Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know how to get out of this

42 replies

Handholdingplease · 04/02/2012 23:03

Nc for this. I have been with my h for 5.5 years & married for around 18 months.
I have gradually become completely isolated & now don't see friends. My family are a bit more insistent however. Since we met his behaviour has been quite odd I suppose. He is a compulsive liar,since marrying I realise there is not the background he always claimed. He has 2 sons he hasn't any contact with,no friends,no family. Everything he promises never materialises. He is incapable of empathy. When I had a mc he hung up the phone,when I told him I was pregnant,he suggested a termination. I think he was amazed I refused. The whole of my pg he was extremely erratic & hurtful. I left in the end but he gave me the big sorry sob story & promised to change. He wanted to be a good dad blah blah
My mum has been in hospital recently & has been rushed back in tonight. He didn't answer the home phone when I was in the bath (never answers it which drives me mad) & when I got out I saw missed calls & then found out from my dsis about mum. I sat sobbing & he ignored me & sat watching tv as if I didn't exist. Not that I was annoying,simply as if I actually wasn't there. When I got really angry he said 'phone your family,I can't do anything' & put on earphones. He always acts like nothing has happened whenever I actually need him or ask anything of him.
He always talks me round. I don't love him,I swing between finding him ok & wanting him to drop dead. I don't even recognise myself :(

OP posts:
HillyWallaby · 05/02/2012 02:45

Well you need to separate - obviously. He sounds like he has some kind of personality disorder.

But I am amazed you've spent over five years with this man, and yet still married him only 18 months ago and even more recently had a child with him. Did you completely ignore all your own alarm bells?

Lueji · 05/02/2012 02:45

AFAIK, the resident parent has the right to the marital home, which would be the case.

I'd get legal advice before making a move.

HillyWallaby · 05/02/2012 02:58

Apoligies for above post - didn't read the whole thread first. Can't believe you didn't find out about the children until you were 39 weeks pg! No wonder you were a bit hysterical.

ComposHat · 05/02/2012 03:16

Op - it is encouraging that your sister/bil have seen through him. It us the clearest sign that you are not the problem, he is.

Could they be there when you tell him to sling his hook? He is less able to turn on the charm and talk you round when you have strength in numbers. Although I'd have the police no. at hand, just to be on the safe side.

As soon as he has gone get the locks changed and change your mobile number.

migratingsouth · 05/02/2012 03:20

Handholdingplease I'm so sorry you're going through this. It took me many attempts to get my arsehole ex to leave, as he just made it so difficult, so you have my sympathy.

However I really hope you can find a way to make it happen. It's not going to get any better, this man isn't capable of giving you the respect, love and friendship you deserve, and he never will be. Being with him is damaging you.

Can you talk to anyone in RL? I found once I admitted how bad it was to people it got easier to deal with head on.

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 05:43

Regardless of the fact that you acquired the property before your marriage and that it has subsequently become the marital home, as you are the sole owner of the property your h has no right to remain in your home without your consent and you are therefore at liberty to change the locks or ask the police to remove him as you see fit (if you have family/friends onside it should be a relatively simple process to effect his speedy removal without calling on the services of the old bill).

With regard to any claim your h may have in law upon divorce proceedings in relation to your pre-marriage assests, when it comes to deaing with matrimonial property the Courts have wide discretion and flexibility and, in certain case, it is possible to exclude premarital assets from the division of the overall matrimonial assets either in whole or in part.

Given that your marriage is currently of only 18 months duration, I would suggest it can be argued that the marital home is a premarital asses that should be excluded from any settlement but, in the unlikely event that a Court should decide otherwise, I suspect it will determine that any sum awarded in favour of your h in respect of matrimonial property/assets will be minimal if not negligible - and it should be noted that you will undoubtedly have a claim in law against him.

However, each case is different and as the Women's Aid national helpline is frequently over-subscribed; search 'womens aid' followed by your county or nearest town to obtain the number of your local WA offices, give them a call and ask them to recommend solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free half-hour consultation so that you can find out for yourself where you stand with regard to the ramifications of separation/divorce - at the very least you should begin to feel empowered by taking matters into your own hands and this may help you overcome any feeling of ennui caused by becoming bogged down by a twat who sounds like a sociopathic Walter Mitty.

Sadly, I note that having given more than sufficient reason in your op as to why you should cut your losses and get out of your considerably less than fulfilling marriage without further ado, it seems that you're already talking yourself round and around into more dithering by bringing into play issues such as your need for childcare when you return to work, etc.

