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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband makes me feel so anxious

55 replies

Jipjones · 05/02/2012 22:22

I'm so confused and I'm not sure what the best thing is to do so I was hoping for some advice. My dh has been really stressed with work at the moment and is almost manic when he gets home, he asks questions ns then talks over the top of me when I try to respond and isn't interested in anything that is happening in my life. I was helping him do something on the computer and I really calmly true to point out that he wasn't even letting me answer before asking another question and he just flipped started pacing back and forth and shouting 'I'm really stressed why do you have to say anything i know alim talking fast just dont say anything' then he strted saying i was trying to wind him up then he stormed out. He gets angry so quickly at the smallest things and I feel he is picking on anything in order to be able tO shout at me. Then he makes out it's me and I am being a bitch. I am treading on eggshells all the time as he has a habit of punching walls when he is really wound up. most of yesterday he ignored me apart from the odd "stupid bitch" as he walked past.

I've tried to speak to him but he says other people actually listen and he can't speak to me. Apparently his best friend and his girlfriend are much better listeners and says I am the cause of it all. Whenever we try to talk it ends up with him saying what a bad wife I am and how I don't keep the house tidy enough or that I'm moody and if it wasnt for me he wouldn't be stressed at all.

I know this is all a bit jumbled, I'm not really thinking Clearly. Is it normal for someone to act this way when they are stressed? I don't really think its my fault but everything is blamed on me.

OP posts:
PluckyButtocks · 05/02/2012 22:25

He has a girlfriend? Confused

Punching walls is physically intimidating and violent, and he is wrecking your emotional health, from what you describe.

Have you considered that you might be happier out of this relationship?

ISayHolmes · 05/02/2012 22:26

It's not at all normal for someone when stressed to call their partner a "stupid bitch" repeatedly as they walk by. Or to tell you not to talk. Or to punch walls as a habit. And to ignore everything in your life.

In my opinion if this appears it indicates something about their personality, and is a sign that something is very wrong with them on a fundamental level. Because no one should be treating their spouse like this under any circumstances and the fact that he thinks you're to blame for it is very troubling. He is treating you like SHIT and stress is no excuse for it.

LiarsWife · 05/02/2012 22:27

It is horrible having to pussyfoot round someone .. Has he always been like this or is it just recently?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/02/2012 22:28

I'm not terribly knowledgable about same, but might cocaine be involved?

ImperialBlether · 05/02/2012 22:30

Oh god how horrible for you, having to live with him. I think he needs medical help, to be honest. He shouldn't be like that. Has he always been the same?

FunnysInTheGarden · 05/02/2012 22:32

It all sounds a bit bonkers to me. And as *BOF says he has a GF? Confused

brandrethmupp · 05/02/2012 22:32

You've absolutely got to leave him.

toptramp · 05/02/2012 22:35

Er- get rid!
Seriously; he's an absolute looser. A gf? Shock

toptramp · 05/02/2012 22:35

He does sound mentally ill too; bipolar springs to mind.

bonnieslilsister · 05/02/2012 22:37

I think it is the best friends girl friend!

He sounds either mentally ill or on something.

RitaMorgan · 05/02/2012 22:38

I think it's the best friend's girlfriend?

Not normal at all. He sounds aggressive and abusive.

kikid · 05/02/2012 22:38

i think op means best friends girlfriend.
op is dh depressed?
can he see gp, ask best friends advice, do you have family to confide in?

ecstatica · 05/02/2012 22:40

I think the OP means girlfriend as in a girl (friend) and not a gf. Please correct me if i'm wrong.
I would doubt very much that this is Bipolar behaviour Hmm
Huge stress factor involved that he's obviously trying very hard to blame you for, guilty conscience perhaps?
How have you reacted? I'm sorry you have to go through this, don't!

Original poster
Jipjones · 05/02/2012 22:41

Thank you so much for your replies, it helps to know its not normal, I don't think it is easier but his explanation is that he is stressed. He hasn't always been like this we have been married for nearly 3 years and it seems like it is happening more and more often. We have a 2 year old who is adorable and very full of beans and I think he has been more stressed as he sees less of his friends and blames me for that.

