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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should the wife of a cheating husband be alerted ?

60 replies

summerstars · 02/02/2012 15:24

I have joined this site to post this question and am fully prepared for any feedback. I am ashamed to say that I was the mistress and have only been able to share with one friend who insists the wife has a right to know and the only way I can right the wrong is in alerting her than walking the other way forever
They have no children together and have only been married for under 3 years. Both have their own children from previous marriages.
As for myself I am a single mother. After getting the strength to leave an abusive marriage I moved away. I have two small daughters and the 2 year old is a special needs child. The cheating husband is her clinical psychologist. Present at all sessions we spent hours together and I opened myself up to him completely. In hindsight I see this as an unfair situation. He wore a wedding ring but went on and on about his wife who passed away from breast cancer. He never mentioned he remarried and I never asked.
Once my daughter was signed off as his patient and no longer required his services he asked me out to lunch. I was smitten. I thought I would never feel like this and was not even looking
Something he said was not computing at the end of our lunch so I pointedly asked if he was remarried. He said yes. I told said i would no longer see him and he understood. That evening he called and I a
made the mistake of agreeing to see him again. He texts and calls several times a day. I looked so forward to it all; like an addiction. I never slept with him. I have fooled around though. About 5 weeks ago I stopped seeing him but continued to speak with him. I knew it was wrong but yet i continued and I am fully guilty. I just do not know why. He said he married less than a year after his wife's passing and it was someone they both agreed on. His daughters were young and he felt needed a mother. I even found on a facebook page a memorial for the mother and one of the daughters writes "thank you for letting Dad find me another mother until destiny brings us all back together"
When I saw the photo of his present wife I felt horrid. Putting a face to it all hit me hard. I have cut off all communication with him and freed myself from this. This has got to be the worst thing I have ever done. I have one friend that knows about this and is insisting I alert the wife. That I owe it to her and it is her right...
I know this is lengthy and I am neew here but what do you think? I would NOT do it thinkiing it would benefit me at all. Thank you for reading

OP posts:

LadyMedea · 02/02/2012 15:34

Yes, tell her she deserves to know who she is married to. Its a gift that she will probably thank you for so be prepared for a terrible reaction. Still the thing to do.

He acted conpletely outside if his professional code of ethics both telling you anytging about his late first wife, and by developing a relationship with you.... wven after your daughter finushed her treatment its not good. Id be tempted to tell his employer and professional body. People will think you are the woman scorned, but he is far more in the wrong.

headfairy · 02/02/2012 15:36

Not sure about informing the wife, but bloody hell he should be struck off, he's massively abused his position as a clinician and even though your dd isn't his patient any more, you were obviously feeling vulnerable and needed some love. He sounds like an absolute arse who abused his position and took advantage of someone who was feeling low. You are very right to have run a mile. I wouldn't have anything to do with any of them, defriend on FB, delete all numbers and back waaaay off. Leave it to his conscience as to whether he tells his wife or not.

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 15:39

The first thing that strikes me is his complete disregard for his position in his job. I could be wrong, but I am fairly sure that it is unethical and very wrong for a medical professional in the sort of capacity that he is, to be involved with a patient (I know you are the mother of the patient) but I would still say that him pursuing you is completely against the rules, even after you have been signed off from him.

Having said that, I think the best thing you can do is to keep away, have no contact, do not go looking him up on facebook, or his family, or have any connection to him at all. Stop speaking to him, and do not be any part of his life.

You dont owe anything to his wife. That is his responsibility, not yours.

You havent slept with him thankfully, so consider that a lucky escape too.

Your friend is not really much of a friend either, and it sounds more like she would just enjoy sitting back and watching some fireworks.

You did the right thing by ending it.

RabidEchidna · 02/02/2012 15:51

You went for lunch he told you he was married and that should have been the end of it no "fooling" around.

I do not think you need to tell his wife, I do think he abused his position though

kodachrome · 02/02/2012 15:55

He'll just say you're mad, a woman who made advances and was rejected, a bunny boiler. I don't think you should drop this bomb on the wife.

AltShiftDelete · 02/02/2012 15:56

Do not tell his wife. Stay away from him.

You can't right the wrong but you can minimalise the fallout.

AyeRobot · 02/02/2012 15:57

Report him to his professional body.

Showmethemhappyfeet · 02/02/2012 16:02

I don't know about telling the wife. In a way she deserves to know, but if you are having nothing to do with him any more, is it worth her having her world turned upside down... I don't know. Not very helpful sorry!
I would def report him though, he clearly took advantage!

ClaraSage · 02/02/2012 16:06

Please report him.
It's very likely he'll do this again and his next victim may be badly hurt.
He is taking advantage and is preying on vulnerable women.
You have a civic duty to report him.

EirikurNoromaour · 02/02/2012 16:07

I would report him to his superiors for abusing his position with you. Keep any communication you have from him to use as evidence. If the fallout of this is that his wife finds out that is secondary. The most important thing is that he is disciplined and does not do this to any other vulnerable women.

