Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Divorce problem.

37 replies

BiWinning · 04/02/2012 02:29

X-Posted in Chat.

I was married in April 2009. We split in November 2009. We have been living apart with new partners ever since and I signed the divorce papers a month ago.

The day before our wedding H's parents gave us £200 as a wedding present. We used that money along with £150 from H's bank account to buy a camera for the wedding. Once we split he left a guitar and the camera with me and since then I've had promises of a divorce if he'd only get the camera and guitar back. This has gone on for two years. I sold the camera to pay off debts when I was in big financial trouble but kept his beloved guitar. I hold him he could put what he wanted in the divorce. He finally filed for the divorce at the end of 2011 because his new fiancee was pregnant. I signed the papers and sent them back.

H has told me he's got the decree nisi but is refusing to send them in as I haven't given him his camera and guitar. I told him he could have the guitar but the camera is gone. He wants the full £450 back or he won't put the papers in. I live on Income Support and DLA due to mental health issues and mobility problems. I don't have that kind of money and if I did it would be put to better use. I told him it's not too late to put agreements in to the papers but he said he couldn't afford the extra cost at the time, his solicitor says it's too late now and he can't afford to go to a small claims court.

What can I do? I can't give him the money, I don't have a solicitor and he's blackmailing me with the decree nisi. Is there anything I can do? Is he right?

OP posts:

midwife99 · 04/02/2012 03:05

No if the decree nisi has been issued the decree absolute will automatically follow a few weeks later unless one of you goes to court & pays a fee to stop the divorce. His solicitor is right - its too late! I should just ignore him!

Original poster

BiWinning · 04/02/2012 03:09

He's said the decree nisi has to be filed to a third party solicitor before the decree absolute will come through. He's lying to me? No more needs to be done unless he stops the divorce? He's now telling me to "forget about the camera" as I don't have the money and he'll send the paperwork on Monday and I'll receive confirmation from his solicitor by the Friday.

Hmm. I don't know much but after you've said that it makes it seem like he just wants money to change hands. He's playing me, right?

OP posts:

midwife99 · 04/02/2012 03:27

Well I'm no solicitor so could be wrong but when I got divorced I was led to believe that once the decree nisi had been issued the absolute would automatically follow unless one of us took steps to stop it. Do you have a solicitor who can advise you? He's too late to change the terms of the divorce without great expense at any rate!!

Original poster

BiWinning · 04/02/2012 03:53

He's just sent me photos. He has the paperwork and my signed papers that his solicitor gave to him. He has to have it witnessed by a solicitor or the court and then we'll hear about the decree nisi. Once that's pronounced he can't change or stop the divorce without expense to my knowledfge anyway.

OP posts:

midwife99 · 04/02/2012 04:12

Ah I thought you meant the decree nisi had been pronounced by the court already. Sorry yes you have to wait for him to have it witnessed & filed at court. It sounds like it's more urgent for him than you if there's a baby on the way so I reckon hold tight & it'll happen without blackmail!

Original poster

BiWinning · 04/02/2012 04:23

The baby is now 3 months old. He said he doesn't care if it doesn't go through . I think he's playing mind games.

He's agreed to drop the camera but I need to return his things by Sunday evening and he'll send the forms in Monday. I don't know whether to trust him but if I don't send these things back he won't do anything at all.

Would it be worth typing up an agreement and having it signed by him that he'll aply on Monday?

OP posts:

midwife99 · 04/02/2012 04:37

I reckon let him have his guitar no matter what. Do you really want it? Otherwise I would just let him do what he wants re the divorce unless you really want it over with quickly. I learnt to my cost that arguing over the details of a divorce only puts more money into the lawyers pockets!!

