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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Only last week I was happy this week its all gone so, so wrong.

73 replies

havebeendumped · 05/02/2012 17:54

No massive details, only want to get it out.

I was seeing someone, not seriously but getting on well. He has not been in contact for a few days now, unusual for us but hey thats fine if thats how he wants it go, he doesn't owe me anything.

However having had sex with him (first time I had sex in three years) used a condom, took the MAP (thats how paranoid I am) it appears that I am now late and possibly pregnant. I already have two dc, one of whom is disabled. I cannot have another child, it really is as simple as that.

So I am in my late thirties and this is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen. Can't and won't tell him, its just not that kind of "relationship".

Not sure what I want anyone to say but I am scared to death and having to make some awful decisions and I am terrified.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 12:57

I haven't had a termination, but have certainly been in some situations where I would have considered it as an option.

In my humble opinion, I agree it seems best in your situation and I am really sorry you have been put in this situation through no fault of your own. I hope the process is as easy for you as it can be, and that you look after yourself well x

lubeybooby · 07/02/2012 13:21

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I've had condom and MAP failure (yes ANOTHER useless MAP experience!), BUT the condom breakage was very, very obvious and happened just at the wrong time. I honestly thought that if you hadn't noticed any breakage plus the MAP, you would definitely be fine. How wrong I am.

Anyway I got the MAP asap and it said on the box if no period within 10 days from taking it, contact your doctor. It had been a while with no period so I found and looked at the date on the box, it had been 2 weeks. I got a test and it was positive. My DD was only 5 months old at the time, I was only 17 and I had pretty bad PND so I just couldn't do it and had a termination. It's an awful experience and I'm really sorry you are facing the same choice.

garlicfrother · 07/02/2012 13:37

Oh, no, poor you! No, of course you have thought about it an know what's right. I'm glad you've got real-life friends for support, and I hope your doctor's helpful.

Look, I am the only woman I know in RL who hasn't had a termination - and it turned out I had fertility problems! (I thought I was so careful, huh!) I think it feels like a bigger deal since the MAP became available, but before then it really wasn't that big of a deal. Not a pleasant option, to be sure, but safe and practical. Thank goodness it's available.

Wishing you as smooth a ride as possible. x

Clownsarescary · 07/02/2012 14:17

OP wishing you strength and will be thinking of you. Take good care and don't beat yourself up over this. You are taking responsibility and have taken responsibility of the situation. You can't do better than that.

tanfastic · 07/02/2012 15:18

Op so sorry you find yourself in this situation, as I said earlier I had a similar experience a few years ago, slipped off condom, map immediately = pregnant. I'd only had sex once that month as well. Anyhow I had a medical termination on the nhs as soon as was medically possible ( six weeks from memory). It wasn't nice at the time but it wasn't as bad as I was expecting and was over and done with pretty quickly. I have never ever had any regrets about my decision. I went on to meet someone else, got married and had a child.

Sounds like you have supportive friends, unfortunately mine weren't and I ended up having to go to the clinic on my own. Make sure someone goes with you for support if that's at all possible.

tanfastic · 07/02/2012 15:26

I was told by one of the counsellors at the clinic that MAP failure is pretty common. I thought it would be of you took it a couple of days after but surely these things should work within 12 hours? I was totally shocked when mine didn't work.

Helltotheno · 07/02/2012 15:56

MAP is v unreliable. My DS was a MAP pregnancy and I know loads of others who took it and it failed.

OP will you tell the dad?

You need to do the best thing for you and your fam.. best of luck op...

Original poster

havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 16:07

Thanks for your supportive messages, it helps so much.

I wasn't planning on telling the Dad, I can't see that it would add anything positive to this situation at all. The outcome will be the same, only with two people being stressed out and upset rather than one. He started texting again over the last couple of days but I just can't see what good it would do to tell him. Am I wrong? It just makes the whole thing seem a million times worse. I don't want a big fuss about it. This is the way it has to be so its best just to get on with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 16:09

tanfastic I am sorry you had to go through it alone. I was all ready to actually but luckily my friend stepped up. I have to say that her saying that took an immense amount of the worry away.

OP posts:

kodachrome · 07/02/2012 16:17

Tbh, if you are certain about what you will do, then no, I wouldn't involve the man.

Would it make a difference if he wanted to make a go of it with you and have the baby? If not, then he doesn't need to know.

