So stroppy

[dukeofpork]

Ok, I am lucky enough to have a kind, hardworking, honest DP. He spends lots of time with DC1 too, freeing me up to look after DS2 of 4 months. He's super tidy, super organized and pretty hands on.
But he is unbelievably stroppy, impatient and has prone to (minor) violent outbreaks eg slamming doors, stamping feet, banging things down, etc.
He has kindly taken DS1 to nursery today but this involved 1 1/2 hours of yelling, door slamming, tears from DS1, a real go at me, heavy sighing all the time. It was a horrible start to the day and quite honestly I would rather have done it myself and avoided all that negativity.
I have tried talking about it but he just gets defensive and stroppy. Obv now my sons are going to think it is s normal way to behave and soon I'll have 3 of them in the house. And poor DS1 :( he's 3. 3 year olds are by definition frustrating and take ages to do things. He shouldn't be made to cry over it should he?
Am I over reacting? I just noticed it this morning more than ever as DH has just returned from a week away. As I say, he is pretty good bloke in all other respects. No one is perfect. Am I making a huge fuss over a minor personality flaw?
Sorry to go on about this.

Re-read your post.You need to edit out all the "lucky" and "kind" stuff, because you aren't, and he isn't.

He sounds like a toddler.

It doesn't sound like a minor personality flaw to me, he sounds like an arse.

Thanks Bucharest. Been trying to decide whether you are being a bit harsh or i am being a bit doormatty

Agree with Bucharest. He doesn't sound kind at all. Don't fool yourself into thinking it is just a 'minor personality flaw' in order to justify his behaviour. Also what is so kind about him offering to take your son to nursery? That should just be normal, not seen as a huge favour. He sounds horrid to be honest.

Your not lucky , hes far from kind , and its certainly not normal .

He sounds like a horrible bully , what adult man tantrums and bangs things around in front of 2 small children . You say he makes your son cry ? Absoluteley appalling . Its no minor flaw .

It sounds like you have become gratefull for normal . Its not kind of him to take his own son to nursery , its normal and all parents do this . The banging doors and shouting must be horrible for your children to witness and very intimidating for all of you .

This minor personality flaw you describe , does he have that every where he goes or does it only happen at home ? Does he bang doors at work , yell at his boss ? Have you ever seen him go round to anyone elses home , bang stuff around and make their children cry ? Ill bet you havent , and ill bet he has never done it in front of visiters either .

This go he had at you , did that involve him calling you nasty names and swearing at you ?

Oh crikey I think I am beginning to realize something that I have been sticking my head in the sand about for a while ....

@ diggs: he had a go at me about the lack of ground rules for our 3 yo. This was because he got up from the table before finishing his croissant and then went back to finish it after a few minutes. Hardly a hanging offence!

I am a bit shaky now after beginning to look at this from a sensible perspective. Oh man. Where do I go from here?

No you are not over-reacting and it's not a minor thing at all.

How would a kind man who had missed his family while he was away last week have behaved this morning?

Are your standards of acceptable behaviour far too low?

Do you think that anything he does WRT the house or caring for his own children are 'favours'? Why?

Even if he does have concerns regarding behaviour , the way to resolve that would be a calm chat when the children are not present , with a veiw to what you can BOTH do to ensure theres some basic rules . Verbally berating you in front of your children isnt on . To be honest it simply sounds like it was an excuse for him to find fault .

Where to go from here ?
I would start by googling Emotional Abuse , and Verbal Abuse .I would read all i could about it . I would also look into doing the Freedom Programme on line . I would no longer be willing to make excuses for him by referring to it as a strop or a minor flaw . I would consider carefully why he feels its acceptable to do this to you but no one else . Id consider also whether you would tolerate this sort of behaviour from a freind or a neighbour . If not , why not ? Do you feel that it is his right as your husband to abuse you and its just one of those things ?

I would also add that your concerns about your children thinking it acceptable are absoluteley correct . As they get older they too will adopt that behaviour . They will begin to veiw you as the bad guy ( mummy is upsetting daddy again ) and they will also veiw you as weak . Your husband will likeley support them in their rages against you .

If expecting him to take your dc to nursery produces 1 and a half hours of tantrum, then he's not kind is he? He's selfish and a bully, which aren't minor flaws....they're pretty big ones.

Do not be treated like this and out up with it OP. xxx

put not out

It's not going to do your son a lot of good having a dad like this. He may well become like him, angry and prone to flying off the handle - he may become very quiet and withdrawn and have no self-confidence - or both. Your dc need to be able to trust in their parents.

If they know at any time dad may start shouting and banging around the place for trivial or no apparent reasons, they're going to grow up wary.

He has kindly taken DS1 to nursery today but this involved 1 1/2 hours of yelling, door slamming, tears from DS1, a real go at me, heavy sighing all the time. It was a horrible start to the day and quite honestly I would rather have done it myself and avoided all that negativity

Quite. What's the bets you don't ask him to take your dc to nursery again for ages, for fear of a repeat performance.
So his bullying tactic worked didn't it?

