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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Only last week I was happy this week its all gone so, so wrong.

73 replies

havebeendumped · 05/02/2012 17:54

No massive details, only want to get it out.

I was seeing someone, not seriously but getting on well. He has not been in contact for a few days now, unusual for us but hey thats fine if thats how he wants it go, he doesn't owe me anything.

However having had sex with him (first time I had sex in three years) used a condom, took the MAP (thats how paranoid I am) it appears that I am now late and possibly pregnant. I already have two dc, one of whom is disabled. I cannot have another child, it really is as simple as that.

So I am in my late thirties and this is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen. Can't and won't tell him, its just not that kind of "relationship".

Not sure what I want anyone to say but I am scared to death and having to make some awful decisions and I am terrified.

OP posts:
Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 11:21

Yes, I do, I have to consider them, can't bury my head in the sand. Thanks for the hand holding. I am shaking and feel so sick.

OP posts:
DizzyDizzyDinosaur · 07/02/2012 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 11:26

I have told my friend, who has been brilliant, she says she will be with me whatever I decide to do. But I have already decided. I am scared of being judged on here but I cannot keep this pregnancy. It is not possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 11:27

Thanks for replying to me, I am crying now, it feels real now I am talking about it.

OP posts:
ShirleyO · 07/02/2012 11:27

OK.

It's OK, this will all be alright. You have found out very, very early which gives you a little bit more time to make a decision.

I had a termination (like you I hadn't had sex for bloody AGES, was just casually seeing someone, condom failure, MAP failure) and I can honestly say that I have never regretted it for one moment.

However, I do understand that this is an unacceptable option for some people.

What do you think you want to do?

This panic will subside soon. Just take some deep breaths. It's not the end of the world, we'll get you sorted.

Clownsarescary · 07/02/2012 11:28

Oh no :( I scrolled down the thread to find the outcome...

Consider your options, take the best route for your and dc's . You did everything to avoid this.

Do you have anyone in RL to speak to right now? You really need support.

ShirleyO · 07/02/2012 11:28

x posted.

You're decided then? OK, that's good, it means you can move forward and start getting some feeling of control back.

Clownsarescary · 07/02/2012 11:29

Sorry cross post.

I for one, won't be judging whatever you decide, and I certainly wont be alone.

Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 11:32

I DID, I really, really DID, everything I could possibly do. I have to look it that way, as another step I am having to take to prevent this. First time in three years, TWO methods of contraception.

I can't tell him, its just not an option, we were both so clear about that, had a proper conversation about contraception etc, did everything as right as I could have done it. I don't want to have another child. I have one disabled child already, my practical circumstances would not allow it, I am a lone parent already.

OP posts:
Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 11:35

ShirleyO you have no idea how much it helps to hear of someone else going through something so similar, thank you for telling me.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 07/02/2012 11:35

Don't worry about explaining yourself or justifying it to us or anyone-there is absolutely no need. If anyone judges you harshly that is their issue not yours. Your friend sounds like a good un, lean on her.

ShirleyO · 07/02/2012 11:47

You're welcome.

Honestly, it'll be fine. I don't think about it at all, didn't have horrible guilty feelings or anything as, like you, I tried my hardest - took all possible precautions, we were just unlucky.

Now you know, that horrible "oh fuck what if I'm pregnant!" feeling will go and you can start thinking that in a few months time this will all be in the past.

How about making a GP appointment for this week? Get your friend round to hold your hand in RL? Are the children home? Can you get them looked after for an hour for a good cleansing cry?

Aw, chickie. It's shit - but you WILL be OK.

Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 11:51

I have told two people who I know will help me. I have made a doctors appointment for this afternoon and also spoken to a service (thats what they call themselves for want of a better word) who have made me an appointment to which I have to take my doctors referral letter, in a weeks time, they said I should be seen within 10 days. I feel like I am acting on auto pilot but I don't see what else I can do now.

Thank you so so much, I can't tell you comforting you are being.

OP posts:
OffMeTrolley · 07/02/2012 11:54

i dont think anyone will judge you, you did all you could to prevent a pregnancy and it still happened

good luck Op x

olgaga · 07/02/2012 11:54

OP, you poor thing. Don't beat yourself up, you did everything you could but these things happen. It's is a hard decision, but it's your decision - don't let anyone else judge you for it. Only you know what's best for you.

Am pleased you have a friend who will support you. Be kind to yourself.
x

ShirleyO · 07/02/2012 12:01

Well done on the GP appointment. Did you get your MAP from them? I found that helped me when I went to my doctor - less explaining to do, rather just a "MAP failed and I want a termination ASAP please"

You've only just found out for definite this morning - you're still in shock so don't be too hard on yourself.

Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 12:15

No from Boots. I will just say that though when I go, its the truth. I am worried the doctor they will try to persuade me not to though, I don't think I can handle that.

I just keep looking at the tests, did the second one, its positive too, so its definite, its as though it will be different if I keep looking.

OP posts:
Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 12:17

I suppose I am moving quickly because I knew at the back of my mind I was from about five days ago, although I hoped I wasn't so I have had a bit of time to think about what the options.

OP posts:
Squitten · 07/02/2012 12:27

I've also had a termination and it was also fine. Had a stupid accident when DS1 was tiny and we both knew we absolutely did not want another then because I was struggling with the one I had!

I acted very quickly too and it wasn't awful. I have also never regretted it. Good luck whatever you decide!

thisisyesterday · 07/02/2012 12:35

hi havebeendumped, i had a termination years ago now, and I haven't regretted it.
i simply could not have had a baby at that point in time, and I think if you are very sure of your decision that helps hugely.

I am really sorry you have found yourself in this position though, because it's still a hard decision to make even if you know deep down it's the right thing to do. It's one of the hardest things I've been through, but like I say, I don't regret doing it.

The sooner you get seen the better, as you know. It'll be ok.
who are you seeing? I went to BPAS which my GP recommended and they were really lovely there

no-one will try and persuade you not to do it, and if they do they are not doing their job properly. They should offer you counselling, either now or at some point in the future if you feel you need it.
they are there to talk to you, not try and make you decide either way iyswim

Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 12:41

Just looked it up. It's BPAS. Thank you all so much for posting, I don't think you can know how much it helps to hear similar experiences.

OP posts:
MustControlFistOfDeath · 07/02/2012 12:46

Oh that is so unlucky after taking precautions.

You did everything you could, and you are now making a rational decision based on what is best for you and your family. No-one has any right to judge you. (Bollocks to them if they do).

Hope you get it sorted soon, all the best and a ((hug))

StickAForkInMeImDone · 07/02/2012 12:50

OP I have been in the same situation. Condom failed. MAP failed.Sex for 1st time in 2.5 years. I had a termination and never regretted it.
Don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong.
Glad you have got RL support
((hugs))

freeandhappy · 07/02/2012 12:55

If you are less than 6 weeks pregnant you can get that RU 554 pill or whatever it's called. It costs about 400 quid but it's 2 x 2 tablets 12 hrs apart and then you will get your period ie miscarry.

Original poster
havebeendumped · 07/02/2012 12:55

For crying out loud does the MAP work for ANYONE? All I have read about is that it has failed, over and over. Can't believe how many of us have similar experiences.

OP posts: