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Original poster

He doesn't fancy me anymore

58 replies

Abirosie · 22/01/2006 11:24

I have just had a major shock over the last few days. My H has admitted he doesn't fancy me anymore. He says he loves me but no longer fancies me. I am only 27 and have put on a little bit of weight since we have been marrie but i am still only a 12-14. I am not an ugly person to look at just normal i guess.

It has torn me apart and now feel i can't carry on our marriage. We have been married 8 years and have an 18 month old baby, i know the spark usually goes after a while but i am still young and want to be desired. Am i being silly

OP posts:
Meanoldmummy · 22/01/2006 18:12

Are YOU happy with the way you look Abirosie? Sometimes if women are discontented with their appearance/figure they send out "hands-off" signals to their partner without realising it. I don't know, it's just an idea

Original poster
Abirosie · 22/01/2006 18:13

I don't mean to be arrogant, but i am working in an office and usually always smart try to be sexyish anyway and don't look the mumsy type either and so don't think this tact would work.

Underwear has never been a big thing for him K Moss types are his thing obv.

OP posts:
Meanoldmummy · 22/01/2006 18:15

Well maybe he is just a shallow arsehole then...but wouldn't you have noticed before? Anyway, 12-14 is still a nice slim figure. I still think he might have some other bug up his ass.

Original poster
Abirosie · 22/01/2006 18:17

I am happy with me. The guys at work always make the right noises (Of course i don't encourage it)One of them decided to jump on me at the xmas do!
(My last posting big drunken mistake)but he was o.k about this as i was honest.

OP posts:
Amateurpsych · 22/01/2006 18:48

I think that. in a funny sort of way it takes a lot of guts for a man to actually come right out and admit that he doesn't fancy you, IFSWIM. My DH did this once (I felt similar to the way you did) and in the end it was because he felt under pressure from loads of things. It was clouding his judgement and he just got v confused.
If he fancied you once he can fancy you again - I am positive of that.

You are not being silly.

Men, insensitive b*ers at times, arent they.

Meanoldmummy · 22/01/2006 18:49

I think your options are then:

  1. Gently but insistently make him talk to you. Take the lead and get him to tell you when his feelings changed, why, and what you can do about it.

  2. Cool off on him, get on with your life/work/looking and feeling terrific, and let him think you don't give a bugger what he thinks, YOU fancy you, and lots of other men would too!

  3. Leave him.

PeachyClair · 22/01/2006 20:00

Get some counselling for you both. I would have sworn I didn't fancy Dh when our relationship was bad a few years ago, but we're through it now. Maybe he is hitting an early mid life crisis, is going through a bad time for some other reason, has PND (it happens to men too!)... or maybe yes, he doesn't fancy you any more. You need to know the reason before taking a decision. You can go to Relate on your own, but if he loves you he might go too.

nooka · 22/01/2006 20:02

I guess I think there are a number of things that could be going on - Maybe his sex drive has got low - ie he doesn't fancy anyone at the moment? Maybe he isn't feeling emotionally connected to you (can happen with the dynamics of a relationship changing with children arriving) Perhaps he just annoyed to be asked and gave you a flip answer - or maybe he really doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore. You aren't going to know unless you pursue it. I'm sorry it's a horrible thing to hear, because it is very difficult to know what to say/do next. Hope things get better for you.

SauerKraut · 22/01/2006 20:21

Abirosie, it seems to me that there are two issues here, one of which is less important than the other. First, fancying- I think this goes up and down in any relationship. If I am sprawling on the sofa with my pjs on and my finger up my nose my dh will fancy me less than if I am ready to go out in my new boots and skirt. Second- the underlying affection based on other things than just pure fancying which develops in a long-term relationship. If the affection is there- and that's what you need to find out-, the non-fancying period doesn't matter too much IMO.

crazydazy · 22/01/2006 21:17

I agree with SauerKraut, I am sure DP would love it if I looked gorgeous 24/7 and I am sure he fancies me more when we are going out than when he sees me when I get up on a morning (can tell you its not a pretty sight) but tbh I am quite confident in the fact that he loves me all the time but maybe fancies me at more times than others and so it doesn't worry me.

I think he has definitely battered your self esteem Abirosie when really thats the last thing women want to hear most of the time.

forestfern · 23/01/2006 01:05

Never let somebody destroy yours self-eteem!Some men go off their partner when the challenge is over. Some feel that the child bearing area is not sexy in an availability sense. Some say that they need the top shelf every week to have the "new" chick on the block all the time.

Never personalise it. Stay in the shape that you feel happy with. Love your child/children and never let them have power over you sexually. What so many men want is power one way or another. They can be loving and supportive, but they can be nasty peices of shit!

lazyanna · 23/01/2006 08:19

If you find out howto make him fancy you again, do let me know - I'm not going to let the same situation be the end of my marriage, but it does lay me low sometimes.

Original poster
Abirosie · 23/01/2006 11:32

W e had a talk about it and he says the way my weight is going he is not happy as i reached 10.8 just recently, i have however dropped to 10.2 this morning. Prob through stress and not eating.

I won't be sleeping with him again not after this anything could be going through his head while we are "busy".

He doesn't see what the big deal is and said that "if i wanted a big woman i would have married one"

OP posts:
cod · 23/01/2006 11:33

Message withdrawn

GDG · 23/01/2006 11:36

@ Amb. post

Git

Bettikitten · 23/01/2006 11:51

Abirosie you should have said "why not I married a little prick didn't I?"

What a Tosser, cannot abide men like that...who does he think he is telling you how you should look......arsehole, sorry but he is

lou33 · 23/01/2006 13:23

Is he a perfect speciman in manlihood himself?

Things like this make my blood boil

nooka · 23/01/2006 21:28

Abirosie - didn't you say you were a size 12-14? There is no way you are a "big woman"! I bet he has changed a bit in the last eight years. That's just such a nasty thing to say. I think that (in theory anyway) I would go down cod's line. None of us are perfect, and if he is so interested in the surface then he is really not a nice person at all. I bet you look lovely!

Meanoldmummy · 23/01/2006 21:37

I agree with cod as well, on the whole. Don't be someone who can be bullied. You sound like an attractive, SLIM, confident, professional young mum. He's lucky to have you - make him realise it!!

DottieParker · 23/01/2006 22:33

You to him " Darling, if all that makes this marriage work is your attraction to my c*nt, then we are surely doomed. I however am far more attracted to tasteful, witty and intelligent men. Contrary to popular opinion, of late i find them in abundance."

beejay · 24/01/2006 10:26

FWIW you sound like a v attractive woman...I think men often make disparaging comments in order to try and control their partners.

ggglimpopo · 24/01/2006 10:27

Message withdrawn

mummytosteven · 24/01/2006 10:28

10 stone isn't big. It's not skinny, but it's BMI 25 - i.e. a perfectly healthy weight. Is he normally controlling/disparaging of your appearance?

QE2 · 24/01/2006 10:33

Abirosie, are you married to my ex-dh??? He told me that he considered my body to be nothing more than a baby-making machine and didn't find me sexually attractive anymore. I was gutted, felt hideous. It was the beginning of the end for us. I couldn't feel sexy with him ever again.

fwiw, this is his problem, not yours. imo it is an attempt to deflect from his own shortcomings and to make himself feel better by having a go at you so you feel awful. Pathetic little man.

beejay · 24/01/2006 10:52

My ex told me he thought my body had been ruined by childbirth-- my current partner says he could never tell I'd even had a baby.
The truth is somewhere in between, but just goes to show how subjective these things are