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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pressure for sex making me depressed?

32 replies

makemineamerlot · 05/02/2012 18:06

I have been married for 14 years (second time for both of us). My DH told me when we met that his first marriage had broken down mainly because his wife didn?t want to have sex with him after the birth of their second child. He said she repeatedly told him to leave her alone and find someone else to have sex with.
As a contractor who works away from home all week, he had plenty of opportunity to take her advice and effectively set up home, Monday to Friday, with OW on other side of the country. He has hinted that he did this with a subsequent OW.
When his wife found out she was enraged and threw him out and divorced his for adultery. He says he was amazed at her reaction as she had ?told him to find someone else.?
I have met her on several occasions and I know she had severe post natal depression after her last child. The whole family spent time in a residential family therapy unit to try and address their problems, but she kept running away. She has told me she always felt guilty about not wanting sex with him.
In recent years we have had a series of problems ? bereavements, trouble with adult children (we are not young).
On many occasions DH has told me that if I didn?t want sex with him he would find someone who does. He says sex is the most important thing in marriage. I seem to have become gradually very depressed and have lost interest in many of the things I used to enjoy. We argue all the time, mainly because I feel so guilty about my lack of desire.
So, I feel as though DH WANTS me to say ?go ahead then, have sex with someone else.? I don?t think he has done so but I sometimes feel as though history is repeating itself.
Obv I only have his side of the story in any detail and DH is a good man in many ways. The thing is I feel so bad about myself most of the time and am becoming irritable and snappy with DH.
Sorry to ramble on, but thanks for listening.

OP posts:

Original poster

makemineamerlot · 05/02/2012 18:07

Sorry about all the ?s. Problem with keyboard.

OP posts:

Minimammoth · 05/02/2012 18:11

Get professional help. You can get sex counselling, try Relate, on your own at first. Then maybe with your H. Talk about it rather than just leaving your H to find what he sees as a solution that suits him, but takes no account of your needs.

Earlybird · 05/02/2012 18:12

How frequently do you have sex atm?

How often would he like it?

How often would you like it?

SardineQueen · 05/02/2012 18:22

I'm not surprised you are depressed TBH, living with someone like this.

From the sound of it I very much doubt that his ex wife actually told him to have sex with other people, or if she did in the grips of post-natal depression she didn't mean it and he knew that full well.

I don't know what to advise but his behaviour towards you is unreasonable, as it was to his ex-wife. The reasonable thing to do would be to discuss with you what is going on, how you are both feeling, what can be done to improve matters and so on. Threatening you with going elsewhere is an awful thing to do.

Sorry I don't know what to advise.

SardineQueen · 05/02/2012 18:24

Does he ever talk about it in a reasonable way? What does he say if you say you don't want sex at that time, when he is up for it?

windsorTides · 05/02/2012 18:30

So his modus operandi is to threaten women with infidelity, shag around when they're vulnerable and depressed and assert that sex is the most important thing in a marriage, as though this were a universal fact and not the opinion of a very shallow and cruel man?

You don't need sex therapy. Your response is quite normal.

You don't need to stop being irritable and snappy with him - if anything these are under-reactions to living with someone who is this entitled and cruel.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

AttillaTheMum · 05/02/2012 18:45

What a nob. So he waits until his wife is depressed and rather than trying to help her HE ensures HE gets what HE wants disregarding her feelings

What do you get from this man?

Original poster

makemineamerlot · 05/02/2012 18:47

Thanks everyone for your comments. TBH I feel guilty about sharing all this. We haven't had sex for some time, because I don't want to. We were having sex regularly (he's only home at weekends) when he started saying these things. The way I feel now is that I don't care if I never have sex again. Not fair on him I know. I suppose I need to get some help with feeling so depressed.

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AttillaTheMum · 05/02/2012 18:50

Why would you feel guilty? he is manipulating you to get what he wants and ignoring you. Marriages work if you put the other person first. But only if you both do that. It seems you are putting him first and he is also putting hisself first

AttillaTheMum · 05/02/2012 18:51

Also you are not having sex because of what he said. If I have understood you correctly then your sex life was fine when he said he would go elsewhere

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 05/02/2012 18:53

I am pretty certain your sex drive would return and your depression disappear without him in your life. He sounds awful - manipulative, narcissistic, disrespectful and generally cruel. No wonder you feel the way you do.

And don't worry about fair to him. He's not affording you the same concerns. Seriously I would be looking for a way out of the relationship and then he can have sex with whom ever he likes.

SardineQueen · 05/02/2012 18:54

The fact that he started saying these things when you were having regular sex means that it has nothing actually to do with you / your sex life. Please don't feel guilty. He's not being kind to you.

What does he say about you feeling depressed / about your current lack of a sex life?

Original poster

makemineamerlot · 05/02/2012 19:14

He has stopped saying anything about it much but I know he feels unhappy about the situation. Not sure what to do about all this as I know it's his attitude to sex that's turned me off. He has actually hinted that if I were more accommodating he would be more inclined to consider the new cooker/holiday/whatever. Makes me feel as though I am not good value for money - I earn very little, he earns a great deal.
However, he has been a great stepdad to my son, is a good dad to his own DC and as a survivor of two abusive relationships, I feel that I should be grateful for the good things he is.

OP posts:

windsorTides · 05/02/2012 19:14

Yes but this comes back to his highly manipulative MO.

In both marriages he wanted to have sex with other people, so he set about sabotaging the relationships with his wives, treating them horribly and making them feel so worthless that they sank into understandable depression - and then had the manipulative gall to get you both to take the blame for it.