THAT, my dear girl, is NOT the way to go about it because if you keep on truckin' around that circular road years will go by until, before you know it , you're waving your dc off to uni - and you'll then wake up to the unpalatable fact that each passing year that you have failed to rid yourself of the unnecessary drain on your energies your h may significantly entitle him to benefit financially from the property that you scrimped and saved for.

Once you have metaphorically put a stake through the heart of the vampire that is sucking the lifeblood out of you, you will shed the skin of the woman who 'can't' and become, once again, a positive and resourceful woman who 'can' - and that woman can do anything she puts her mind to, including sorting childcare for her dc to fit in with her working hours.

In support of BayPolar, not all women are the weak and feeble creatures some would have us to be and I certainly would not tolerate the continuance of a relationship such as you have described for one minute longer than necessary.

You and your dc deserve the best - please don't make the mistake of so many who fall into the trap of 'better the devil I know' because you can easily find a man who will treat you infinitely better than the one who is currently making your life a living hell.

Wise up and get smart, honey, because if you don't you'll only have yourself to blame if your life continues to be less than what you know it can be.

CinnabarRed · 05/02/2012 07:13

Excellent post Izzy.

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 07:25

Blush Thank you kindly, Red and I hope that I've gone some way to answering your question about certain 'entitlements' conveyed by marriage, so to speak.

liveinazoo · 05/02/2012 07:33

sending hugs and the strength to get rid of this man before he pushes you over the edge
claw back your self esteem and respect.lots support on here
you can do it!x

CinnabarRed · 05/02/2012 07:33

Yes indeed. I was vaguely aware that there was a difference between ownership of a property by one spouse and marital assets to be divided as part of a financial settlement, and you've explained it very clearly.

MadameOvary · 05/02/2012 07:46

Izzy, great post but I'm sure that you didn't mean to imply that women enduring DV are "weak and feeble"? Because they are not. Vulnerable- yes, ground down - absolutely.
Baypolar, think yourself lucky that you've never been in an abusive relationship.
OP, you are in a better situation than most as you seem to see the extent of his abuse pretty clearly. This makes you stronger than you think. PM me if you want. You can do this.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/02/2012 09:15

Wait, I'm not sure that's right about it not being his home. They're married, right? So it is the marital home regardless of which spouse's name is on the deeds/mortgage/rental. This is a good thing when the abuser is trying to chuck out the abusee, but not so good when it's the other way round. Doesn't mean it's impossible to get the bugger out, but a bit more complicated than just saying "I don't like this fellow any more, please make sure he leaves my home". He will have some rights to it - but not necessarily the right to stay there as long as he likes, especially in an abuse situation. The good news is that as you owned the place beforehand and haven't been married very long his entitlement is unlikely to be very much. It's worth getting some legal advice (can get broad-brush advice free from the CAB, and many solicitors offer a free half hour introductory session).

Don't be deterred though. You absolutely need this unpleasant man to be out of your life, and any trouble it takes is a worthwhile investment.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/02/2012 09:16

Argh. Cross-posted with Izzy, who knows much more than I do about this stuff.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/02/2012 09:17

... in fact missed the whole second page. Maybe I'd better go back to bed for a couple of hours.

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 09:27

Since Erin Pizzey set up the first women's refuge for victims of domestic violence in Chiswick back in 1971, and insodoing effectively laid the foundation stone of the Women's Aid movement, there has been increasing public and government awareness of domestic violence to a point where there is no financial or other reason why any woman in the UK should feel compelled to stay in an abusive relationship.

The reasons why women (and men) stay in abusive relationships can be complex and I wish I had £1 for every woman that I've encountered, many of whom have displayed visible injuries caused by their spouses/partners, who has said that they stay with their abuser because they 'love him' or 'for the children' or because 'he loves me'.

The point is, OP, that you don't love your h and you know he doesn't love you - ergo, the only person who is stopping you divesting yourself of this millstone round your neck is you.

This in no way implies that you're weak and feeble, but either you have a death wish mahoosive blind spot or you've become hidebound by inertia.

Our time on this planet is brief and only you have the power to make your time here a positive experience or, at the very least, one that isn't marred by regret.

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 09:37

That's where I'm heading Annie Grin

neuroticmumof3 · 05/02/2012 12:29

Don't get bogged down worrying about details of how your life will work without him or it will all seem insurmountable and you'll stay as you are. Get some legal advice tomorrow and get rid of this abusive man.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page