Just had a warning from the police !!

[Pippa5l]

Long story short, basically my daughters long term best friend does not get on with her Mother who is mentally and physically abusive having had a bad childhood herself. Against my better instincts the girl ended up staying at our house for 3.5 months which gave them both a break. The girls are in their last year at school and naively I thought I could give her some peace whilst she finished school. Anyway, the Mother was horrendous about and to me whilst the girl was at my house saying she didnt like her daughter living in the house of a woman of colour and many other abusive things. Eventually I realised the emotional problems were far deeper than I could cope with and had to send the girl home mid January. Since then the Mother has been a complete bitch, she s tried lots of things and my response has always been utterly calm, not trying to enter into anything with her. The last two emails I sent in response to her were very friendly and warm ignoring her nonsense, trying to ensure I could not be accused of anything. When I dropped the girl back the woman refused to give me back our suitcase which again I sent a message saying you obviously need the suitcase more than we do so keep it. All in all its been a nightmare that I want to see the back of. A couple of weeks ago the social services contacted the woman as someone had annonymously rung them about the dangers her children were in, this is the second time someone has done this though last time not annonymously. Social services suggested they have family counselling but took it no further. Anyway the woman is convinced I rung social services therefore I must be punished. So this morning the police rung to say she has mad an accusation towards me of texting her to harass and threaten her. I was not entirely shocked and told the copper the story saying that they could take me phone to check for threatening texts and also to look at the nice emails sent by me. He said he didnt need to and seemed to want to protect us saying that my daughter and myself must have no contact with the woman or her daughter. The girls were supposed to be going to Italy on Sunday to see the girls estranged father which Ive had to now cancel due to this horrendous woman. Any ideas?

By the way TSC I did involve the school, again because she is nearly 18 all they could do was try to do their best with her when she bothers going in. She has only 60% attendence at school at best, when she was with me it was 94%. I think the abuse has been incideous and going on for years. The mother had a bad childhood and was sexually and mentally abused herself so the situation seems to have perpetuated itself. One of the reasons I had to send the girl home was that all the time she was at our house she had been on the internet naked, and masturbating to strangers with the laptop inbetween her legs.She clearly has very deep problems and is desperate for any attention.

Yes please do contact the CPT and also have you spoken to the girl's Headteacher regarding your concerns? All the research suggests that the more agencies officially informed about CP concerns, the more chance of help being given. If you have any photographic evidence of injuries, get copies made too.

I'm assuming the 10-year old is the the child of the 17-year old's stepdad? Does he live with the mother? He should also be stepping up to the plate and frankly there are no excuses for the 17 year old's Dad. However, does he really understand how bad things are? Don't pull your punches with him and don't fear him disliking you for pointing it out and suggesting he does something.

The objective here is to keep both young people safe, while keeping you and your family safe too.

TSC I have reported the case to SS and to pay me back the mother has contacted the police to say I have sent a bunch of threatening texts to her which is why the police contacted me today. As for the length of time she stayed here surely that is 3.5 months where she had some space to catch up with her homework and get some head space. She actually told me she had not been that up to date with her work in years. I guess we will have to agree to disagree.

Cross-posted. This is shocking. This is why the police need to be involved.

TSC, you are letting your personal situation colour your views here. Pippa did the right thing at the time - god forbid we should end up in a society where abused children get told, "I can't help you, it's down to the authorities". Meaning that either the children don't seek help, or they don't get what they need, or they get taken into care (and that is way more disruptive to families than a friend providing temporary respite).

Hattytown you are right and I hadnt thought about it that way, I will contact the CPT and the schools head. There have been 3 marriages, my daughters friend is the daughter of the first marriage, he lives in Italy. The second child is the daughter of the second marriage, he lives locally is remarried and has a new baby. No kids from the third marriage to an alcoholic who molested the child number one. I feel that both fathers are being pathetic and I have spoken to them both as I feel the second dad should take his 10 year old away. He wont because he knows it will cause a war between them. Hes being a pussy as far as Im concerned.

That is how I feel too. I feel we have a duty to our community/duty to watch out for our kids. If they are at risk they generally dont tell people, we have to pick up on the signs. This woman is very middle class, has a degree and doing a masters so very clever, but an emotional mess. She is hugely angry, the kids never know what mood she will be in when they get home which is difficult for any child. Shes an emotional bully and extremely violent. I couldnt sit back and let it happen. The girl is back home now, has gone back to truanting (I know because the letters are still coming to my house) and we know she is generally unhappy. But what to do? I am not a professional. I do feel it was a better scenario than going into foster care for a while though. She was with people who genuinely cared for her.

Both men are complete wankers who've abdicated their responsibilities to move on to their new lives by the sounds of things. These poor girls seem to have been failed by all the close adults in their lives. Thank goodness for you, your decency and your willingness to get involved. Please stay involved and do everything you can for them. It looks like no-one else will. Become a thorn in officialdom's side if necessary and don't give up.

TSC there was no formal agreement or resolution other than the girl telling her mother over and over again that she didnt want to live there. The trouble is with that abuse the mother would never have agreed to it as that would ultimately be admitting there were problems at home and she never would have.

The two men are so scared to rock anyones boat. They both divorced the woman because she is manipulative and agressive, they are both being bullied by her still as she keeps demanding more money. If I completely pull away now the sitation will perpetuate itself and there will be no respite for the young girl.

How come the school are sending letters to you when you don't have parental responsibility?

If the mother could have got a 'harbouring' order against you, she could work with the attendance officer and head of year on this

The girl told school she wasnt living at home and wanted me to talk for her, so the school started sending my letters and ringing me. I told them what I could but they havent done much to be fair apart from monitor her attendance. Ive told them she doesnt live with us anymore and has gone home but I think due to archaic computer systems my name and address have not been changed.
'Harbouring' order - what is that?

I know and understand very little of these situations, but if she's nearly 18, then isn't she old enough to leave home and live where she likes anyway?

NannyOgg yes she will be 18 in July so after her exams and her 18th birthday will go straight to Italy to live with her Dad until uni in September when she will be living in halls. The issue then becomes the 10 year old. What do I do with the information that there is this rotten abuse ongoing in the house. Ofcourse you could say that now the older girl is safe what business is it of mine that the 10 year old is stuck in it. Well it comes down to how much do we stick our necks out for our community and young people? If nothing is done and the girl gets hurt have I then not been irresponsible by doing nothing about it?

40 yrs ago - when I was that age - I had a male friend whose father was violent towards his mother & him - after one bloody episode he ended up being taken in by one of the teachers & her dad. Stayed there for 2 yrs so he could do A levels & slept on their living room floor in a sleeping bag. He did well, went to uni, married another school friend of ours.

He and his wife and kids remained close to teacher's family, his mother was eternally grateful that he'd had somewhere safe to go as any normal mother would be. I've had "stray" kids stay here on sofas and floors over the years, usually step father issues .

I think you did absolutely the right thing Pippa but it does seem like this girl, understandably, might have deeper issues that you can't help with. At her age you really don't have to worry about harbouring orders - quite apart from anything else her mother knew where she was and she is not under 16 so you were not "harbouring". Over 16 she is free to go where she likes!

Thanks Catsrus, that makes me feel a lot better. I do feel like I helped her, I only wish and feel guilty that I couldnt do it for longer. At the end of the day her problems are a lot deeper than I could deal with and as a single mother I had to make sure my own daughter was coping with all this school work ok. I feel glad she had a break and that I was able to offer it. Thanks for the help on harbouring too.