A woman's advice needed please.

[clintwestwood]

I think I've saboutaged my relationship with my girlfriend with my own insecurities and I don't know what to do.
A bit of background: We had got back together 5 months ago after splitting up a couple of years back after a short relationship. She ended it.
She got in touch with me again and all had been good. It appeared we were in love. However, I've secretly been very insecure because of what happened before and I have been super sensitive to everything she says and does. It hasn't become apparent to her until now. The other day I had a meltdown. I felt her feelings about me had changed, because of little things she had said etc. I tried calling in week and she didnt return my calls. It made me worse so next day I went round her house and confronted her about it, told her my worries and basically told her that if she wanted to end it now was her her chance. It wasn't a row but it must have seemed a bit weird.
Next day I texted an apology. She said it was ok. I then called a couple of times and she didn't answer. I got uptight again next day and sent an email apologising again, telling her I love her but if she wants to end it do it now and and not to leave me hanging. She replied saying I was stupid but we should have a break this weekend and see how we feel next week.
That was the last contact. I feel a complete plonker for bringing this all to a head and I fear now that she has probably decided to end it.
What shall I do? I'm scared to contact her because I'm embarrassed and I don't think I can face the rejection. I feel that it's up to her now to contact me, but the waiting is killing me and I fear the worst.
God I hope she doesn't use mumsnet and read this as I'll lose all vestiges of cool, but I truly love this woman.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

What HillyWallaby said. And FFS don't send her flowers! how is that being respectful of her wishes and letting her come to you?! err, it isn't.
I do feel for you as I have been there quite recently, but at the end of it if the person isn't that bothered, no amount of debasing yourself is going to make them care. It will just make them pity you and you will start to despise yourself for all the grovelling and pleading.

As someone who has done all that, take it from me, don't do it mate.

Yeah....you're all right.
I'll just keep my distance and hope she gets in touch.
Thanks very much for all the advice.

Let us know how it pans out :)

you asked for our advice, now bloody well take it

leave her alone

if she loves you, she will ring you

Clint, you can't be IN LOVE with someone that doesn't love you.

You are fixated on her, bordering on obsession. It's unreciprocated.

If she were right for you, she'd be with you, she's not and she's not.

You DO deserve better than living like this, waiting for someone who doesn't care to call you.

My dh tells me that he was fixated with his first love. In fact it appears to be a very common thing amongst both men and women - after all they say you never forget your first love.

It must be very very hard for you and I can only think that perhaps she is herself confused? What are you like during the relationship? Do you want to see her every day? Do you need regular contact with her? I would say that for future relationships, back off a bit and play it cool. No-one likes to be harrassed for attention every day. Being in love can be overwhelming at first and it's hard to back off but that's what you need to do. Give them their own space.

I would not contact this girl again. She knows where you stand. Focus on being your own person. You got over it once and you can do so again. Be by yourself, get out with friends and fill your time. Once you are confident in yourself and happy with you are then you are in the best place to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

If you are wracked with insecurities then a bit of counselling might help you to come to terms with how you feel? Although I have a feeling that experience will count for a lot here so get out there, build up your social life, see your friends. My dh went travelling for 6 months and came back a much more confident, independent and happier man. You might not be able to do that but whilst you are young enough you should grab hold of life and make the most of it. The more adventures you have, the more confident and sociable you will become.

Best of luck.

I appreciate all the replies. My insecurities are based solely on how she ended it with me the first time round, which was unexpected.
Up until now they have been well hidden. They came out last week, but I wasn't ranting and raving. I know it made me look needy, but it also seems harsh that she has gone quiet on me for that one indiscretion. I forgave her of something similar when we first got together.
All I can say is this waiting game is doing my head in. I haven't contacted her since friday morning. I've kept away, but I feel if I don't hear anything by midweek I'll call, for my own piece of mind at least. That phone call will tell me a lot about how she feels, i.e she ignores it or is lukewarm or hostile.
Maybe then I can accept it's over and delete her number and move on.

Oh Clint, you said it yourself in the OP

"I feel that it's up to her now to contact me..." wise words. If she doesn't call her silence speaks volumes.

There would be a reason why she broke up and I get the feeling that she hasn't told you that, so for you there is no closure?

Whatever you felt for her obviously was not reciprocated. Perhaps she felt that she could give it another go and the feelings might come then? Perhaps she felt that she ought to be in love but just wasn't feeling that love? If she isn't as keen on you then this is never going to work. It's hard to let go sometimes without even an explanation, but you can choose to either wait around for that explanation, let it ruin your life and drive you to bitterness and resentment or you could choose to simply put it down to experience and move on.

I would be reluctant, even if she did get in contact, to pursue this relationship any further. She sounds confused as to her own feelings, or (and perhaps this is rather cruel) she wants to have someone around as and when she needs them. Neither is good for you. You need to meet someone who will love you for who you are, faults and all, and that will come. I didn't meet my man until I was 27 and he was 33. I have a friend who is 40 this year and has only just met the love of his life after many many failed relationships.
With my friend and with me, our loves came when we have given up looking and had started to enjoy our single lives. I was working, thinking of travelling and building up a great social circle. I was still at Uni, had ambitions and was having a whale of a time, I was neither looking for nor wanted love. My friend had quit his safe job and had started touring around Russia teaching English as a foreign language. He had found his freedom and was loving this new adventure. His love has hit him like a bullet and they have both moved to Vietnam to teach where I think he might propose!

