Stay at home dad possibly feeling slightly unfulfilled

[OzzieLou]

OK firstly with some of the other posts on this site this doesn't feel like a real problem, but still here goes.

Advice please if there is anyone else in my situation or has been.

I've worked full time since dd was 5 months old, and dh has been at home full time. It's worked really well and he is genuinely fantastic (childcare, housework, DIY, vegetable-growing, curtain-making, home baking, generally would put a 50s housewife to shame...).

But dd is now 4 and will be off to school in September. He won't be going back to work (we have a small business that takes up 5-10 hours a week so that perks up the finances). Already with dd in pre-school and demanding less time he's feeling less useful and under valued (I tell him but somehow I think it means more when someone else does). This makes him grumpy and frustrated and it affects us all. I think he's affected by not earning his own money and not having the satisfaction of being in a job he's achieving in (he used to be a teacher and he was a great one, but definitely doesn't want to do it again).

He's really active and extrovert but not a great one for joining clubs etc. We moved a few years ago so most of the people he hangs out with now are mums with young children he's met through toddler groups etc. so while they are great he could do with a wider circle of friends.

Any ideas?

Volunteering? Tutoring young adults? Doing an evening course in adult learning? Taking up running or swimming? Part time job?

I did an evening
Course for 26 weeks I think and because a qualified TA so maybe he could do that and get a TA job? There are sometimes ones with good hours that would fit in with looking after dd?

He would also get to interact with other people on the course and other adults
Working in the schools...?

Has he thought about being a private tutor - flexible, little bit of extra cash, get out the house?

I am currently unemployed and have been since we moved here with H job 18 months ago. My DC are at BS - so I certainly have alot of time to fill.

To be honest - he could get involved a little at the school. They always need parent helpers for reading/school trips/fund raisers etc.

I have done voluntary work and am going back to it in a few weeks when I feel well enough again.

Last year I did a full time college course that was actually on 3 days a week and it was amazing for me on a personal level. He could look at part time courses.

I am on a bit of a health kick at the mo so spend a lot of time gymming and swimming.

I do still find school stuff fills some time though. This week I am sourcing and making costumes for the school play for example.

You say that he no l

Apologies, stupid iPod.

You say that he no longer wants to teach, so what about going back to college to retrain. Now is a brilliant time to look and see what's available in September.

Not wanting to project but there are some warning signs in your post that I wish I'd taken heed of myself. Get him out to work. What's the point in you working to look after everyone if he's feeling grumpy, frustrated and under-valued etc? Work out a plan with him to get back into work asap for his own sanity and pride, the sake of both of your happiness (and marriage) and so you both get more financial flexibility. The sooner he makes the move the better as it can be very difficult getting back to work after a break for family...especially I might imagine for men (it's much more acceptable for women to have a career break then go back). Seriously. Do it.

He doesn't want to be a teacher any more, fine... but what else can he do? Do you do a job that you absolutely love and that totally fulfills you or do you work because your family needs the money and relies on you to survive? I'm not anti-SAHD at all but if the kids are starting school, he's getting frustrated, his self esteem may well take a nose-dive once the kids are no longer 'needing' him the way young kids do and that's not going to be good for any of you.

Thanks for all of this.

So, he really doesn't need to work, financially we are very fortunate to be able to live very happily on my salary, although we don't have an extravagant lifestyle (10 year old car, camping holidays). I'm partly motivated to work full time because I enjoy it and am ambitious but also because I'm hoping to build up a decent pension and retire early.

Working in schools is a good idea, although he might have had enough of kids, he would be a good school governer. I think he's craving adult company really.

He's quite a good craft person so might enjoy making things and selling them on stalls etc, although again that's home-based and he could do with being out and about with other adults.

Ozzie, the craft thing may not work out re regular adult company- it may increase the isolation.

I was in the same boat by last summer.Could he get involved in any community projects eg local art centre board, allotment association, start his own kids or adult club over something?
eg the school idea- he could offer the local governers to run a project they have had on the back burner for some time, that sort of thing? Or a new money making venture which needs to involve others?

My DH was a SAHP when our three were small. I can understand why having both paraents working isnt great. IME your child care problems start when DCs start school (baker days, time off sick etc). The flexibility of having one parent at home is hugely beneficial especially during the primary years (different once they are all at secondary)

Could your DH look at starting a project for himself(eg my DH restored an old motorbike)? Personally I would steer clear of the school simply because IME they will suck you dry and spit out the husk .