Yes you were very wrong to pursue it once you knew he had a current wife but you are doing the right thing in cutting all contact and that is all you need to do for his wife. She may already know what he is like, she may not believe you, she may find out of her own accord, she may not want to know. Not your business.

Delete and block him from your phone, email and facebook. Move on and learn from it.

nannipigg · 02/02/2012 16:11

I would report him to his superiors, but as for telling his wife....I would be very careful.I would give him an ultimatum to tell his wife by a certain date etc or you will in a letter direct to her.

leeray · 02/02/2012 16:21

You were influenced and flattered.
He abused the trust he had. He needs reporting.
You came out of the influence.
If you report him, the rest will take care of itself.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 16:40

I also think that he abused his position and you should report him.

The telling the wife thing - all I know is that if I were the wife I would want to know. I think that you have a lot on your plate though and it would inevitably be pretty awful for you and I don't see that you should put yourself through that.

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 16:42

I am with all those who say he should be reported for his unprofessional behaviour towards a vulnerable woman.

lisad123 · 02/02/2012 16:49

I agree you should report him, this is a complete breakdown of proffessional trust and ethical behaviours! Appalling behaviour on his part

You have done wrong by fooling about with a married man, but don't think you should tell his wife. If she finds out when they fire his arse, that isn't your fault.

Keep every text, email and screenshot any fb stuff.

LittleWhiteWolf · 02/02/2012 16:49

Before reading the thread I thought "yes, tell the wife but she won't thank you for it." I stand by that, but having read your OP I really feel for you and agree that you MUST report it.

In your case I would speak to his wife when you report it; she'll find out regardless once you've reported him. At least you can break it to her slightly more gently than anything official, if that makes sense.

I really do think you are a victim here. Yes you did wrong by seeing a married man, but you were vulnerable and persued and he should have bloody known better. Poor you, poor his wife.

So yes, do tell her, but tell someone official, too, as he has abused a position of trust. Good luck to you, OP.

RightFedUp · 02/02/2012 17:01

Another vote for getting your evidence together and reporting him for professional misconduct.

Please read the thread about how it feels to discover your OH has been having an affair before you decide whather or not to tell his wife.

I think your friend may like the drama.

If it were me, I would say nothing if I thought he is the kind that won't do this again. If I thought he would betray his wife again or that he has betrayed her before, I would tell her. I think you should listen to your own conscience on this, though.

It's likely she'll find out through him being disciplined or sacked.

Please save yourself, the wife and children from heartache in future, though.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 02/02/2012 17:06

Yes to reporting him. That's a terrible abuse of power, and it's very unlikely that you're the first parent of a patient he's tried it with.

LynetteScavo · 02/02/2012 17:08

I these circumstances, I would say no. The deceased wife wanted a mother for her children. You need to stop the affair, and not say anything, for the sake of his children.

saggytummy · 02/02/2012 17:19

Don't tell his wife. Its over and although its wrong but people will point the finger at you when its him who has cheated, the other woman is always made out to be the scarlet woman. I do think though if you can report him to the relevant authorities do so as he is preying on "rich pickings"

Whatmeworry · 02/02/2012 17:22

I have one friend that knows about this and is insisting I alert the wife. That I owe it to her and it is her right..

No-one will thank you. Just walk away....

deste · 02/02/2012 17:31

I agree just walk away.

suzikettles · 02/02/2012 17:34

"The only way to right the wrong" - how exactly does telling the wife make the wrong better? Tell her if you like, but I can't see how it gives you any absolution.

He sounds like a serial cheater tbh so I doubt you were the first or last. A dreadful abuse of his position, so I agree it's his professional body you should be telling.

SardineQueen · 02/02/2012 17:36

I am surprised that there is so much general feeling against telling the wife in the situations. I would want to know. Is that not usual?

Original poster

summerstars · 02/02/2012 17:39

Thank you everyone for all of the responses,,,somehow seeing it in print in front of your eyes puts it in more perspective.

AS for reporting him I am hesitant. He has a flawless and well-respected reputation and most people feel sorry for him in concerns to his wife.
This really did not start until after I signed my daughter off and he asked me out. So though unethical it was most likely legal. He is a man with many years under his belt here and I will look like a bad mother who carried on with a married man. I am sure he will twist it to my disadvantage and I will have yet another battle to fight. Possible council hearings, etc. I also cannot afford an attorney if needed ( I know I'm reaching far now)
The majority here feels to just walk away in terms of alerting the wife. It seems to be the only act of grace I can do at this point out of such a disgusting situation that I allowed myself to get into.
I take full responsibility and was probably an easy target. Single unemployed mother of 2 and a new student yet again. Lost. Starting over.

Forgetting about him and walking away though right, has not been easy. I know it should have been simple but I miss it a lot. But doing what is right far outweighs the wanting need in this.

Thank you again and I will ttry and remain steadfast and not respond to any communication
I will consider reporting him though after reading the responses on here.

OP posts:

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