL go elsewhere with DS. Again without calling me.

I don't have experience with this. I can see why you were upset definitely. Does your BIL have kids himself? Where was he in the 2 hours it took to get DS home to you? It could be that he just didn't think (especially if he doesn't have kids of his own) and wouldn't have realised that you would be upset. But honestly I think you should let it go. I would phone MIL and BIL to apologise for blowing up at them, blame it on you being worried, but try to get in that in the future could they please let you know beforehand so you don't worry. ATEOTD (I presume) MIL was doing you a favour by looking after DS, and BIL was doing you a favour by bringing him home. I wouldn't cut your nose off to spite your face if you want them to babysit in the future.

erm

< scratches head >

gah

Going against the grain here but I wouldn't be apologising. They were 2 hours late bringing back your 6month old to you. I would also be spitting and I'm usually one if the poster who gets upset and all the in law haters out there

apologise for shouting at them, but emphasise that you were really really genuinely worried something had happened.
should be easy enough i'd think.

or is there more to this?

I just know that if I still had someone's baby half an hour after the agreed time, I would call, and wouldn't permit the baby to be taken elsewhere over and above the agreement and without asking the aren't. But hey, this isn't the point of the post.........

parent

She did plenty wrong.

She kept a baby late (by more than half an hour) without letting its mother know, then allowed the baby to be taken elsewhere, again without letting the mother know.

You don't keep a 6 month old baby away from its mother for 2 hours past the agreed return time without letting her know what is going on.

Unless you are trying to provoke her.

Your MIL didn't bother contacting you when she knew he would be late getting your baby home? They went "somewhere else" and didn't bother to call you? What the hell was he doing with your baby for 2 hours?

If anyone had been 2 hours late bringing my 6 month old home without any explanation I would have been in a terrible panic!

I would never, ever leave my child with them again. I doubt I would want to see them again. I certainly wouldn't apologise.

Does your DP think this behaviour is OK? He needs his arse kicking.

They werent trying to be nasty, they were trying to help.

I'm intrigued as to how it could ever be helpful to bring home a six month old baby two hours late without any warning or explanation?

I would be pissed off. I would let them know this loud and clear. I would then clear the air and then brush it under the carpet, pretending it never happened Life is too short and your baby won't be a baby forever.

I just cannot see there is any excuse for keeping a six month old baby for two hours past the time he was supposed to be home and not bother to telephone, to ask the parent if that was alright, or even let the parent know where they were, why, and when they would be back.

OP had to ring the MIL - she forgot to ring. How bloody weird is that?

Two hours! That's appalling.

I think your reaction was understandable.

I neither know nor care about the logic of it, I just know that if anyone had disappeared off with my PFB for an unscheduled couple of hours when he was small I'd have ripped their heads off first and asked questions afterwards (though I would doubtless have been very sorry later). I hope the in-laws can accept that worried mummies are the least rational creatures on the face of this earth, forgive the shouting, and perhaps consider their own part in causing her to panic in the first place.

I find it very strange that your mil did'nt think to call but at least she said sorry, although that would'nt cut with me.

My pil have made it an art form to be late amongst other things that I have asked not to happen. I know they think, well they are our grandchildren, but hey ho they are my children and therefore my rules. So after 6 years of trying to be nice, playing fair and biting my tongue they get to see my children once a month in my presence always.

Do you really want such inconsiderate people, even if they are family,looking after you dc?
However to keep the piece I would say nothing and let dp do any talking.

MIL was like this when dd was little. It does freak you out when you have no idea where they are, and they're late. You are not being unreasonable to expect your 6mo baby to be brought back at close to the agreed time, or to get a phone call to let you know what's happening. It's a very small baby and you are naturally more concerned and more easily upset then you would be if the child were older.

However, I do think you should apologise to MIL for blowing up at her. Once you've made your peace, you can then arrange that they call you if arrangements are changed, but be nice about it, you won't get anywhere if you're still angry, and they'll think you're the DIL from Hell!

Your dh can point out to your MIL that it's perfectly reasonable to be worried and upset under the circumstances, and he can underline the importance of communication between you all.

2 hours isn't "a bit late".

It's really, really fucking late, even if you aren't talking about returning a baby to its mother.

I wouldn't be apologising or having such unreliable, incosiderate fuckers around my child without me.

And PMSL at "non-confrontational" types who bring a baby back 2 hours late with no attempt to let the mother know what is going on.

They enjoy confrontation all right...

I am the writer of the "I'll dance on her grave" book about MILs but here I don't really get why you don't want to see her again.

They fucked up with the late thing, and should definitely apologise for that. But unless there is some hooooooge additional backstory then I'm a bit tbh.