Decided to leave dh

[ladybrady22]

I've namechanged for this.

I have endured years of nastiness, criticism, negativity, bad tempers and controlling behaviour from my husband. He was lovely when we met and up until we married but he then turned into a different person completely. Suddenly I can do nothing right and constantly 'annoy' him (in his words). I'm too messy, too disorganised, not ambitious enough, not interesting enough. The worst thing is that despite actually being really tidy, a good mum to our young dc's, highly qualified and actually a pretty fun person, I started to believe him. I allowed him to turn me into a shadow of myself that I did not recognise. And all the time there's no affection, no love, no support.

Eventually a few months ago he got so unreasonable that I started to see that maybe the problem lay with him and not me. I began to confide in friends and family who were horrified about things that had actually become a normal part of my daily life (the shouting, criticism, name calling etc.). To me these were just part of my day and I had had accepted them but once I saw others reactions to it I realised that it wasn't normal to live like that.

I spent the last few months trying to explain to him what the problem was and how unhappy I was but I just kept being told that I was at the root of his problems and if I could be tidier and just generally better that he wouldn't have to criticise me and be nasty to me. A couple of months ago I said to him for the first time that I would leave if things didn't change. Of course he just rolled his eyes and nothing changed.

I was so scared to make that decision. I don't care about losing the house or the car. I just care about my children who are 5 and 2. I just kept hoping that thigns would get better and that I wouldn't have to do this. But I do. And I'm leaving him. I can get a little place nearby for me and the kids and we will not have to live under the shadow of his temper and nastiness any more. I can't describe the happiness and relief as soon as I had made the decision. It was like flicking a switch and I feel happy and excited about the future.

I assumed that when I told him he woud get really angry. But actually he just got really upset, cryig saying sorry , promising to change, says he'll do anything to make him stay. I don't believe it for a moment. Even if he could change it wouldn't last and I can never forgive him for what he's done up to now.

I just don't know how to deal with the crying and the requests for one final chance. I don't want to give him a final chance. He says the children will hate me later for not giving him a final chance. I really believe that our children will now have the opportunity to grow up surrounded by loving relationships and will understand how you should respect and be nice to someone you love. Surely they will understand that.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you deal with the promises to change when you don't believe them and don't actually even care if he changes or not?

Sorry for the essay. I don't have anyone that I can burden with this and I don't want him to wear me down. If I back down now I might lose myself again to the poiint where I can never get out.

You rock!

Been in a similar situation.. no kids. but you are so doing the right thing.

Sounds to me like you have given him the chances.. he has chosen to take no notice.

Your children WILL NOT HATE YOU.. honestly, they wont. They might be upset for a while, they may miss what they have known, but they will grow up understanding that you do not need to take shit from someone. It will not harm them.

It sounds like you have already given him plenty of opportunities to change and he didn't listen.

Good luck - and well done for refusing to put up with this behaviour any longer.

No advice, but just wanted to hold your hand as you might not get many answers before morning.

You sound very steady and confident with your choice. Good luck.
Are you still prepared to keep an open mind and consider the possibility that this might be a trial separation? Or do you feel that it would not allow you to move on?

OMG are you me???

I listened to my ex telling me he couldn't live without me after listening to him for years telling me I should be grateful that he put up with me because no one else would and promising he would change

each time he did change, for about a month!

I eventually left when dcs were 8&6 and it was too late (well not too late but late enough that the oldest one in particular had picked up alot on what had been going on)

the third and final time I was going I had reached the point of not caring how much he cried etc as I was absolutely firm in my own mind that I had had enough and I was not going to let him sway me -it was tough

the piece of advice that I will pass to you, that I was given, is that one day the children will be old enough to see him for what he really is, and as long as you bring them up with integrity, then they will see who has made the right decison and they will be proud of you for not giving him 'just one more chance'

stay strong :)

Go for it and leave. If the impossible happens and he does change (I think it's impossible) you can go back together, but it will have to be proven to you over a long period of time. Divorce takes a while anyway. But if you don't take action, nothing will change - he'll just think that he still has control over you.

The crying is a tactic. There is the possibility that he really means it this time, but it's doubtful. Google NPD. It may be helpful.

In the meantime know that you are doing what is best for you and your DCs.

of course he's scared - it's not easy to find a new victim and his unhealthy ego needs it, so yes he's genuinely doesn't want you to go but it's all for his, selfish, reasons.

