Should the wife of a cheating husband be alerted ?

[summerstars]

I have joined this site to post this question and am fully prepared for any feedback. I am ashamed to say that I was the mistress and have only been able to share with one friend who insists the wife has a right to know and the only way I can right the wrong is in alerting her than walking the other way forever
They have no children together and have only been married for under 3 years. Both have their own children from previous marriages.
As for myself I am a single mother. After getting the strength to leave an abusive marriage I moved away. I have two small daughters and the 2 year old is a special needs child. The cheating husband is her clinical psychologist. Present at all sessions we spent hours together and I opened myself up to him completely. In hindsight I see this as an unfair situation. He wore a wedding ring but went on and on about his wife who passed away from breast cancer. He never mentioned he remarried and I never asked.
Once my daughter was signed off as his patient and no longer required his services he asked me out to lunch. I was smitten. I thought I would never feel like this and was not even looking
Something he said was not computing at the end of our lunch so I pointedly asked if he was remarried. He said yes. I told said i would no longer see him and he understood. That evening he called and I a
made the mistake of agreeing to see him again. He texts and calls several times a day. I looked so forward to it all; like an addiction. I never slept with him. I have fooled around though. About 5 weeks ago I stopped seeing him but continued to speak with him. I knew it was wrong but yet i continued and I am fully guilty. I just do not know why. He said he married less than a year after his wife's passing and it was someone they both agreed on. His daughters were young and he felt needed a mother. I even found on a facebook page a memorial for the mother and one of the daughters writes "thank you for letting Dad find me another mother until destiny brings us all back together"
When I saw the photo of his present wife I felt horrid. Putting a face to it all hit me hard. I have cut off all communication with him and freed myself from this. This has got to be the worst thing I have ever done. I have one friend that knows about this and is insisting I alert the wife. That I owe it to her and it is her right...
I know this is lengthy and I am neew here but what do you think? I would NOT do it thinkiing it would benefit me at all. Thank you for reading

Although I agree that this man is in serious breech of his professional code of conduct, I would think long and hard about making a complaint. The procedure of an investigation can often be traumatic and involve giving evidence. I don't know...I would want to know if I was his DW. But he's bound to lie his way out of it and make out that OP is a fantacist/nutter etc. And I can only imagine that OP, who sounds like she has a lot on her plate anyway, would find this traumatic. I think he'll get caught out eventually. You did make a bad judgment on this one, OP, but can see how it happened and hopefully you'll not get involved with a married man again.

winegoggles

"After getting the strength to leave an abusive marriage I moved away. I have two small daughters and the 2 year old is a special needs child. The cheating husband is her clinical psychologist. Present at all sessions we spent hours together and I opened myself up to him completely."

You see no vulnerability in the OP, nor abuse or his position?

Lots of people do. This is unprofessional, unethical behaviour and I doubt it is the first time he has done it.

Honestly I don't understand the desire to talk the OP out of even mentioning this to his governing body. No wonder people in positions of trust and power end up getting away with so much and damaging so many people. The reluctance to call this man on what he has done is staggering and I find it hard to understand.

SardineQueen, i am loathe to encourage reporting him as i don't really have a problem with what he has done. I don't know the OP and I don't know him. There are always two sides and as his position (in my probably useless opinion) was one step removed from her i'm, personally, not too alarmed. To say he has done it before is conjecture, pure and simple. Now, if someone else came on and said 'ooh, that randy bastard, he did the same to me' then i would have an issue but i don't with one person's version of events.

Also, if I knew the OP in RL, i may have stronger views but not on what is written here.

If he has done nothing unethical then the professional body will advise her of that when she calls them. So that will be fine.

The OP feels that he took advantage of his position, so do lots of others on the thread. What is the harm in her talking to the professional body.

I don't understand this idea that if it's one persons word against anothers then there's no point in doing anything. That is a bad approach to advise generally I think. If someone has done something wrong then surely report them, and let the authorities decide whether it was worth reporting or not.

He has to be reported and stuck off in my opinion. This is a mnajor abuse of his position and I can only guess that he is using his position to bed other vulnerable mothers. OP, get in touch with a regulatory body and report this and prevent this man from doing this to others.

I'm troubled though, that the OP doesn't tell us what she did to make him think she was interested. If she had refused all contact from the the moment she found out he was married, i would be happier with her moral stance. She only felt guilty after searching facebook about his dead wife.

Something does make me feel uncomfortable about the OP motives too. And you're right a call to the regulatory body would sort out their stance.

I don't thik the OP has anything to gain by reporting him, in fact the shit hitting the fan will affect the lives of all the 3 adults involved and, more importantly the children, who have already suffered enough trauma with the illness and death of their Mother.

The OP has ended the relationship and needs a bit of calm and space to "lick her wounds", she does not need the worry of possible Inquiry's/Ethic Commitee Hearings, neither do the Psycologists children need this, please think of them!!!

We don't know the bloke do we, yes he behaved badly , yes he probably got married again too quickly after being bereaved, but we don't know if he felt obligated to carry out his late wife's wishes, and its not what he really wants.

What I'm trying to say, its not all really very black and white is it, technically he didn't "date" a patient and it was after her DD's treatment had finished so although his behaviour was morally wrong was it legally wrong?

I dont think if the OP has finished the relationship, she should "reveal all" it will do HER no good whatsoever, and possibly there could be repurcussions that could cause her more hurt.

Whats more her friend, should butt out!

OP said: "I will try and remain steadfast and not respond to any communication."

I know from experience how difficult it is to 'remain steadfast' in a situation like this, but never contacting him again or responding to any contact from him is the least you can do. You need to delete him from FB, delete phone numbers, e-mail addresses and any other means of communication that you have.

I agree with the posters who say that you should be wary of being labelled as a bunny-boiler if you tell his DW or his governing body and, although I think that he should be reported, part of me would be scared of the repercussions for you, particularly since you sound very vulnerable.

WRT telling DW I agree with MorrisZapp - it's not your place or duty to do so; it's his.

Good luck OP

Please do not tell the wife, as a betrayed wife I would just like you to know that you would be taking something away from her forever. That is not her fault and that she did not cause, that was outside her knowledge and consent. And, really, she can do nothing about.

I think that he has outrageously breached his code of professional conduct, and that you should inform that body.

THAT is the boundary that will make this knob c**p his pants and not target vulnerable women again.

yes yes yes she should be