how to move on from a complete breakdown of sibling relationship?

[changeneeded]

I am experiencing a break down in relationship beween myself and 2 of my siblings who are close to each other. I have another sibling living away, so not really caught up in it and I find it difficult to talk about this with them for many reasons, mainly I dont want them to be in the middle of all this conflict.

we were once so very very close a few silly things have occured between us, disagreement unreasonable arguments on all parts, but I fell like I am being scape goated and gas lighted, maybe not conciously but It is begining to make me question my own moral fibres, alough rationally I know this is not all down to me, we all have our part to play, I feel Im quick to admit and applogise, but never get it back in return, therefor making it easy to turn everything on me.

An incident occured today in which my brother swore very very agressivly and repeatedly to my dd aged 5 as she had accidently him in play fighting, which has been an issue in the past, you know when an adult gets a child so excited and then they lose thier temper with the child for going over boared. I removed my dd from the situation and went home without even comenting, on leaving dd beacame very very hysterical, she has b=never experienced someon talk like that let alone to her.

walk home calmed down, called to see if he was O.K as I felt bad I had not stuck around to this at the time, but had no chioce. Only to be met by a barrage of abuse, so I hung up.

I had a panick attack this evening over this and just feel I need to move on from this, It is now making me ill, I cant deal with the constant conflict, to then allways be turned on me. It is making me question If I am a problematic person, I know Im not in any other are of my life, however im a single parent and feel this is always a contributing factor, I just dont think I would be treated like this if I had a partner to interveen, they just would not infantize me all the time.

I dont want to go into history as I think It may identify me.

I need to make a clean break from them, I have no living parents and so they are my only family, they are very close and I feel like im on the preiphery just wanting what once was and the closeness they share, but it will notr happen now, it breaks my heart to say but I feel I need a total cut from them, anyone any experience?

we had a troubled upbrining but all function well despite this due to the love from my mum she was wonderfull but gaced DV, and I am the youngest I just feel this a cause and transference of something from them both. But it is making me ill and i need to move on.

it has been discussed with us but not between all of us, its kind of the elephant in room, It is not out there in the open for everyone, even though we all know, if that makes, it is a well known secret. I have never spoken to either of my brothers about it but have to my sis and both sis in laws. sectrets and sceletons hey!!

Im not sure family therapy is something that would be agreed by all.

do you think that that is something that would change how I respond to what is happening, spring? I have thought alot about since talking with my sis today and it just seems so difficult to say right I will cut them out of my life.

It's strange but the upsetting of my children was where 'it kicked in' for me to sort this mess out.

The love of kids is a powerful driving force in generally healthy families.

It is extremely difficult, I agree - which is why it has taken me nearly 30 years to do it! I SO SO wish I had done it before!

I really think you can't do it without professional support. There are books out there re dysfunctional families, survivors of childhood sexual abuse etc - many books - and, as with most of us who have had the misfortune to be born into poisonous families, we all have to read them to try to get a handle on what happened and is happening to us. I think each member of the family, also, has to do it separately ie go on their own journey. You have to do this yourself change, on your own. I would suggest a therapist to pick through all this - who will definitely give you support and help you to see the dynamics of your family clearly.

it's hard for you if you're seeing them every day. Even though my family are in the same city, I pray I don't bump into them. I don't want to see their faces or have any evidence that they exist - I have to get myself steady! Curiously, I don't wish them ill (at all!): I just don't want them in my life in any shape or form.

it is but in what you say is also a difficult notion as my dd today and yesterday seems totally uneffected by what happend, other than she asked if she could see her cousin, his daughter, so she maybe was responding to that worry that it may also affect the relationship, am I looking to far into it.

But it makes me think, in a way should I just keep things as they are as her cousins and aunts and uncles are so important to her. I could push for all of us to face up to things but that in its self could be damaging to relationships, or do I just cut him out. that is the dilema im now thinking.

But it would also be conter productive to my own esteem and happyness to allow things to just continue and come to ahead yet again some months down the line.

You may be forcing them to 'see things' that they don't believe are there, except in your mind. That whole Gaslighting thing we mentioned up thread.

You may be setting yourself up for me upset. you can take a horse to water etc..

posted before read your second post.

I think that is great and very sensible advice. I have already planned to go and see my GP and request counceling.

I know CBT is offered very quickly in my area, In fact one of my best friends is a CBT therapist in my area.

