Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not attracted to DH anymore

36 replies

jaffacakesaddict · 06/02/2012 10:53

When I read other people's problems on here I feel ashamed of myself for feeling this way, but I'm just not attracted to my DH of 11 years anymore and it's making me so miserable! We have 2 beautiful children who are the only reason I think we are still together. DH is such a good guy (works hard, great dad, kind to me) - I know most women would kill to have someone like him in their life - but we are more like housemates than a married couple.

We very rarely have sex, in fact there is no real affection between us - no hugs, kisses, holding hands etc. We sleep in separate rooms most nights as I go to bed much earlier than he does. I worry that I am setting a terrible example of what marriage is to my children!

I am so desperate to feel loved and wanted again. I miss having sex, I miss the romance and passion, I miss the desire on both sides. But I don't think I want it with DH. I am only 30 and feel like I am losing the best years of my life! We have tried to talk about this in the past but we don't seem to have got anywhere. I can't admit to him that I just don't fancy him anymore as I don't want to hurt him. I still have lots of respect for him and we get on perfectly well most of the time.

Basically, my marriage is not bad enough to justify tearing my family apart and ruining my children's lives but equally it's not good enough to make me happy anymore :( My parents had a very messy divorce when I was the same age as my DD and I can't bear the idea of inflicting that same misery on my children. I think DH and I got married too quickly when we were too young and now I am trapped!

OP posts:
PosieParker · 06/02/2012 10:55

I think many people go through times when they're not attracted to their dp's/dh's. Can you change gear a little? Perhaps go on a few dates, find an interest together?

hillyhilly · 06/02/2012 11:00

As you're unwilling to split up, then I think you're both going to need to put a bit of work in to make it better, date nights, counselling, open and honest talks about how you both feel and what you both want, please don't continue to drift along, life is for living not existing through, grab it!

squeakytoy · 06/02/2012 11:01

I would say it is very easy to get into this sort of rut...

You say you are desperate to be loved and wanted again, but do you want it to be your husband doing the loving and wanting, or do you want it to be a new person?

New romances are always heady and exciting but they will still grow into a more stable, steady relationship too, and you may end up realising that you threw away a very good marriage just for the sake of wanting lust rather than love.

You fancied your husband once, and I would say yes, you can re-ignite the spark and can make you happy again, and would certainly say that you should try that before making any life changing decisions.

pinkdaisy · 06/02/2012 11:18

I am sorry but I don't have any answers, but just wanted to let you know I am in a very similar situation. Will be watching your thread to check for any tips or advice!
X

Original poster
jaffacakesaddict · 06/02/2012 11:19

Thank you for your replies. I know you're all right and we really do need to sit down and have a conversation, but I'm slightly terrified at the prospect! It's so complicated I just don't know where we would begin in trying to fix things between us. Date nights etc sound marvellous but then I feel a horrible pressure to have sex at the end of them which I really don't want to do at the moment!

I am really fed up with pretending that everything is ok, he can't be feeling happy either yet he never tries to talk about it. I'm frustrated that it has to fall to me to try to fix things between us.

OP posts:
ReallyUncertain · 06/02/2012 12:37

Hi Jaffa

I posted yesterday something really similar, I love my DH, but just not sure it's enough, we don't have children together (although trying) but have a DSS, I also know I need to have the discussion as well, but just such a hard thing to kick off!!

I hope it goes well for you, if you have any tips they'd be much appreciated.

mojitomania · 06/02/2012 12:49

OP

Deep breath and instigate a chat. Get a babysitter even and go somewhere neutral. If you don't do it you won't resolve anything will you Smile

glassandahalf · 06/02/2012 13:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nocluenoclueatall · 06/02/2012 14:04

I am in this boat too. I wish I could offer some advice, but I can't. It's soooo soo hard when all you want to do is make everything alright, but you just can't seem to turn it all back on again.

FWIW we tried dates. It just made things worse because I realised how much he enjoyed them and I didn't. Heartbreaking. Sad I don't want to hurt my DH and I don't want to separate him from DS either, so I'm stuck too.

I hope someone will be along soon with some helpful advice for all of us.

Helltotheno · 06/02/2012 14:09

I feel for you op because I think no longer fancying someone is a very real thing and there doesn't have to be a reason for it like him not doing enough at home, you not getting time to yourself etc etc. No matter how much people say you need to try and re-connect, do date nights etc, sometimes it just isn't coming back and that's it .

I think you should tell him you're not attracted to him any more and see where that goes. Obviously it's not a nice thing to hear but I do think it should be possible to tell someone that without it being the equivalent of telling them they're awful or there's something wrong with their character. It's not his fault, you can impress that on him. Sometimes these things just happen.

oldwomaninashoe · 06/02/2012 14:39

I think that to tell someone that you just don't fancy them any more should be a very LAST resort. My Ex didn't "fancy" me and I ended up feeling grotesque and unlovable, it really is the kiss of death to a relationship.

If you love someone enough, try and make the effort to try other things to repair the physical side of your relationship.

You can get into such a rut of not having sex that I think you lose all desire to do so. I would initially try to re-connect with your DH, book a surprise weekend away just the two of you (room with a double bed so you have to share) You may surprise yourselves and rekindle something.

But please don't tell him you don't fancy him anymore (not yet anyway)

Helltotheno · 06/02/2012 15:41

I don't agree with that. I've been told by the odd person that they're not attracted to me and have usually ended up being very good friends with them and do not have hard feelings towards them. I don't have all my self-esteem tied up in how people view me sexually and someone saying they are not attracted to me, as long as I knew the essential person I am is not at fault, isn't something that's going to send me into a tailspin.

I don't see what's wrong with saying to a person that at the moment, you ae not attracted to them. It's not a statement that closes all doors in my opinion. It can be presented in a way that doesn't lay the blame at the door of the other person. I would much prefer someone to be honest with me.

It needs to be acknowledged more in my opinion that monogamy is very difficult and that losing sexual attraction for a long-term partner is something that happens despite best efforts.

Original poster
jaffacakesaddict · 06/02/2012 16:44

So good to hear so many different opinions, thank you. I would feel pretty evil telling DH that I don't find him attractive anymore! He'd take it all the wrong way. I can see that other women might find him attractive and he's such a decent guy, there just isn't a connection between us anymore. I don't want to break his heart. I have so much respect for him yet I am utterly miserable. He deserves someone who will truly love him, but I have to put the children first.

OP posts:
Emo76 · 06/02/2012 17:11

jaffa thank you for this thread, it has some resonance with me and I watch the replies with interest. I am afraid I have no sensible suggestions but anyway I TOTALLY hear you re date nights and the pressure to "perform"...

hellototheno I see your point but there's one thing in saying it to someone you aren't r a long term partner to and quite another breaking that news to someone you HAVE committed to IMO

ColdTruth · 06/02/2012 17:17

You say that there is no signs of affection between each other, rarely have sex and both of you have no problems sleeping in the same room, does he even complain at all about any of this? I wouldn't be surprised if your husband feels the same as you do.

Talk to him if might be that both of you will finally be relived to get the issue out in the open.

ColdTruth · 06/02/2012 17:18

no problems sleeping in different rooms

Hardgoing · 06/02/2012 17:22

I think telling your husband you don't fancy him IS a death-knell in a relationship. I don't have all my self-esteem tied up in being sexually attractive, but god, if my husband didn't fancy me, I simply would find it hard to continue with the relationship, let alone have a physical one.

I think this is often a habitual thing, you get out of the habit of flirting, or chatting about great films, or having sex, or holding hands. You have to find a way to get back the habit. One exercise that therapists often do is to get couples to actually look at each other, sounds silly but eye contact is very important.

I don't know if your marriage is saveable, but if you did find him attractive once (and be honest, really did you fancy him?) I would think it could come back again. There's books like 'I love you but I'm not in love with you', I don't know if these are any good, but obviously your problem is a common one (friends but lack of desire).