Newtothisstuff · 04/02/2012 07:31

Surely if your on benefits you will be entitled to legal aid ?? Tell him to bore off and divorce him

piellabakewell · 04/02/2012 09:07

Decree absolute is NOT automatically issued. I've had my nisi since July 2011 and have not applied for absolute yet as I had to file for a Financial Dispute Resolution hearing at court. When that is resolved (about April) I will apply for the absolute. If there is more than a year between nisi and the application for absolute, you have to explain to the court why there has been a delay but if you have a good reason it isn't a problem.

LyssaM · 04/02/2012 09:47

Years ago the absolute was never automatic, as there was a fee payable and the court will never, ever miss a chance to get a fee, you have to apply.

Try ringing the court and see if you can apply for the nisi yourself. The court staff aren't legally trained, but are supposed to be okay on procedure, and it is worth seeing if you can either apply for the nisi yourself or file an application to move things along (there'll be a fee for any appn). And just give his guitar back and get a receipt - third party to witness if possible.

Are you on enough speaking terms to his new partner to ask her wtf is going on?

midwife99 · 04/02/2012 09:48

Sorry I must have got it wrong - it all happened automatically for me. Maybe my solicitor applied for it on my behalf. Good luck x

izzyizin · 04/02/2012 13:20

It seems to me that there are some porkies flying around as there is no need for a 'third party solicitor' in respect of a Decree Nisi and, from what you've said, I suspect that he hasn't yet filed his Petition with the Court.

If he has filed for divorce a copy of his Petition will be sent to you by the Court at which point you can signify your consent to divorce by signing and returning the documents to the Court.

Once it is satisfied that the paperwork is in order, the Court will notify both spouses in advance of the date on which the Decree Nisi will be pronounced.

After the Decree Nisi has been pronounced, a copy will be sent to both spouses.

Six weeks and one day after pronouncement of the Decree Nisi, the Petitioner (him) can apply for a Decree Absolute - which is usually issued some 7/10 days after the application has been received and, again, will be sent to both spouses.

If the Petitioner does not apply for the Absolute within 4 and a half months of the date the Nisi was pronounced, the Respondent (you) is free to apply - however, before the Respondent makes any such application they are best advised to seek legal advice.

As far as I'm aware, the current Court fee payable on the Petitioner's application for Decree Absolute is £40 and £80 if application is made by the Respondent.

SoupDragon · 04/02/2012 13:26

"No if the decree nisi has been issued the decree absolute will automatically follow a few weeks later"

No, this is not true. The absolute on ly follows on when finances have been agreed.

Anyway, I'd just call his bluff - do you care about the divorce particularly?

You can divorce him yourself after 5 years separation anyway and I don't think he can do anything about it.

Original poster

BiWinning · 04/02/2012 14:38

He said he has D80a forms that he needs to get signed by a witness and sent back to his solicitor to send to the courts. He is refusing to send these without his guitar.

I told him I'd send the guitar to him via a friend on Sunday and he needs to sign an agreement to file these papers on Monday as promised. He's agreed. I have his solicitors information so I can call her to check the paperwork has been filed with her.

If the nisi doesn't go in by next week I will find a solicitor and counter divorce him.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 04/02/2012 15:25

If it's his guitar then give it him back.

RabidEchidna · 04/02/2012 15:33

You can apply for the decree nisi your self, you have to wait 3 month after it is issued and it will cost you £45.

I don't think his pregnant fiancee is going to be happy aboout him not putting in the paper work.

Give him the guitar and apply for the papers yourself

Original poster

BiWinning · 04/02/2012 15:52

The guitar is being given on Sunday. His fiancee has had their son and hasn't been happy about it since day one of the relationship but H was abusive and has no doubt been playing mind games with her too.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 04/02/2012 20:25

As you've been living apart for 2 years, either of you can file to divorce citing 2 years separation providing the other spouse signifies their consent.

Form D80a is an Affidavit in support of a Petition for divorce or judicial separation on the grounds of adultery by the Respondent.

Once the form has been completed by the Petitioner, the Affidavit in support of the Petiton is required to be sworn either in the presence of a Court official (at no cost) or a Commisioner for Oaths who may charge for this service.

