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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know how to get out of this

42 replies

Handholdingplease · 04/02/2012 23:03

Nc for this. I have been with my h for 5.5 years & married for around 18 months.
I have gradually become completely isolated & now don't see friends. My family are a bit more insistent however. Since we met his behaviour has been quite odd I suppose. He is a compulsive liar,since marrying I realise there is not the background he always claimed. He has 2 sons he hasn't any contact with,no friends,no family. Everything he promises never materialises. He is incapable of empathy. When I had a mc he hung up the phone,when I told him I was pregnant,he suggested a termination. I think he was amazed I refused. The whole of my pg he was extremely erratic & hurtful. I left in the end but he gave me the big sorry sob story & promised to change. He wanted to be a good dad blah blah
My mum has been in hospital recently & has been rushed back in tonight. He didn't answer the home phone when I was in the bath (never answers it which drives me mad) & when I got out I saw missed calls & then found out from my dsis about mum. I sat sobbing & he ignored me & sat watching tv as if I didn't exist. Not that I was annoying,simply as if I actually wasn't there. When I got really angry he said 'phone your family,I can't do anything' & put on earphones. He always acts like nothing has happened whenever I actually need him or ask anything of him.
He always talks me round. I don't love him,I swing between finding him ok & wanting him to drop dead. I don't even recognise myself :(

OP posts:
snoopdogg · 04/02/2012 23:10

Get out. Now. Go to your sister. Don't do this any more.

You know this is what you need to hear.

i'm so sorry.

Alambil · 04/02/2012 23:10

Women's Aid list this as signs of domestic abuse:

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

You can talk to them on 0808 2000 247, but it is a very busy number....

do you WANT to get out? is it just a case of learning the facts about leaving and getting the confidence? Or are you not sure you want to go, yet?

Original poster
Handholdingplease · 04/02/2012 23:16

It's my flat. He moved in with me. I'm on mat leave. I just know he won't go without a fight. I've told him to leave a million times,he refuses. He will now sleep in the living room & ignore me. I know the pattern.
I can bob along usually but if I ask something of him emotionally,he is fucking hurtful.

OP posts:
Alambil · 04/02/2012 23:17

is his name on the rent agreement / mortgage?

There are ways and means of getting him removed, if that is truly what you want...

dollymixtures · 04/02/2012 23:20

Pack his bags and show him the door. This is not living and you know it Sad

Original poster
Handholdingplease · 04/02/2012 23:24

He is not any mortgage papers etc as I had it before I met him. He is on electoral roll etc. I've packed his bags before. Doesn't get me v far. We have had the police but he talked them round. I sound pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Handholdingplease · 04/02/2012 23:41

That is interesting,thank you. It sounds absurd but it would be easier if it was dv,it would make it more black & White if that makes sense?
My poor mum,I hope she is ok. When she was admitted the first time,I asked him to take me to visit. He agreed,but I knew he would pester me to not be too long. I said I'd get trains etc so I didn't feel pressurised to rush. It was my first time away from baby for more than a few hours. He switched his phone off & didn't answer home phone (so I'd worry probably). She left my dad after almost 30 years of being married. He was a bloody nightmare too.
I try not to argue etc in front of the baby.
I am due to go back to work,my company won't change my hours etc as I'm in retail. I have a good job but it'd be virtually impossible to get back for childcare in those hours if I was a lp.
Rambling now,my mind is all over the place.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 04/02/2012 23:42

Unfortunately there are still some police officers who don't take domestic abuse seriously, or at least won't act if there is no sign or threat of physical violence. This man has no legal right to remain in YOUR home if you don't want him there. Do get some legal advice, you can throw him out. If you don't have any children with him, you can get rid of him completely and never have to see him again. Best of luck.

Original poster
Handholdingplease · 04/02/2012 23:48

They made him sit in the car 'until I'd cooled down'. I was 39 weeks pregnant & had just found out about the two sons & was hysterical. He was v calm & said in a v convincing way that when I get upset,I get a bit hysterical & call the police. They appeared to roll their eyes & believe it. Wankers.
I'm such an idiot. How have I gone from being a sociable popular pretty woman to a mess?

OP posts:
BayPolar · 04/02/2012 23:54

Why didn't you figure this out before you got married?
I must have a really low tolerance level because compared to what the women on MN put up with, I'd move on in a flash over even the tiniest of hints that my guy wasn't up to scratch.

Original poster
Handholdingplease · 04/02/2012 23:56

It's been very very gradual.

OP posts:
BayPolar · 05/02/2012 00:07

Well, time to move faster than gradual and kick this loser to the kerb.
Next time you'll know better.
Never compromise or think that people will change.
They rarely change.

