Decided to leave dh

[ladybrady22]

I've namechanged for this.

I have endured years of nastiness, criticism, negativity, bad tempers and controlling behaviour from my husband. He was lovely when we met and up until we married but he then turned into a different person completely. Suddenly I can do nothing right and constantly 'annoy' him (in his words). I'm too messy, too disorganised, not ambitious enough, not interesting enough. The worst thing is that despite actually being really tidy, a good mum to our young dc's, highly qualified and actually a pretty fun person, I started to believe him. I allowed him to turn me into a shadow of myself that I did not recognise. And all the time there's no affection, no love, no support.

Eventually a few months ago he got so unreasonable that I started to see that maybe the problem lay with him and not me. I began to confide in friends and family who were horrified about things that had actually become a normal part of my daily life (the shouting, criticism, name calling etc.). To me these were just part of my day and I had had accepted them but once I saw others reactions to it I realised that it wasn't normal to live like that.

I spent the last few months trying to explain to him what the problem was and how unhappy I was but I just kept being told that I was at the root of his problems and if I could be tidier and just generally better that he wouldn't have to criticise me and be nasty to me. A couple of months ago I said to him for the first time that I would leave if things didn't change. Of course he just rolled his eyes and nothing changed.

I was so scared to make that decision. I don't care about losing the house or the car. I just care about my children who are 5 and 2. I just kept hoping that thigns would get better and that I wouldn't have to do this. But I do. And I'm leaving him. I can get a little place nearby for me and the kids and we will not have to live under the shadow of his temper and nastiness any more. I can't describe the happiness and relief as soon as I had made the decision. It was like flicking a switch and I feel happy and excited about the future.

I assumed that when I told him he woud get really angry. But actually he just got really upset, cryig saying sorry , promising to change, says he'll do anything to make him stay. I don't believe it for a moment. Even if he could change it wouldn't last and I can never forgive him for what he's done up to now.

I just don't know how to deal with the crying and the requests for one final chance. I don't want to give him a final chance. He says the children will hate me later for not giving him a final chance. I really believe that our children will now have the opportunity to grow up surrounded by loving relationships and will understand how you should respect and be nice to someone you love. Surely they will understand that.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you deal with the promises to change when you don't believe them and don't actually even care if he changes or not?

Sorry for the essay. I don't have anyone that I can burden with this and I don't want him to wear me down. If I back down now I might lose myself again to the poiint where I can never get out.

agree with others and yes saw the tears etc too....if nastiness doesnt work to control you tears might etcetc.
leave and dont look back - let him prove himself over next two years how he is committed etcto the DC and respectful to you. you dont need to be in same house as him for him to prove what a great dad he is

crocodile tears - maybe genuine but only for himself not for you...

Lady I wish I had your balls. I so wish I had your strenght of character, I think I lost mine about 3 years ago

Theyre not tears , they are more attempts at bullying and manipulation . He honestly feels that his needs should take priority over yours , and that you should stay with him because thats what he wants . How you feel about that doesnt matter to him . Can you imagine yourself insisting that someone has a relationship with you when its obvious they dont want to ?

Please be very very carefull at this point Lady , as the risk of violence escalates at this point . Its possible that when he realises the tears dont work he will become very very angry . He has lost control of you . If he hasnt been violent yet its probably only because his criticisms and nastyness were enough to control you . When these tactics fail , they step it up .

I would seriously set about getting out of the house ( or him out ) as soon as possible , even if that means staying with family for a few weeks . Ignore his attempts to guilt you about the kids , abuse is a social disease that is passed on down the generations , and your children will now be free of it , as will theirs .

Well done you! I am still struggling to get away from my horrible 'D'H and I am so sad to think that the one person who was supposed to love me just used me :( There is nothing he can ever say or do to make me want to give him another chance.

One word of caution. When he realises you are going to leave he may turn very nasty. Protect yourself, make sure you have money, copies of bank statements, all important documents. You are definitely IMO doing the right thing, good luck :)

Well done you!
You don't have to give him a final chance if you don't want to, he's had years to treat you decently and he chose not to.
But if you feel you must give him a chance, you can still have a trial separation now?it doesn't have to be all or nothing immediately.

Thank you for all your support. It's reassuring to hear that they all seem to say the same thing about changing and yet never actually manage it! It just cements my belief that I am right not to give ito the tears.

I've told him that i would never try to harm his relationship with the dc's and have chosento stay in this area in order that that can happen. I want them to grow up having their dad as a big part of their lives but that that doesn't mean that I have to stay married to him.

I've got the name of a family solicior who gives a free initial consultation. I'm going to see her next week and will also be speaking to the CAB about benefits that I might be entitled to. I'm going to make an appointment with the bank too to confirm what mortgage I can get. I only work part-time from home but It looks like my salary and the deposit from the equity in the family home will be enough to get me a mortgage on a nice three bed close by. It'll be small but I don't care because it will be mine and the kids and I'll finally have the chance to create a happy cosy family home. I was never allowed to do anything to our family home without asking him first (i can't tell you how much i cringe reading that back now that the fog has lifted) and he never usually said yes so the house we're in now does not reflect me or my tastes at all and it certainly doesn't feel cost and homey.

