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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed- invite from people I have good reason to loathe

39 replies

PeachyClair · 23/01/2006 10:00

Hi all. Mumsnet Jury needed if you don't mind, I agree to go woth the majority.

Had an e-mail today from someone is Dh's old Carnival Club. Now, if you're not from where we are from then you won't get the scene, so please imagine it takes over your life as much as a religion. Three days a week minimum, all your cash, your friends, the lot.

Anyway, Dh was in this extremely successful club when we met and his whole life, being single and living with his Mum, was based on it. I stayed on the sideleine, something about them I didn't quite like- the way they would talk down to DH, mainly, and the way all the women were cliquey and offy with me (bar 2). They all saw me as an inconvenience also, got in the way of carnival.

Anyway I joined another club with DH, got pg so he went back to the original one whilst I dropped out. Eventually though DH persuaded me to join too, didn't want to but did it for him.

I went to the meetings, spoke up loads and offered to do plenty. Went away for the weekend with them (hated it) and whilst i was away they booted me out, didn't do enough apparently. Pah, did more than DH for sure. At least offered to, messages of help offers, arranging times etc never passed on by this one particular chap.

DH phoned up furious, this chap promised to (he was the captain) to sort it out- he 'suddenly remembered' the offers, messages etc. Well of course he didn't, he went in and lied about me. Dh was there, heard every word and told him what he thought and walked out. We now have a kids club, if Dh sees the old guys around he chats, I walk away (apart from a few people who I know defended me).

I am not a liar and will not be called one.

Anyway, today in my inbox an e-mail from one of the nicer ones asking us to a reunion do next month, invite in post.

Do I: Say no bloody way, never acknowledging them again (which i'd like to but love Dh too much I think)

Let Dh go alone, which would break his heart I suspect, he likes me with him.

Adopt a false grin, go along and sink into the background, miserable as anything.

Spend too much money on a glam outfit (very glam venue), go along and wow them. Except most of their wives look like supermodels and are about 23. Blonde and skinny, the lot of them.

Help!!!!! Don't want to upset Dh but this will be TORTURE!

I'm not great socially, quite shy really, at the best of times.

I realise a lot of this is down to a personality clash: they're more blonde skinny bouncy Anthea Turner types: I'm a scarlet haired, size 12, Kaiser Chiefs, faff free and sarky.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 23/01/2006 10:03

I'd say "no bloody way" and given the circumstances I would expect that dh would say the same thing.

NotActuallyAMum · 23/01/2006 10:05

I'm with wwb - would definitely say no and would fully expect DP to support me and not go either

Kelly1978 · 23/01/2006 10:05

talk to ur dh, are u sure he would be that upset? Since they treated you like crap, he should be backing you up anyway.

Clayhead · 23/01/2006 10:06

Wouldn't go personally.

lionhearted · 23/01/2006 10:09

Ditto. Trust your instincts, life is too short ....Maybe you and your DH could go out together instead, treat yourselves (with the money you'll save on the dress!)

Weatherwax · 23/01/2006 10:09

I'd say no too. Talk to dh, he probably was quite hurt by the treatment of you by people hw thought were his friends, he might not want to go either.

As the invite is one of the nicer ones I'd thank them for their invite but point out that you can't accept due to the lies told about you.

ggglimpopo · 23/01/2006 10:13

Message withdrawn

lolliepops · 23/01/2006 10:21

whats a Carnival Club do????

Original poster
PeachyClair · 23/01/2006 10:26

Build carnival floats. like this

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 23/01/2006 11:03

No I would not go either. His primary loyalty should be first and foremost to you so he should respect your decision.

Such clubs are a magnet for people on power trips to go in there and lord it over anyone who does not fit in for whatever reason. It sounds like your DH and especially you have outgrown such local activities even if the CC is ultimately there to raise funds for charity.

P.S Can't abide Anthea Turner!!.

