asked 'd'h to turn off heating for a bit, he smashed the kitchen door. its not the only one in bits...

[yummytummy]

am just numb and upset and stunned.

h has been very crap lately but things had recently been better or so i thought.

anyway i know there was snow and yes it was cold but the heating had been on since 8am ish and i was boiling. got to 12pm and i said can we just turn it off for a bit. had said look i am just wearing a thin top. he started ranting we have got kids with colds you are so selfish blah blah blah. if you are so cold go in the kitchen. then he slammed the kitchen door so hard all the glass on the inside panes smashed.

ds was sitting nearby at his table eating lunch. luckily he didnt get hurt. but obv got a fright then dd started crying. and then just at that time i started having a nosebleed.

anyway he then stormed off. i took the kids upstairs and tried to calm them. then i just said that was really not on at all we should have been able to reach a compromise somehow. then i just got well i am sick of you dont talk to me i am so sick of it and fed up you never listen to me and i get fed up. i said well you need to go clean your mess up. then he did clear up the glass and temporarily fixed the door. then said i am going to work and stormed off. this was at 2pm. he has just come back now and is ignoring me.

i have just carried on with kids routine as would have done normally.

anyway i just dont know where to turn from here. i do now believe things cant really be sorted from here as i felt for the first time that kids were at risk.

but what to do i am sahm and not earning. he pays mortgage and everything else.

just upset and tired of this type of life. this isnt normal behaviour is it? or should i just put it down to a bad day and move on?

he wont ever apologise or accept his mistake but i can tell he feels bad. he will just calm down and act normal in a day or two and if i dare to bring it up or discuss it then will get told to stop stressing him out and going on about it and go away.

well i think it is best that me and the kids do go far away for a long time.

anyway helps to get it out.

am just so upset that the only snow day we get and he ruined it. well not totally i still went out and did snowman etc with ds but it would have been nice to do it all togther like a normal family whatever that is.

thanks for listening anyway.

Have you got family you could go and stay with whilst you sort out finances?

i have but would rather not. dont have the best relationship at the best of times

I would tell him to sleep on the sofa until he was ready to apologise to you and explain to your ds that he was angry and what he did wa wrong

I feel you know him best, and the only thing that springs to my mind is tha you should go to him and talk to him; about his behaviour, how scared your DS was and everything you are feeling...good luck! keep calm, keep yourself n kids safe!

If it's often like this, then I do think you should make plans to leave. It's no way to live, being unable to talk about issues and him slamming around aggressively.

If you're married, you have claims on the assets such as the house. He would be expected to contribute to the children's upkeep and you'd be eligible for various benefits/tax credits. I'd look up the entitled to website to get some idea and perhaps have a chat with a family law solicitor. You don't have to do anything with the information you get, knowledge will help you either stand up to him or get out if that's what you want.

It sounds very much like this is the last straw. If you are frightened you could go to a refuge, you could ask him to move out, you can tell him that the relationship is over and you will now be living seperately within the same house (you can then claim benefits as a single parent and claim maintenance from him but you need to live completely seperate - food, washing, etc etc etc)

thanks for replies. i think i will definitely gather info, talk to a solicitor etc. does it have to be one specialising in family law? god its so crap but i cant live on edge all the time waiting for next explosion. cant forget the sight of poor ds's face. he seems ok now but who knows what damage is being done?

this may sound like a daft question but do kids really suffer without having a dad around all the time? most of time he never acts like this in front of kids. he is very good with them.

No, they suffer far, far, far more from having crazy violent outbursts like this. It won't get better; you really need to get out, or to get him out - before the children are damaged.

Good luck.

Go to cab about financial housing etc advice and rights.

is cab citizens advice? can you just drop in or have to make an appt? would i have to pay? also with lawyers etc would i get some kind of legal aid? have zero income atm.

So, he acts like this when the kids are not around?

And he has started doing it now...

You know where this is heading... And it will get worse.

In our case, life at home and DS has been better without ex.

To be fair, he slammed a door, he didn't smash the kitchen door (as in put his fist through it). No matter how hard you slam an internal door that glass shouldn't smash like that.