So enjoy yourself, put this girl to one side and become a whole person. Fill your life with experiences and love will find you soon enough - then you'll be on here moaning about the nuances of married life with kids!

Clint, you may think yourself in love with her. But honestly; she has ASKED for space and you're only willing to respect that until mid-week?

If you love her then respect her wishes. This behaviour would have me running a mile in the opposite direction!

If you were a woman people would be telling you how desperate you sound! Leave it alone. If she wants you, she'll tell you. But really, you need to concentrate on you and this not being the centre of your world!

Actually there is nothing sexier than a man who is independent, capable of taking care of himself and completely at ease with who he is. So make those your goals in life and the rest will follow.

Don't contact her again.

Clint, do not contact her, do not send flowers, because if she is in two minds about you that will be the final straw and you?ll never get her back. I know the waiting around for someone you love to call is excruciating, but I concur with what other people have said and that?s to keep yourself so busy that you have less time to dwell in this. If she?s not been in touch in a few days I don?t think she?s that into you. DO NOT CONTACT HER IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM (unless it?s to tell her it?s not working and you?re ending it!) Keep some dignity because if you get in touch she may well lose any respect she has for you, so back right off.

Dude, how can you still be talking about contacting her midweek? Have you actually absorbed and understood any of the advice you have received here? You seriously need to leave her alone and let her come to you. Anything else is blatantly about you and nothing to do with her or what she wants. It's about satisfying your need for closure and/or reassurance. Fair play for feeling you need those things, but don't wrap it up as caring and love, it's not. It's just you needing something which incidentally you won't get from her whatever her answer is. Another person can't give you the gift of either closure or peace of mind - only you have the ability to bestow those on your life.

I'm also skeptical that your insecurities were only aroused by the way the relationship ended first time around. I think it might go a tad deeper than that - but I'm just speculating, and plus you haven't told us why she ended the relationship before, so it's hard to say.

I hope you'll have the decency to give her the thinking time and space she asked for. Still a bit incredulous at you stubbornness re: contacting her after all that's been said on this thread .

Delete her number now, Clint. You'll get it back if she calls you, but while you've got it in your phone you'll always be itching to call her, and if you do that'll make everything worse, as everyone has said.

Delete it while you're strong enough, and then you can't give in to temptation.

I suppose I'd be a fool to ignore the overwhelming advice given here. In fact, I think not one of you has suggested I send a text saying 'hi how are you.' But you see the way it was left, in her words, was 'let's have a break this weekend and see how we feel next week. Speak later'.
So what am I to make of that? It seems open. I'm just confused as we have been very into each other for the last 5 months, spending loads of time together. For it all to end in this way over one thing seems a damned shame. All I can say is that if her feelings for me were not real then she's a bloody good actress.

Give. Her. The. Space.

You're confused
You need her
You want to know what's going on
You want to get back into being all loved up with her

She, on the other hand, is in NO doubt about your feelings so if she wants to running back into your open arms there will be nothing stopping her. If she does not come running back you will have clung onto some vestige of dignity by not picking away at your scab and congratulations will be in order as we all acknowledge that is not an easy thing.

If you ignore everyone here, you will regret it

clint love, she may have thought she was in love, but when she's not around you she might realise that she doesn't actually miss you. It could be that she's not thinking about you 24/7 but understands that when you are together you have a great time.
So her feelings for you could be sisterly or even just as a friend. Heck knows that I have felt this way for a lot of my male friends and I am the first to admit that I can often be misleading. I used to have such fun with male friends, calling them up and going out, that some used to think I was on dates with them but as far as I was concerned, we were just mates having a laugh together. I can see now how naive I was and annoying for the men who wanted a little more from me.

I second what snowbeetle has said. She knows all about your feelings for her and she obviously can't handle it because she does NOT feel the same way. She's probably too scared of telling you, frightened of letting you down again and probably feeling very very guilty. By not getting in touch this is her way of telling you that it's over.

Accept that you had a great time with her, accept that she does not love you and move on. There will be other great times and you may win some more and lose some more, but it gets easier and whilst you may never forget her, as she was your first love, you will learn from the experience.

But trust me and all the other women who have posted on here. By not getting in touch with you she is telling you loud and clear that it's over. She doesn't have the same feelings for you. You might be able to stay friends but given your feelings for her I would advise against it as this will stop you from meeting someone else. So let her go, wish her all the best and try to move on to the next chapter in your life

Yup - and the tighter you try to hold on the more she will pull away and she will end up hating you, and maybe you yourself.

Unless she comes to you, you will never feel secure with her.

Don't pick the scab (even though its itchy!! )

Just to let you know I sent her a text saying hi and we're meeting up this weekend. She chastised me for being too serious, which I accept. I really appreciate all the good advice you all gave. I did hear what you were all saying about not contacting her, but I felt she may have just been trying to teach me a bit of a lesson and so I took a chance. What I will say is lesson learned. I've been a fool. I'd appreciate if you all not respond any further as I'm petrified she might use mumsnet and work out who I am and see what a total wuss I am. At least this way this thread can then wither on the vine.
I will start another thread saying thanks so that you can all tell me how happy you are for me but how I need to relax a bit..and I will be in agreement with every bloody word.