SleepyJess · 23/01/2006 11:07

Oooh no.. to accept would be masochistic surely! Do you and DH have to be invovled with this club at all anymore? I don't understand the necessity element really...

harpsichordcarrier · 23/01/2006 11:08

no I wouldn't go
I would not object to dh going but if roles were reversed I would not want to go
sounds unspeakable btw

starlover · 23/01/2006 11:10

no way on earth i would go! and from what you've said i don't think your dh would want to either! he heard what they said about you, and he knows how upset you were.

i am sure he wouldn't expect anything from you except a refusal

Original poster
PeachyClair · 23/01/2006 11:16

The event is a 21st birthday party bash for the club, that's why I suspect Dh would want to go: he joined very shortly afterwards and was there 13 years.

We're still in 'the scene' with the kids club, but very much more loosely and in a much less competitive way. it's far nicer, and these poeple we are with now are those that DH has known since he was tiny (3 in some cases!).

I know Dh misses his old friends immensely, especially certain ones who left years ago but wold be there for the birthday thing.

I haven't even mentioned this to him yet- he's in bed, night shift last night.

The reason I feel like I might / should go for him, is that he has moved here to wales with me, away from all his friends and gave up most things just so I could study. I feel as if I should make a similar effort for just one night.
It might do me and my stressy (occasionally self righteous) self a bit of good.

OP posts:
starlover · 23/01/2006 11:19

well ask him... before you give your side and say whether or not you're willing to go... ask him what he thinks of it

NotActuallyAMum · 23/01/2006 11:28

PeachyClair I don't think you should feel as if you have to go. Yes it was a big thing he did moving for you but he wasn't forced and you shouldn't have to repay him forever for it. Last year I gave my DP £50,000 towards his divorce settlement but I don't expect him to do anything for me just because I did that - and I certainly wouldn't want him going somewhere he really didn't want to go just because he felt he ought to. They treated you very badly and I agree totally with ggglimpopo that if you go and it's crap, which it probably will be, you'll feel even worse and wish you hadn't gone. I really think your DH should support you on this

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/01/2006 11:32

Well if it were me, although i'd be tempted to show up all glam and proud and "show em".

I would decline the offer. I think my absence would speak volumes.

I would of course discuss the invitation with DH, and tell him that I wouldnt want to go because i have no fond memories, and its therefore not a celebration (more of an unnecessary endurance). I would tell him that he could of course make his own mind up about whether he wants to go and i would be happy with his decision either way.

But thats just me

Original poster
PeachyClair · 23/01/2006 16:39

I told Dh, he might be working (fingers crossed!) but if not he just says 'water under the bridge'. I've told him he can go whatever, but that i need to consider which he seems OK with.

OP posts:
mandieb · 23/01/2006 18:00

I would have deleted the email and got to the post first ,we all know letters get lost in the post LOL

doormat · 23/01/2006 18:25

peachy i would ask your dh if he really wanted to go, if he did
I would go with dh
I would also show the lot of them up, dress to the nines and talk drunken shite all night

I think you will find your dh will be supportive though and not want to go.

SoupDragon · 23/01/2006 18:29

Another vote for "no bloody way".

lou33 · 23/01/2006 18:57

dont go

Original poster
PeachyClair · 24/01/2006 13:10

Update: Dh is desperate to go (and I don't blame him, he has s evere friend shortage, all colleagues / old mates being miles away). He doesn't though know if he can get the day off, he's asking tonight.

I have said I do not know if I am going. I have however agreed to blow the budget on a fab handmade card for them to celebrate their birthday, as it's something I do anyway.

The invite turned up today. It's £25 a head, which i can understand with the venue but cannot justify in my head. It's a black and white party tho, which is tempting as I blew lots last year on all all black outfit for a do none of them attended. See? See how terribly shallow I am? Bad Peachy!

So the thing here is I don't know. Do I want to go? Nope. can I realistically afford going? Nope. Would it do my poor beleaguered Dh a world of good to go? Absolutely. Would I be prepared to swallow my pride for him? Probably.

So it comes dpwn to his boss, whom I think will say bugger off.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 24/01/2006 13:12

Message withdrawn

mazzystar · 24/01/2006 13:15

it would not need you to swallow your pride to go. you have the moral highground here!