A woman's advice needed please.

[clintwestwood]

I think I've saboutaged my relationship with my girlfriend with my own insecurities and I don't know what to do.
A bit of background: We had got back together 5 months ago after splitting up a couple of years back after a short relationship. She ended it.
She got in touch with me again and all had been good. It appeared we were in love. However, I've secretly been very insecure because of what happened before and I have been super sensitive to everything she says and does. It hasn't become apparent to her until now. The other day I had a meltdown. I felt her feelings about me had changed, because of little things she had said etc. I tried calling in week and she didnt return my calls. It made me worse so next day I went round her house and confronted her about it, told her my worries and basically told her that if she wanted to end it now was her her chance. It wasn't a row but it must have seemed a bit weird.
Next day I texted an apology. She said it was ok. I then called a couple of times and she didn't answer. I got uptight again next day and sent an email apologising again, telling her I love her but if she wants to end it do it now and and not to leave me hanging. She replied saying I was stupid but we should have a break this weekend and see how we feel next week.
That was the last contact. I feel a complete plonker for bringing this all to a head and I fear now that she has probably decided to end it.
What shall I do? I'm scared to contact her because I'm embarrassed and I don't think I can face the rejection. I feel that it's up to her now to contact me, but the waiting is killing me and I fear the worst.
God I hope she doesn't use mumsnet and read this as I'll lose all vestiges of cool, but I truly love this woman.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

She is either not interested or is a very busy person. If I'm free I love taking DH calls but the other day i saw him between 5am and 7 am and didn't speak to him until I got home at 10pm. I simply didn't have time.

That said, your behaviour would make most people take a step back. Have you thought about talking to someone? I'm guessing here but all your insecurities don't just stem from this one thing?

If you wanna go east be cool, young man, you'll throw a poncho over your shoulder, clamp a cigar between your teeth, squint into the sunset... and wait for her to contact you.

While you're waiting, get to work on banishing your demons because you won't be able to have a relationship in which you enhance your beloved's life in the same way that they enhance yours if you are coming from a place of doubt and insecurity.

Are you familiar with the saying 'some perceive kindness as weakness'? The converse is that 'some perceive weakness as an opportunity to be unkind'.

Why did she choose to end the short relationship you had with her a couple of years ago - and how short was that relationship?

Also it could be that you are falling for a particular type of woman because if your insecurities. She's being a bit cruel really, either that or she's on some power trip. Or.... She's just not that into you. I'm sorry :(

Ask yourself this, do you really want someone like this in your life? You sound like a nice bloke OP, hope you see the light.

What they said. But at the very least she has asked for a bit of time ('til next week'), so give it to her. Find something to do today to hey your mind off the question as best you can (I always find vigorous exercise works for me, or an absorbing project (maybe DIY or something that requires mental focus). It will be difficult but better than sitting and waiting, and WAY better than contacting her again before tomorrow.

she was the one who got in touch with you initially, so I am guessing she likes to be in the driving seat.
Your actions shout out "needy" to me so if I were you I would back off completely and wait now until she contacts you. If she doesn't well then you've got your answer, and know exactly where you stand!
You don't sound as if you feel very confident about her feelings for you anyway.

I think you need to build a busy and fulfilling life for yourself so you're less focused on relationships.
To be honest, your behaviour would put me right off and I would run a mile.
Don't contact her. Get on with living your life.

Btw, honey, you may be head over heels in lust infatuation at the moment but, trust me, there is NO WAY you can 'truly love' someone you have only known for a matter of months.

I would dump her. She doesn't sound that interested and her Luke warm behaviour is giving her a lot of power over you and making your emotions go all over. Ask yourself whether you want to be with someone because they make you happy or because they are in your head confusing you.

The only way to stop the waiting from torturing you is to keep MEGA busy! Contact everyone you know and see who is up for any kind of activity social. Surround yourself with people and hold on.

As for whether she is actually interested or you have scared her off. Hmmm well I had a very insecure BF once who never relaxed and eventually I stopped trying to convince him I wasn't going anywhere and ended it. However we had had one long continuous relationship no breaks.

It doesn't bode well that the relationship didn't last before, what makes you think it will this time? Obviously your feelings are very strong but maybe she knew that and came to you for a port in a storm for some reason, what else is going on in her life now or just before you got back together.

Finally, if she doesn't feel the same way as you - it will hurt - lots - but you will recover and find someone else, even if that is the last thing you want now. It is important for a relationship to be mutual, one that isn't can never work without the one who is more into it losing their self respect.

As the great Ferris Beuller said: It isn't possible to love someone who kisses your ass!

Thanks for all the advice. I know I've been a total klutz. I hope permanent damage isn't done. I won't go into details about how it ended before, but she ended it quite abruptly. I was heartbroken and it took me a long time to get over her. I took her back against my better judgement, because I was still in love with her. Hence my insecurity now....the worry it could end the same way again. I know my feelings sound strong, but she has encouraged them. She has told me she loved me and I believed her.
I think I just want to know now what my best strategy is for trying to work things out.
Do I simply wait for her to contact me now and if she doesn't that's my answer?
Or do I try to contact her during the week to see what her response is?
I fear the worst.

This doesnt sound like a healthy relationship with a great future. She has broken your heart once.. understandable that second time around you are a bit wary, but that waryness is coming through as neediness too. Back away from it. Get on with your life a bit.