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 06/02/2012 17:27

How would you feel if he met someone else, someone that did find him attractive, and desired him sexually, and he desired them? How would you feel if he loved someone else?

Anything or nothing?

UnhappyLizzie · 06/02/2012 20:41

I can identify with what you say. I have been in this situation for years. It's not sustainable in the longer term. If you feel unloved and miserable, and you want love, sex, affection but no longer with your husband, you may stay, but it will chip and chip away at you.

I'm not getting a strong sense of how your dh feels. He is probably miserable too, but do you talk about it all? Is he just less highly sexed/in need of affection than you are?

There are options other than just carrying on in this limbo. Counselling, sex therapy, separation. You can try any of these. You may know which have potential. If you are unhappy because you want to fix your relationship you may be able to fix it. If you are because you wish you could but know you can't, it will end eventually, it is just a matter of time. It will end when you are ready for it to end.

The bit in between realising it isn't going to work, and feeling ready to end it, is the worst.

BadTasteFlump · 06/02/2012 20:54

I would say definitely don't tell him you don't fancy him anymore - how is that going to help either of you?

Sounds like a cliche but I think you need to start small with just being a bit more affectionate to each other again - even just sitting next to each other on the sofa in the evening; anything to start you opening up to each other again. Sleeping in separate rooms can't help much either - do you need to sleep in separate rooms just because you don't always go to bed at the same time?

IMO if you still care about each other and are happy in each other's company, and neither of you have actually 'done' anything wrong, it's got to be worth putting a huge effort to try and get things on the right track again. Would it be worth suggesting going to counselling together?

Helltotheno · 06/02/2012 21:20

There's a world of difference between saying 'I don't fancy you any more' and 'At the moment, I just don't feel the same attraction, I think it's down to me and I'd like us to try and fix it etc etc'. There are ways of saying these things and it is what it is - it certainly won't improve by doing/saying nothing.

OP you've already more or less said above that you're going to stay for the kids anyway?

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 06/02/2012 21:40

OP please don't tell him you're not attracted to him anymore, it will be incredibly hurtful for him to hear and what good can possibly come of it. No one wants to hear that their partner finds them undesirable. My self esteem is not tied up in the way I look but I would be v hurt if my partner outright told me they were no longer attracted to me. I don't know if we could come back from it.

Diplomacy and sensitivity are far more important than being blunt for the sake of it.

KabelFlowerBed · 06/02/2012 21:54

I was like this. Was 29, had been with my H for 10 years and had 2 children together. Things had moved further and further away from a marriage and more towards 2 friends living together. He was my best friend and we were raising our DC's very much together but that was it. Life pootled along like this for a while until it felt one day like I just woke up and realised I was desperately unhappy and couldn't live like that forever.

I didn't know how to talk to him about it - I'm not good with my emotions really - so I wrote down how I was feeling in a letter. He felt the same it turned out. We went to relate with a view to seeing where it took us rather than to make everything better and it was really helpful.

We split up over 4 years ago. It was very amicable and we worked hard together to make it as easy for the DC's as possible. They adapted to it all very well and are very happy children. They have their moments of questioning about the divorce and why we split and there has obviously been some tears along the way but they know they are very much loved. I think keeping things amicable has played a big part in that.

How old are your children?

I don't know if sharing my experience helps at all but though I'd show you one way it can be. It was a hard journey but one I'm glad I did. Especially as I sit here next to my wonderful DP and 7 week old!

Ps....when I was going through all this someone said to look up about Saturn Return. I don't believe in the astrology type stuff but it was an interesting read!

supadebo · 06/02/2012 22:19

The Marriage Book has been really helpful to me. Has 22 great reviews on Amazon too.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/cr/1904074553/p=2/ref=aw_cr_p_books_n_1

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 08:38

There's no connection because you sleep in different rooms.
That's crazy.
No wonder there's no closeness.