Original poster
Handholdingplease · 05/02/2012 00:12

He won't go without a fight believe me. He is basically a coward to others though. When my bils pulled him on his treatment,he bottled it really. He really got on well with them but they got pissed off with him being into seeing them all the time,then ignoring them. They think he is a twat. They aren't wrong. So many different things are whizzing round in my head. I feel completely wired.

OP posts:
historyrepeats · 05/02/2012 00:18

Bay do fuck off

historyrepeats · 05/02/2012 00:18

((((hugs)))) Get rid asap.

Alambil · 05/02/2012 00:20

bay, that is the least helpful thing you could have posted.

DV is insidious. Abusers are masters at making it so well hidden that you go along with it for way, way longer than you ever think.

Looking from the outside in, it's easy to say "why didn't you leave?" but when you live it, it's a whole different world.

Hand, don't blame yourself for being here.

Injunctions make sure he goes; if he fights, there are consequences.

What do you mean, "it'd be easier if it were DV" ? You mean if you were being hit / kicked? yes, it makes it more obvious, but it doesn't make what he's doing any less DV than being punched. It's called emotional abuse, rather than physical. That's the only difference.

You can access all the legal and supportive help from all the charities and organisations designed for DV (or domestic abuse as I prefer to call it as it seems to say it can be wider than being "violent") if you want it... even the police DA unit, who may be more understanding than PC General Plod, so to speak.

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 00:27

He didn't 'talk the police round' as such - he persuaded them to let him sit in their car until you 'cooled down' and obviously that's what you did because you allowed him back in the house.

As he is not named on the mortgage/deeds to the property, he has no right to remain in the house without your consent.

You don't need a Court order to remove him. Ask him to leave and if he doesn't comply, call the police and this time don't allow yourself to be talked round by him again.

Alternatively, arrange for the locks to be changed while he's at work, pack his stuff and leave it outside. FWIW changing the barrel of yale lock is a simple job that only needs a screwdriver and a hacksaw.

However, it seems to me that he doesn't need to bother to 'talk you round' because you do such an excellent job of talking yourself round.

As you've been with this twat long enough to know he's not going to change, the question has to be whether you're prepared to stop changing your mind and take affirmative action to get him out of your home and your life?

Original poster
Handholdingplease · 05/02/2012 00:28

I know he needs to go. It just seems like a mountain & I'm at the bottom of it if you know what I mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Handholdingplease · 05/02/2012 00:33

Well I left on that occasion. I went to family & had the baby there. I know I've been weak & some of the replies on this thread confirm it really so I'll say goodnight.

OP posts:
Alambil · 05/02/2012 00:40

you haven't been weak at all!

Some of these replies are wrong.

Look - coming to the realisation that you can't put up with it any more takes guts. Coming to the stage of wanting him out takes even more guts.... you've been brave and courageous and cliché as it sounds, returning is normal.

Leaving (or getting them to leave) is the most difficult part of the process. It takes time, patience, planning and courage - shed loads of courage.

You're right - it's a mountain, but it is not insurmountable.

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 00:42

Once you've got the mountain that is him out of the way, you'll be able to see clearly.

I hope you wake up later today filled with resolve to move mountains and get yourself back to the vibrant, confident woman you used to be before you took on this pile of emotional deadwood.

My best wishes to you dm for a speedy recovery - I hope she is back home soon.

solidgoldbrass · 05/02/2012 01:51

Yes, if he is not named on the tenancy agreement you can change the locks, and if he attempts to force his way back into the house he can be arrested and removed. You don't actually need an occupation order at all, because the house is your home, not his. However if you think he might get violent, I think you can ask the local police DV unit to send someone round to make sure he leaves quietly and without doing any damage.
One of the awful things about living with an abusive man is that he will convince you that no one will listen to you or support you, that he is in charge of the relationship and that he can do what he likes, and other people will just tell you that you should be a 'better' more obedient woman and your life would be just fine.
THis is rubbish; no one can be compelled by law to continue a relationship that is miserable, and while things may get more complicated if a separating couple have children or joint tenancy/mortgage, it is still possible for an abusive man to be forcibly removed from the home and prevented from returning.

Lueji · 05/02/2012 02:10

You have not been weak.

You have thought you would be strong enough to change him and make it work.

What matters now is the future.

You have got very good advice and it's in your hands, really. You can do it.

CinnabarRed · 05/02/2012 02:28

SGB, is that right when they're married? Nothing I'd like more than to hear that his loser is out of OP's life and home, but from what I've read on here I understood that the property has become the marital home and so the husband would have some rights over it. (Or at least, that seems to be the advice given to women who move into their husband's house.)

OP - we're here to hold your hand for as long as you need us.