how to move on from a complete breakdown of sibling relationship?

[changeneeded]

I am experiencing a break down in relationship beween myself and 2 of my siblings who are close to each other. I have another sibling living away, so not really caught up in it and I find it difficult to talk about this with them for many reasons, mainly I dont want them to be in the middle of all this conflict.

we were once so very very close a few silly things have occured between us, disagreement unreasonable arguments on all parts, but I fell like I am being scape goated and gas lighted, maybe not conciously but It is begining to make me question my own moral fibres, alough rationally I know this is not all down to me, we all have our part to play, I feel Im quick to admit and applogise, but never get it back in return, therefor making it easy to turn everything on me.

An incident occured today in which my brother swore very very agressivly and repeatedly to my dd aged 5 as she had accidently him in play fighting, which has been an issue in the past, you know when an adult gets a child so excited and then they lose thier temper with the child for going over boared. I removed my dd from the situation and went home without even comenting, on leaving dd beacame very very hysterical, she has b=never experienced someon talk like that let alone to her.

walk home calmed down, called to see if he was O.K as I felt bad I had not stuck around to this at the time, but had no chioce. Only to be met by a barrage of abuse, so I hung up.

I had a panick attack this evening over this and just feel I need to move on from this, It is now making me ill, I cant deal with the constant conflict, to then allways be turned on me. It is making me question If I am a problematic person, I know Im not in any other are of my life, however im a single parent and feel this is always a contributing factor, I just dont think I would be treated like this if I had a partner to interveen, they just would not infantize me all the time.

I dont want to go into history as I think It may identify me.

I need to make a clean break from them, I have no living parents and so they are my only family, they are very close and I feel like im on the preiphery just wanting what once was and the closeness they share, but it will notr happen now, it breaks my heart to say but I feel I need a total cut from them, anyone any experience?

we had a troubled upbrining but all function well despite this due to the love from my mum she was wonderfull but gaced DV, and I am the youngest I just feel this a cause and transference of something from them both. But it is making me ill and i need to move on.

when i say functioning well Im mean in work, educationaly, socially etc, obviously not in our own relationship.

Can you write to them to tell them how you feel or get your other sibling to help?

well I suppose I could write but unsure this would really help, my other sibling attempted this last time they visited, but It just ended in a very big row and the relationship between the three of us detriorated even more to the extent one of them only talks to me when our children are around together. birthdays really and thats it.

the sibling that lives away is a bit of an osrtritch. gets along with each and every one of us but does not really know how to comment etc on the conflict so it is always now just unsaid or not talked about.

I feel no matter what I do it will be wrong and the damage is now irreversible, I just need coping tecniques. desperate I knw but seems the reality.

I have experienced a similar situation to yourself being one of 4 siblings myself. I felt exactly like you.

After the last time one of my siblings decided to give me the cold shoulder over something I have no idea about still and my other siblings followed on I decided for the sake of me and my family I had to walk away. It has been going on for over 20 years and I don't want to spend the next 20 years stuck in the same rut with them.

I have never been so happy and so free of blame and being made to feel bad for breathing at times.

You have to do what is right for you. I know that doesn't help much but I found that repeatedly trying to 'fix' the problem just resulted in more upset for me and my children.

sparkle that is so true, and reading has made me cry again!!! I just dont know how to do it? do you still have your parents around or any family you are close to?

My father died many years ago but my mum is still here.

All I did was tell myself enough is enough and my life has no room for this head**king anymore. Because that is how it felt to me and to be rejected repeatedly by my siblings was killing me inside and eating at my self esteem. It was making me wonder if I was being unreasonable and if there was something wrong with my outlook on life, whether I was nuts, whether other people thought I was nuts. I just couldn't live with it any more.

So once I made the decision I told my DH, he said he would help me through and for about 6-8weeks I was teary on a daily basis but since christmas I have not cried at all and although I still love them they are now firmly in my past. Removing them from my life has left space for lots of lovely, healthy-minded people to come in. It is very liberating.

What do you want to do really in your heart? Do you want to try and resolve your relationship with them or have your life without them in it?

I really would want to resolve it, but not sure it is possible. Also then ot will be just me and dd and she does lover cousins and auntys and ucles but even she notices the gap, she is aware of things they have done together and asks why she hasnt she sees them picking each other up from school and asks if she can go along to, they used to take her if she asked them, but now they dont even bother doing that.

I do honestly question if I have some problems Mh etc causing the break down but then I go to work and function with coleagues, I dont socialise much but due to work study dd etc, but I have friends and so although I know I dont have problems it is the self esteem that is making me question I rationally know that but it is fucking with my head.

In an ideal world I want it fixed but just feel and have done for some months I need to not have them in my life. But I worry for dd as she has no siblings and I love my neices and nephew and so does she and so do not want to make the wrong choice for her, but she is becoming aware of it, one of my nephews is quite unkind to her sometimes and wonder if he is being influenced by what he witnesses between us, so I suppose what Im saying is for me I want to make a clean break, but have to consider dd.

I have felt for some months I feel I need to not have in my life...major typo sorry

It is not your mental health - I can't re call the term for it but it's part of how they make you feel in order to control your behaviour.

My children have just gotten past the point of asking repeatedly to see their cousins. It was heart breaking every time they ask me and even now my youngest still asks for her aunt - it makes me well up but I just calmly tell her 'not today sweetie'.

I am lucky in that I have friends who have lovely children and who my children are close too. We have gone on holiday together and support each other at family occasions, they are my family now.

It is not easy - is it?

gaslighting is the term, and that is exactly how it feels.

