How do I come back from this? **WARNING** in-law thread

[Arachnophobic]

Interested to hear from those mums netters who have had to somehow get over a massive fall-out with their significant other's family.

Will give you a bit of a back story - although I am not seeking comments so much on this aspect. Problems between me and them have been brewing for a few years. I believe this is down to clash of personalities mainly between me and MIL and SIL, but I have always jogged on as it were. Several weeks ago there was an incident when MIL looked after DS (6 months) and the agreement was that he would be returned to me at a set time. BIL offered to return him home to save me the drive. Very considerate except he brought him back two hours late and didn't think to call. I did call half an hour after the agreed time, but wasnt given a proper explanation and ended up having to call my MiL to find out what happened, who apologised for not calling me to let me know he had gone elsewhere. I feared an accident, and when i realised this wasn't the case I blew up at my MIL and BIL. It caused a bit of a row.

They will not call me as they are the non-confrontational type and to be honest I couldn't care less if I never saw them again. However this is hardly in my DP's or my DC's best interests. I am not minded to apologise but just make amends. But get this wrong and they will all turn on me. DP is in an awkward situation I appreciate but not very supportive of me.

So, anybody been in my shoes and what did you do?

They took the piss hugely. But as you have said it is in Dcs and DH best interest for this to be resolved. Can you just act as normal and not say anything? I wouldn't be apologising either.

MiL and BiL were wrong not to let you know but 'massive fall out'?

What BluddyMoFo said just about covers it for me.

Surely you say "look, I'm sorry for losing my rag, but I was really worried there had been an accident or something".

I'm not surprised you have a "personality clash".

These people sound seriously weird.

Find other babysitters and let your DH deal with them.

This is not about a clash of personalities at all. It goes far deeper than that and is far more complex. You likely come yourself from a family where this type of dysfunction is unknown.

With all that in mind as well why did you let these people mind your child in the first instance?. This was a poor decision.

Your partner's family do not work as a family properly; they have their own way of doing things i.e their way or no way. "Normal" rules of familial interaction do not work on such people and I note too there has been no apology from them (and there won't be). That is not also because they are "non confrontational" either; these people relish power and control.

Also these people do not seem at all interested in trying to fix relations; this is not something you can do on your own. Your man in this is culpable as well; he seems almost afraid of them (he seems certainly afraid of his mother) and is letting you take any flack as a result.

Think carefully as to whether you all want these people in your lives at all because chaos often follows such families. What do these people really bring into your lives?. Does not seem like anything at all positive so why would you want to be associated with them?. Family members do not have carte blanche to treat other family members with contempt. You would not tolerate this from a friend, they are truly no different in that regard.

For the sake of everyone, yourself included, try and sort it out. Anger causes nothing but pain and more anger. Being angry at her will not solve the issue. Telling her your worries and fears just might.

If it were your own mother, would you have been so worried? My mum has taken DS for me a lot since he was tiny(I was a single parent back then) and she would just bring him back when she wanted. But this was arranged insomuch, that we hadn't set a time. MIL was irresponsible to not call and say what had happened. Of course you were worried, she as a mother, should have known this. Silly moo.

But it was a mistake, one that doesn't deserve utter wrath. Your DS is healthy and here. You have family support around you, that's a damn sight more than a lot of folks. Speak to her and fix it.

Crikey i'd be cross too.

The original arangement was with the MIL. As far as the OP was concerned the child was missing for 2 hours. Thats why the wrath is being aimed mainly at the MIL by the OP.

The MIL passed the baby on to BIL - really she should have been ensuring the baby then got back to its mum asap. Or let the OP know what was happening. 'Specially as it was already late then!

I'd smooth the waters now but not let them look after the child again.

2 hours late is a huge amount of time for a 6 month old baby. Would not be such an issue for an older child. Can totally see where OP is coming from and why she is so cross.

I do think you need to speak to MIL/BIL and apologise for kicking off but say that you were very worried as half an hour late is fine, 2 hours is out of order and must not happen again if they want to look after your DS.

I think involving your BIL as taxi driver was a mistake. If MIL lives near you then you should have just picked him up yourself, if she lives a long drive away then surely picking up your son from his mother's house and then travelling to your house and then going home would have been a major faff for BIL and he deecided to do other jobs as well. I'm not sure what other jobs you'd do with a 6 month old in the car though, what was he actually up to for 2 hours?
I agree MIL should have phoned once she realised your son was going to be more than 15 min late getting back to you, and I don't think you were unreasonable getting angry and upset at her not phoning, as she doesn't then sound a responsible person to be looking after a 6 month old if she doesn't expect parents to worry when they are late.
I do think involving your BIL as a free taxi was a mistake though as he obviously didn't allocate any importance to the job or want to do it.
I think you got angry with them and now you move on, but MIL doesn't get to have your son at her house any more as she is unreliable.
I'm not sure why this has affected your husband's relationship with his family though and think they made a mistake and now you move on. I think your husband should have seen them by now and smoothed things over. I wouldn't not talk to my family for weeks on end for something like that. No-one was hurt, they were just thoughtless and odd. (I think the 2 hour random trip by BIL with baby in the car is odd)