Not attracted to DH anymore

[jaffacakesaddict]

When I read other people's problems on here I feel ashamed of myself for feeling this way, but I'm just not attracted to my DH of 11 years anymore and it's making me so miserable! We have 2 beautiful children who are the only reason I think we are still together. DH is such a good guy (works hard, great dad, kind to me) - I know most women would kill to have someone like him in their life - but we are more like housemates than a married couple.

We very rarely have sex, in fact there is no real affection between us - no hugs, kisses, holding hands etc. We sleep in separate rooms most nights as I go to bed much earlier than he does. I worry that I am setting a terrible example of what marriage is to my children!

I am so desperate to feel loved and wanted again. I miss having sex, I miss the romance and passion, I miss the desire on both sides. But I don't think I want it with DH. I am only 30 and feel like I am losing the best years of my life! We have tried to talk about this in the past but we don't seem to have got anywhere. I can't admit to him that I just don't fancy him anymore as I don't want to hurt him. I still have lots of respect for him and we get on perfectly well most of the time.

Basically, my marriage is not bad enough to justify tearing my family apart and ruining my children's lives but equally it's not good enough to make me happy anymore :( My parents had a very messy divorce when I was the same age as my DD and I can't bear the idea of inflicting that same misery on my children. I think DH and I got married too quickly when we were too young and now I am trapped!

Lots of couples don't share a bed 100% of the time and they're fine. Where you sleep has nowt to do with it, it's obvious they wouldn't be at it like rabbits even if they were in one bed cos she she doesn't fancy him any more.

I honestly don't get the sleeping in sep rooms thing. I love turning over in the middle of the night for a hug.

Tell you what, I'll loan you my dh for the night and if you can tolerate the snoring, various other eustachian tube-related noises, the hogging of your side of the bed, the pulling off of the quilt, the limbs akimbo.... well if you can tolerate all that, you're officially an extremely heavy sleeper

Yes I know lots of happy separate bed sleepers! In op's case, it mightn't be helping but it's not the root...

It sounds like you've completely lost touch with one another. It could still be salvageable. Why not go out on a date with him and just pretend like you don't know him? Ask him questions stuff you'd really like to know, and just listen to what he says. DH and I have been together for ten years and he still gives me tingles. I think part of the reason is that we never assume anything about each other we realise that we can change quite a lot over time and we keep in touch with each other. I ask him about what he thinks of various things like religion, education, tv shows, anything. Really listening to one another, having a good chat about something (not necessarily about the relationship) can make being together more fun again. It might be worth a try.

You are not alone alas. I too feel like this. Separate rooms, no sex since baby was concieved 2 years ago, no real connection, no social life together, just two people in a house with a dd.

I agree with the poster who said, once you stop desiring someone and lose that connection it's very hard to get back.

I would suggest maybe trying to look back to the past when you felt happier with your DH, what was is that you liked about him etc....try and remember those good things and see if you can still find them there now. It's worth trying everything you can.

However, sometimes people change, things change, feelings change and they can't be got back.

Hopefully you can find the right thing for all of you.

Ps And I totally agree with the other posters, don't tell him you don't fancy him anymore...that would be very hurtful to hear.

Have you thought about going to Relate by yourself? It may help you understand what's going on a bit better.

You need to work out if your marriage is basically sound but struggling from lack of intimacy (which involves more than sex), or whether you are so unhappy with your marriage that you no longer find your DH attractive. You may need a little help with working that out. Once you know, you'll be in a much better situation to work out whether you want - or can - fix things or whether it's time to call it a day.

I felt like this a few years ago - that I didnt fancy my DH any more. I chatted it through with a friend that had been with her DH for about 20 years and commented that you just didnt get that back once it was gone. She assured me that you did, that sometimes she and her DH couldnt stand the sight of each other, didnt fancy each other at all but you work through it and it does come back, its like a phase. Its one of the most valuable pieces of advice Ive ever received. Relationships are hard work and go through all sorts of phases but I knew mine was worth fighting for and we are still together with a beautiful dd 10 years on.

Im not saying that this will be the same for you, you will need to decide whether there is enough to salvage. We were always best friends, always had a laugh together, socialised together, were affectionate with each other for example. I do think if you are trying to reconnect that sleeping in seperate beds really wont be helping matters. How about taking an evening just for yourselves & going for a nice meal or drinks, maybe somewhere you used to enjoy when you first got together and just having a really frank and honest talk with him about how far youve grown apart.

Good luck
x

I like the idea of trying Relate alone, might help me sort my thoughts out. I know he's a great guy but when I think of all things that attracted me in the first place it was through the eyes of an 18 yr old, I'm harder to please these days!

just wanted to say thanks kabel for sharing that, I think you are brave and inspiring.

Aww, thanks emo :)

I follow these types of thread with interest because I have had periods of time when I felt I wasn't really physically attracted to my partner any more. I think it is worth weighing up the other positives in the relationship and how important they are for you. For instance, even if you were to split up, it might still be difficult to find someone you are attracted to and who offers all the other things that are important in a relationship. Think I agree with SimoneD - relationships go through ups and downs. I felt that my relationship with my partner had got very stale for quite a few years. Then recently he went away for a few weeks so I had a good opportunity to see how I got on without him. First few days were fine but by the second week I was really missing his company - a lot. I do sometimes find other men attractive, but I remind myself that physical attraction is relatively elusive (people change/grow older etc) whereas the type of personality characteristics that are important for a successful relationshiip (kind, dependable, good father etc) are a constant.