Not easy at all no, and thank you so much for your support. I will come back to the thread tomorrow. But you have been so very brave, I have friends and as dd devolping they are growing aswell, but sometimes despite this I do feel very isolated with this problem.

It is also the silly things like I better phone them as if I dont I wonder if they will ever ever phone me ever again. I feel silly for even thinking that and so I call as I cant stand the idea of actually doing that and knowing they will not ever ever phone me, so some times I have a straned 10 min converstaion other times I leave a message and if im lucky 2 weeks later my brothers wife will call just to talk to dd or my neice will call just to talk to me and dd and that makes me angry. what a very silly thought. but it confirms the starin in the relationship.

thank you again and keep strong, sounds like you have it worked out and you are very happy.

Changeneeded you will get there.

also our children go to the same school, so that is difficult and it is a wonderfull school so i could not remove her.

I've just cut off my siblings for the final time - I tried it a few times but this time it is permanent. I agree with soiree that it is bliss to have them out of my life. The agony of having them in it - well, impossible to describe: endless bullying and abuse, headworking, gaslighting etc etc. Just overjoyed that I've put paid to them for good.

the only thing I regret is that I didn't do it sooner. If I had my time again I wouldn't have exposed my kids to them and their poison but, like you change, I felt the pressure of not depriving my kids of 'family'. How I wish I had had the courage of my convictions years ago!! I really do appreicate you calling because you can't bear that they won't call you - but sweetheart you have to accept what they're like. I wish someone had said that to me years ago. The pain of accepting it is nowhere near as bad as living with it. I would suggest you get some professional support to recognise abusive relationships. People dn't talk much about sibling abuse because it flies under the radar somehow but it is deadly. Cut them off, for good.

btw it's not you who is mad.

I attempted to call my brother a couple of times yesterday but he did not answer, so I text this morning saying how I feel, along the lines of basically the constaant conflict is to much for me to deal with, have to think of dd and I happyness and that I feel the damamage is ireversible, that I love them but feel I have lost them and I canot let it make me feel like this, so then said I am here if you want to fix this, but it will take all of us to fix this.

I feel I have layed my cards on the table now and is ultimatly up to him now and than maybe if willing get my sis involved in attemping to address things, This is the last time I will attempt to, I have had no reply, just a blank text from him so not sure if or what it was ment to say. But I am not convinced it will not just be fule to get at me or blank me even more.

I may go to my GP to talk about councelling thank you.

Heared

random word on botton of post there how odd

Well done for making a stand. I doubt you will get any joy from it ie that he/they'll come round. They've been bullying you for too long to suddenly turn around and say 'hey, yeah, we've been horrible to you'. It takes a certain type of person to consistently bully over a long period of time - the type who has no intention of facing what they're doing.

That said, you/we went back for more! The message then is 'fine, treat me like shit, I'll come back for more'. You've stopped that now. Well done.

I just need to attempt to put it behind me now, somehow. But that will be difficult as see at least one of them most days at school, But I will remain as much as I can civil if in a cituation we are forced together, especially for the children as that is the thing that is holding me back, that will be hard, but dont see any other way.

and thank you springy

Springy I can relate to your regret about not having done it sooner.

I really wouldn't bother being civil - it's a sheer waste of breath and effort, they are ignorant pigs and it is wasted on them. I'm very angry, personally, that your brother screamed in your child's face. Ok, he may have been vile to you for a very long time but when it comes to our kids, this is where it STOPS. (It should've stopped with us but they have a way of making us feel we deserve it somehow.) He is as ignorant as shit (to spell it out succinctly).

I am not bitter, just resolute. I'm not horrible to them, certainly not to get a reaction, the reaction I want: 'hey, yeah, we've been horrible to you' - that plain is never (ever!) going to come. I went to a support group once - and thinking of looking it up again - for adult 'children' of dysfunctional families. yy I know people say that every family is dysfunctional to a degree - but, hey, our families just push that idea right out there and over a cliff.

Get away from them change. Don't bother to be civil. Pearls before swine - literally in your case.

I dont intend to talk to him full stop after swaering at my dd, I was thinking more civil to my sister and sil. I really dont know how to handle that.

Maybe a break through with my sister today, she was ment to be watching my dd for a couple of hours tomorrow, but I had not heard from her over the weekend so made an assumption that brother had made her aware and so she was giving me the cold shoulder.

However she contacted me to see what time etc she chatted to more today on the phone more than she has for the past year and it sounded quite genuine. See how that goes, maybe I was wrong to clump her in with the incident of friday as realisitclly it was nothing to do with her, but felt at the time and still do to a certain extent, it was example of yet another cause of conflic between us all. she is similar to my brother and our relationship has dramaticaly changed over the year due to her taking his side and resulting in our own fall out. Maybe she has been made aware by him and sympathisises, she did not mention the incident but I may well mention it to her tomorrow to see what her reaction is.

incidently not sure if this is relevent or helpfull to any of you, but was doing some reseach unrelated to the thread but for uni and came across this and I have bought it, may be relevent to helping me with some of this.

Has that happened to you? re the title of the book.

not me but has happened within my family, although I am aware of some things that happened to me that did not sit right with me as a young child but memory is vague, so I feel it is something I have carried around with an eliment of uncertanty. I think that is a major issue between us all there is some uncertanty and some of us.

woh, that's a biggie then

Would you go for family therapy? Have you ever discussed what happened, and to whom?

Whatever happened, it's not your fault . As so often happens in families with a pile of shit at the core, they choose one to take it out on: the scapegoat.