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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to want a trial separation after dh just stumbled in & couldnt explain where been...

26 replies

driedapricots · 03/02/2012 06:41

I've had no sleep whatsoever so may be being irrational but he's just stumbled in, I've not been able to get hold of him since 12 cos he lost his phone, which is all he seems bothered about..no apology, in fact told me to shut up when kept asking where he'd been...now he's passed out..nice. generally marriage is up & down mainly due to drink issues..he's what you call a functioning alcoholic..or in denial...he goes to cbt to try to manage it and 90% of time is good husband & father..but then these episodes happen. Pls no preaching about alcoholism..I'm well aware of enabling etc..I just want to know if this would be the last straw for you?

OP posts:
TheUnsinkableTitanic · 03/02/2012 06:44

didn't want to not post but this might be better in relationships for advice

my own opinion/experience is that it won't change you need to

have you DC/reason for staying?

gettingalifenow · 03/02/2012 06:46

It seems a knee jerk reaction on the basis of what you've told us, but there's doubtless more of a history than we can guess.

Can you hold off a conclusion until he's awake and can explain himself? Something dreadful may have happened, or not, but at least you'll know if this is part of his pattern or something else - you just have to hang on a few hours.

Meantime, go about your own day as normal if you can - sitting waiting for him to wake up will just get you worked up...

Proudnscary · 03/02/2012 06:48

No one can possibly say whether it's the last straw or not, only you can. We don't know the extent of your marital problems/his drinking.

I agree to move this to relationships where posters have a wealth of experience that can help you make a decision.

Original poster
driedapricots · 03/02/2012 06:48

Yes 2 dc..otherwise would have gone by now! Thx for responding. How do I post in diff area without retyping?! (just on mobile)

OP posts:
TheUnsinkableTitanic · 03/02/2012 06:48

functioning alcoholics will always have had something happen...

agree with gettingalifenow, go about your day (i hope you don't have to stay in the house if you are SAHM)

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 03/02/2012 06:51

i think easiest way is to REPORT your post and then type in the reason and MNHQ will do the rest

what age are the DC. they are an even bigger reason for going

they will see what their father is doing as normal. i was in my 30's before i realised it was not normal for a bottle of vodka to be brought out every evening after dinner

Thumbwitch · 03/02/2012 07:01

Are your children adversely affected by his drinking and behaviour? has he ever been irresponsible enough to endanger them by drinking while they're in his care?

If the answers to either of those questions are "yes" then get rid of him.

Does it feel like the last straw to you? Have you had it up to the back teeth with the whole situation? Do you think he is rather taking the mick and not really putting his all into dealing with his addiction?

If the answers to the above are yes, then go for a trial separation. Or - give him a warning that that's what you are going to do if he doesn't sort it out. But once you've given him that warning, be prepared to carry it out next time he fucks up, or he'll just carry on taking the piss.

Sorry that you're having such problems with him. :(

sunshineandbooks · 03/02/2012 07:08

It really doesn't matter whether other people agree with this being the last straw or not. It's about how you feel. You're the one having to deal with this and the knock-on effects, so when you've had enough that's good enough. No further justification necessary.

This must be really difficult for you. If you love him and want to help him, you don't necessarily want your marriage to end but have simply reached a point where you know you can't go on as things are. I think a trial separation is probably the best solution you could come up with under the circumstances. It may make him face up to the reality of his drinking and start the road to recovery. If it doesn't - or if you discover that you actually prefer life without the problems presented by his drinking - well at least you'll already be taking small steps down that path.

Good luck.

Original poster
driedapricots · 03/02/2012 07:14

Thx thumb ..no never endangered kids, v good father. He is trying to deal with probs..but I feel he needs to stop altogether & he doesn't want to. It's the jekyll & Hyde thing..he is literally a diff person drunk/hungover & such a much better person when sober it frustrates me so much. He can go weeks not drinking, he can go for a couple & be fine, but then every couple of months he does this. So I'm constantly on edge when he goes out (which he has to quite regularly for work) I have threatened before so think this time i have to follow thru..but it is so much easier sometimes to bury your head in the sand than face all the upheaval a split would bring... It's true I'm not in best frame of mind now. Will carry on, bite my tongue when he surfaces ..I've just written him a letter which I'll decide whether to give him or not later!