He did seem concerned about keeping the kids warm when they aren't well - it's not like he was walking around in boxers making you keep the house warm for his comfort.

Do you 'tell' him what to do, do you treat him like one of the kids? Is there any truth in what he's saying? All things to consider before you leave him IMO.

He slammed a door - it's hardly a crazy violent outburst

Oh Yummy..so sad for you....he won't get better unless he wants to...and they seldom do....

Don't rush and stay safe. thinking of you Op
have a look at the domestic abuse information on the women's aid website and here.
You are being treated badly, you are being frightened in your own home and in front of your children.

Suggest you get some knowledge and do a safety plan (see women's aid) and plan to get him out of your life.

Yes your solicitor does need to be a specialist in family law get one that is part of Resolution so you get good advice and representation. many will do a first interview for free.

and if you have some RL support than all to the good..give Women's aid a ring and (eventually) they will get you a support worker to help guide you through the decision making process.

If you are a reader then "Why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft is the nearest thing to a perfect text that I have found.here

chippingin no i dont tell him what to do or treat him like the kids at all. it was just a simple request he could have responded like an adult rather than slam a door.

would you consider throwing a chair at the wall a violent outburst? smashing a full coffee mug and milk bottle on the floor? sad but true.

am jus so stuck.

foolonthehill thanku for that advice will look at your links when feel less shocked.

Go into a refuge? Because her DH slammed a door? WTAF??

I'm with chipping on this. There is nothing in the OP to suggest this is domestic abuse!

he wont ever apologise or accept his mistake

Alarm bells...

Citizen's advice is time consuming and you usually need a gateway interview...which you wait in line for before getting the appointment with a specialist.

it may be quicker to look at some stuff first at www.entitledto.co.uk/ and at the government website here and money saving expert <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/url?url=www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/&rct=j&sa=X&ei=7douT-DYEuqs0QWjpvmtCA&sqi=2&ved=0CGMQ6QUoADAH&q=entitled+to&usg=AFQjCNEK_mOI1f2ajxEoP3qU4bzlYXNLzg" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here. if you want a general overview, and you do not have to work until your youngest is 5 at present.....

Ok if he regularly does things like this then it's a little different.

Is this the first time he's done it in front of the kids?

Apple, this isn't a one-off but part of a pattern, as you'll see if you read the OP's posts, and it's escalating.
OP, well done for realising you need to take action now before it gets even worse.

Breathe and breathe Yummy...
I think it is such a shock when we actually see what we have put up with and excused (for me it was when he did it to the dog rather than to me!!!!) Unless you/your DCs are in imminent danger you have time to gather your wits and to make calm and rational decisions.

applepie I didn't see anyone telling the op to go to a refuge, although that is always an option where violent outbursts are happening in a home. I think the suggestion was to gain information and then make rational decisions based on that information.

you will get through this and will make the right decisions for you and your children.

If we can help we will.....

Sorry, apple, x-posted.

thanks foolonthehill. it is hard to gather wits. i just wish he would come and hug me and say sorry and realise how bad this is. but i have to accept that will never happen. he will sit and sulk as if i have done something wrong then i end up feeling bad and trying to calm him for the sake of a semi peaceful environment. its so not fair and i hate it!

just wish someone could come and give me a hug.

helps to talk no-one in rl would believe me as he is loved by everyone and in a professional respected job.

RandomMess 18.56 suggested a refuge.

Smashing a full coffee cup and bottle of milk on the floor - quite different to slamming a door (and not in your posts). If he's like this then yes, you do need to get out, or get him out :(

[You see, when I step back and try not to say 'leave the bastard' without seeing what can be done first, it's still wrong, might as well stick to my gut instinct! Sorry YummyTummy]

"They" often look like perfect people outside the home...don't worry, the people who have been there will recognise what you are saying and experiencing, and you might be surprised who they are!

s'alright. i too wish i didnt have to 'leave the bastard'

am very confused as i still love him even when he does these things as i feel sad that he feels sp much pain and anger that he feels it makes him behave this way? been together a long long time and through lots of stuff. so hard.