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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help save my marriage

33 replies

shorty80 · 23/01/2006 00:26

ok heres the scoop, hubby said that he dont wanna be married anymore, so he has us leave, i told him that he needs counseling n he says nope itll make me more mad, so we have a 3 yr old n a 17 month old and wed is our 5 yr anniversary, n im in another state n his family is brainwashing him so he wont let me n the kids back what do i do??? i need my family back together

OP posts:
waterfalls · 23/01/2006 00:47

He kicked you and the kids out on the street??? I would'nt want to go back, any bloke who does'nt put his kids first is not good enough for me.

And brainwashing?? He is a fullt grown man able to make his own decisions.

Sorry, but I would move on, show him you dont need him, and leave him to swallow in his own self pity.

Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 01:11

well not kicked us out but he wanted us to leave well atleast me, but he knows that im taking the kids with so my mom got us tickets to colorado then to georgia, i still love him , he has my heart, im hoping space is all he needs, im a wreck my daughter is a wreck

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Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 01:15

I feel for you Shorty. Having tough time with DH at the moment too. Found out he was having an affair just after arriving in US in Colorado!!!! Giving him second chance but it's hard work. I love him so much yet I don't think he can see how he's still hurting me at the moment. If you need someone to talk to over here let me know!!!!!!! I think you should insist on counselling for your children's sake. Thinking of going down the same route myself. Have two ds's 4 and 2.5. Be strong, we have to be for our children. After all their happiness is also paramount.

Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 01:21

Seen your post on another thread. If he's in the Army can't you get support from network there to force counselling. There is such a recognisable illness as Gulf War syndrome even if we're talking Iraq 2 here!!! Sounds like he doesn't realise what he's losing. Can I ask are you American??? If all else fails perhaps he needs a shock. Surely he would miss the children if he were never to see them again.

Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 01:23

do u think that we will end up back together wed will be our 5 yr anniversary n hes undecided if he wants us to come back help

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Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 01:26

Okay he says he loves you and I'm sure he loves the children too. Why can't you ask him to take vacation has he one coming UP and then go away minus kids I'm sure someone would look after them and work it out together. Put down your positives and negatives for staying in the relationship and see which comes out on top. For me its positives even if I do feel like jacking it all in sometimes, today being one of them. Sounds like you need quality him and you time, minus kids. I don't think any man realises what a child does to a relationship. Did he have a really bad experience in iraq? Listen got to get the kids in bed will be back in about 30 mins. We'll chat more then!!

Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 01:55

he says that hes not sure if he still loves me or not,but he said that he cares for me, he still has my heart, n i love him after all this, why cause weve had our good times and our bad but i cant just cant give him up

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Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 02:21

now he told my friend that he loves his kids but he cant stand being with me anymore, i cant take this anymore what the heck do i gotta do to get my family back together????

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Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 02:29

he said he didnt but that post tramaic stress disorder it can come up years later, and i really believe that war messed him up but hes in denial n blaming me for everything that happened and weve been going down hill slowly since then then he got outta the army last aug n we moved to oregon n stayed with his parents which wasnt a great idea but according to him im the problem, im so hurt over all this what can i do my daughter is crying for daddy

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Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 02:41

Oh god, sounds like we're both in the same boat. Just had similiar blame conversation with my DH. Sounds to me like PTSS. If all else fails perhaps some time apart would be good for you both!!! Sounds like his parents are getting in the way, can't you get him on his own. Where abouts in CO are you by the way??

Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 02:53

iwas at fort carson staying with a friend but im in georgia now we left out this morn, i cant get hubby alone, hes in oregon n im in georgia, im waiting on him to eamil my friend back, she askd him does he want a divorce, but really i dunno that he knows what he wants, weve only been gone since yesterday

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Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 02:59

Sounds like you should give him a few days. Could you leave the children and go and see him alone in a neutral place perhaps back to Fort Carson!!! Needs to be neutral ground and talk through all his issues with you . Won't be nice I know going through it myself at the moment - hate it. Makes me feel second class citizen, but if you like me feel that it's worth fighting for then it probably needs to be done. Then you can work out a reconciliation plan. If the outcome is still negative then see what he thinks to never seeing his kids again. Short sharp shock treatment - he should know what that's like.

Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 03:05

somethings gotta give, he said well i love the kids but u know s**t happens, i hope he dont want a divorce, if so he will never see his kids again, i wish i was still in colorado its so pretty there but my friends hubby is in iraq right now and shes going through her own stress n i think i was stressing her out so my mom got me n the kids tickets back to georgia, i hate it here and my moms like face it he dont love you he dont want you, i dont need to be here, i cant stand living with her ive been outta the house sice i was 17 ill be 26 next month we just dont get along and hubby wanted me n the kids here well i got news for him screw that and as soon as i find a place to go im outta here

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Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 03:08

plus he wont talk to me, hes going through what everyone says a selfish stage so i dont know what to believe he e mailed my mom n said that he cant be married to me anymore, a week beofe our 5 yr anniversary everything has gone bad, whats ur e mail addy, ill send u all the e mails that i have from him

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Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 03:08

Girl remember we're strong women and you've had to do so much without him being there. Put you and kids first - your happiness means they'll be happy too and if as you say S**t happens you'll be there for them and that's just as important. Listen my email is alison dot smits at btinternet dot com Let's keep in touch.

Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 03:15

i know but it hurts and i dont want my kids to go without there daddy, i wish someone would knock sense into his hard head, he dont realize whats hes lost

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Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 03:18

hes outta the army now he got out last aug, so theres nothing they can do now plus he was over in iraq when the war 1st started in 03

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Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 03:19

has he got a best friend who you get on with who could help you???

Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 03:22

not off hand i really dont know his new friends, the ones who he works with, so im stuck

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Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 03:28

What about ex-army buddies?

Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 03:34

since hes been outta the army he hasnt really talked to any of his friends that were in with him exceot for my friends hubby and he saying that he cant do it anymore, so i dont know , but that was before me n the kids left so what should i do give him his space??? did u get the e mails??

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Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 03:35

what does it sound like to you ???? with the e mails, i cant loose my husband, i couldnt go on any longer without him , pur kids look like him n its breaking my heart, but he dont care, seems like

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Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 03:36

Yep got the email reading it now!!! Give hime space then give him ultimatum. Will be back in a minute

Original poster
shorty80 · 23/01/2006 03:36

okie dokie

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Alipiggie · 23/01/2006 03:43

Right, think you've got the same kind of s**t to deal with that I have. Give hime the space. Send him quick polite email telling him that and that you love him and let him know he can always have contact with the kids during the break from each other. Then leave it at that. Take a deep breathe and now think of you and the kids. Guess like me you've given everything to the kids and him over the last five year!!! Perhaps he's feeling suffocated now. So you need to go and do things for yourself. You mentioned study. Go and find yourself something that you really want to study. Can be done online/part/time/ distance. Arrange for your mum I know this is the hard bit to help look after the kids. Perhaps get a part-time job. First thing is to get your SELF-RESPECT back. He'll admire you for that. Don't beg/don't push. And yes I'm going to be following my own advice too. Oh and by the way I'm 40 and in the US on a visa which means I can't work. Bummer. But hey doesn't mean that I can't start making alife for myself. Now remember deep breath and take that break.