If it would, maybe you should tell him and give him that opportunity, but if you don't think there's a chance he'd want that, then really it wouldn't help anyone to let him know.

I'm sorry you're in this position. Best wishes.

Original poster

havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 16:21

Thanks, there is no chance he would want that. We have only been seeing each other for a couple of months and our situations are so different. He is younger than me as well. To be honest I think it would just terrify him and I don't see the need to do that.

OP posts:

tanfastic · 07/02/2012 17:43

I never told the father. I did think about it but he was such a giant cock that I didn't see the point. He wouldn't have changed my mind about the termination. Op, I'm glad you have support in your friend, she sounds fab

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 07/02/2012 19:50

Hope you don't mind, but I'm in same boat and have sent you a PM.

Original poster

havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 21:00

I have PM'd you back xx

OP posts:

LadyMedea · 07/02/2012 22:15

Took the MAP recently, wasn't heartened when I saw the 'up to 84% effective' or the web stuff that says 'we don't really know how this works'. I think it works well in stopping ovulation, but if you've already ovulated your foobarred.

Hang in there OP, a crappy situation, but nothing to be ashamed of.

MsPav · 08/02/2012 00:20

I was faced with a similar situation re unplanned pregnancy, and disabled DS and baby DD. Unlike you I was in a relationship but was clear that I did not want another DC. I saw my GP immediately, she was completely understanding and I was booked in for a non surgical termination within days.

In fact, it turned out to have been ectopic so was more complicated, but I have no regrets about my decision.

I was in a realtionship, but told my then DP when I was sure what I wanted to do. I'm sure that your decision re this is the correct one for you.

Original poster

havebeendumped · 08/02/2012 15:57

Thank you for all the understanding and advice. It is all just so difficult but reading all your posts has made it just very slightly easier, to get that understanding from so many of you. Thank you again.

OP posts:

GeekCool · 08/02/2012 16:42

Op just wanted to add my message of support. I'm sorry you have been through this but I'm truly glad you are RL support to help you. You do not need to tell your partner (righ word?) at all. This is YOUR decision, no one elses.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 08/02/2012 17:27

Just another one giving you a virtual squeeze here. I'm so sorry you're facing this. There is nothing you could have done differently here, and no way on earth with your personal situation (especially caring for a DC with special needs) that you should feel any shame or doubt about how you should proceed. Best of luck, I will be thinking about you.

Original poster

havebeendumped · 14/02/2012 11:57

I have my appointment tomorrow, just the consultation.

I was just dancing with my dd to In the Night Garden and I thought about how I could be doing this in a couple of years with another child. I don't know if I want to go through with this now.

My head is all over the place. I would manage, I know I would, I did, my ex was useless and I brought my kids up pretty much by myself, even though he lived here. He never got up with them, he never did anything practical, he was always out on the piss.

It will unleash a whole world of uproar if I keep this pregnancy, I havent been taking any vitamins, I had a drink last week because I was so positive I wouldnt keep it. The gossip and uproar would be phenomenal. I have only known the father for two months, I am sure he would be involved and I know he would help support but there would be no chance for us as a couple, which is ok I think. I feel like I am doing it for everyone else but me. To protect the father, to protect my other kids, to protect my family from knowing what a fuckwit I am. What about this pregnancy, who is protecting that?

I don't know what to do, I don't expect you to tell me what to do but I cant say this to anyone is real life, I am having a panic attack just thinking about possibly doing this, keeping it I mean. I worship my kids, I think I am a good Mum, though I shout sometimes. Will I become a worse Mum because I am overstretched? I never expected this, it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

OP posts:

DreamingofSummer · 14/02/2012 13:30

Lots of cyber hugs.

If you go through with the pregnancy you will survive and get through it although it will be a struggle at first. People can be very supportive if you let them.

Do you have any family or close friends you can trust to talk to? Take a little time to think what's best for you.

racetobed · 15/02/2012 18:45

aw op, LOADS of love to you, so sorry you're going through this. I think coping with a termination is massively easier if you're very early on pregnancy; after all, there is no guarantee such a new embryo would even make it to the foetus stage. the abortion pill is a much easier option imo. Poor you.

racetobed · 15/02/2012 18:47

re your post about gossip: gossip fades very, very quickly. People might talk for a day or two, but talk never killed anyone. And don't worry about the drink, at this stage the placenta is not even formed, so any alcohol wouldn't have got through to the embryo anyway.

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