Mine does this, but swears as well. After a particularly violent outburst on Sunday, DS has now grasped the term 'fuck it' and applies it to everything that doesn't go his way. He is not quite 2. :(

I will be watching this thread with interest.

And just to reassure you - you are not being over sensitive, you are not making a big deal out of nothing, and you are not taking his bad behaviour too seriously either....or any other dismissive-of-your-opinion-and-feelings clap trap he might spout in order to stop you making a fuss about it.

If it feels wrong, then it is. No matter how he downplays it.

He sounds really horrible. I live with someone like that for 9 years. I'm getting a tight feeling in my chest just reading about it. It's abuse. What are you going to do?

Another way to look at it is like this...

Would YOU behave like that?
No?
Why not?

Absolutely.

Sorry you are in the same boat baroness . Pm me if you ever want/need to. We have had the same thing here but with another swear word and kicking the wall after a spectacularly unsuccessful bout if DIY. DS1 eventually understood that it was a bad word to say. His dad was at least sorry about it and supportive in getting him to stop saying it.
Good advice on mn though for both of us

And yet another angle....

Does he behave like that in response to anyone else? His boss? His friends? His mother?

Why not?

And why then, is it ok for YOU to be on the receiving end?

I'm not clanging the toll of death on your relationship OP, but you need to be realistic and see his behaviour for what it is, if you are ever to move on and ring positive changes.

I will talk to him again this evening I think. Very firmly.
Thanks for helping me get some perspective

Good luck. xxx

dukeofpork Yes, DH is also mortified and cringes every time DS says it. He knows it didn't learn it from me. Thing is, I've ignored his behaviour, temper and swearing for years. When it was just me it didn't seem to matter, but now DS is here I just don't want to tolerate it anymore. I'm sick of pussyfooting around and taking on extra work just to avoid an outburst, and now I'm so knackered and busy with DS I just don't have the physical or emotional energy left anymore. And I don't want DS growing up thinking that this is normal behaviour. Thing is, DH's own father is the same, and he thinks he's a nob because of it. I just can't get him to see that he's doing it too.

I dont think it is the case that these men cant see what they are doing . They know enough not to do it to other people ( especially other men ) .

The problem is they feel entitled to do it to their wives which is why they become instantly defensive when the issue is raised , its really that simple . I raised this a thousand times during my marriage and usually met with fake indignation / im not that bad / your too sensitive / you made me do it , im sure lots of us have heard this . A real eye opener is when you ask them if theyve ever called the woman at work a fucking stupid bitch and the reply is Of course not .I wouldnt . Shes not my wife.

This resonates deeply with me, particularly the angry verbal outbursts (definitely modelled from FIL who has no qualms about yelling at MIL/DP in front of others) over seemingly innocuous things. Also he swearing - DS has been saying "oh fuck" when he drops something and it's definitely not me who says that as I don't even say OMG in front of him (there was a zero-tolerance rule on any swearing in my family home).

I have tried to speak to DP about his temper tantrums, irrational rages, shouting and swearing as I get sick of having to tiptoe around him, behaving like some sort of surrendered wife. Hasn't met with a great del of success as it tends to provoke another outburst of moodiness, especially when coupled with him drinking or being hungover.

Ended up getting to the point where I kept a record of his behaviour and re-read to check I wasn't overreacting, then summarised for him in an email. Have said I won't put up withbit, I wasn't raised in a volatile, shouty house and DS won't be either. I tink the implication of that hit home as I have noticed much longer periods of calm, though still not totally improved. The biggest wake up call for me was the fact that I was modifying my own behaviour to avoid enraging him so as to protect DS, which just seemed backwards - surely it should be him doing the modifying?

In my very honest opinion, having been there and worn the t-shirt, is that it is a complete waste of time trying to understand him and get him to change.

It's his issue to deal with, not yours. You shouldn't, and won't be able to ring the changes for him. Give up trying to understand it/justify it/excuse it/make him behave better - he does it because he wants to and feels entitled to. That's it.

The only thing YOU can change, in this situation, is what YOU are prepared to tolerate. If you don't want to spend your life being spoken to like shite, while walking on eggshells, not daring to ask him to pull his weight for fear of the reaction you'll get, so as not to set him off, then don't.

That doesn't mean it's the end of your marriage overall, but it's the end of your marriage as it is currently run.

I agree with Pictish, you can't change his behaviour, you will continue to walk on egg shells and he will continue to have temper tantrums. If anything, things will get worse rather than better. At some point he may stop hitting walls and start hitting you. This kind of behaviour also has a terrible effect on dc. Not only do they copy it but they are confused by irrational and unpredictable outbursts and may think they are to blame.