The profile of allotmenteering is changing. More younger people are coming in. If your DH is interested then it is worth getting in contact via your local authority. Ignore the miserable old sods who tell you that the waiting list is 20 years (I was told that and had my first plot within a year!). Being outdoors, the satisfaction of clearing a plot then growing fruit/vegetables which feed the family can be hugely satisfying. Once in there are a number of roles which may suit such as field steward, committee membership etc.

What about volunteering to be support for families who are struggling with their kids? I can't remember what it's called but it's a kind of mentoring role. They advertise them in local papers.

Or, he could apply to be a magistrate and then think about specialising in children/young people's court if he is good with them and wants to do that. Again, not paid as such but they pay expenses I think, and you do so many days a year and fit it around your other commitments. I am assuming that as he's a teacher and currently a SAHP he likes being with kids, but of course he may want a total change from that!

Hey this is all really useful and also making me realise that the issues are the same for stay at home parents for mums and dads. It can be daunting I think to reframe your life once children are in school.

Loving Freedom - hope you are finding fulfillment now?

GnomeDePlume - I think you are absolutely right, school causes a whole load of other childcare problems, and the benefits of one SAHP are huge (emotional, practical and financial).

EightiesChick - the magistrate idea is fantastic. We used to live in an area with loads of ASB and he could actually get the the little bastards disadvantaged young people to stop drinking cider for a second and listen to him and stop littering / arson / theft / harassment.

he is an adult though right?

what is he doing to sort his life out?

did he ask you to come to mumsnet to post for him?
does eh ask you "hat can i do?" and value your input?

are you sharing this thread with him?

you could buy him a life coaching session as a present - so he goes to talk to someone about getting fulfilment in his life - then you and he discuss feasibility etc around child care (once Dc at school is easier eg after school clubs etc ) - but really he is not your child and should be doing all this himself .

what can i do not hat

have another child?

sorry if that sounds flippant, i don't mean it that way, and apologies if i am being insensitive.

(we both work part time and care for our two preschoolers so we can both see both sides!)

Yes Cestlavielife he is an adult, but he's my husband and I want to support him, as I would do if any friend / family menber came to me with a problem or concern. He hasn't asked me to post and I don't "do" Mumsnet very often so he's not really aware of what goes on in these boards - sorry if I have painted his as needy with no initiative!

He is thinking about the future but I think it can be hard after several years of full-on childcare, I remember my confidence was shot to bits when I went back to work after mat. leave and I thought I would be good for nothing. This also made me cranky and a bit pathetic at times, so I valued the support I got then.

CrystalsAreCool - sounds like you have got it sussed, well done. I'm on the last 6 weeks of my final OU course before I get my MSc and am more than happy to see the back of that for a while!

otchayaniye - not planning to have any more, we had to have fertility treatment, so there's no guarantee and actually we're really happy with one.

It's nice to hear of couples who both work part time and both spend time looking after kids, I know a few people who'd like to work that way but haven't managed it yet.

i used to make suggestions to my (nowex)P when he was SAHP and cross with it....but he would retort with "how could you suggest that?" "what a stupid idea!"
"of course i cant/wont do that!" etc.

certainly if he is receptive to your ideas and suggestions then yes of course is good for you to get ideas and pass them on.

good luck

I think he may also be feeling a bit bereft I know I did. I am effectively a SAHM but both my two are in school now

I don't need to work financially, DH absolutely loves his job and I don't now need to worry about juggling childcare with DH like we used to when I did work. And no, I do not have a pristine show home style house, housework is boring and there are a thousand other more exciting things in the world to do

It can be quite lonely once the children are in school or preschool, I volunteer in a school but am aware that after being a teacher he may not want this I like the fact that I am an added bonus with no actual commitment so if one of the children is ill, I am not being called every name under the sun for my absence

There are loads of volunteering things he could do, see this for inspiration for him.

If he's good at gardening and DIY why doesn't he do what a friend of mine did and set himself up doing grass-cutting and odd-jobs? My friend deliberately took that angle and not gardening / handyman as he didn't have the qualifications and didn't want to do anything too major, but he quickly got to the point where he had too many customers and had to turn people down. He charged less than £10/h but often got paid more as he worked hard, turned up when expected and did a very good job. Not only that but he met lots of people and would often get tea and cake or beer. The only real expense was getting decent machinery.

Fizzy thanks for the volunteering site, looks good.

Cestlavielife you are right, you can't make anyone do anything, and sometimes they are not even open to suggestions.

Elephantsteaparty, this is a possibility, and he's already got a ready made client group with all the mums he hangs out with, although working for friends can cause problems...