Just had a warning from the police !!

[Pippa5l]

Long story short, basically my daughters long term best friend does not get on with her Mother who is mentally and physically abusive having had a bad childhood herself. Against my better instincts the girl ended up staying at our house for 3.5 months which gave them both a break. The girls are in their last year at school and naively I thought I could give her some peace whilst she finished school. Anyway, the Mother was horrendous about and to me whilst the girl was at my house saying she didnt like her daughter living in the house of a woman of colour and many other abusive things. Eventually I realised the emotional problems were far deeper than I could cope with and had to send the girl home mid January. Since then the Mother has been a complete bitch, she s tried lots of things and my response has always been utterly calm, not trying to enter into anything with her. The last two emails I sent in response to her were very friendly and warm ignoring her nonsense, trying to ensure I could not be accused of anything. When I dropped the girl back the woman refused to give me back our suitcase which again I sent a message saying you obviously need the suitcase more than we do so keep it. All in all its been a nightmare that I want to see the back of. A couple of weeks ago the social services contacted the woman as someone had annonymously rung them about the dangers her children were in, this is the second time someone has done this though last time not annonymously. Social services suggested they have family counselling but took it no further. Anyway the woman is convinced I rung social services therefore I must be punished. So this morning the police rung to say she has mad an accusation towards me of texting her to harass and threaten her. I was not entirely shocked and told the copper the story saying that they could take me phone to check for threatening texts and also to look at the nice emails sent by me. He said he didnt need to and seemed to want to protect us saying that my daughter and myself must have no contact with the woman or her daughter. The girls were supposed to be going to Italy on Sunday to see the girls estranged father which Ive had to now cancel due to this horrendous woman. Any ideas?

sheeesh! It's horrible when a good turn massively backfires!
No real advice apart from I'd spend a while writing down as much as you remember about any incidents, dates etc, and from now on keep a record if you end up with any contact. Also keep all the texts!

Back off, just leave it. No more contact.

You sound lovely btw. A few people have had my dd stay a week or two when we were going through a rough patch

I have nothing but respect and gratitude for those mums.

Why are you organising foreign visits to estranged fathers for a girl who is no relative of yours?

Your intentions may have been wholly altruistic here,but seriously, just stay away from this family. Unless you have been specifically asked, (and even then your relationship with the mother would have to be rock solid) by the family, or you have offered and they have said yes,(and meant it) then you are getting involved way way over your rights/duties/responsibilities.

Thankyou for your comments. TheSecondComing, when a child rings you in the dark at 11.30pm sobbing as the mother has punched her 5 times in the head Im guessing you would tell her to go home? Yes it turned out to be for 3.5 months, I didnt kidnap her she didnt want to go home she wanted to stay away from home. And as I said it was against my better nature. There were many conversations with her natural father and her step father about the situation and it was decided in the end as there had been long term abuse that she stay with me.
Bucharest - I didnt arrange for the girl to go, my daughter was invited for half term and I arranged for my daughter to go with her.
I certainly take your advise on the involvement, it wasnt something I wanted to do, it was a case of rescuing the girl and then trying to get her help with social services ie a hostel. however as she is nearly 18 they dont like to get involved as these things can take up to a year which would take her over her birthday when officially she can leave home.
When I was younger I had a very difficult relationship with my mother and I stayed with some friends for a few weeks, it helped. I thought I was doing the right thing for this girl, and in fact things have been much calmer at home as a result of their break. Its just me she hates.

AFingerof Fudge - Ill take your advice and write everything down as the woman is unpredictable. The girls are now not allowed any contact at all now as a result and I cannot risk being arrested by allowing them to talk.

What a lovely person OP. If she's nearly 18 can't she legally leave home anyway?

I also wouldn't stop my daughter (you won't be able to anyway) seeing her friend.

It seems a shame to me that her safe haven has been taken away from her.
Is she still going to her father's?

I think you did a lovely thing btw.

TSC.... The police would do nothing

They can check she is ok and report that back to her mother, but she could not be forced back 'home'... However, the dd could use that time with the police to report her abusive mother

I'd keep her there until she could go to her father and carry on documenting the mothers actions. I'd have no altrications with the mother, ie. put the phone down if she calls, Not answer any texts etc. (but then that's me i guess).

I think you did a good thing OP and should be commended for it. I'd have done exactly the same.

I understand the advice you're being given to back away, but I know that in your position I couldn't - and IMO too many people sit on the fence and turn the other cheek when a child or young adult in this case, is being abused.

The girl's father needs to step up here, so I would lay it on with a trowel with him that his daughter is in desperate danger and needs his help. Social Services sound as though they are doing a lot of hand-wringing and precious little in the way of protecting this young person. But really this is a parental responsibility issue first and foremost.

So my advice is don't cut her loose. Try and work behind the scenes to get her the help she needs. Let her know that there is a safe house she can escape to. Protect yourself and your family by all means, keep copious records and don't put yourselves in danger, but this girl needs adults in the world who are committed to keeping her safe from harm.

I know the whole thing is horrible, the girl is 18 in July so a few months off. And yes the safe haven has been taken away from her which is mad for both of them because actually the mother could have reallised how much things have improved with them both due to the break they had. Oh well.

Hattytown thanks. It upsets me so much that we only look after our own in this world, children in their teens can be very much at risk and Social Services do very little other than hope someone takes them in as it is costly and lengthy for them to do anything.
I havent entirely cut her loose, she knows she has a space here if she needs it in an emergency, but it would nt be for long, a few days at most. The family has twice been introduced to Social Services, they wont do anything about the 17 year old but there is a 10 year old in the house who is beginning to cop it too.

Get in touch with the Police Child Protection Team. IME the police make far better risk assessments than Social Services and there are two young people including a 10-year old who are at risk. Ask the CPT to link the case with her report against you.

What about the father? Why isn't he doing more?

pippa51 I think you did the right thing you sound lovely. I wouldn't think twice in the same situation. MAybe when she is 18 she can confide in you again xx

I think punching in the head is a little different to the usual teen My parents are aliens!

I hadnt thought of the Child Protection Team, it sounds like a better idea as there are is a 10 year old involved. Thanks for that piece of advice. The eldests father is in Italy and has not come over yet which I think he should do. He has remarried and although very upset about what is going on and is very supportive of the girl over the phone has not been here. When the girl visits him he does see to it that she sees a therapist, she is also having counselling at school.
TheSecondComing - Im very sorry you were on the receiving end of something like this but it doesnt sound like you were treating your teen in any way like this mother. Dont forget I have a teenage girl myself so I know very well what they can be like, but Im sure you were not regularly beating your teen, telling your teen she was never wanted and still isnt. Your sister sounds like she really was being unreasonable.

And the ten year old?

That was to TSC..,

But she didnt make it up TSC, her mother agreed she had done it. She married a third husband who was an alcoholic who molested her daughter, again the mother agreed he had done it. The child kept all of this secret for many years because her mother is very plausible and can be really nice when need be. The girl thought noone would believe her. When she got older she started confiding in myself and one other person. I know she is not making it up.