Destinyorfate - can I ask why you are struggling to get away from him since you sound like you are really clear in your mind that it is over? Has he got nasty or made things difficult financially etc?

Blossom123 - you can find your voice again. Just because they crush our spirit doesn't mean that it isn't still in their ready to break out if you have the right support. I thought that I would never be able to do this but if I can and I will and you can too. The suppo from this board has made such a difference. Pm me if you want to chat at all.

Wow lady you really are setting wheels in montion. Thanks for your kind comments, I did actually ask him to leave couple of weeks ago and he agreed but then did nothing about it and we are just drifting along, he did not cry because I actually don't think he gives a shit tbh, just easier staying, it's all a bit sureal. But don't want to hyjack your thread

Will take long to sale your house, what are you going to do in the meantime?

Blossom - please don't worry about hijacking the thread. We're all in the same boat and supporting each other to get out of these bad relationships is so important and even better it is something that our other halves don't have any control over. Can you speak to someone like CAB and find out your options in terms of housing,benefits etc?

I had planned that we would put our house on the market and then buy somewhere once it sold. Hopefully won't take too long as we're in a popular area. However, he now says that he wants to stay in the house himself and will just give me half the equity. Not convinced as I would end up in a small house with the kids (which i don't really mind) but he would still be in the large family home himself. It just doesn't seem fair to the kids somehow although lord knows if that is the price I pay to be rid of him then so be it. Am going to speak to the solicitor about it next week and see what she says.

ok, I have only read your post OP but FGS do not let him have that one last chance.

my DH is exactly like your DH, I initiated a separation last year but was conned into taking him back for "one last chance"

12 months on he is back to being a total c*, and I am trying desperately to split from him again. Unfortunately I have made it harder for myself for not following through the first time, my confidence in my own judgement is shot, the DC are one year older, I have less money to get away (I am a sahm), and he is being much more manipulative and controlling because he has had time to regroup.

I wish you all the luck and love in the world for your fabulous and FREE life!!

ditto what wilkos said. I did what she did and it took me 2 1/2 years to get rid again. The 'nice' behaviour lasted about 3 months...

you've made a good decision; stick to it

If he could change, why hasn't he done it before?

Congratulations on your new, vastly improved life.

He's showing his true colours again.

Be prepared for aggressiveness when the pleading stops, though. :-(

If it doesn't have legal implications, I'd accept his offer on the house, TBH.
Faster than selling and do you care how he lives?

And I agree with Diggs.

You are doing your children a favour in getting them out of such a relationship.

if you are going to let him buy you out make sure you get at least 3 valuations, and also have a contract around the split of contents

please don't talk to him about solutions until you have got legal advice -you may see a 50/50 split as fair but if you are married you are entitled to more, and you should take everything you are legally entitled to -don't try to be fair to this man -it does not work

Hi lady Yes, he froze our joint bank account, he has made the house unmarketable and while he is living off his private pension, I have to work to support myself. He bullies and provokes our daughter (I have totally detached from him so that is the only way he can get at me!).

I hoped that he would realise there was no going back to how things were and he would reach the decision to divorce me. He is a manipulative, abusive, controlling, lying, nasty piece of work!

I have to proceed with a divorce now and I have to live here while it goes through which will be a deeper pit in hell than I am currently living in. I tried to be fair but I was just being a fool. Well a fool no more! :)

It is dreadful to realise that someone who professed to love me, actually, really hates me. Living here is very hard, he does everything he can to make it so. I never dreamed he would be so cruel so please watch your back and do everything you can to protect yourself in every way.

Hi there

My dh was just like this - critical and manipulative. I warned him again and again that I'd stop loving him if he didn't change. It was a waste, we had two lovely girls and I had really loved him. He didn't change and he wouldn't go to counselling.

When I started talking about leaving he cried and I felt guilty. He made it impossible for me to follow it through. He agreed to go to counselling but it just gave me a platform to air my grievances and grief at how he'd trashed our marriage beyond repair.

He won't accept that it's over and we've been miserable for years. I always back down.
Last night I did something I've never done. I talked to the kids about it. I know they are being affected. I didn't slag him off, just said that we aren't happy any more. He'd never have done the sitting down and telling them thing, because he's a head burier. He doesn't want us to split.

Now I've told them it's real and he can't pretend any more.

I'm really hoping I'll have the strength to follow it through. Whatever you do, stick to your guns. He won't change, and it's too late anyway. My dh changed a lot but only when it was too late and feelings had died. I almost hate him more for this than the emotional abuse. It proved that he was able to change, why the fuck didn't he when it would have still meant something?

Get out and don't look back. Your kids are young and it will be smooth. Once they get older you've had more misery and it's harder to escape.