Thank you for the replies and the support. It means more than I can tell you.

I think he really believes what he's saying as he's telling me that he's going to change but I think the cracks would start to show and I could never truly let my guard down - too many years of walking on eggshells.

The thing is that even if he does mean it and somehow manages to change I still don't want him. He was meant to love me and instead he ground me down and bullied me and manipulated me just so that he could be in control of every tiny inconsequential part of our lives.I don't think I can ever forgive him for that.

It's got to the point where friends are pointing out to me that my own husband doesn't seem to like me so if they can see that then surely the dc must pick up on it too. I can't have them growing up to believe that that is normal. They deserve so much better than that.

Well done Lady. Good for you! You're a strong woman x

Sounds like you're doing the right thing. I don't know if this technique that helped me would also be useful for you. I sent a list of unreasonable behaviour to my sister, not for her to do anything with, but just so I'd shared it. I never talked to her about the things on it. Was intended for and addressed to DH but didn't send it to him. Whenever I found myself wavering in early days I looked at the list again. Easy to forget or minimise the bad bits when you get the crying, the pleading, we were so good together, I can't live without you, I'll do anything stuff. My experience (that I realise is different to yours) is that my kids seem fine so far - very few problems, touch wood. They get to see their Dad and they have better time with me than when he was here. Kids are pretty perceptive and will understand. Plus, it is your choice. They won't hold against you the fact that you wanted to get out of a situation that you felt deeply unhappy in.

You are amazing. You will never regret this decision, my life began again the day I made the decision to leave. Stay strong, just let him cry, he's had a million chances and blew them all.

Your little dc certainly do deserve better than than, and so do YOU, honey.

If he's telling you that he's going to change, it's clear that he knew exactly what he was doing when he cynically and deliberately set out to grind you down. As for why he did it, he did it because he wanted to and because it gave him a sense of power to watch you become his cringing victim.

To that extent he's shot himself in the foot because, due solely to his decision to make your life as miserable as he could, you've lost the love and respect you once had for him - and that is not going to find it's way back to you

Don't let his crocodile tears dissuade you from doing what you know you have to do to have a far more fulfilling life as a single parent than you can ever have with him.

Everytime he blubs, hand him a box of tissues and blithely continue with your plans to leave. To this end I would advise you to consult a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law - you might not want the house and the car but there's no reason why you shouldn't receive everything that you and the dc are entitled to.

Search 'womens aid' followed by your county or nearest town/city to access the number for local wa office and ask them to recommend a specialist lawyer who offers a free half hour consultation

Despite whatever promises he makes, he won't change and his assertion that the dc will 'hate you' for not giving him a 'final chance' will prove to be as hollow as he his.

You've given him chance after chance and, now you've seen the light, this is your chance to break free of his tyranny. Keep your eyes firmly fixed on that brighter future ahead and go for it - it's yours for the taking and the only regret you'll have is that you didn't leave him sooner.

Good luck Ladybrady and thank you for clarifying.

As you don't want him back anyway, a trial separation won't change a thing. Hope he can see things as maturely as you and move on to make practical arrangements in the children's best interest.

Hang in there and get professional advice without delay.

I'm full of admiration for you too. You have absolute clarity on this. You know what he has done to to you and you know what you have to do.

I agree you should write everything down, everything that he has said and done over the years.

This will a) remind you how he stole your soul and keep you resolute in your decision, b) will be a testimony that you can (partially) share with your dc when they are older and c) consider sending to him.

Re your concerns that your children will judge you for not given him the 'final chance'. You have given him many, many 'final chances' but he has chosen not to take them. He is now dressing this up as you not being willing to save your marriage. It's just a transparent tactic to make you the bad guy, the flakey one, the ruthless one...whatever.

In fact I might even head up my letter/account of the marriage 'A million Final Chances' and list everything he's done and the ways you've tried to 'be better', reason with him, appeal to him...to show that he had so many opportunities to be the husband you clearly deserve.

x

The thing is that even if he does mean it and somehow manages to change I still don't want him. He was meant to love me and instead he ground me down and bullied me and manipulated me just so that he could be in control of every tiny inconsequential part of our lives.I don't think I can ever forgive him for that.