Without wishing to pry, is the fact that you committed adultery the reason why your marriage broke down and have you consented to him filing a petition for divorce or for a judicial separation on the grounds of your adultery?

If not, I suggest you take matters into your own hands and divorce him.

Original poster

BiWinning · 05/02/2012 00:19

It wasn't adultery in the legal term. He wouldn't petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour so I told him to file. He told me only if he could file for adultery as I'd met someone after I'd kicked him out. I told him yes as I just wanted this to all be over and it wouldn't damage me in any way. It has still taken over two years to sort out.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 00:59

It's not a good idea to allow him to file for adultery as, from what you've said about him, I wouldn't put it past him to name the party with whom you committed the alleged breach of your marriage vows as co-respondent and, in addition, you could find yourself liable for the costs of the divorce.

You said you've signed some papers and returned them to him? Have you got a copy of the documents you've signed?

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 01:02

As I mentioned earlier, as you've been separated for 2 years, you can divorce by consent on the grounds that you've lived apart for this length of time and there's no need to cite adultery or unreasonable behaviour.

Original poster

BiWinning · 05/02/2012 01:54

The forms have been signed. I don't have a copy. The Co-Respondents name was simply 'Unknown' I have photographs of the document but not a hard copy.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 05/02/2012 02:11

He sounds like a howling bellend who is messing you about for the fun of it. Though giving him back his pesky guitar is a good idea - but after that, stop engaging with him and stop listening to his nonsense about how divorces work.

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 06:18

Regardless of whatever forms have been signed, after he files his Petition for Divorce the Court will send you a copy together with a document that you will need to sign and return to confirm receipt and signify your consent.

As sgb has so aptly put it, the guy's a howling bellend and I wouldn't trust a word he says.

As for the guitar - after what sounds like a marriage made in hell and a 2 year separation, my attitude would be 'what guitar'? Alternatively, if it's not of any great value, I'd return it in a shoebox

As for the adultery, my attitude would be 'prove it'.

You do know that you could have divorced him online at minimal cost (c£40-£50) for his adultery - of which you have proof positive in the form of his dc - several times over in the time it's taken him to get one simple uncontested divorce together?

Original poster

BiWinning · 05/02/2012 06:19

I've decided enough is enough. I am sending his guitar back (the only thing I have of his since myself, my partner and children moved from our ex-marital home) along with a written agreement that everything is settled financially and he will sign the forms and send them to his solicitor who will send them to court. If I haven't had confirmation of the petition of the nisi within two weeks I will be seeing a solicitor who takes legal aid and I will be filing a counter divorce. I'll take him to court and I'll get what I need my way.

This is so unfair on our partners. He has been with his fiancee since the week after I kicked him out. They have a child together. I have been with my partner for the same amount of time and we have two DC's together (complicated - he was DC1's biological father after a one night stand, after I kicked out H we got back together and ended up falling pregnant with DC2). DP desperately wants this over with as he wants to put a ring on my finger and marry me but obviously during this time this isn't an option. While our relationship is secure and he handles it all tremendously well it's obviously a stress on me and therefore our relationship when all he has done for the past two years is mess with my head.

He once got hold of my NI number and got his fiancee to call DWP to tell them I was working and to cancel my IS and DLA claim. It took weeks to get that back and nothing was ever proved (he told me himself he'd done this but I had no proof - it was my word against his). He had debt coming to my old property and I had no address to send it to. He'd take out new laptops and iPad's in his name but at my address and wouldn't pay the bills so I'd have letters threatening bailiffs. It was all such a mess and DP did very well not to punch him half the time. I've filed for divorce and the one time the papers did get to him he ripped up the forms on a webcam video and sent them to me via e-mail. He's the worst mistake I have ever made and I just can't come to terms with the fact he would want to be with someone he obviously despises after all this time with a new partner etc over a camera and a guitar. Baffling.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2