Wishing you luck

Destiny - well done for staying so strong. It sounds like a horrible situation but you are doing absolutely the right thing. Just hang in there and think of the day you're sat in your own house with him no longer having any control over you.

Unhappy lizzie - I can so relate to being angry at him for not changing when it really mattered. Up to a few weeks ago I'd have given anything for him to just be nicer and to want to fix this but now he's just gone too far and all the love I had for him has just died. I just keep thinking you silly silly man - we could have had such a happy family and he messed up so badly. Well done for taking the step of talking to your girls about it. It's not easy but sounds like it was something you really needed to do, especially if he's burying his head in the sand.

Those who said that his weeping would turn to anger were absolutely right. It took me by surprise whn he eventually snapped because he had just been telling me how he was going to be so lovely to me from now on. Ha - guess that didn't last long! It was actually a relief as i can deal with this side of him much better than the weeping. I stayed really emotionless and just let him then rant. Then I took the dc out and we spent the afternoon with my lovely friend who fed me tea and cake.

At least he finally believes now that I'm really going. He's trying telling me that I'm ruining the kids lives, that I won't be able to afford more than a shoebox in a bad area (wrong again!). I told all my family today that I am leaving him so there's absolutely no going back. My lovely sister offered to pay my rent for me if I needed to leave our family house with the kids. Told her no thank you but was really touched at the unwavering support from everyone. He's still refusing to tell his family but he'll have to soon enough. I think he's still hoping I'll change my mind and he won't have to tell them anything. WRONG! I've finally found my voice again after being ground down for years and there is no way I'm stopping until my kids and I am in our own lovely little house and his temper and nastiness is left behind.

Good for you lady it takes a lot of courage. I also get the 'ruining the kids lives' and ending up 'homeless', the full guilt trip. You are so lucky to have family to support you, mine are many miles away and I really am on my own.

Dont waver, keep strong.

Help me stay strong people. Dh being an arse. All manner of threats and intimidation, emotional blackmail etc.

He knows I can only follow this through if there is minimal damage to the kids. It's much easier if he's grown up about it - so he won't be. He's in a corner and the last resort is being a cunt so I'm not confident kids won't be destroyed by it. Wants me to back down, again.

He is furious that they seemed to handle the news and care about my happiness enough to think it is the right thing.

I'm hoping he'll do mediation. He's angry because I've not been nice to him for years. It's because I've been unhappy but he thinks he's been a saint for putting up with it, and I somehow 'owe' it to him to stay. I've spent three or four years now saying I want out. I've got to mean it this time.

Fuck this is hard. Strength, love and light to everyone else in this situation. x

lady well done to you

you have such insight, I can tell you are going to go onwards and upwards now this millstone in the guise of a man has been removed from around your neck

why don't these emotional abusers understand that years of this treatment will eventually kill the love and respect you once had for them

how utterly stupid they are, and of course they are devastated when it finally happens

tough shit, I say

lizzie you don't "owe" him anything

but he owes it to your children to let you go without using them as collateral damage

what a terrible father he is, and what sort of weak and pathetic person forces someone to stay that clearly despises them ?

lizzie it's absolutely the right thing for yur kids to split

they pick up on everything

my oldest was so defensive and my youngest was clingy and shy

I split up with their dad and they are now open, honest, funny, caring -brilliant kids
they also get on so much better as siblings XP very obviously favoured the younger one -kids are not stupid so this led to a lot of rivalry between them but now tey are best friends

your kids will survive this and come out strnger on the other side -the same as you will :)

Lizzie you are doing so well. Your girls will be fine because they have you there to support them and help them through this. You are giving them such a gift by showing them that you always have the choice to walk away and you don't have to accept this treatment from anyone.

I hope you can be kind to yourself too. It's so hard when you've had your confidence ground away over years ( I speak from bitter experience) but it sounds like you are finding your own voice again. Stay strong - you can do this!

Thanks lady. I can see you really know what it's like. Your OP could have been me. My dh didn't change when we got married, it was when we moved out of London. He'd lived there nearly all his life. We had to move- crap schools locally, not enough cash for a bigger house etc. But he hated commuting, was having a hard time at work and at some level resented me for the move.

We have to stay strong and support each other. I am in danger of caving in, I can feel it. It has happened so many times before.

Please don't do this yourself. The 'giving it one more chance' never works. He thinks we can get things back on track. I know we can't, there's been far too much dirty water under the bridge.

Anyway, whatever he says and whatever he does, he is furious with me. It comes out when I say I want out, but it's there underneath anyway. He's lying to himself if he thinks we have a future when there is so much hostility simmering underneath. It's shit. I just want to be out the other side :-(

Meant to say - irony is, he is angry with me for the last four years. He feels I have been punishing him all this time. I haven't, I've been unhappy because I didn't want to be here. My staying all this time has actually been about my trying to make it work. He actually hates me for doing that, because it hasn't been successful.

I really shouldn't have bothered. Wish I had got out sooner rather than later. Stick to your guns.