See what she does when she finds out you are not pining for her and hanging around like a lost puppy.

You wait for her to contact you, simple.

Either choice may re-establish contact.

However,

if you are the one to initiate it you will never know whether she would have contacted you, or how long it would have taken. This will not improve your feelings one iota. If this relationship is to continue your insecurities need to go down not up, so that would be bad for that reason.

I think the ball is in her court and it needs to be.

It might be hard as you are craving her, but think of it as in investment in the relationship. If she does choose to continue the relationship she will need to know that you aren't going to cling to her - so letting her contact you is good to prove that to her. You need to recoup some self-respect for both your sakes.

If she does not contact you, or does so in a half-hearted way you have the answer you need and better to know sooner rather than later. If she comes running back to you that will make you feel great and mean you can continue with fewer doubts which would be better for everyone.

You already feeling as though you have been 'pestering' her so doing it again could make you feel even worse if she responds badly, and she has intiiated a break. So really if there is a way back it is to let her come to you.

FWIW you aren't alone in this experience.

good luck.

Clint, love. You had a short relationship a couple of years ago, she ended it, you were distraught.

You restarted the relationship recently, and already can see that she's apparently checking out again.

With the utmost respect, she is not that into you. You deserve better. The events of the past have made you needy and paranoid. Both highly unattractive.

she ended it before, for a reason, you have to understand that, and lived apparently happily for a couple of years without you. You however pined somewhat for you.

Your self esteem is low, perhaps because of this woman, perhaps it already was.

Running after her, or having meltdowns are not the way to live. I have to say that if anyone had a melt down with me as you described it, that would be enough for me to take to the hills.

You need to demand better treatment of YOU by those you wish to spend time with. The more you keep coming back for more of the same, the worse you will get treated.

This relationship is unbalanced, which only ever serves to create a highly unhealthy and deeply damaging dynamic.

If I were you I'd end it with HER. Show HER that you deserve better. If she lets you go, then you know where you are and can move on to better people. If it jolts her into thinking that she can't get away with treating you like that and she starts respecting you, then it might be a basis to work from.

YOU have do demand and expect better for yourself. YOU have to realise you deserve it. Otherwise this pattern will keep repeating itself and your self esteem will be in tatters.

Go get in the saddle with someone else

She's not that into you

Blimey...end it myself! That's a bold move considering I'm in love with her, but I can see why you would say it. Let's face it, if she hasn't contacted me by the end of the week then yes, she's not really into me and she would have left me dangling.
Maybe that's what I should do as I can't keep torturing myself in this relationship.

It made me worse so next day I went round her house and confronted her about it, told her my worries and basically told her that if she wanted to end it now was her her chance. It wasn't a row but it must have seemed a bit weird.

Er, yes. It would have seemed very weird and even if she wasn't thinking about ending it then I suspect she is now. It sounds as if this relationship is very wrong for both of you. Don't contact her again and just put this down to experience.

One of three things is happening:

a) She does love you but she feels you are being too controlling, and she's a bit freaked out by your insecurities which are putting a downer on the relationship, or....

b) she doesn't love you, she's trying to let you down gently because she thinks if she ends it abruptly you will react very, very badly and she's trying to avoid that. And she is freaked out by your insecurities.

c) She is stringing you along, and she is one of those people who loves the thrill of the chase and having someone completely besotted with her, even if it is not reciprocated. But now she is bored with her little game.

Either way, it does not bode well for you, which ever way you look at at.

I would resist the urge to contact her, don't beg, don't get all needy, just back off, and move on with your life. If she loves you she will come back.

If I was were her I'd be out of this so fast you wouldn't see me for dust.

Back way way off and let her come to you if she wants to.

Your meltdown may have been sparked by her genuinely pulling away from you, but you have to face the fact that there's nothing you can do to bring someone back who wants to withdraw. She's allowed to change her mind. Chasing harder is just scary and a hiding to nothing. You both need to be into it.

I think it may have been better not to have gone back in the first place, and therein lies your feelings of not being sure of her.... I'm not a game player myself, and this started off on the wrong foot.

You do sound as tho you want her to call and say everythings gonna be alright...I'd say try and not think this. She may never call you again. She may not call for a few days. I'd not worry about that but spend the time thinking about yourself, why you went back to her a second time, supporting your feelings of not being sure (perhaps because you weren't actually sure....) and trying to ensure you act with dignity from now on. Hurts tho, I know.

I would love her to call me. I love her. I couldn't end it with her for that reason.
What if I sent her some flowers and card during the week, nothing too heavy as I have already apologised, but maybe just asking her to call me?
What do you reckon?
I know I've been a total twat and it may be my last throw of the dice to try to win her back.

No! no flowers, no card. They'll make you look pushy and needy "pay me attention, pay me attention".
Flowers and a card will say "my need for contact is far more important than your need for head space". please give her time to make her own decision.

No, you've made it amply clear that you want to hear from her and have apologised for being over the top. She has told you to give her space, so give it.

If she wants to get in touch, she will.

Look mate - flowers and a card are only going to reinforce your neediness.
IF she is IS thinking of ending things between between you, the flowers etc will only strengthen that decision. If she is stifled by your insecurities, they are not going to make her think 'Oh bless him' - she will think 'why won't he back off?'

She has asked you for space, so give it.

I fear you may have already put the spoilers on this with your incessant need for reassurance. You sound like hard work!

Calm down, back off, be cool.