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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband makes me feel so anxious

55 replies

Jipjones · 05/02/2012 22:22

I'm so confused and I'm not sure what the best thing is to do so I was hoping for some advice. My dh has been really stressed with work at the moment and is almost manic when he gets home, he asks questions ns then talks over the top of me when I try to respond and isn't interested in anything that is happening in my life. I was helping him do something on the computer and I really calmly true to point out that he wasn't even letting me answer before asking another question and he just flipped started pacing back and forth and shouting 'I'm really stressed why do you have to say anything i know alim talking fast just dont say anything' then he strted saying i was trying to wind him up then he stormed out. He gets angry so quickly at the smallest things and I feel he is picking on anything in order to be able tO shout at me. Then he makes out it's me and I am being a bitch. I am treading on eggshells all the time as he has a habit of punching walls when he is really wound up. most of yesterday he ignored me apart from the odd "stupid bitch" as he walked past.

I've tried to speak to him but he says other people actually listen and he can't speak to me. Apparently his best friend and his girlfriend are much better listeners and says I am the cause of it all. Whenever we try to talk it ends up with him saying what a bad wife I am and how I don't keep the house tidy enough or that I'm moody and if it wasnt for me he wouldn't be stressed at all.

I know this is all a bit jumbled, I'm not really thinking Clearly. Is it normal for someone to act this way when they are stressed? I don't really think its my fault but everything is blamed on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jipjones · 05/02/2012 23:26

I know it is weird right? His best friend used to come over all the time, but he suddenly stopped 3 months ago and now my dh goes there instead(3/4 times a week) he lives around the corner. I'm not invited I stay home and look after the little one. Never invited or included. I've said to my husband and says not to be paranoid.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jipjones · 05/02/2012 23:28

Help...spiralling into paranoia !

OP posts:

bonnieslilsister · 05/02/2012 23:49

Poor you. Have been where you are and it is horrible. Xx

ChasTittyBeltUp · 05/02/2012 23:55

He sounds slightly manic to me....can you get him to see a doctor? HAve you spoken to anyone who knows him well to see if they have noticed anything?

windsorTides · 05/02/2012 23:58

I think if you knew the truth of where he disappeared to 3-4 times a week, the mystery would unravel. Maybe he's having an affair with his mate's girlfriend, or maybe he's seeing someone else and his mate disapproves/can't look you in the eye.

Original poster

Jipjones · 06/02/2012 00:08

I mentioned it to his mum and she said he used to come home from work and pace in the same way and have to just talk at top speed to get thing off his chest in quite a manic way. If it was just that I coul do that to help him unwind. It just seems he has to verbally attack me or make me feel ba to make himself feel better. He'll start with one thing I've done and if I deny/ argue then he moves on to something else. He is manic then too but he always feels it is my fault. He says he wasnt like this before he met me. I tried to say I thought he should see a doctor because he seems so agitated all the time and says he is stressed. He says he doesn't need to I just need to change and make hOme. 'haven' for him. He makes me feel I am such a bad person. Sorry for the self-pity trip and thank you so much for the sympathy. I jut feel so low and helpless. I really appreciate everyone's advice and viewpoints on it. Thankyou

OP posts:

ChickenLickn · 06/02/2012 00:26

Can you be out of the house when he comes home tomorrow? Let him let off steam on his own and you do something nice instead. You don't have to tell him what it is or involve him at all.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 06/02/2012 01:25

You can't fix this. Make plans to leave.

BayPolar · 06/02/2012 02:29

Yet another man who can't face up to the responsibilities of fatherhood and marriage.
It seems to be a common thread on here.

Maybe folks should take a leaf out of my book and not have kids unless they are 200% sure.
The same goes with getting married.

Abitwobblynow · 06/02/2012 07:14

This is emotional abuse.

Smoking weed is not good. Modern weed is absolutely linked to psychosis. I think you need to talk to a mental health professional.

If you are shaky and panicky, your flight reaction is telling you something. This is not good.
Leave, for your own peace of mind, for your child's safety, and to give him a wake up.

After that, you can start setting boundaries and working on being assertive/getting YOUR VOICE heard. Then you can talk about how you both are going to move on together. I think the smoking needs to go. Serious. You have a child now, any drug is bad news.

You have a lot of hard work ahead of you, good luck.

holly47 · 06/02/2012 07:21

I can't see what the benefit is of being with someone like this. Am shocked that he calls you a 'stupid bitch'...that's disgraceful. You don't need someone like this in your life.

CinnabarRed · 06/02/2012 07:36

BayPolar - no-one gets married or has children unless their absolutely certain - no-one expects for it to go wrong until it does. What a staggeringly unhelpful post.

CinnabarRed · 06/02/2012 07:38

They're

SensitivityChip · 06/02/2012 08:53

Having children is a life-changing event. You can be as sure as you like of someone beforehand but until you take the leap, you really have no idea how such a momentous change will affect them or indeed you.

OTheHugeManatee · 06/02/2012 09:23

Could he be having a breakdown? Times are very tough at the moment and there's been a major spike in stress-related breakdowns since the recession hit.

In stressful or frightening situations the human body produces cortisol, a hormone that tells the nervous system to temporarily inhibit everything except the parts of the sympathetic nervous system that can deal with the threat - such as sleeping, digestion, sex drive and the parts of the brain that make social interaction easy and pleasurable. When stress is prolonged these 'switches' can get stuck so that the person becomes unable to engage the parasympathetic nervous system, which enables rest, relaxation, recovery etc. Over time this can do serious damage to the overall organism. Symptoms can include poor sleep/night terrors, problems with short-term memory, restlessness, poor digestion, inhibited libido and unexplained/irrational bouts of rage or fear. If your DH has been under severe stress for a long time he may stuck in 'fight or flight' mode and physiologically incapable of relaxing or engaging with you, or switching off the parts of the nervous system that leave him swinging between jumpiness and aggression.

If this is the case then your DH needs to see a doctor pronto. If he continues trying to work through nervous sytem burnout he could be facing the human equivalent of a total operating system crash and six months to a year signed off work, not to mention doing irreparable damage to his relationship and family life.

I'm speaking from experience in this, as my DP had just such a nervous breakdown and it nearly destroyed our relationship. Fortunately he figured out what was happening just in time and took steps to address the breakdown. I don't want to minimise the fear and distress this is causing (when it happened to DP I was alternately frightened, outraged, hurt and appalled by his outbursts and bizarre behaviour) but just wanted to add this as another dimension, alongside the responses you've already had that have focused on how upsetting this is for you.

2T2T · 06/02/2012 09:23

OMG - my dh was exactly like this. he was highly stressed, manic, wild mood swings etc. Slamming doors, aggressive, always teh victim etc. It was horrid living like that, especially for our dc's. He was suffering from depression and was an alcoholic - though he was a functioning alcoholic until it got the better of him. He died 22 months ago but it still gives me chills when I remember how things were.

TheRealMBJ · 06/02/2012 09:29

This sounds very, very familiar to me and I urge you to get him to see his GP and perhaps even speak to the GP yourself and get a psych referral urgently. It could be many things but it sounds like a manic episode which could very well be triggered by stress

nizlopi · 06/02/2012 09:40

Punching walls and calling you a stupid bitch.

Leave.

MsF1t · 06/02/2012 09:53

Ah, BayPolar- again with the sensitive, well-thought out responses. Honestly, now- do you just open your mouth and let your belly rumble.. or are you just a feeble troll?

(OP, sorry for your troubles. Sounds like it could be may things, but none of them are good news for you. Could be the thin end of the wedge of far more serious behaviour- could you kick him out for at least a 'trial separation' while he attends anger management or something?)

pictish · 06/02/2012 10:00

He punches walls, calls you names and blames you for everything that goes wrong in his life.
What an entitled, aggressive, abusive prick.

I think you need to disentagle yourself from this horrible man, who has absolutely no respect for you, without delay.

cestlavielife · 06/02/2012 10:41

if he is going to explode he needs to do so away from you and DS.
please tell him - he leaves, gets help then you talk.
you are not repsonsible for his strees or how he deals with him
my exP used to sya all the time i needed to do more for him etcetc. that iw as cause of his issues.

they blame whoever is nearest - you and ds need to get him away from you.

one day the punch to wall might be ds's head.

dont put up any more.
ultimatum - he goes to gp and seeks help or he leaves - but infact better he leaves stays with his mum and gets help so you and ds can live in pece

if he refuses to get hlep well is his choice but you can change tour reaciton to his choices ie you get him to leave

you need TO start reacting next time he paces / punches things - ie you ask him to leAve the house
if he does not or refuses then you pick up Ds and go to friend/relative etc.

you can also start calling 999 and asking for polcie and/or ambulance when he behaving oddly

OTheHugeManatee · 06/02/2012 11:07

OP - it does sound as though your DH needs to see a doctor. I agree with those who have said that you need to issue some kind of ultimatum too. DP only got his act together when I made it absolutely clear that it was either that or the end of the relationship. We weren't living together at the time, which I suppose made that easier in a way, and I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be given that you and he are in the same home. But what worked for me was a combination of being clear about what wasn't acceptable and offering some help in terms of getting him the right medical/support attention.

I know I'm banging on about this but if he's got a stress-related nervous system problem I can't emphasise enough how important it is that he see a doctor as soon as possible or he may do himself (and his family) permanent damage.

Hardgoing · 06/02/2012 11:14

Not normal at all if you feel like this regularly, and absolutely not nice for your little one. Please do talk to your family and get some outside perspective, and please don't sit there and put up with this when you don't have to- could you go to them for a while? This sounds horrible, a totally horrible way to live (and you don't have to live like this).

Rhinestone · 06/02/2012 11:24

Quite honestly he sounds dangerous and I think you need to think seriously about leaving. The punching of walls and vernal abuse is absolutely enough for you to call the police. If you don't want to take that step yet then try Women's Aid.

Contrary to popular liberal belief, weed is NOT safe. He sounds like he has a serious drug habit / is a serious asshole or a mixture of both.

This is NOT normal - if you love someone then you don't treat them the way he is treating you. Sorry OP but I'm very worried about your safety. PLEASE talk to someone and ask yourself this - if you had a daughter and you found out her husband was treating her like this, how would you feel and what advice would you give?

Rhinestone · 06/02/2012 11:31

And by 'leaving', I actually mean you should stay in your home and he should leave - you have done nothing wrong!

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