I dont think cocaine is involved but He smokes weed pretty regularly. I don't know if that might be a self medicating thing?

He is just so angry and I don't understand why. I'm not the easiest person I can be moody but I don't think it justifies his responses. If I say something in a moody tone of voice/ facial expression he feels justified in saying the meanest things ie it's no surprise I have no friends and he has lots because I'm a spiteful person. And that can go on for days but that's ok because 'I started'

Part of me wants to leave and just get away from him but he says he is so stressed he feels his he'd will explode and I don't want to make everything worse for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Jipjones · 05/02/2012 22:42

Haha no girlfriend! Best friend's girlfriend:)

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 05/02/2012 22:45

Yeah but he's saying he's stressed because of you! He's horrible, OP. Let his head explode! (It won't of course - instead he'll be all nice and say he'll change and.....oh God, deja vue anyone?

Is this the life you'd planned for you and your 2 year old? Sad

brandrethmupp · 05/02/2012 22:46

You're not his punch bag. You're not responsible for his happiness. It's ok to leave an abusive situation and if following this he does explode it will not be your fault.

tallwivglasses · 05/02/2012 22:46

Even your facial expressions are wrong! It'll be the way you breathe next Sad Sad

ecstatica · 05/02/2012 22:48

If he's coming home from work like this than I doubt the weed would have much to do with his mood but I'm only speculating.
I'd say he is hiding something and treating you this way out of a guilty conscience but again, speculating, it's something that a friend went through. Oh and her poor DP wasn't getting enough attention at home but getting plenty everywhere else Hmm -- whatever his problem, you should be able to talk it through I guess, he has no right to treat you like that. Let him do it now and he'll walk all over you. You are not his mother. Make your boundaries clear and that you appreciate he is stressed and are there for him but will not tolerate what you already have. You don't punch walls and call him names if you've had a bad day with your LO or at work! (and blame him for it!)
Sending you a virtual hug x

MumblingFanjoChops · 05/02/2012 22:53

I think if it is at all possible for you to get counselling as a couple that would be great because it is not okay for your relationship to be like this, I don't know how easy it would be for you to suggest that to him at any point, but maybe it could help with his stress levels for work because it can't be nice for him either and it sounds hellish for you and I'm pretty sure soon your 2 year old will be affected by it. If he can go out for the evening with some friends for some down time (and some peace for you) that might be good. If none of this is possible I would say seriously consider how to get out of this relationship because you shouldn't be made to feel the way you do, nobody is completely easy to live with so even if you were feeling moody he shouldn't react that way! He should try to help you through your problems not make you suffer in some weird mental game! I hope you find the support you need to make a decision whatever it may be.

Original poster
Jipjones · 05/02/2012 23:06

I think I will try and talk to my parents tomorrow, I feel so panicky and shaky whenever he walks into the room and that's just not right. If it is me that is making him behave this way then it's probably better that we aren't together. I don't want this for my 2 year old

OP posts:
Original poster
Jipjones · 05/02/2012 23:09

Thank you so much all for responding, just sitting here waiting for him to come back. He has stormed off to his friends house again.

Ecstatica, do you really think someone else may be involved? Maybe he is making me out to be horrible to justify his not being faithful?

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 05/02/2012 23:15

No not a normal stress reaction, and not bipolar if he's 'normal' with other people and only like it with you. It's horrible to feel like you're walking on eggshells and to feel anxious when he's around. How would he react if you told him your marriage was in serious trouble and that you wanted to go and see someone professional? Because that is no way to live.

JaceyBee · 05/02/2012 23:16

yes talk to your parents, try not to make excuses for him and minimise his shitty behaviour too. Good luck.x

Lueji · 05/02/2012 23:17

His best friend's girlfriend?

Why are "they" the only ones that listen?
Why not just his best friend?

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