I'd guess that neither of you would have become depressed if you hadn't been in a relationship with him.

But he would have always had sex with other people.

windsorTides · 05/02/2012 19:16

Oh dear, I've just seen your last post.

You settled for a man who appeared to be better than the last two abusers OP.

Instead you were a magnet for one that was just as bad. This is often what happens. Abusers are able to target women who have had bad experiences and convince them that they should be 'grateful'.

Lueji · 05/02/2012 19:37

I agree with the others. It is a form of abuse.

Feeling pressure and "obligation" to have sex turned my sex drive down. I'm not surprised yours did too. :(

SardineQueen · 05/02/2012 19:45

"He has actually hinted that if I were more accommodating he would be more inclined to consider the new cooker/holiday/whatever. "

Oh this is just awful. I really feel for you.

I think he sounds horrible but with DCs and 14 years marriage, I don't know what to suggest.

Do you love him?

ledkr · 05/02/2012 19:51

The problem is the more he puts presure on you the less turned on you are likely to feel.He is acting in a way that would turn off any woman its not you op but im not sure what to advise you to do sorry.

Original poster

makemineamerlot · 05/02/2012 20:00

I know no one can advise anyone else what to do. I think it helps to write down how it feels and read other people's responses though. I always wrestle with the 'is it just me?' question so thanks for all your support.

OP posts:

TooEasilyTempted · 05/02/2012 20:00

My DH told me when we met that his first marriage had broken down mainly because his wife didn?t want to have sex with him after the birth of their second child.

In fairness to your husband he's been honest with you from the start about what he wants/expects from a relationship. You had the choice to take it or leave it.

At this point, I think you should leave him it.

windsorTides · 05/02/2012 20:59

You see, I often think the length of time married and the presence of DCs ought to be more of a motivation to leave - not stay with - someone's who's abusive and manipulative. The prospect of getting older with someone like this is horrifying and I'd rather get out while I was still young and healthy enough to enjoy life. But more importantly than that, living with someone with these attitudes has such a corrosive effect on children. This sounds so ingrained in him that it's impossible for it not to leak out and contaminate impressionable kids. He'll bring boys up to believe that their right to sex is more important than absolutely anything else and girls to be frightened that if they don't give in to a man's demands and threats, he will leave them. They'll also learn that sex is something that should be bartered in exchange for 'treats' or what every woman wants ......a new cooker.

Charlotteperkins · 05/02/2012 22:37

It sounds like he's blackmailing you.

Are you considering divorce or are you not there yet?

BertieBotts · 05/02/2012 22:55

"As a survivor of two abusive relationships, I feel that I should be grateful for the good things he is."

Have you ever had therapy to help you get over your abusive relationships? I really hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but although your current relationship may not be abusive, you are certainly following old patterns by feeling you should be grateful, or by allowing any sort of attempted control or manipulation (which this is) into your life at all.

I agree that him saying his first marriage broke up due to lack of sex was a red flag - the (pretty clear) sign was there and you did not see it, which is NOT your fault, but again points to signs that you still have some underlying issues which need dealing with relating to your previous relationships and/or your own thought patterns which left you vulnerable to them in the first place.

Just for some perspective. DP and I go through periods of little or no sex, either me because I'm tired or stressed or him because he's tired and/or ill, or because our work/sleep schedules don't match up for a while. He sometimes asks if I'm in the mood for sex, and I'll say no, and he'll say "Okay" and totally accept it with no questions. Even if it has been months. He would never ever pressure me for sex or take it personally if I did not feel like sex, because he understands that sex is something you really have to want to do, for it to be enjoyable, and he would not dream of having sex with me, if I was not 100% enjoying and into it. Conversely, at times we are at it like rabbits and again, the difference in frequency is never a problem. I have never felt like I "owed" him sex or that he was frustrated with me if we are suddenly not having as much as we used to. We've stopped halfway through before, either because I said "Actually, I'm not getting into this," or because he noticed that I wasn't really getting into it, and wanted to ask if something was wrong. This is as it should be. This is what a healthy sexual relationship looks like. I, too, stayed for months (years? It's hard to tell where the pressure began) in a relationship where I was pressurised to have sex and it ended up feeling like a chore. I thought it was normal, and I had a problem, but it is not. You deserve better. Whether you will get better from him, I don't know, but I think it is doubtful :( because he has already shown you that to him, sex is all about his needs and whether he is getting enough, and it doesn't matter to him if you want to do it or not, or why that might be, he believes that it is his right, as a Man In A Relationship. I'm sorry.

SardineQueen · 06/02/2012 07:51

windsortides what I meant really was that I know exactly what to suggest but suggesting it over a website to someone after they have written about 4 posts and when they have been married for 14 years and have children feels a bit strong straight off the bat.

Original poster

makemineamerlot · 06/02/2012 08:10

Sardine - as I said before, I don't really expect people to suggest anything, just to write what they think.
Bertie - I have had therapy over the years and I can see the patterns (with hindsight). I think I just boomeranged into a relationship with a 'kind' man who didn't yell, lash out or insult my DS.
I was sexually exploited as a child, my father was emotionally distant and constantly belittled me (he is now dead). My first DH drank and physically attacked me and my last long-term relationship was with a man I loved very much but who abandoned us. He too had been married and I am now friends with his ex-wife, a social worker who he also abused and eventually abandoned.
Not saying this to get sympathy, it's just facts.
Apart from my son I have no other family, few friends and no real income of my own. I am terrified of being on my own as I get older (I am in my 50s).
I keep thinking if I can feel happier/appreciate DH more, then things might yet turn out OK. I do see my predicament as MY problem. After all DH is still there.

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