I talked to her at christmas about how I was feeling and she suggested I talk to GP and explain the situation, she gave me the name of her collegue and to tell him to make the referal directly to her, so it does not come on to my friends case load.

I trust her immensly so I would be comfertable talking to her collegue and still trust her.

Maybe I will be couargeous enough to pass the book on to my sister once I have read it.

I suspect our daughter accepts the situation because she is, sadly, already used to this sort of thing going on. You said you called your brother to see if he was ok after he had screamed into your dd's face - you see, change? YOu're conditioned to go along with it, to the point that you ask him if he's ok, when he has been extremely abusive.

It will come to a head again - only it will get worse. If you look back, you will see it has gradually got worse over time. You do need to put a stop to it BUT you will need a professional to guide and support you through it. Do you have access to counselling through work/uni? If so, use it. Look out for some support groups for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse (even if you weren't a victim - though you aren't sure - everyone in the family is affected by it if it is going on in the family). Read all the books you can. I also think you will need to look for a counsellor who specialises in childhood sexual abuse. YOu need someone who is specifically knowledgeable in this area and understands the dynamics around it.

I'm not in your family and can't possibly have in-depth knowledge re the way you relate to one another. It's not as easy as OFF WITH THEIR HEADS (re: cut them off): you have to know what you're doing right the way through the process. You will need specialised, professional support for that imo.

I see what you are both saying, I have looked at it today in a very unemotional way and what happened on friday has confirmed the gaslighting and scape goating. I understand from you both that is something that may never change and yes I may be attempting to make them see things that are not there and I could go on for ever attempting to make them see it, but I cant let that eat away at my self esteem. I think I will not make any final decissions untill I have at least explored councelling a little more. I kind of feel that even thinking this way and the support you have both given has made me strong wnough to stop doubting my own behaviour and Mh and consider things in a more realistic, way.

I'm not sure CBT is applicable to what you are facing, though it could add to your armoury as it were. CBT is more to help those suffering with obtrustive, unhelpful and negative thoughts and thinking, as so often happens when we are eg depressed or anxious (and we all get a bit of that at some time or other..). YOu may be experiencing these - in which case, it will be helpful. But you need a speicialist counsellor to talk through the specific issues in your family imo.

I am greatfull also very how sound and sensitive your advice is. I just hope one day I will be as strong as you both are.

ironically I have been doing some reasearch for uni about survivours of sexual abuse, only the begining of last week, I have a group presentation to do on preparing for disclosure, Im also very aware for what im studying I will require some councelling myself prior to fianl qualification to deal with some of this. Im generally equipt to manage it just now, in terms of studya etc but it may cross over at some point.

Yes, soiree's posts have helped me too. It's been a helpful thread all round. Painful subject, but helpful.

I know cbt is probably not the best but the thought of a more psychdynamic approach would be difficult for me just now. So maybe would equipt me with some strenghth to then go forward.

What are you studying, change?

have you both had talking therapy? and if so what approach, if you are comfertable saying, if not that is fine.

social work, I was attempting to be quite vague through out thread and initial op, incase anyone would recognise me but that does not matter now, Iv name changed anyway

Good point, change.

x-posting like crazy here!

Yes I've had a lot of talking therapy. And books, and support groups, and you name it, I've tried it

A therapist makes you feel sane in a nanosecond. Don't go to one who sits there going hmmmm - you don't need that right now. YOu need someone who is proactive and supports dialogue, feeds back from a trained perspective what they believe is happening.

i suppose that would need to be privatly funded and not offered on the nhs? I am looking forwrd to that book arriving, it is maybe the start of my jouney.

can I just say thank you both, you have been a couple of rocks in a very difficult weekend. Not my usual mn style but for you both.

I will post again but need to get to bed before i become consumed in it all again.

you could get it on the NHS but it's dang difficult - and the 6-week stuff the GP offers is not appropriate in a situation like yours imo. You need longer than 6 weeks for a start...

thank you for the flowers!

NIght - sleep well X

It's good when you realise there are people experiencing the same thing and it validates your feelings.

How are you this evening Change?

Im doing ok, I managed to bang out 900 words for an essay made up for what I did not manage over the weekend. Im actually feeling ok about things. Have had no contact from my brother that is good dont want to see him. It went ok with my sister watching dd and we got on well.

Good. Glad to hear it went ok with your sister. Small baby steps!