Well that is the crux of it then. He will not get a 'final chance' because he has completely destroyed any love you once had for him. If you agreed to try again now it would only be out of pity and duty. He should have listened to how you felt when he had the chance. It's very arrogant to assume people's threats are idle ones, and now he has to learn the hard way. Good luck with everything.

Well done op, but be prepared for him to get nasty when he realises the tears and begging aren't working. Again record everything with dates. I'm envious of you with your new start and a chance to have a happy home! Good luck.

No he won't change, The relief I felt when I decided to split from my exH was immense. I'd put so much effort in trying to make it work, make his life nice and comfortable and supporting him financially and all I got was criticism, that ground me down until I believed him!

The truth is he doesn't actually like you, or he wouldn't behave like it. Deep down he knows that you are superior to him in so many ways and he resents this hence his behaviour.
Another man would admire you and encourage you and be proud of you. His ego can't cope with you!

You will cope fine on your own, I'm sure, in fact it will be an enormous relief for you!

Good Luck, and don't waiver in your resolve xx

Don't give him another chance. My exH wept the first time I said I was going, he cried and cried. I stayed and he got worse. The day I left with the DC's he sat at the table and again wept and wept. He sat in my DD's therapists chair and wept and wept when she was admitted to an adolescent unit with an eating disorder and refused to see him for 4 months. I then and now realised I had left it many years too late.

Please leave, you don't need to live like that and your dc's will be able to have a happy and relaxed mum and see you for who you really are. Don't leave it too late. He won't change, the weeping is just another part of their control.

You did give him one more chance.... and he rolled his eyes.... Nuff said.

I so wish I'd had your clarity of vision when I started to divorce XH. I agonised unnecessarily for months over whether I had been too harsh, he couldn't help it, in sickness and etc etc. Then a wise friend pointed me towards Mumsnet. It was amazing. There were women complaining about their partners and ex-partners using exactly the same tactics, exactly the same sentences word for word, and calling it by its name: abuse. It's like there is an abuser's manual they read.

Further down the line the counsellor asked whether I would have him back if he changed, and I said, like you, that it would be too late for me because all respect and affection had gone. I would be pleased if he did learn and maybe he would make somebody else a better partner, but that somebody could not be me.

Yes, we did have some good times, but in a sense that only highlights how stupid he was to keep using the tactics. We'd have been a lot happier together, not just me, both of us, if he hadn't.

Oh, and the DCs don't hate me either!

I have endured years of nastiness, criticism, negativity, bad tempers and controlling behaviour

I had exactly the same from my XP. I finally left him six years ago after many years of being belittled and criticised.

By the time I left, I was far too thin, emotionally weak and almost at the end of my tether, but I knew without a doubt that it was the right thing to do, for me and my DC. They were seeing a man mistreat a woman on a daily basis and I couldn't carry on exposing them to that.

I haven't looked back for a second. It will be tough at first; you will wonder whether you've made the right decision.

My tip would be: write down everything that's happened between you and him and read it whenever you're feeling wobbly, to remind you why you had to leave.

Your DC will be fine. You will be fine. Look forward and enjoy the rest of your life.

My DC don't hate me: in fact, my DD (now a teenager) is starting to understand why I left and although she loves her dad, she is able to see his faults.

Another tip: never, ever criticise your X in front of your DC. They will eventually ? possibly only in years to come ? become aware of his behaviour, but they need to make up their own minds.

Good luck: go for it. You won't regret it.

You are doing the right thing completely. He is no longer your responsibility, so don't feel even the slightest bit of guilt for his tears, he didn't for all of yours....

My ex wasnt like yours in that he wasnt verbally abusive but he took everything for granted. When I said I wasnt happy because I felt that we were like brother and sister or friends, he said that I was "borrowing trouble" and we were fine.

I asked to go to Relate, wanted to talk etc but he wouldnt do it and when I said I would leave if we didnt sort things out, he was very dismissive too, and didnt believe I would do it. Eventually I did and he was shell shocked. The tears etc were genuine, we talked months later and he admitted that he was shaken to the core. He too asked for another chance but I explained to him that I had given him chance after chance and he hadnt taken them. He did once say that I should have left earlier so he had realised how bad things were! I asked why me telling him wasnt enough and he admitted it should have been.

It took him a long time to understand that just because he hadnt been listening, didnt mean that what I was saying wasnt worth listening to.

If he really sees that what he did was wrong and wants to change the way he lives his life and treats people, he does have another chance to do it; you just won't be there.

Well done.