OP posts:
Sausagedog27 · 03/02/2012 07:41

Please don't stay together for the sake of your kids- its much more damaging to be raised in a home with an alcoholic. Trust me, my dad was one so I know. I'm still coming to terms with it and I often feel angry at my mum for keeping us in that situation. Nothing changes and if they don't want help or give up drinking totally it will get worse, so whilst it might not be often at the moment, it will get worse and the opportunities to be 'a good father' will get less and less.

runningwilde · 03/02/2012 07:41

Im sorry you are going through this :(
Have you tried counselling? X

Original poster
driedapricots · 03/02/2012 08:06

Not tried counselling but keep suggesting it & dh open to it..then things are fine & it falls off the radar..its just another 'thing to do/pay out for' but I think I will prioritize it now..so tired now & having to play shops with toddler ;-)

OP posts:
TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 03/02/2012 09:47

Yup I'd want a separation.

It seems as if the key issue is that he thinks at some level it's ok to carry on like this, that your opinion and feelings and needs ultimately DON'T REALLY MATTER. You'll be upset, he can say sorry, blah.

That kind of status quo will only change if you demonstrate to him very clearly that NO, THIS WILL NOT CONTINUE.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but if you love him and want to stay together, give him that ultimatum now while you still love him.

Don't wait until anger and sadness has completely killed your love and respect. Don't wait until you've put up with so much for so long that he is literally inured to the situation and so far down the road of alcohol dependance that he has no chance of working back to be the man/father/husband he should be. Don't wait until your children are deeply affected by it all.

Do it now while you have the energy and a spark of your relationship still there, while you still WANT to work it out.

Separate. Tell family and friends. Get support and help. MAKE him get help as a condition of you getting back together. Get moving on it. This problem won't resolve on its own.

Birdsgottafly · 03/02/2012 10:18

When you "are on edge" it must effect how you parent, so it will be affecting the children,which as they get older will then directly have them on edge,on your behalf. Don't underestimate how children feel knowing that one parents behaviour is going to impact on the other.They end up having mixed feeling, laying blame between the two of you.

It isn't about this incident, but your whole situation.

Original poster
driedapricots · 03/02/2012 14:46

Thankyou I am at my mums now..

OP posts:
kodachrome · 03/02/2012 15:01

Agree with the poster above who said your best bet is to scare the hell out of him that he's lost you entirely and make him work to get you back, while you still have feelings for him.

Sometimes hitting rock-bottom is the only way for an alcoholic to turn their lives around.

monstermissy · 03/02/2012 15:08

My ex would come home at times like that minus shoes and phone and sometimes would be in off his face about the same time I should of left for work. So had to let work down. We tried everything and in the end I just didn't like him, had zero respect for him and couldn't bear him near me. I wish I had left years ago. My children are much calmer, more relaxed at home now. My only advice for anyone living with a alcoholic is to leave.

YuleingFanjo · 03/02/2012 15:14

I ended a relationship because of this but might have stayed if children were invilved. However I think I stayed about six years too long and wish I had ended it sooner. Ultimatums are worth nothing unless you follow them through Sad

bibbitybobbityhat · 03/02/2012 15:17

Yes, if my dh did this every couple of months, then I would leave him, no question.

QuintessentialyHollow · 03/02/2012 15:21

what bibbity said.

fraggle500 · 03/02/2012 16:05

I would leave, I did leave!

An alcoholic will never change.........only you can change how much you're prepared to "put up" with.

Sending you all the best, really know how it feels, been there twice!!

Sad
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2012 16:21

What do you get out of this relationship now?. There must be something that keeps you tied into all this.

You know already about enabling him.

Burying your head in the sand is not an option now although it has been easier for you to do. This does not go away and alcoholism is indeed a cruel mistress.

No trial separation, this would be the last straw for me. Your children as well do not need or should have a drunkard for a parent.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2012 16:23

There are no guarantees here re alcoholism; he could still drink after losing everything. You are still NOT responsible for him.

Earlybird · 03/02/2012 16:36

Does he/can he drink in moderation, or is it this all-or-nothing binge every few months?

You say he is in CBT to deal with it (the bingeing, the drinking or both?), yet you say he doesn't want to stop drinking? Doesn't seem to add up....can you elaborate?

Original poster
driedapricots · 03/02/2012 17:24

Tricky as dealing with 2 sick children and no sleep but will try to come back later as really appreciate the feedback..gives me strength to know I am doing right thing. Funny how it all becomes 'normal' but no, this is not the life I want for me or the dc.

OP posts:
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