So stroppy

[dukeofpork]

Ok, I am lucky enough to have a kind, hardworking, honest DP. He spends lots of time with DC1 too, freeing me up to look after DS2 of 4 months. He's super tidy, super organized and pretty hands on.
But he is unbelievably stroppy, impatient and has prone to (minor) violent outbreaks eg slamming doors, stamping feet, banging things down, etc.
He has kindly taken DS1 to nursery today but this involved 1 1/2 hours of yelling, door slamming, tears from DS1, a real go at me, heavy sighing all the time. It was a horrible start to the day and quite honestly I would rather have done it myself and avoided all that negativity.
I have tried talking about it but he just gets defensive and stroppy. Obv now my sons are going to think it is s normal way to behave and soon I'll have 3 of them in the house. And poor DS1 :( he's 3. 3 year olds are by definition frustrating and take ages to do things. He shouldn't be made to cry over it should he?
Am I over reacting? I just noticed it this morning more than ever as DH has just returned from a week away. As I say, he is pretty good bloke in all other respects. No one is perfect. Am I making a huge fuss over a minor personality flaw?
Sorry to go on about this.

We had the chat. He was remorseful. Eventually. Did not want to take responsibility for his behaviour at first (eg it was DS1's fault for refusing to follow my instructions, that's why I got angry and slammed the door).
Then said he was unable to change as this was the personality he was born with. When I told him that I believed that, although he might feel like yelling/swearing/door slamming (as we all do sometimes) I fully believe he can control himself not to, he became a big teary. He said he was finding it really hard to cope with DS1's behavior ATM.

This led to a discussion about ways to help DS1 behave well and follow instructions without defiance.

He was mostly receptive and I kept calm and positive. That in itself is a step in the right direction. But the proof is in the pudding.

I'm so glad I posted on here today. I feel like s weight has been lifted from my head. Nothing is really resolved but most importantly I know I am right and need to be strong and consequential and that is mostly thanks to the direct chat, advice and support of you ladies. So thanks. I will try and keep you posted.

My father was like this man all through my childhood

My mother tried to "talk" to him for 40 years...he remains a verbally abusive man who has no insight into his own behaviour other than the temporary fix of "I'm sorry"

40 years is not "temporary" and how many empty apologies will he have made in that time?

I learned some very damaging lessons from my childhood, and certainly fucked myself up in my teens and early adulthood because of it

I hate my father, and cannot relate to him

but, more tellingly for you OP, I despise my mother

because she stayed with him all through this, after countless "chats", she still thought her relationship with him was more important than a healthy example for her children

have a good think about that

Sounds like he's still blaming your poor DS, just in a slightly different way, tbh.

DS's behaviour is a complete red-herring. He's a child and a grown man is blaming him for the adult's complete loss of control. I bet your children are terrified at times and that's no life for little ones.

So he blamed your son for his bad behaviour.

Yep - it's always someone else's fault.

This led to a discussion about ways to help DS1 behave well and follow instructions without defiance

Nice deflection tactics. Steer the onus away from himself and place it on the 3 year old instead. Good one.

oh, he's goooood that one

10/10 for emotional wizardry

it was always my fault he didn't like me when I was child

apparently I cried whenver he held me as a baby

my twat radar was well developed even back then

very rarely post on here, but OP, I think you shouldn't accept what he said when you chatted about it. You discussed getting DS1 to behave less defiantly. He's 3. Your DH is a grown man. He needs to modify his behaviour, not you and your DS. What about your younger DC? What's going to happen then.

My father is/was a bully like this. I don't really talk to him any more and I know that at least one of my siblings is very upset that my mother didn't leave him when we were young.

Don't leave it too late.

Absolutely - the boy is three - he's a baby. His 'defiance' is not the reason your dh behaved the way he did. He behaved the way he did because he wanted to and felt entitled to.
Don't let him kid you otherwise OP.

I'm not saying 'leave the bastard' but I AM saying you need to wise up to his manipulative boo-hoo-I'm-so-sorry-but-it's-not-my-fault bullshit, if anything is ever going to get any better.

Your three year old does not need to modify his behaviour - your dh does.

Your son could be the goodest good boy in the whole world and your dh still would've tantrumed over taking him to nursery. Don't be fooled.

Am I projecting?
Yeah - because I sat through all the same teary, remorseful I'm-not-coping bollocks you just did, when our oldest was a tiny tot.

It's bull. Even if he has managed to justify it to himself that way, it's still bull.

Your son is 3. And his behaviour ticks all the boxes for the job description of a 3yr old.

This is nothing to do with your son's behaviour.

Being remorseful and turning on the tears.....to achieve what result? That you will now be on eggshells even more than you already were, watching every tiny thing your 3 yr old does that might irritate the bully in the corner (because that is what he is) and that your child will soon start being wary of Daddy being angry, while Daddy sits and mews pitifully that it's not his fault, it's the way he was brought up.

Fast forward 20+ yrs to when that 3 yr old treats women and children like shit because "it was the way it was at home".

Not nice is it?

I am truly shocked at your replies, however very grateful for your honesty.
My heads in a muddle. I will have to think things though a bit and post later. I am wondering whether I have given an unfair or inaccurate account, hence your extreme reactions, or whether I have started to normalize this behavior, therefore thinking it less serious than it obv is.
I didn't think I was the 'victim type'. I am (was?) successful, high achieving, independent. But having been reading these boards for a while, I am beginning to realise there is no such thing as a 'victim type' right?

Pictish how did your sitn all pan out eventually if you don't mind me asking?

Right. No one can believe that I have essentially been "incarcerated" for ten years, because everything about me and my life upset him, so I was left with no friends, a wrecked career, living in almost total isolation.

I am a gobby cow with a million opinions...so how did that happen? I am finding out how, slowly. It creeps up on you, drip, drip, drip.

FYI: They like telling their partners that they are insane as well...that's a favourite. When he says that to you, I hereby give you permission to laugh your head off. They are stunningly predictable.

They believe that they are the victim, and because it's all so unfair for them in their heads, it's ALWAYS someone else's fault...always. Even his own three year old is to blame.

There his children I presume so you are not lucky and he is not being kind. He sounds like the way he is very tidy etc is stressing him out and he is taking it out on you all. He needs to change and you need to redress your attitude about being lucky etc.

Well done for having a chat to DH. FWIW I don't from what you have said think he is abusive but things do need to change. Good luck and stay strong.

Duke - his behaviour need to change, but your attitude also needs to change. How often a night does he get up with either of the children? How often does he cook? Does he do the laundry, organise the accounts? Why are you so grateful for him taking his son to nursery when you have a four month old to look after? He's your partner not your child or your dad. You don't have to look after him, and you don't have to be grateful to him either.

Does he yell, swear, slam doors, drum his feet, throw things around, make children cry etc at work, with his friends, at the pub ?

no ?

then it isn't a "character flaw" he has no control over is it ?

OP, your eyes are open now. How about your friends in RL, what do they think of him?

Duke - I'll tell you all, but need time and peace to write it out (I'm not planning an essay, don't worry) - my dh and kids are here and it's noisy and chaotic, so I'll come back to this later.
Happy to help.

It's kind of amusing he thinks that the 3 year old has a 'problem with defiance'??? Yeah, the apple didn't fall far from THAT tree did it?

Considering his response , and his unwillingness to take responsibility , i strongly suggest you educate yourself about emotional and verbal abuse .He has used some very well known tactics here to get you off his back , Diverting , blaming , being the victim .