Stay at home dad possibly feeling slightly unfulfilled

[OzzieLou]

OK firstly with some of the other posts on this site this doesn't feel like a real problem, but still here goes.

Advice please if there is anyone else in my situation or has been.

I've worked full time since dd was 5 months old, and dh has been at home full time. It's worked really well and he is genuinely fantastic (childcare, housework, DIY, vegetable-growing, curtain-making, home baking, generally would put a 50s housewife to shame...).

But dd is now 4 and will be off to school in September. He won't be going back to work (we have a small business that takes up 5-10 hours a week so that perks up the finances). Already with dd in pre-school and demanding less time he's feeling less useful and under valued (I tell him but somehow I think it means more when someone else does). This makes him grumpy and frustrated and it affects us all. I think he's affected by not earning his own money and not having the satisfaction of being in a job he's achieving in (he used to be a teacher and he was a great one, but definitely doesn't want to do it again).

He's really active and extrovert but not a great one for joining clubs etc. We moved a few years ago so most of the people he hangs out with now are mums with young children he's met through toddler groups etc. so while they are great he could do with a wider circle of friends.

Any ideas?

I'm just saying if he's a SAHP and enjoying it and pleased for the opportunity and freedom that brings with it and you can manage financially...fine. The red flags that I recognise are the frustration, moodiness and lack of self esteem that admittedly both SAHM and SAHD can feel. It's worse for SAHD though cos there doesn't tend to be the same support network of friends to hang around with. In my experience, once the kids go to school and break away a little...the devil can make work for idle hands as they say! I know that's alarmist and your DH hasn't done anything....but if he's fed up it's only natural that he'll look for distractions of one kind or another. Better if they are wholesome and hopefully (by my thinking) lucrative. Good for your finances, his self esteem/fulfillment and for your relationship.
I am more fulfilled now - thanks for asking....but then I left the bastard eventually!! lol!! That's another story though and I'm not suggesting for a minute that has too much bearing on OP!!

Open University?

Ozzie

One of my dearest friends was a SAHP for his two DC.

His confidence was pretty low and he didn't want to return to his previous profession. So he volenteered at Oxfam. He manages two shops now. It's quite hard work but he loves it. He finds it very fullfilling. Both because of the eclectic range of people he works with, and obviously the company ethos.

SleeperService, not sure OU will do it for him, I've done it and it unless there's a local group you don't really get to meet that many people. Was more thinking of something that a) got him out of the house; b) had intelligent adult company and c) gave a sense of achievement.

MrGin - I think volunteering opportunities are definitely something to look at, he's talked about joining the Wildlife Trust locally and someone's asked him to help organise a charity event that he's quite interested in. I've mentioned the magistrate idea and that went down pretty well.

What about mentoring schemes with your local high school? There was an item about it on Woman's Hour a while back and it sounded interesting.

The guy needs to get his own sh*t together and decide what he wants to do himself now the kids don't need him at home. It's not exactly empowering to have us suggest a load of voluntary pursuits that he might like to do to fill up his time. How about getting a job? And yes, if they were unfulfilled and not enjoying domestic life, I would say the same to a woman.

I left this comment for a bit to see if anyone else had any thoughts on it.

The guy has his sh*t very much together.

DD is at pre-school 16 hours a week so he's still pretty busy with her (although generally she is a dream to look after, and this will decrease as she starts school in September).

He is around for the dog so it's not left on it's own all day.

He has most of the responsibility for the house, garden etc. He has recently finished overseeing an extension we built on the house where he did a lot of the work himself.

He supports his mother who has bouts of severe ill health and relies on him at these times (no other siblings living near by).

He grows fruit and vegetables in the garden and our two greenhouses.

He's not sitting around moping, but everything he's doing is for other people / the family, and he's not spending much time at all with other adults. We both think it would be great for him to have something of his own that he can have enjoyment and achievement from.

This thread has been great for getting some ideas and an insight into how other people in a similar situation have felt.

It's not disempowering to have people support you in this positive way - the opposite in fact.

We don't need the money from a second income, and I can't imagine a job that would fit around all of the above (never mind that there's a recession on and jobs are not just sitting around waiting for people). If he was offered short term work that was interesting and fulfilling would probably do it.